vi. Dear Diary.

Dear Diary, 

Today is my first day of school.

Mommy tells me I have to go and make lots of friends.

I don’t like other children.

They are annoying. I really hate don’t like them.

Kyungsoo pouted in frustration as his mother snatched away his petite Pororo themed journal from underneath his new blue crayon and chubby fingers. He had been hard at work filling in his entry for the morning, and the last thing he wanted was to be interrupted.

It was January, and a thin layer of snow barely covered the ground, but the wind was strong and harsh, and it blew Kyungsoo’s tiny body numb. The snowy weather marked the first day of school, the beginning of his grade two classes. He was not the least bit excited.

In Kyungsoo’s mind, school meant children, other children that would be bigger, scarier and meaner than him. Being mute, speaking wouldn’t do him any well at all.

“We’re here now honey.” His mother told him sweetly, ignoring the tears that were filling Kyungsoo’s widening eyes. She unbuckled him from his car seat and coaxed him forward with a sweep of her hand.

Kyungsoo crossed him arms in response, remaining unmoving from his seat.

“Baby, we talked about this already. You have to go to school; the doctor said social interaction would be good for you. Don’t you want to be healthy?” His mother asked. Kyungsoo remained unfazed, sticking out his quivering bottom lip in protest.

His mother rolled his eyes. “Do Kyungsoo, come outside, now.”

Kyungsoo sniffled, sluggishly hopping down from the car and taking his mother by the hand as she led him to his new classroom.

As soon as he took the first step inside the school, he wanted to disappear. The colorful, bright classroom doors were a warning sign to him, loudly speaking parents and children blaring in his ears like alarms. He just wanted to be home with his dad, and to be homeschooled again. School made him sick.

Kyungsoo was quickly introduced to his teacher, Ms. Cho, a kind older woman with a wrinkled smile and a good heart, and his mother planted a kiss on his forehead before waving goodbye. She chose to overlook the face it had taken almost ten minutes to pry Kyungsoo from her side.

It took every ounce of strength inside of Kyungsoo not to burst into tears seeing him mom walk out of the classroom door without a single look back. He felt abandoned. All he wanted to do was leave. 

Kyungsoo saw as the other children piled into the room, and he tried to hide himself away in the corner of the classroom, thinking to himself. I hate this place. I hate everyone here. I hate school.

His train of thought vanished as a small, sleepy eyed child bumped into him.

Kyungsoo stood face to face with the other boy silently, looking right into his chocolate coloured eyes and his nose that was red from the cold outside. Kyungsoo had never seen anyone even tinier than he was.

 “I-I’m sorry.” The boy mumbled quietly, groggily rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. “Are you the new student?”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened, and he ran over to slink behind his teacher in fear. He had never met another child like him before, and he had no idea what to do.

“Kyungsoo, what’s wrong? Is something bothering you?” Ms. Cho asked as he looked down at him. She chuckled, seeing the other boy wandering up to them with a confused look in his eyes. She chuckled, “You don’t have to be scared Kyungsoo. This is Jongin, your classmate. He’ll show you around. Keep close to him, okay?”

Ms. Oh nudged Kyungsoo forward, and he wanted to let out a whimper, anxiety waving over him again. I hate this place. I want to go back home.

Jongin saw Kyungsoo’s meek expression, and shot him a warm smile. “Don’t be scared of me. I won’t hurt you. I’ll show you the playroom!”

All of Kyungsoo’s nervousness melted away almost instantly, cheeks heating up as Jongin grabbed his hand tightly and began to lead him away, and he forgot why school was such a horrible place to begin with.

Dear Diary,

It is the second week of school!

Daddy and Mommy are proud of me!

Jongin is the best! He makes me happy.

We play together. There is a girl who likes to play with us.

Her name is Krystal.

I don’t like HATE Krystal.

I wish she never woke up after naptime.

Snack time was Kyungsoo’s favourite time of the day. He happily sat crossed legged on his plush foam mat, sipping away at his grape juice box, right beside Jongin. Jongin talked animatedly about his power ranger action figures, so engrossed with speaking he didn’t even bother to eat his snack.

Kyungsoo never had any idea what Jongin was constantly rambling about. He normally thought power rangers were stupid, but not when Jongin spoke about them.

Jongin’s voice was unlike anything he had ever heard, it was childish and sweet, and he loved the way it sounded, especially when he said his name. It made his face red and sent tingles down his spine.

The only thing that mattered to him was that all of Jongin’s attention was directed to him and only him.

“Hi Jongin, hi Kyungsoo!”

Kyungsoo’s expression turned bitter as he heard the overly perky voice of the girl sashaying towards them in a pastel pink sweater dress and matching bejewelled flats. It was her.

“Hiya Krystal!” Jongin happily smiled back at her, waving her over excitedly.

Kyungsoo didn’t bother to greet her. It wasn’t as if she wanted to greet him in the first place, it was only because Jongin was around. He wished she would trip and fall over her dress.

“Oh, are you talking about power rangers again Jongin?” Krystal asked in a syrupy voice that begged for his attention. She was too close for Kyungsoo’s comfort, long, pretty eyelashed batted in his direction.

“Yeah, I am! In the new episode- ” Jongin was cut off by Ms. Cho’s voice calling him over, and he quickly scurried up from his seat and towards the teacher’s desk.

Kyungsoo and Krystal looked over at each other in disgust.

Krystal was naturally cute, beautiful with long, glossy hair and fair, flawless skin; she belonged on the cover of a magazine. Kyungsoo could hear the way the other boys talked about her, praising her every flowing action. Everybody loved Krystal; even Ms. Cho was her favourite. Everyone loved her, except for Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo thought about her often. He wouldn’t mind if her precious hair burnt to the roots and left her bald, or if someone roasted her on a spit and scarred her skin and left it charcoal and unrecognizable.

He didn’t want to things to happen to anyone. He just wouldn’t mind if they happened to Krystal.

‘Krystal shouldn’t get closer to Jongin.’ Kyungsoo decided in his head, plucking the straw out of his juice box and tossing it haphazardly onto the floor beside him.

Krystal could find friends of her own, Jongin was his one and only.

Without hesitation, he squeezed the entire box of juice on her head, smiling pleasantly to himself as he bawled her way to the teacher.

Jongin came back to linger at his side as Krystal frantically tried to explain what had happened.

Everything was perfect in Kyungsoo’s eyes.

Dear Diary,

We are learning about fairy tales.
There was a story about a pretty princess and a prince.

Jongin is a prince. My prince.

I should lock him away forever.

The class was dismissed for a break after Ms. Cho finished her storytelling, much to Kyungsoo’s disappointment. He loved to curl up at Jongin’s side while the teacher read to him. He always felt so warm beside him.

Once they made their ways to the playground, the other children in the class wanted to act the story out. Kyungsoo didn’t really care as long as Jongin was at his side. He always felt to secure when Jongin was with him, like when he was at home.

Jongin didn’t even compare to the princes in the story. To Kyungsoo, Jongin was so much better. Caring, kind, and perfect. Jongin was his prince.

Unfortunately for Kyungsoo, he wasn’t the only one who thought Jongin would be the perfect prince.

The girls made their own mutual agreement that Jongin would perfectly fit the role of Prince, and dragged him out to where they were acting, away from Kyungsoo. He suddenly felt a lot emptier.

With every prince, must be a princess. Not that the girls could agree on that.

“I should be the princess.” Sulli, one of the classroom queens, spoke haughtily, pulling Jongin towards her. “I am the prettiest one if class, after all.” Kyungsoo thought she was ugly.

Luna stamped her foot down, “But I can sing and dance!” she huffed, tugging Jongin over to her side. Kyungsoo wished she’d break her ankles and permanently lose her voice.

Even one of the resident tomboys spoke up. “Well, I can Ollie on my skateboard!” Amber declared, hands on her hips. Kyungsoo once heard a story on the news about a child being hit on a car while riding their bike. He wondered how long it would be before he could drive.

Jongin’s my prince. I want to be princess. Kyungsoo madly thought to himself. The other girls would never be good enough for him.  Looking over at them, anger began to boil up inside of him.

Before he realized what he was doing, he stormed through the girls with narrow eyes, grabbing Jongin by the hand and forcing his way out of the circle of girls.

Kyungsoo was deaf to the whispering in the crowd. As long as he was with Jongin, everything was fine.

Dear Diary,

It is my 3^rd week at school.

Mommy and Daddy think I am acting weird.

I love Jongin. I love Jongin. I love Jongin.

Kyungsoo anxiously sat at his desk as he waited for Jongin to return to his side. It was art class, one of Kyungsoo’s favourite subjects. Ms. Cho thought it would be fun to make paper snowflakes that matched the winter scenery outside. Kyungsoo would only make them if Jongin told him too.

Jongin had volunteered to grab the supplies off of the teacher’s desk, and soon came scurrying back with two blank sheets of paper and a single pair of clunky scissors.

“Kyungsoo, here are your scissors. There was only one more left, so I’ll just draw.” Jongin said sweetly as he passed them over to him.

Kyungsoo felt like melting, all the heat in his body suddenly rushing to his face and making him pink. He took them shakily with a small tug of his lips, quickly turning around to hide the blush of his face. Jongin was too nice to him.

He should have scissors too. Kyungsoo thought as he watched Jongin scribble onto his paper.

With a stubborn pout, Kyungsoo placed his scissors neatly onto his desk and turned around in his chair to face the person sitting behind him.

Jiho sat squeamishly at his desk, busy with cutting out tiny paper snowflakes and letting them fall into a messy pile onto his desk. Kyungsoo tapped him to grab his attention.

“Huh?” he lifted his head with a frown and growled out at him. “What is it Kyungsoo? I’m working.”

Kyungsoo motioned to the scissors in his hand, then pointed over to Jongin.

“They’re mine.” Jiho said with a huff, turning back to his work.

Kyungsoo shot him a sour expression, plucking his scissors off of the desk. He tapped Jiho once more, and Jiho sighed out, lifting his head again.

“What is it now?” Jiho asked, annoyed. “Jongin can find his own scissors, I’m working.”

Kyungsoo took his scissors and pressed the sharp ends of its blades against Jiho’s neck, glare dead and filled with hatred.

Jiho dropped his scissors onto his desk with a clatter in shock and swallowed thickly. “You can h-have the scissors.”

Satisfied with his answer, Kyungsoo grabbed the scissors of his desk and pulled his hand back from his throat, turning around in his seat. He tapped Jongin on his shoulder and proudly showed off his findings.

“You found more! Thanks Kyungsoo, you’re the best!” Jongin said happily, complete with a smile. “How’d you even find any more?”

Kyungsoo slightly shrugged with an innocent smile, ignoring the trembling Jiho in the desk behind him

Dear Diary,

Something is wrong.

Jongin is taking dance.

He really loves it.

He loves it more than me.

I hate dance.

The day Jongin came to school after his first ballet lessons, Kyungsoo thought he had never seen someone so happy before. Nothing could keep a smile off of Jongin’s face. His eyes lit up with excitement, and he was glowing with joy.

Jongin was happy, so naturally, Kyungsoo was happy; or at least that how it started off.

After his first dance class, Kyungsoo thought he would be done with talking about ballet, but it was the only thing on his mind. He babbled on about the discipline, the stances, the rules, and the types of ballet slippers he wore.

The only thing Kyungsoo could think about is that Jongin was forgetting about him.

Kyungsoo thought that Jongin couldn’t be fixated on dance for so long, but he was wrong. Week after week, it was all he spoke about.

Every time a new ballet lesson passed, Jongin’s passion for ballet grew, and Kyungsoo grew to resent it more. It isn’t fair. I don’t want Jongin to leave me.

Sometimes Kyungsoo wished he could stop him from doing ballet, but he saw the way Jongin lit up every time he talked about it and knew that he could never take something like that away from him.

Dance was stealing Jongin away from him.

Dear Diary,

Jongin is quiet.

He looks tired and sad.

I don’t know why.

It makes me sad.

I can’t make him happy.

Jongin was almost silent for the entire week, a complete turnaround from his usual chatter.

Kyungsoo missed his voice. He wouldn’t mind if he talked about power rangers, he wouldn’t even mind if he talked about ballet. Anything would be better than the silence coming from him.

Kyungsoo couldn’t figure out why he was acting so sad, no matter how much he pried. He saw the way his warm smile was fading into something cold, and how his bright eyes were beginning to look dull.

It hurt him to see Jongin like this.

Kyungsoo tried to cheer him up. He drew him pictures, he brought him toys, he gave him his favourite snacks, but nothing worked.

Nothing at all worked.

Dear Diary,

Jongin is happy now.

He’s happy because of Lee Taemin.

Lee Taemin.

Kyungsoo waited patiently for Jongin to arrive at school in the morning. He had already thought of another way to make him smile again, and was excited to see if it would work.

But when he finally saw Jongin walking to school, he felt his heart stop beating in his chest, blood running cold.

Jongin was walking to school with another boy.

He was laughing, Kyungsoo could see the gorgeous smile he had missed so much plastered onto his face, their arms loosely slung around each other.

He was happy again; happy with a person who wasn’t him.

Jongin eventually spotted Kyungsoo standing awkwardly underneath the large maple tree in the schoolyard, and waved goodbye to his new friend, joyfully making his way to the tree.

Jongin talked nonstop that day. Kyungsoo thought that his talking would make him happy again, but it didn’t because he only talked about one thing. Lee Taemin, the boy he had walked to school with.

Kyungsoo had never been more scared in his life. He was in a battle over Jongin’s affection, and he was losing.

Taemin had joined them during recess. Kyungsoo missed their alone time together. The two boys fought for Jongin’s attention, and Kyungsoo had tried his best to put up a fight, but most of the times, Jongin would be looking over at Taemin, not him.

Kyungsoo felt his heart break a little every time Jongin’s face turned to Taemin’s with a heartfelt smile. He used to only smile at him like that.

When Jongin had his back turned, Taemin and Kyungsoo sent poisonous glares at each other. Just because Kyungsoo couldn’t speak, didn’t mean he couldn’t convey his feelings to Taemin, and the feeling was definitely mutual.

Hatred. 

Dear Diary,

It is Valentine’s Day.

I love Kim Jongin.

I love him with all my heart.

Today, I will tell him before Taemin does.

Valentine’s Day had been drawing near for a while. Kyungsoo spent all weekend working hard day and night to finish his heart shaped card confessing his feelings for Jongin. He wasn’t a person of many words, so he wrote out his feelings as detailed as he could, everything that Jongin meant to him.

Jongin was his everything, so he had to make it perfect, faultless, or it wouldn’t be worthy enough to give him.

When Monday finally rolled around, Kyungsoo had decided to wear his best clothes and brightest smile, card prepared perfectly. The day was set to be perfect. Everything was going to be perfect.

Everything was perfect, until he saw the note.

Right on his desk, a huge card was taped with sloppy lettering that wrote ‘To Kyungsoo’ with thick, red marker.

Setting his nervousness and love letter aside, he picked up the card with interest and inspected it. On the back of it, in tiny words it wrote, ‘From Jongin’ with a perfectly drawn heart right beside it.

Kyungsoo could already feel the flush growing on his face. He popped it open without a second glance, and his face paled.

Kyungsoo.

I don’t need another friend.

You scare all the kids in the class.

I never liked you. Nobody else does either.

Just die already.

Kyungsoo shakily gripped onto the card, a flood of emotions hitting him all at once. Shock hit him first. He couldn’t believe what the card read, refusing to believe it even thought the proof was there in bold, red letters.  He read it over and over again until his eyes were sore.

Then the sadness came. Tears welled in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks, staining the card he was struggling to hold in his hands.

Why would Jongin do this to me? He thought, choking back sobs. Why did he do this? I love Jongin. I don’t want him to hate me.

Then he felt anger. It was all he could feel; he pushed back any other emotion, all of his sadness and hurt.

He ripped up the card to shreds with tears still streaming down his face, not noticing as Jongin walked up to him and picked up the Valentine’s Day card addressed to him.

Kyungsoo didn’t see Jongin’s cheeks heat up the same way his always did.

“K-Kyungsoo, did you write this for me?” Jongin shyly asked, not seeing the look of hatred flashing in his friend’s eyes.

Kyungsoo grabbed the card Jongin held close to his chest and ripped it like the other, watching the pieces flutter to the floor and pool up around Jongin’s feet.

“Ah? Kyungsoo, w-what are you doing?” Jongin stuttered, watching as Kyungsoo turned around and began walking the other direction. “

Kyungsoo! Where are you going? I was gonna tell you something, I-“ Jongin started to speak, reaching his arm out towards him, but Kyungsoo slapped his arm away hard, glaring at him with dead, unfeeling eyes.

Jongin meekly pulled his hands back to his sides, eyes getting watery, and watched as Kyungsoo stormed out of the classroom, pushing past the teacher who had just entered.

Ms. Cho called Kyungsoo’s mother to pick him up after seeing how upset he was. His mother picked him up wordlessly.

In the backseat, Kyungsoo scribbled down his latest journal entry with fury.

Dear Diary,

I hate Jongin.

I HATE Jongin.

I HATE HIM!

I WISH HE WOULD DIE.

Taemin blinked in confusion when his best friend ran into his arms sobbing afterschool with explanation.

“Jongin, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Taemin tried asking, but his tears showed no signs of stopping anytime soon.

“K-Kyungsoo,” Jongin shakily sobbed into Taemin’s chest.

Taemin tried his best to rub his head in a comforting manner seeing how hurt Jongin was over Kyungsoo. He had never liked Kyungsoo in the first place.

“It’s okay. It’s okay Jongin. I’m here for you, okay? Don’t cry, don’t cry.” He gently pulled Jongin back from his chest, drying his tears away with his shirtsleeves. “I’ll buy you something from the bakery after lessons, okay?”

He watched as Jongin’s sobs reduced to small sniffles. “C-Can we buy ice cream too?”

Taemin smiled, interlacing Jongin’s fingers with his own. “We can get chocolate ice cream, your favourite.”

“Okay.” Jongin sniffled once last time, letting Taemin guide him away without any further thought.

Taemin hummed satisfied, twirling a red marker in his other hand.

a/n:

Thank you for reading this chapter! HUGE THANKS to HappyPistachio the super editor for adding in a whole bunch of words (I feel like my writing is getting worse"orz). 

Thanks to the people who have subscribed and commented! It means a lot! (*≧∀≦*) <3 

And thank YOU for reading! <3