There’s a guy I’ve been crazy about for two years. Since the moment I saw him, my heart was set right away. There’s something that needs to

be understood though: the way I love is unique and difficult to explain to others because they deem it weird, and even now it seems strange to think about carefully, but I’ll try to portray it properly to you. It goes like this:

Basically I’m a pro at “love at first sight”. Just one look and a little knowledge of his talents and cupid’s arrow will have pierced my heart. Once I fall, I love passionately and quickly, until another Prince Charming walks into my line of vision and the cycle starts again. This is how it was with the one I love now, Jungkook, even though I have phases within this [quite long] phase. I obsess over another guy (though not as much as Jungkook) and within a few weeks my obsession is done. I go back to loving my true beloved, who seems to be Jungkook, seeing as I’ve had these undying feelings for him for two years. Even my friends know of this cycle, but they aren’t familiar with any of the guys because they’ve never met.

"Hey, how is your boyfriend?” one classmate calls as she makes her way to me in the hallway at school.

This is what it’s become. Since I’ve talked so much of this guy, my friends nicknamed him my “boyfriend,” and I just let them. It never hurt anyone to dream, right?

“Obviously it’s hard, I mean, they’re in a long distance relationship. Long distance monkey balls, man,” another classmate places a hand on my shoulder. “I don’t know how you do it but yeah keep it up. Props to you.”

Smiling, I reply, “Thanks, guys. Hey, look at this picture I got of him recently.” I show them the photo, and they compliment his cuteness. We’ve been through this before—I bring in a new picture every so often and there’s not much else they can call him. He looks plain in their eyes. But they can’t see like me. How can pigeons have the same perspective as eagles when they fly in different altitudes? I’m not looking down on them, I’m just saying there’s a reason why people see the ones they love in a different light than others.

This time, just as all the ones before, the only thing I can do is admire his features and wish he were right in front of me. It’s tragic, really. Our destinies don’t intertwine in any way whatsoever, but I keep torturing myself with allowing my heart to continue having affection for him. When people ask if I believe in love, the only answer I can give is that it’s “my most effective form of self-harm” and I mean it. He’s so far away and yet what is there I can do? I’m a student in high school with no money to travel to where he is. Such a tantalizing life this is.

One piece of information changed my life though. I was on Twitter in class (because math is so boring and just ugh) when I saw the tweet Jungkook’s friends had made that they would be coming to visit me. I swear my heart stopped at that moment and began again a second later, pounding violently against my rib cage as if it wanted to leap out of my chest and hop all the way to Jungkook now. And I’m sure it would have done just that if it could.

No words could possibly explain the ecstasy and overpowering relief and joy I felt in that moment, because who wouldn’t feel that way? It’s like I suddenly received wings and was given the chance to soar above the clouds hand-in-hand with the warmth of my love, feeling the happy, effulgent rays of the sun shine happily down on our faces. The one I love is finally visiting me for the first time, after an exchange of only pictures and videos for two straight years. I wanted to scream and cry and laugh all at once, but I’m still in class. Bummer. The moment the bell rings for lunch, I’ll be all over my friends so they know my love might finally be legitimately returned.

They congratulate me, truly glad that I might spend some time with Jungkook at last. And I will. I won’t waste a single second with him. I’ll tell him of all the times we could have spent together, but we can just make it up in the future.

I prepare vigorously for my meeting with Jungkook. It’ll be in a really crowded place, so I want to be comfortable yet presentable. I put my hair up in a high ponytail and wear a simple yet pretty, conservative dress, and pull on Vans shoes. I wear minimal makeup because I’m afraid I’ll sweat it off if I put too much, and plus natural beauty is nice anyway.

We get to the meeting point and my heart starts palpitating again. I can feel very vividly the adrenaline coursing quickly through my veins. My whole body is on fire and the only thing I can think of is to hold him, so I reach out to him. He doesn’t see me though. He’s smiling at other girls. I call his name, spill my heart out to him, scream for his attention, but he still doesn’t notice me. I’m jealous, of course, but I love him too much to stay mad for long.

I forgive him instantly because his eyes finally catch mine and he smiles for a second, my body frozen in its place. He beckons to me and I go to him, nearly tripping over my own feet and others’. He hugs me and I’m paralyzed, not even thinking to hug him back because he’s finally here, finally in front of me, finally mine. He releases me from the hug too quickly for my liking but he steps back and admires me. I blush furiously, my cheeks burning all the way to my ears, my hands trembling, and I gather the strength to lift my palm carefully to his cheek.

He smiles- oh that smile!- and I can’t help but let the corners of my lips curve upward as well. His voice sounds- his angel voice!- and I close my eyes to let the sound resonate throughout my entire being, reminding myself to never forget the smoothness of his voice. He leans in for a peck on my cheek and that does it. The moment his soft lips touch the skin of my left cheek, my muscles lose all strength, my bones turning to putty, and he helps me to a chair. He kneels in front of me and peers into my face- oh his eyes! I could stare into his eyes forever and it would be like venturing into a beautiful abyss. I wouldn’t mind getting lost; I never want to break eye contact with him. He reaches up and touches my hair, gently pulling my hair tie out to let my hair fall in a smooth curtain around my shoulders. He takes a lock in his long fingers and brings it to his nose, breathing in the scent. He runs his hand through my hair and then squats back in front of me, holding my hand gently, intertwining our fingers.

I can’t quite recall what happens next because I was so mesmerized at what had just transpired. It was like a dream, and if it really was, I truly hoped with all my heart and soul that I’d never wake up. If those moments with Jungkook were just products of my imagination during sleep, I think that would be the worst prank of all time by whatever gods reside above. To tease someone of finally being with her love after only seeing pictures and videos of him with hardly any contact whatsoever would be the lowest of the low. I’m afraid of closing my eyes for even a split second to blink, for fear of possibly coming to my senses and ending this beautiful dream.

Some time later Jungkook is lost from my sight and I panic, searching frantically around for him, calling his name every now and again to find him. I see him soon after, surrounded by a horde of girls. I have the urge to shove them all away and take Jungkook for myself, since he’s mine anyway, but there are so many people and it’s so loud that I can hardly hear myself think.

Once the girls leave I approach him hesitantly, until a flash of recognition crosses his features and a huge smile plays across his face that touches his eyes, turning them to crescent moons. Relief gushes from my heart and I return the expression, lifting my arms to circle his neck, and his own, strong arms snake around the small of my back. I relax against his touch and we stay in that position for a while.

Voices slowly reach me and Jungkook, the entrancing silence between us broken, and he pulls away, my hands resting on his shoulders. I suddenly realize the voices belong to his friends and I immediately pull my hands back, ducking my head to hide my deep blush. They laugh, including Jungkook, who chuckles, and it’s such sweet music to my ears that my eyes flutter closed and a grin forms on my lips. We part ways and I can’t even complain that we probably won’t see each other again for another two years, because our short meeting today was more than I could ever have imagined.

I open the door to my house and my parents greet me from the living room. I bend down to kiss my mom and dad, and then stand up, ready to retire for the night in my room.

“How was the concert?” my dad asks, and I can feel my throat closing.

Before my voice is affected, I answer with a hint of reminiscence already in my voice, “Perfect.” I look to my mom and she sees the plea for help in my eyes and saves me by smiling understandingly and bidding me goodnight.

I climb under the thin sheets on my bed after changing, and I pull the covers over my head. My throat releases the tears it’s been holding and I lay there, crying in the middle of a midsummer’s night over a guy who has probably already forgotten me.

I’m just a fangirl, yet I’m madly in love with an idol.

~-~

sorry if it's crappy i wrote this at like 1am because i wrote a poem last week and yesterday my friends and i were talking about the bts concert coming up in new york and she gave me this idea to turn it into a fic. so yeah. hoped you liked it~ :3

make sure to comment what you think please! i'm just a beginner writer so i'd love to hear any feedback :D