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Snowangels

by Katakatica

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review by celestial-xx-kisses

title: >( 8 )<

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Not a bad name, but “snow angels” would be two words. It seems to tie relatively well with the first couple of chapters, with Junmyeon’s family being found in the snow and all, but afterwards seems a bit useless. Not much after the third chapter connects with the name, but it’s alright.

In this use of “angels”, I’m not sure if you’re referring to the child-like natures of the pups, or the gentle beauty of Junmyeon that Kris describes, or something else. But in the best case, it refers to all!

The title isn’t extraordinarily original, but I can’t take off any points for uncreativity- it’s not actually cliche, and definitely took some thought.

description/foreword: >( 8 )<

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description:

It’s interesting enough to hook a reader, but has some errors:

Snow covered their grounds, and their preys grew thinner, their numbers scarce.

In the case of the word “prey,” the plural form is also “prey”. There is no need to add an extra ‘s’ to the end of the word. Other examples of plural/singular nouns include

“sheep”, “moose”, and “fish”.

You would never say “there were five sheeps”, and likewise, you would not say  “their preys”.

Yifan was worried for his pack: already, they were all thinner and weaker, unfit for such a life.

I was a bit confused -- if they’re “unfit for such a life”, how could they have survived in the years past? I think what you were trying to say was that: the pack was starving from the lack of food, and Yifan was worried.

If my assumption is correct, then a better sentence could be:

“Yifan was worried for his pack: already, they were thinner and weaker, starving from the lack of food.”

And yet, the alpha knew well that they would survive through it all:

For they had each other, and only that mattered.

Once a colon is used, the next sentence does not need a capitalized first letter. The ‘f’ in “for” should not be capitalized. The only exception to this would be when you have dialogue or quotes right after the colon. You’d need quotation marks, and of course, capitalization.

Also, the colon works as a conjunction, meaning that the “for” is not necessary.

It should be (slight edits in italics):

“And yet, the alpha knew well that they would survive through it all: they had each other, and that was all that mattered.”

foreword:

Decent opening, with enough exposition to showcase the world, but not too much that you drown the reader with millions of details.

Minor edits:

"Oh you.." the alpha chuckled to himself, picking the pup up by his scruff.

“Scruff” cannot be used as a noun by itself, as the “scruff of his neck” is the complete term. It should be:

“the alpha chuckled to himself, picking the pup up by the scruff of his neck.”

"Alpha alpha, I found something!"

There is a pause after the first “Alpha!” speech-wise, so there should be a comma after it.

Yipped Sehun quietly,

In this situation, you have two choices.

1. You uncapitalize the ‘y’ in “yipped”, and leave the verb before the subject.

“yipped Sehun quietly”

2) You switch the verb and the subject.

“Sehun yipped quietly”.

:D

. Two of his own kind: one merely a pup and an older one, lay curled up under the snow motionlessly.

‘Lay’ should become ‘laid’. You have written everything up to here in past tense, and have to keep the story in a consistent tense.

plot/originality: >( 6 )<

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In the exo fandom, A/B/O or Alpha/Beta/Omega stories have been done to death. On almost every page of AFF, you’ll be able to find one. Many times, a dominant character is the “Alpha”, and finds a helpless “Omega” to fall in love with him.

Without your great writing, I would have completely given 0/10 for this score.

But, you managed to make a decent story with at least some plot twists, and with subtle foreshadowing. It’s good!

The only thing that bothered me a bit was the way the characters were introduced. Other than the characters in Yifan’s pack, they all seemed to  be “found”. Junmyeon, Zitao, and Luhan were found; Jongin and Yixing were found; as was Kyungsoo. There wasn’t enough variation in the situations where the pack discovered them, and I started feeling as if it had gotten repetitive.

On a totally different note, your foreshadowing with Chanyeol is great. I really want Baekyeol to stay together… But I also want to see what you could do if you broke them up.

I’m a masochist. ;-;

characterization: >( 8 )<

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Definitely the highlight of your story. Your characters were very consistent throughout the story, and made decisions that ran along with the characteristics that you put. I loved the way you characterized Luhan and Sehun-- those two were my favorites. Jongin’s character was also very cute to read, and papa!Yixing made me very happy to see.

You didn’t dump a million traits, you kept it to a couple and explained those in detail. That’s great, but there wasn’t too much “growth” in the traits. Also-- Chanyeol’s character went practically under-developed until the last two chapters. Try shaping him a bit more.

Minseok is seriously underrated: you made great use of him here.

I liked the Baekyeol way more than I should have.

(>( +1 )< just because of this:

"Yes. We... hunted..together. Yeah." Baekhyun muttered."It was...good. Hunting was, I mean."

i squeaaaaaaled)

seriously good god this isn’t even a major ship of mine.

:3

spelling/grammar: >( 8 )<

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It was mostly pretty good, with the occasional minor typo. There were actually quite a few typos, and I suggest reading it through one last time while copy-pasting into the AFF editor.

It’s a pain, but it makes a difference, I promise!

A small thing I noticed: After an ellipsis (...), you need to start the next sentence with a capitalized letter.

wrong:

"We all move a lot... cause our papa doesn't like us."

right :

"We all move a lot... ‘*Cause our papa doesn't like us."

*Note: “‘Cause” needs an apostrophe because it’s being used in place of the word “because”, rather than being a verb. The apostrophe shows that it’s being used as a shortened form of “because”.

writing style: >( 8 )<

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There was nothing wrong with your writing style. It flowed well, and told the story in an effective way.

The only reason you didn’t get ten points was because while it’s a very solid writing style… It’s not a terribly special writing style.

But I have to admit-- this is the same writing style as me, if not better. :D

You’re a great writer, keep it up!

overall enjoyment: >( 8 )<

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This story was absolutely adorable, and the characters were great.

Your writing is great, and I actually really enjoyed it!

The plot was interesting, and kept me reading. I finished all 27 chapters in one day.

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final score: <(55/70)>

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reviewer’s note: wow, what a surprise-- I’m so happy I get to hand out yet another high score. It really doesn’t seem that way, but your story is very good, and I enjoyed it a lot! Thank you for requesting at my shop, hope to see you again!