I fluttered my eyes close as I felt him throbbing inside of me. He was going to come soon and same goes to me. I could hear our heartbeat, ba thump ba thump… we were synchronized, we were finally one for the first time that night. He ed in and out of me, hitting me in the right spot everytime. Faster. Ba thump! Ba thump! Faster! Ba thump! Ba thump! Ba thump!

“Urghhhhhhh!!!!!!” He finally let out a scream near my ear and I felt his hot liquid bursting out around me. My mind blanked and I felt his presence. We were at the same place together now. A place where there is nothing but euphoria, nothing but me and him. Yet I know this won’t last forever.

A few seconds later, I can feel my conscious coming back to me. I can feel the humidity in the air again, making me sweat even more. And I can feel the wave of loneliness rushing back into my body. I shut my eyes even harder, if that was even possible. The white light started fading away slowly and I was once again engulfed by the darkness. At that moment, I could feel him pulling out of me but I didn’t want him to go. My face twisted in disagreement but my body just lay there restless, knowing that nothing could be done to stop him. His sweat trickled down onto my torso as he got off me sending chills down my spine. My eyes were still shut because I don’t have the heart to go through this exact same scene again….I rather drown in my own ocean of blackness.

I slowly felt the weight of the bed shifted under me and he was gone. Never once did he shower me with kisses and said sweet words. Never once did he cuddle me and slept till sunrise. Never once did he stay with me. I waited till the bathroom door slam shut and I slowly opened my eyes. Tears came gushing uncontrollaby down my still flushing cheeks. I turned to the right side where he was there just moments ago. His warmth and his scent, still lingering in the now stained bed sheets. I took in a deep breath, letting the vanilla with the mixture of his sweat intoxicate my mind. I lay there, bare and on the empty bed. There it ends, another night, another heartbreak.

“Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand
But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man
These nights never seem to go to plan
I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?”

I heard the jingling of keys at the front door.It's Khun! What time is it already? I look up at the clock as I rubbed my droopy eyes…. 3 AM… I look back at the table that I fell asleep on. The two white dinner candles have already melted down to pools of watery wax. The food on the table I prepared earlier had all turned cold and seem to have lost its flavor. The wine glasses were still empty with the wine bottle now in a melted ice bucket. The door finally swung open and a tall lean man still in his work suit stood there, trying to take his shoes off while untying his blue tie. 

“Khun….” I said faintly. I’m not sure why, but his name was like an enchanted spell. It makes my legs go weak and my heart flutter. 

“Oh, Woo…you’re still up? I told you earlier to not wait for me.”
Khun shuts the front door as he threw his keys on the table next to the shoe rack. 

“I know. But it’s a Friday.”

“So?”

“I only get to see you once a week now. How could I just go to bed…?” 

“Right, about that. I have something to tell you Youngie.” Youngie. Only Khun had the privilege to call me that. He came up with it and he reserved all rights to it.

“What is it?”

Khun was now on the sofa, rubbing his temples. 

“Youngie…I think tonight should be our last. We should stop.”

I stood next to the dining table, holding on to it so not to give way to my wobbly legs. I was tired too as I worked the morning shift today. “What……” was all I could utter. 

As seconds pass by, my eyes couldn’t hold themselves up any longer yet I saw Khun’s lips moving but I couldn’t hear a thing. What is he saying? I hear the ticking of the kitchen clock in the background. Tick tok, tick tok… The cars on the highway that zoomed pass outside the window, added into the rhythm. The aquarium pump, the TV from next door, the dog barking at the alley….I could hear everything, but not Khun’s sweet voice. 

I fell to the ground. Finally my legs couldn’t hold me up any longer. Khun stood up immediately and came to my side but I backed off into the corner of the kitchen.

“No, don’t come close. Please.” 

“Youngie…I’m sorry” Khun took a few steps towards me, clearly ignoring my pleads.

“No…please…” I covered my ears. I have nowhere to back up any further.

Khun let out a deep sigh. “Look Woo….” He always cut back on the sweet names when things get serious. “You know I love you right… I don’t want to do this to you but you don’t deserve someone like me.”

Lies. Lies again. Lies again and again. I wanted to argue with him but I was too tired. So I opted to just remain silent. Our eyes found each other. I’m not sure what he saw, but I could only see that pathetic face of mine reflecting in his eyes. I break the eye contact. 

“Woo I’m really—“

“Khun please don’t go. Please don’t leave me alone. Please” 

Jang Wooyoung, you really are so pathetic.

“Youngie I..”

I didn’t give him the chance to talk any further. “I know but please don’t go.” I was on my knees begging. My tears and snot were flying in all directions but I couldn’t care less. Yes, I was willing to do anything just so for Khun to stay with me. 
“I don’t care if we can only meet once a month or even once a year. Please don’t give up on me. I love you in too deep to let go now. Please don’t …”

“Woo, you know that I’m getting married next week already. How do you suppose I keep our relationship going? I love you but I have love her too now. Once I’m married, I have to keep my vows to be faithful to her“

“I don’t mind Khun!”

“I do! Don’t you understand Woo? I need to settle down already! With her!”

And with that, I let go of his legs that I was hugging on to. I let go of everything. The fact that I was just a fling right from the beginning. The fact that I was the only one putting in the effort in this relationship. The fact that I was never worthy enough to settle down with him…. I already knew all about this years ago but I still didn’t stop from falling in deeper and deeper into the hole that I dug myself.

I first met him in my freshman year in college. I was always known as the shy boy with glasses that shared the same dorm room with the prince of the campus. Although he was the popular boy that everyone loved and envied, it was all a pretense. He was merely a lonely boy from a wealthy family who still, like everyone else, craved for comfort and warmth. And I was the only one who could give him that without raising any suspicions. I never interfere with his social life, as long as he still turned to me once in a while, I was satisfied. I also never asked him for any official status. Like in fairytales, only the prince and the princess together can a story have a "happily ever after" ending. I never stood a chance. I knew my position well, where I stood in this relationship.

However, I kept my thoughts silent and bury them as much as I can at the back of my mind. But today, finally today….Khun himself utter those words. He pulled the trigger on me first. No matter how hard we try to run away from reality, it will always catch up to us; just so to burst the bubble that was merely there to let you float and fall back down to the ground again. I hit the ground hard this time. 

----------------------------------

In the dark, I scroll aimlessly through my Facebook timeline on my desktop. I pull the arrow down to refresh my news feed even though I’ve already done so a minute ago. I waited for another minute and pulled the arrow down once again. It made that weird noise but nothing new appeared. I let go of the mouse and plop on top of the desk, clearly giving up on whatever I was waiting for. Lightning started flashing outside the window, creating beautiful patterns in the dark night sky. I waited for the thunder to come right after, but it didn’t. When I let my guard down however, the roar of the thunder jolted me straight up. My heartbeat started racing and I sensed that what I was waiting for had finally arrived. I hastily refreshed my news feed and there it was….the man that I was crazily in love in, smiling happily back at me. However, the person next to him, arm linked with his, clearly wasn’t me. She had long brown silky hair, eyes that were gentle and kind and a smile that bared her pearly white teeth. She was definitely as perfect as him and I could finally admit that I was clearly defeated.

Rain splatted heavily on my window causing my mind to wander even further. What did I do to deserve this? Why did I have to fall in love with someone I knew I won’t be able to hold on to forever? Why and how did he get the easy way out?  Yet here I am, back to square one, with a scar forever across my heart. Life is so unfair.  From today onwards, he is a legally-wed man. From today onwards, it was over between me and him. From today onwards, I have to survive on without him.

I didn’t cry that night because the sky already did. There was no need for more tears to show how pitiful I was. I already know. 

"Why am I so emotional?
No it's not a good look, gain some self control
And deep down I know this never works
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt"

5 months and 2 weeks later, life goes on as usual. Ever since Khun left my apartment that day, I haven't seen him nor heard from him.  It was tough for the first 2 months, I admit, but I was determined to forget about him. I tried to block out any news or any mutual friends so not to receive any information about him. Work was all I focus on now. I guess I finally decided to put my head into the game and climb my way up to the top. I received a promotion at work today and I'm now in charge of the accounting department. Here I am, at the pub with my team mates to celebrate my well deserved promotion.

"Thank you to all of you. Without you all, I would never have made it till today. I will do my very best  in this position and will definately make life easy for everyone!"

We cheered with our beer glasses and went for another round of alcohol and more finger foods. I sat down in the far corner while my colleagues started playing beer pong. I laugh at their silliness while untying the blue tie around my.......... wait, why is his blue tie around my neck? The one he left at my apartment that he never step foot in since. I threw the tie on the sofa next to me and gave it a death stare. How did that thing made it around my neck this morning and why didn't I realize it till now? My mood suddenly made a u-turn back to blue paradise....depressing thoughts creeping up to haunt me. I grab my beer glass on the table and sculled it down. no! Tonight was meant to be happy and cheery. I don't want this depressing Jang Wooyoung tonight. Just not tonight!

I hit my head a few times with my palms as if the pain as well of images of Khun will fall off from my brain. Of course, it didn't work. I searched my pockets for my pills...(yes, I was on medication) but decided it wasn't a good idea to mix them with alcohol (I shouldn't be drinking this much alcohol either). The music was suddenly piercing my ears and the air was suddenly too stuffy to breathe. Everything was spinning around me and it wasn't a good sign. No....don't let it come back Jang Wooyoung. Control yourself! I stood up and decided to excuse myself to the restroom before it was too late.

I lean against the basin and took in deep breaths...Jang Wooyoung, what an idiot you are to let one necktie trigger a panic attack. I took a few more deep breaths before splashing my face with ice cold water. Wake up you fool! It's been 5 months and if he cared about you he would had contacted you already. I try to reason with myself in my head and I nod into the mirror, agreeing to my own argument. However, there was another person in the mirror when I looked into it. A familiar and unforgettable face. My heart started racing once again which had only been calmed down minutes ago. I was trembling harder than before and it felt like I might fall dead right there and then. I quickly looked away from the mirror with much effort and decided to run for the exit.

"Wooyoung!"  he screamed.

I ignored him and continue striding my way up to the exit. Why is there no one present in the restroom right this moment? God, did you arranged this reunion to me up? I don't need it!

He called my name once more but I didn't stop for him and walked straight out of the restroom. I could hear his footsteps chasing behind me. I push past the crowd in the middle of the dance floor with much difficulty while at the same time remembering to inhale and exhale. I finally see the two bouncers that granted our team their entry near the exit door. I scramble towards it and pratically jumped out of the door. I know he was just right behind me the whole time and there was no point in escaping but I couldn't handle another second in that confine space. The fresh midnight air filled my oxygen-deficient lungs and I slowly got my senses back.

He finally made his way out the door and searched left and right for me frantically. I wanted to quickly hide behind one of the parked cars but I was too mesmerized by the sight in front of me.  It was as if the Gods really arranged all of this. The moonlight was shone directly on to his face, causing him to glow brigthly in the dark....like an angel. His eyebrows were knotted together, which I always made fun of. His cheeks were the same shade as his lips, both rosy red and inviting.....5 months away from him and I was awestruck by how much more handsome he was now. 

He finally spotted me and ran towards me. We stood face to face in silent for a few seconds. The moonlight suddenly glowing even brigther and enveloping both of us.

"Youngie..." I shivered  "How are you?"

I tried to look calm but in the inside, I was in torment. However, something caught my eye on his ring finger and my tensed muscles started to relax again. So this is what the moonlight was for. I let out a small laugh.

"It's none of your buisness." I reply stifly.

Khun ignored my answer and instead blurted out a " I miss you."

"I missed you Youngie."

The rage in me started building up and it was ready to hurl itself towards him.

"What is there to miss? I assumed you have been living a "happily ever after" life for the past 5 months while I was in a storm with my own ing concious. off Nichkhun."

I'm sure he was taken aback by my change in attitude, he couldn't utter back a single word. Guilty as charged..

He tried to take a few step closer to me when I told him to back off immediately. For a few minutes, it was like we were doing some serious tango-ing in the middle of the small alley. Him pushing forwards while I stepped backwards.

"Stop it!" I yelled. Why was I even playing this game with him when I could have just walked off. Also, why is he so persistant? He is still wearing his wedding ring for God's sake! He is still in a legal marriage. But why is he doing this with me on a Friday midnight?

While pondering all of this, I let my guard down for a few moments. He wasn't a safe distance away in front of me anymore. I look around to situate his whereabouts but only to have two arms slithered around my waist from behind. I look down to the pair of hands and the small diamond carved in between the sliver was shining bright straight into my face. I try to break free immediately but he was too strong for me.

He lay his head on my shoulder and snuggled his face into my nape. I kept struggling to escape but to no avail.

"Youngie, please stop moving." His every word, a whisper glacing on my neck. I close my eyes, not sure if I was enjoying it or not.

After what felt like forever, he suddenly spun me around to face him. I opened my eyes in shock while his arms balance me upright. 

Khun looked straight into my eyes...I wanted to avoid his gaze, I swear I did! But I submitted into it, hopelessly. I’m not sure what he saw in mine this time, but what I saw in his....what I saw.....can only be seen through his deep black orbs.

I saw the younger version of me. I was still wearing my glasses, my hair styled in a nerdy way. Although I wasn't attractive, I had the most beautiful smile planted on my face. My eyes were staring at someone that couldn't be seen in the frame. I followed the gaze of the younger me and saw him, standing far away, with a duplicate smile I had on me planted on his. He was waving at me, and the younger me waved back.

The frame suddenly flashes and I was taken back to our old domitory that we shared together. It was our first night....together as one. Flashes of how he stripped me slowly, touching me gently starting from my face, my neck, down to my torso, in between my thighs and lastly to the most senstive part of me. Flashes of how he moaned in pleasure while screaming my name wanting for more. Flashes of how our sweat mixed together with lust in the quiet night as we panted for more air. Flashes of how we reached our high together at the same time and how we slept in each other's arms till sunrise.

We were young, happy and carefree back then. There were no explanations needed, no responsibilities to take care of. We need not tell others what goes on behind the close doors of our room, for we were more than happy that we had each other to turn to. However, I wasn't sure he actually loved me like how I loved him. When graduation came, it all spiralled into a nightmare from that point onwards. Family, society, respositbilities, burdens, negativity....all came pouring in one by one right after we parted ways with the little world of ours.

We saw each other less and less frequent. We made love to each other less and less frequent. Once in a blue moon when we do, it wasn't  love making anymore but pure instead. It felt like I was being treated as a toy, just there for his stress-relieving services. I knew that he was being constantlypressured by his family to be the next inheritor. He was arranged to meet up with young ladies of his parent's choice, so to secure a marriage as soon as possible that will eventually aid their family financially in the future.

My heart grew fonder and fonder for him as time went by. As the phrase goes, the heart grows fonder when apart. Suddenly, it was me who needed him more than he needed me. I really don't mind being the "mistress" in his life, as I told him before. However, it felt like I was being treated even more lowly than a "mistress", I was more like an to him, where he would call me up, complain about his troubles and have with me to end the day.One thing I appreciate though was that, no matter how fustrated he was with life, he would never transfer it onto me physically. We promised to respect each other and I liked him for keeping that promise. The most he gave me was a cold shoulder, which I slowly got used to. He thought I was contented with how our relationship played out. I wasn't obviously, but I wanted him to stay with me, because he was all I need and have. So like an idiot, I bear it all. I kept waiting for him to return, I kept shedding tears for him and I kept holding on to him when I should had let it all go after graduation.

I was pulled back to reality when I felt hot tears rolling down my face. I was still in his arms...why even? His left thumb rested on one of my tears, and he rubbed it off. Another tear came rolling down and he rubbed it off again.

"Why are you crying?" he whispered.

"Why aren't you crying?"  I took a step back, trying to create some distance between us. His touch on my waist turned cold and started to feel uncomfortable. There was no more warmth and no more magic. It was stale. Dead.

"Can I ask you something?"  I make another eye contact with him, this time with much more confidence.

He didn't respond but I continued on anyway. "Look into my eyes. What do you see see?" He remained silent, but I can see he was trying hard to find an answer for my question. He looked straight into my eyes and I stared back at him. I’m not sure what he saw in mine, but I saw myself in his dark orbs, slowly vanishing into thin air. 

The silence continued on, so I decided to initiate.

"It's okay Khun. I know the answer already. I guess I was too blind in love throughout these 5 years, but I saw it clearly tonight. I was never in your eyes. I was merely something  that you would take a glance at and have forgetten about in a matter of 10 seconds. It's different for me. When I look into your eyes, I recall moments of us being together, the memories so vividly playing right before me. That is when I realized I took our relationship way too seriously....and I shouldn't have. Yes, I got defeated because I was too serious. I wasn't happy, and I deserve to be happy." I took the opportunity to detach myself from his arms, while he was trying to digest what I just said. I finally returned back to a safety zone. I have been playing with fire for too long and it was nice to be back. "So I wish you all the best in your life. Let's not meet ever again, and if we ever bumped into each other, let's just pretend we are strangers. It's better that way for the both of us." I gave him a genuine smile and turned around to walk away from him. Forever.

"Wait Wooyoung!  Wait! Please!... I... I need you! Stay with me, please. We can work this out together." He was stuttering with his words.  So this is how it always sounded in the past when I kept pleading for him to stay. I nodded, yes I agree it was truly a pathetic sight . I laugh at this deja vu.  "Sure Khun, why not. I will stay with you, like how you stayed with me......" I turn my head around, throwing my last words towards him "...which you never did."

"Oh, won't you stay with me?
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me"