Two years pass and they were full of longing, regret, and tears.

Longing because I wanted to see Jungkook again at the very least; tears because it was so frustrating to be seen as only a fan to him; regret because I wasn’t born as someone he could love easily. The regret I felt was a stupid feeling though.

It was fate that bore me into this family, away from Jungkook. It was fate that made me become too attached to a guy who only has to breathe and people would go crazy. It was fate that made me get so close to him, yet still be so unbearably far that he treated me as a fan, albeit a lucky one. And it’s fate that made me suffer so much because he’ll never return my feelings. Heck, for all I know, he might even see me as but a money-maker.

Even now I still suffer. Even now I still believe that we’re in this situation because of fate. I know Jungkook will never love me the way I love him, although I truly wish with all my heart that he would.

That would be really unfair though—choosing me out of the millions of other fans he has around the world. They might even love him more than I do, I’ll admit that much. But no one could possibly feel the same way as me… right?

Or is what my heart telling me something all fangirls feel, just at different intensities?

If that’s so then I really might lose my mind. To think that millions of people—male and female—are in love with Jungkook just the same, what makes me any different? And why would he bother to choose me to keep, let alone remember my face from the concert two years ago?

My head and chest hurts just thinking about it and I hardly notice the folded piece of paper fall out of my locker when I swing it open. I stoop to pick up the paper, unfolding it and skimming over the words. I’m really not in the mood to deal with random papers in my locker, but as soon as I realize I’m reading a love letter, I carefully reread the note, eyeing each word individually. Maybe it’s a joke—I mean, who would like a girl who has no idea what to do with her obsession of attractive Korean men, particularly one named Jeon Jungkook?

    “Sorry to bother you while you could probably be doing something better. First off, my name is _. We’re in the same science and history classes, and we also have the same lunch period. I don’t want to come off as a stalker or anything, it’s just that I’m a bit too shy to confess in person.

I like you. I won’t ask you to become my girlfriend right away because we haven’t even interacted with each other that often. I only ask that you give me some of your time after school tomorrow so I can take you to a cafe and we can get to know each other or something.

Even if you dislike me, at least give me a chance. If you still can’t bring yourself to see me at your side, I’ll understand. I’ll do my best to forget about my feelings for you and move on.

Just remember: tomorrow (Wednesday) at 4:15 I’ll meet you at your locker.”

First of all… wow. At least this guy has manners. And he’s not being chased around by paparazzi every second of the day, so I know if I do end up with him, we can keep the details of our relationship private. And plus I could use this as the perfect opportunity to move on from Jungkook. It’s definitely easier to try to like someone you want to like rather than try to make the one you like reciprocate your feelings. Maybe. I don’t know.

~

Our little date is cute and enjoyable. We tell each other of our likes and dislikes, our hobbies, and our aspirations. I don’t tell him about Jungkook, just that I’m in a complicated relationship right now that I’m ready to end [which isn’t technically a lie], and he tells me that he’s totally willing to help me out. And I’m totally willing to let him. He’s a great guy, I know him from some of our classes together, as he wrote in his letter, and now I wish I’d gotten to know him before.

He’s fun to talk to, particularly because he can effortlessly carry a conversation. We talk so much that we don’t even realize how long we were at the cafe until a worker notifies us of the approaching closing time.

It’s 9:30pm so he walks me home. Upon arriving near my house, we exchange numbers and bid one another adieu.

“Who was that? A boy?” my mom asks as soon as I step into the living room.

“Yeah.  He left me a love letter in my locker yesterday so we went on a date today,” I tell the truth. No point in lying anyway.

“I hope you realize that if you keep this up, I’m gonna have to meet him before anything happens,” my dad warns.

Blushing, I lower my head to suppress a smile. “I know.”

I do wish sincerely that something would happen. Of course I’ll still love Jungkook, I’ll just be shifting some of those feelings to _.

~

Weeks pass and we still go out frequently. He often texts lines from Shakespeare’s plays or sonnets, and honestly it’s the cutest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

I’m rereading Sonnet 18 right now when I hear my laptop ding.

I open the email after tearing my eyes from my phone and see that the site I subscribed to is telling me Jungkook will be coming in July, a few months from now, for another concert.

My chest constricts. My stomach twists. Suddenly it’s hard to breathe. Inhale, exhale, I tell myself, but the air comes in shallow puffs. My eyes are glued to the screen, reading the email again over and over, but I can’t focus.

My heart is hammering so violently against my ribs that it hurts. I try to put a hand over it to somewhat calm it, but I stop the moment my hand comes off the mouse. It’s shaking so much, like wispy tree branches whipping around in a storm.

Why is it that all my hard work of trying to like _ is going down the drain because of this one stupid email? Why is it that I was unaware enough to forget to unsubscribe to these alerts? And why is it that two years later Jungkook’s stupid self still has enough power over me to make me feel this way when it’s not even his doing since he’s not the one sending me these emails, it’s the website!

What’s worse, my feelings have grown…. Or am I just nervous and confused?

Yes… but I’m also dying to see him again. It’s been two years since I’ve seen him in front of me, heard his voice right next to me, felt his touch on my skin.

I have to go to this concert. Tickets go on sale in three weeks. That’s enough time to save up some money.

I reason it’s probably going to be around $200 for VIP+, and it’s a good thing I already have three quarters of that saved up. Getting the remaining amount will be no problem.

Will he remember me?

Yeah right, our meeting two friggin’ years ago was for, like, 5 minutes altogether.

But what if he does remember me? What then? What if he calls me onstage again and serenades me in front of thousands of fans? What if he hugs me again like the first time, except this time it’ll be for longer?

All these what ifs with no definite answers. At least, not until the concert itself comes.

I can feel the excitement bubbling from the depths of my heart, pumping through my veins into every fiber of my being. How am I supposed to cope with this for months to come?

~

The tickets go on sale at 10am. Right now my bedside clock reads 1:00am. I need my sleep since I have a big day ahead of me, but I just can’t will myself to do so.

I feel like a child the night before her first day of school. So many emotions: excitement, because what the heck it’s Jeon Jungkook we’re talking about here; fear, because what if I can’t somehow get the tickets; nervousness, because what if everything goes terribly wrong… or everything goes wonderfully right?

I can only hope.

~

It’s now 9:30am and I haven’t slept a wink. I tried, believe me, but it wouldn’t happen. I’m in the virtual waiting room, have been for two hours, and the wait is killing me. I play all of Jungkook’s albums and close my eyes for a bit, lost in his amazing voice.

Silence fills my ears when his songs are over and I open my eyes, ready to order my VIP+ ticket. My eyes scan the screen and I feel my heart plummet past my feet, through the floor, out the other side of the Earth and into outer space, lost in oblivion.

The show is completely sold out and it’s 11am.

Wait but it’s only been an hour. Is he really so popular that within 60 minutes all the tickets are sold? Gone? No longer available for me to have?

So… I won’t see him again? Is this fate working against me again?

It takes a while for my senses to come back to me and I realize what all this means.

I won’t be seeing Jungkook as I did two years ago. I won’t feel my heart flutter—no, race—a thousand kilometers an hour because of being within some meters of him. I won’t hear the sound of his voice so close to my ears. I won’t see his big, beautiful eyes looking into my own.

I won’t experience any of that anymore, all because I stayed up all night and dozed off at the most crucial time.

~

Many rants and tears later, I realize I could just see him at the airport. He always tweets when and where he’s arriving. I’ll just go to the airport beforehand and move to whichever gate he says he’ll come out of.

My spirits are somewhat lifted and all I can do is smile through my ridiculous tears still streaming down my face. Why am I even crying over this? It’s not like my world will shatter into millions of tiny shards, broken beyond repair. Besides, for three weeks straight I nearly forgot all about _. I hardly replied to his texts or went on any more dates with him. The only explanation I gave was that I needed to prepare for Jungkook’s arrival.

When I told him Jungkook would be visiting, he flipped out. He begged me not to see him, called me countless times and texted throughout the days, but I chose to ignore it all.

I was so blind about meeting Jungkook once again that I completely blew off the guy who’s been trying to stop me from feeling so crappy because of Jungkook.

I call him up and apologize for acting the way I did. I still don’t tell him that Jungkook is an idol, but I do say that I won’t be so bothered about his coming. I also don’t tell him about my resolution to catch even the slightest glimpse of him at the airport in a few months when he comes in July.

~

July 15th. Jungkook has already arrived for his concert tomorrow and I'm rushing to his gate. He tweeted about it a few seconds ago and immediately I made my way to the area.

Already quite a few people are in the vicinity, many holding cameras ready to take pictures of Jungkook. My eyes scan the people with luggage coming toward us and I spot Jungkook among them. The crowd screams and surges forward, throwing me onto the floor. Wincing, I crawl between people’s legs to an open spot and someone helps me stand. Without looking up I mutter, “thanks”, and dust myself off. When I raise my head, I feel myself go dizzy for a second. Jungkook is looking right at me, concern in his eyes. The crowd of fans moves toward us once more and Jungkook nods at his guards, who make a way for him to the door. He grabs my hand and we run out the airport and into a black van, his guards right behind us.

“I...don’t know why I did that,” Jungkook says once we’re all buckled in and the vehicle is in motion.

“I’m going to be murdered. Everyone around the world will definitely find out about this,” I stare at my phone in my hands as a smirk tugs at my lips. What are the odds of this even happening? Sure, people get knocked around all the time when they’re in a crowd, but to be helped up by the one who caused the crowd, and even be taken hostage? Surely I’m dreaming again.

Jungkook looks at me with horror written all over his face.

“I’m kidding,” I laugh at his reaction. “Assuming people even figure out who I am, the most I’ll get is probably some hate mail or something.”

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. You can just say I hurt myself when I fell and you took me to the hospital.”

“...Right.” He stares at my face and his head to the side. “Where have I seen you before?”

My heart skips a beat. I’m internally screaming because Oh my god Jungkook remembers me. He may not remember where he’s seen me, but he still recognizes me! I wasn’t completely forgotten like I thought!

“I, uh, was at your, um, concert two years ago. You sang to me on stage,” I say, turning redder by the second.

Recognition causes his eyes to widen and he smiles, which is totally not good for my heart. “I remember now. And at the meet-and-greet all you did was hug me. Didn’t even tell me your name or anything,” he chuckles. Dammit. “So are you coming to my concert tomorrow?”

I almost blurt out a yes when I recall what happened the day the tickets went on sale, and sigh. “Can’t. I tried to buy a ticket but I stayed up the night before and fell asleep when they went on sale. By the time I woke up the show was sold-out.” I let my head fall back on the headrest and close my eyes. If I open them, I know I’ll cry. I was devastated when I couldn’t get my ticket, and I’m still devastated now that Jungkook himself is asking me.

“Well, I could give you one for free,” he says. My eyes snap open and I stare at him. “Okay maybe not completely free. You’ll have to … y’know … do something for me in return,” he winks, then bursts out laughing when he sees my mouth drop open and my face blush a deep red. He wipes a tear before continuing, “I meant go on a date with me or something! Oh my god your reaction was priceless.”

“Yeah, okay. We all know you secretly wanna get with this,” I retort, trying to regain my composure and failing very badly because dammit my face is on fire.

He stops laughing and raises an eyebrow at me. He opens his mouth to say something, but the driver cuts him off.

“Sir, we’ve been driving around aimlessly for a while now. Should we drop the young lady off and get to the hotel?”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot. Where do you live?” Jungkook turns to me.

I give my address and we’re on our way.

Jungkook clears his throat, “So are you coming tomorrow? I was serious about giving you a complimentary ticket. It’ll be VIP+.”

At first I was going to deny and tell him he really didn’t have to do that, but come on. When your favorite idol offers you a free concert ticket, you have to be a complete idiot to refuse. “Of course! Thank you very much for all this,” I smile, tears filling my eyes.

“Whoa, don’t cry! Honestly I’ve never understood why fans cry when they meet their idols. Shouldn’t that be a happy occasion?”

I snort. “It’s just overwhelming. We cry because it’s all we’ve ever dreamed about, and it’s all we’ve ever believed it to be: a dream. When it actually happens, we’re literally living out our dream, and our heart swells and spills through our eyes.”

Jungkook nods and doesn’t say anything in reply, so we lapse into silence until we arrive at my house. He gets out and holds the door open for me, and says, “So I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 6. I have to be there early to rehearse and stuff, so I can’t get you any later. Hope that’s okay.”

I blink. Is Jungkook, the love of my life, whom I’ve only met once before, telling me he’s going to pick me up two hours before his concert so we can go together? “Yeah,” I say, still in a daze. “That’s perfectly okay.”

He smiles and waits until I get to my doorstep, then waves at me and gets back into the car. When the car drives out of sight, I quickly unlock the front door and bolt upstairs into my room.

My room. It’s still filled with Jungkook’s face. I never had the heart to take his posters and pictures down, even though _ asked me to do all that I could to forget about him.

_. I’ve been blowing him off for a while now, and I feel terrible, but there’s nothing I can do about him. Jungkook is here, and my feelings as a fangirl can’t just disappear so easily. Besides, he remembers me and is acknowledging my existence by picking me up tomorrow. He even asked that I go on a date with him as compensation for the free ticket. A date. With Jungkook. What more could a fangirl possibly ask for? This is no time for worrying about other guys. I’ll have to break off whatever I have with _ because I feel like I’m cheating on him.

So I do. I call off the dating and apologize for leading him on. And the next day I dress nicely and go with Jungkook to his concert. And the day after that I go on a date with him. And when he leaves to continue his tour, we keep in contact until the next time he has a concert here.

This is my accomplished life as a fangirl.