It was night. The day when I saw Kara and Lay were outside together, standing side by side, looking at each other with full of smile and a loving eyes. I wanted to interrupt them but it stopped when I heard Jongdae called me. Perfect time for him to prevent me from going there. I forgot what reason Jongdae had for calling me and in the end, I failed to interrupt them. Still, my eyes looking towards them as I went back inside the hall and I found them staring at me too. Kara with the hatred in her eyes looking at me and it was the perfect time for me to show up there and steal her, explaining all things to her.

It’s now late. Really late. My chances are gone. So I bet there’s no Kara in my life again. It’s part of Lay now. And Lay is my senior who I never talk to. Not because things happened, but because I don’t get a chance to talk to him even when I was in high school. I never get involved in organization with him or just merely talk, say hi. We are too strangers for that.

Kara… yes, that name. The name that people around me always teases me with and a name where I find I miss it most. I regret things I’ve done in the past, but in the present doesn’t seem that way.

I was going to talk to her when she was having problem with Lay, well I didn’t know what it was, I was just guessing but I think that it turns out right. I even offered her, “If you wanna talk, just talk. I’m ready for help,” but Kara didn’t respond with anything. I guess, I’m not even in her league to say that. Not my rights or privileged anymore.

Now she becomes with someone else. Why do I just realize it now? Why am I so late?

---

 

My story and Kara goes back to high school where I started to find her interesting. After nine plus years I spent in the same school with her, I just found her beautiful. She interests me so much, yet I’m not a very active person so I slipped many chances to confess my feeling with her. Until a friend just blabbered it out and our friendship became stranger. I didn’t know the after effect could be like this. Kara didn’t even start a talk with me ever. Before that happened, we were once a friends, good friend I might say, well maybe not like Kara and Jongdae but it was pretty good to talk with her.

The days spent like that without talking with her until she confessed publicly in class (I know maybe that was the stupidest thing she ever did) that she liked me too. We started dating by then. She confessed to me too that she ever imagined if she and I were dating, what it was like. I was just laughing at her and she then started punching my arms. We joked a lot, talked a lot, hang out a lot. I even got our first kiss.

It was after school. I went to the rooftop to rest a bit. Students rarely came here and I felt a bit comfortable to know that they don’t like spending time at rooftop. So there I went. I told her to come to rooftop if she needed any companion whatsoever. She did came.

“Why are you resting in here? Your home is closer, you just can go home,” she started her speech. I just chuckled and listened her blabbering while closing my eyes. “You didn’t listen to me,” then she slapped my stomach, not hard but it felt hurt a bit. I laughed and opened my eyes.

“Don’t go hard on me!” I said, complaining of she had done to me. She just smiled. I watched her closely to her eyes and she was avoiding it. I knew she was embarrassed of being looked at but I kept doing it.

“You show yourself with me rather than to your friends,” she said.

“That’s just how it is,” I said. I’m more blunt when I’m with her. “You don’t like it?”

“It’s okay,” she said once again.

“I didn’t know you are such a coward. Why don’t you look at me?” I provoked her to look at me. Kara has a strong personality. She is brave. Her word I heard on high school was very strong and harsh, but she managed to change it few months later.

Finally… she did look at me. I smiled and grinned and she could just smirk. “Hey,” she said.

“What?” I said. She didn’t move an inch then I finally made a move to her. I kissed her. She didn’t move and after that I smiled. I chuckled and her face looked to the floor, embarrassed much. I took her head to get into my embrace.

“Just go home,” she said about going home once again. I guess I didn’t have a choice so we were going home.

---

 

Then we were going into pretty normal dating style. We didn’t go overboard because Kara didn’t like it and I respected her choice. But boys… have thoughts in their mind. I tried to control myself and I did.

Until one day a situation that could change our relationship. Because of that, we broke up. It was my fault too, but her words when we broke up was surprising me too. Like I’m getting a worst word, worse than a cursed words. I was shocked.

“Anyway at this whole time I don’t like you,” she said. I didn’t believe what she was saying. The day we broke up, we met in the park. No one was around, a quiet afternoon. I shook my head. My eyes were blinking several times. “I’m not lying,” she said once again. “I’m forced to date you, to like you.”

What is worse than those words? Forcing herself to like me, to date me, this whole three months. Even it was a short time to be together, still, hearing it was very hurtful. Being with someone who was forcing herself to be with you. My heart broke into pieces, but at one side I was wrong too.

So this was one girl in my class that in several times had been going out with several boys in class. Right then, she was unoccupied and there was a day when we were studying together with other friends as well at my house. This girl came.

We were studying, the boys left for a drink to the kitchen, her other friend didn’t come yet. We were left both, alone. I didn’t know what conversation to say and she was the one who asked me a lot. Then I texted her to break the ice.

And there was one sentence that could be my mistake, “May I hold hands with you?” I said. She was very surprised, knowing that I had a girlfriend then and she knew well about Kara. I know I was saying something wrong, but I didn’t say another word after it. She shook her head.

Firmly, she said, “No. No way,” she realized me and I was back into my consciousness. “You had Kara,” ah… yeah… she reminded me of my girlfriend.

“I’m… sorry,” I said.

“Let’s just get back into work,” then we were studying again but the vibe between me and her was not good enough.

Apparently after that, Kara knew it. She talked with me, she knew the whole story. “Maybe you already said you love her, don’t you?” she asked me. I was flustered. And coincidentally, lately I’ve been texting with that girl but I was the one in move.

“No, not there,” I said. Tried to get away from this conversation.

“I think we need to break up,” she said. I didn’t find a word for any defense or just preventing our separation. After that, there she went with the harsh words.

I didn’t say anything, even though I didn’t want us to break up. After being convinced with my friends, I tried to talk with her again after school but she wouldn’t listen. She cried, told me she wouldn’t listen, ever.

Until this day, we are in college. All that past she seems to let it go already. I know the story from Jongdae. Sometimes he was a good informer about Kara and things around her. He said, “Kara already let it go, maybe you can talk to her,” and that’s why I tried to talk to her several times but she still gives me a cold response. I understand.

Like today on the break time. I pass her, I think she’s on the way to the library.

“Hey, Kara-ya,” I greet her and she just looks at me and smiles, not very sincerely. Then she immediately walks off. “Kara-ya,” I call her again, loud and she turns her back to look at me and her eyes don’t give a good feeling.

She didn’t say anything and I bravely walk to her. She steps back a bit and doesn’t look at me. “How’s college?” I ask her randomly.

“Yeah, so-so,” fortunately, she wants to answer it. “I have to go,” she says and leaves me.

“Okay,” see, that was happening.

Maybe I have to let her go. I think what Wooyoung said is right, just let her go and he said, “You got girls waiting for you,” I just chuckled at that. He said that to me at the party after I came back from looking for Kara.

And the situation from the party came again in my mind, but this time is not about Kara.

“Hey,” she said. I turned my back and saw the girl that I had texted in high school. Her name is Minyoung. I just smiled at her. “Standing alone?” she asked once again, then I saw my surroundings, my friends were leaving me. Good plan.

“Yeah, I think so,” I said and then we went into long conversations. For a minutes though I didn’t think about Kara and all, but unfortunately Minyoung reminded me about her.

“How’s Kara?” she asked. I was flustered and calmed my heart down to answer this question based on reality happened.

“Oh you see, not with me anymore,” I answered and chuckled, made sure to her that I was okay. Minyoung was a bit surprised to know the truth.

“Oh wow. What happened?” she asked and I pointed my glass to Kara and Lay stood around somewhere talking lovey-dovey to each other, I hated it… a bit. Minyoung’s eyes were looking at what I was pointing and she nodded herself. “I see. You don’t have someone new?” she changed the subject, afraid that I was still heartbroken.

“No, apparently not,” I answered it directly. Then we didn’t have anything to talk. “How about you?”

“With someone else,” she said and I nodded my head. “He’s a good person.”

“He must be,” I just responded that and we went into awkward silence again.

---

 

Nowadays I just got deep into studying and stuff. Making myself busy. My friends see this kind of thing sometimes disgusting, I just laugh at them. I take a part-time job, I play soccer with my high school friends, going to a community work, getting myself busy.

I’m adapting well with questions referring to Kara. I answer it well, so that’s why I don’t need people to pity me about her. Well, sometimes there is someone who pities me but I don’t care that enough.

And… my relationship with Kara… just like that. Reality happened.

Friends will say for me to go, find someone else, start a new relationship. But I don’t feel like that for now. I want to enjoy my singleness, as well as seeing Kara with the other guy. It’s strange and stupid for me to keep looking at their picture together. Holding hands, laughing together, they are doing a lot of fun things rather than Kara did with me. But I smile if she smiles. I guess… I still love her after all.

If they broke up and Kara texted me, talked to me normally again, I would make sure that I will not let go of her again. My pain is too much to be felt and I don’t want to feel the same pain again involving her in my life.