vi.

Oblivious
You're with him again
Am I just a replacement?
I guess I am now

Tucking his hands in the open pockets of his jeans, he scans the sides – from right to left, hoping to see that the tuft of the all-too-familiar brown hair that the younger one has. He scans the rushing crowd, letting them pass by him without any second glance as his eyes try to search the younger male but to no avail. Chewing on the flesh of his lower lip, he steals a glance at the watch wrapped and press around his thin wrist, ticking off the fact that it’s been two hours since the time they have agreed to meet upon on.

A frown descends on his face as he takes out his phone, fingers hovering over the screen as his wallpaper stares back at him. His hardened expression softens all at once at the sight of the younger male staring back at him with a bright smile painted on his lips.

Seriously, what are you doing to me?

He mentally asks, half-hoping that his message would be able to get passed on by the fast-flowing wind.

He struggles in between the decision of calling and texting him, asking him where he is or just wait another 30 minutes. He bites down on his plump lower lip once more before letting an exhausted sigh slip past his lips, tucking his phone back in his pocket.

30 minutes isn’t a long time, right?

•••

10:15 P.M.

Jongin comes rushing past the guards, who simply their eyebrows at the sight of Jongin and lets him through without any problem. He wraps his scarf tighter around his neck as the night breeze swooshes past him - goosebumps were practically forming on his arms right now.

He says a silent prayer that Sehun is inside the dorm right now, even if he didn't come a while ago whilst making Jongin wait an hour and a half for his presence to appear before his eyesight.

He rushes up the stairs to the third floor, feet hitting against the cement as his fingers wrap themselves tighter around the railing beside it. His breath is coming out in small puffs as his body reacts to the cold wind hitting against his skin - his whole body is shivering in cold blanket of air.

Finally arriving in front of the wooden brown door, he jams the keys inside the lock, turning it as fast as he could to unlock it. With a satisfied sound of the lock opening, he slams the door open, only to feel his heart drop to his stomach when he doesn't see the lanky tall male sitting by the couch. He goes inside, his breath increasing in panic as he slams each door in their dorm open, only to see the emptiness floating inside it.

He hears another patter of feet outside and he instinctively turns around, hoping it would be Sehun but instead, he faces Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and Chanyeol, worry filling up on their faces.

"Have you seen Sehun?" Kyungsoo shoots a quick glance at Jongin's worry-stricken face and chews on the flesh of his lower lip. Baekhyun sneaks a worried glance at Chanyeol, who remains frozen with worry and fear. Jongin takes note of their lack of response, which made his body shiver with fright and worry.

"Where the is-"

"He said he'll be home soon." Chanyeol quickly butts in, body cringing slightly at his own high-pitched voice. Jongin opens his mouth, ready to throw another question when his ears pick up the fast resounding footsteps hitting the floor.

The footsteps halt for a second and Jongin could feel his breath getting knocked out of his lungs. Sehun stands there, knees almost giving way to the floor, considering the fact that his pale finger are wrapped  around the small table standing beside the couch. His eyes are bloodshot - enough evidence that his eyes were producing tears before he got here.

"Sehun," Jongin's voice comes out a soft whisper and Sehun shoots him a deadpan glance, eyes filled with nothing - not even a single emotion flying in his eyes.

"Go away." Jongin can't help but cringe when he hears the sudden bite contained in Sehun's voice. Sehun remains oblivious once again as he moves towards their room, barely acknowledging the rest of the people crowding the living room. Jongin trails behind him, his hand almost nearing Sehun's bony shoulder but he feels Kyungsoo pulling him back, a look that resembles some sort of warning passes his face as he shakes his head.

But no, Jongin is stubborn – his best friend is terribly upset and no matter how many boundaries there are stretched between them, Jongin will break through them, even if he has to hurt himself along the way. He shakes his head, pulling away from Kyungsoo's grasp before he hurries towards their room - his heart pounding from all the craziness and the blood flowing through his veins.

He pushes the door open, almost stumbling over his own feet before he catches sight of Sehun, whose head is bent down and tears are streaming down his pale yet beautiful face. Jongin can't help but feel weak to his knees and no, it's not time to marvel over Sehun's beauty, even if droplets of water falls gently from his eyes as he drags his feet towards the shaking male on the bed. He didn't say anything, just deciding to lets his arms slip around the other male's lithe waist, gently pulling him close to his chest.

Their breathing is both uneven - the other blames it on his sadness and the other blames it on the slightly happiness he feels when he holds the male close to him. It seems like Sehun's vulnerable position is enough – it's enough for Jongin to reach out to him, to forgive him with his unintentional ditching, just to accompany Luhan. Sometimes, he wishes he wasn't so soft-hearted when it comes to Oh Sehun.

"He said he hates me," Sehun breathes out after a few stretches of silence between them and those words tug silently at his heartstrings, feeling rather disheartened because Sehun is crying over someone who broke him apart. Someone who exposed his vulnerability and sensitivity by using his words as arrows to send straight through Sehun's chest.

Jongin easily figures that they're having another argument and his heart drops to his stomach and the dizziness is getting to him but he stays firm – he stays firm with comforting Sehun. If this is the only way he could get close with the younger, he'll stay then.

•••

The next day, Jongin catches sight of Sehun and Luhan together with grins painted on their faces, He doesn't say anything about the whole situation.

viii.
Avert
Stop turning away
From me - tell me everything
Tell me what I did

"Sehun," Jongin's voice is breaking apart and god, he doesn't really care if he sounds anywhere near desperation and sadness because he is way past those two stages. But no matter how many times he runs after the younger, those pale hands of his, paired up with so much coldness streaking in his eyes, pushes him away. Away until Sehun manages to drive him back to the line of boundary. But Jongin is absurdly stubborn – he overtakes the line and tries to pull the younger into his arms, trying to let those feelings reach him but no, no, just-

No. Sehun's eyes are boring right through him but he doesn't let this affect him.

Please. Jongin responds with touches but Sehun pushes him away.

Jongin, no.

Don't ignore me. He's begging now, begging and begging until his knees hit the floor and his tears are streaming down his face.

There's no response.

Sehun has left him.

Jongin hopes it's not the last time.

•••

"You need to give up on him." Kyungsoo begs, grabbing hold of Jongin's hands in his but Jongin shakes his head heart-brokenly as he slides his hands out of Kyungsoo's warmth. 

"You're hurting," Chanyeol speaks quietly from his side, his lips that are supposedly turned upwards is twisted upside down until it resembles a frown as he steals a glance at the tanned male. Jongin shakes his head once more, too stubborn, just like Sehun.

"Stop acting like a martyr, Jongin. It will get you nowhere." Baekhyun scoffs, as he let out a huff filled with disbelief and anger before he drills his piercing gaze on Jongin's skin. Jongin doesn't give any reaction as he digs his nails on the skin of his palm, the redness is starting to appear and it hurts like hell. But it's nothing compared to the multiple bruises that Sehun has thrown to his heart repeatedly for the past years.

"I love him."

"But you're not happy."

"His happiness is more important than mine." Jongin utters softly as he stands up from his chair, the wood scraping against the concrete floor. He turns his back on the advices for him to give up - how can he even try doing that? He'll feel really incomplete if Sehun is not going to take up the vacant space in his heart that he is reserving for the younger male.

He loves Sehun and he won't stop. Even if he has to sacrifice his happiness and nurse his bruised heart for a lifetime.

ix.
Obscure
Everything's a blur
I don't really understand
What did just happen?

"We need to talk, Sehun." Both of them are exhausted over this silent fight but one of them is trying to prolong it as much as he can, hoping he can sort out his problems and feelings but no, he can't. He can't do that when the other is trying to pull him backwards and mess him up - messing up his mind and his feelings. No, he doesn't want to have feelings for the older male because it will make everything rather complicated. He wants to stay committed to Luhan, even if he knows Luhan can sometimes sneak off behind his back, thinking he will never be caught with his malicious acts but Sehun knows. That's the very root of their arguments nowadays and Sehun is hurting - hurting so much because he's pushing people out of his life and that includes Jongin too.

"Go away."

"Sehun, please." 

"Go away." 

Go away before another fight erupts between us. Go away before I tell you that you're starting to become irrelevant to me, which is far from the truth. Go away before we end up hurting even more.

He wants to utter those words but Jongin is pulling him, forcing him to shut his mouth and listen intently to Jongin's side but no, he knows every detail of Jongin's feelings, even after their fight. Baekhyun, one of Jongin's closest friends, had burst into his room while Jongin was out and he broke down right in front of Sehun, begging for him to stay out of Jongin's life because Jongin is hurting too much. He's so tired of seeing the tears on Jongin's face every day and he wants to bring back the old Jongin - the Jongin that charmed everyone with his words and actions. The Jongin before he met Sehun, who broke him to pieces.

Baekhyun is never one to break down, considering he holds on his pride, as if he values it like an accessory that is needed to complete an outfit. Seeing him throw away his pride like that and beg Sehun to stay out of Jongin's life is rather peculiar and heart-broken, slapping Sehun right on the face that maybe he's really ruining every chance or opportunity that Jongin can get, in order to turn his life 180 degrees.

Maybe he really is a destruction to Jongin's life.

"Sehun, we need to fix this."

"We don't need to fix anything, Jongin and you know that." He can hear how Jongin's breath hitches and it hurts. All Sehun wants is to push him away until they forget about each other's existence but that won't happen since Jongin is as stubborn as he is. He might need a few more painful words to drive him away, back to the line of boundary.

"Will you stop being stubborn?! Why don't you want to fix this mess?!"

"BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO BE FIXED, JONGIN. CAN'T YOU SEE HOW BROKEN IT IS ALREADY?!" Sehun screams, feeling the final string break inside of him as his chest heaves upwards then downwards, trying to catch his breath. Jongin's jaw clenches and he shakes his head, inching closer to Sehun with shaky hands and tears b his eyes.

"Sehun, stop lying to me."

"Fine! You want me to tell you the truth? I'll tell you the truth then," Sehun can feel the anger surging through hsi chest but he halts, feeling his stomach churn as the sadness start to flow through his veins and he thinks maybe this isn't right. Maybe it isn't right to push Jongin away. But Jongin will just keep on hurting if they stay like this - no matter what happens, Jongin is just a rebound and nothing else.

"You're a ing rebound. You're irrelevant in my life now, Jongin. No matter what you do, it won't affect me in any way so please, just get the out of my life while I'm asking politely." Sehun breathes out and he's astonished over the fact that his voice didn't break or shake but he wants to take those words back, force them to climb back to his lips then back down his throat and never to be emitted again.

He sees the disbelief and hurt running through Jongin's soulless brown orbs and god, it hurts. Jongin always had his back when the whole world had beaten him up and he has no one else to turn to. Jongin is like his other half - he won't be complete without his best friend.

But Jongin can – he can be a complete masterpiece without Sehun's validation. He's a complete masterpiece even before he met Sehun and Sehun is like an addition, something he can throw away when people get bored of looking at the newly added piece that shouldn't be there at all. He wants that to be reached out to Jongin but right now, he lets Jongin run away from him. Away from the hurt and grief he has caused because of his bloody words that pierced right through Jongin's scars and tore them open.

Sehun thinks it's for Jongin's good, nevertheless.

x.
Inane
Why do you keep on
Going back to him when all
He does is hurt you?

It feel like it was centuries ago when Sehun had emitted those words to him with so much anger and disappointment lacing around it. He's never been in so much pain and god, he feels like he's a disappointment to everyone's lives right now. 

Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me.
Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. 
Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. Sehun hates me. 

Those words wrap themselves around Jongin's mind, draining out the life out of Kim Jongin. It seems nearly impossible to turn back to his old life - the life filled with no worries and so much happiness before he met Sehun. Everyone thinks Sehun is a destruction in Jongin's life but no, not at all - he's actually the first one to slap him awake and show to him that the world isn't filled with happiness only. Disappointment after disappointment crashed onto his life after meeting Sehun but he's eternally grateful because he's damaged and yet, functioning and breathing and realizing that life doesn't revolve around the fun and happiness that life can offer you. If it did, those things will fade away easily and he won't be able to grasp the true meaning of happiness in his life.

All he needs to do now is to force himself to lay his happiness on himself and not on Sehun. His happiness must come first but he can't do it – Sehun comes crawling back to his mind and he thinks that when Sehun vanishes from his life, he won't have anyone to show him the reality. He still has a lot to learn from Sehun.

He tries to pull himself together when he heard someone knocking on the door. He rises up from his position in the bed, staggering towards the door with feet made of lead and tears drying up on his face. His hand makes contact with the gold doorknob and he feels his hands shaking in fright as he swings it open, only to stumble backwards when another body hits his torso. 

He almost screams, if not for the pair of lips crashing against his own and a pair of lanky arms wrapping themselves around his waist. It never hurts this much to kiss Oh Sehun but there he was, backing away until he hits the bed, falling on his back as Sehun hovers him and attacks his lips hungrily and god, he can feel the desperation and sadness through the kiss. He remains unresponsive until Sehun becomes frustrated with the lack of action as he pulls away, eyes unfocused and hands desperately trying to remove Jongin's shirt by tugging on it repeatedly.

"Sehun, stop. Please." He begs as he grabs hold of Sehun's wrists and he can feel the wetness dripping down his shirt, not even bothering to question him as he pulls him close, his hair in a soothing manner. Sehun screams in pain and throws a punch across his chest, whimpering and weakening as he lets out another muffled cry. Each tears is like a stab sent straight to Jongin's heart without any hesitation and it hurts twice to see Sehun helpless and in so much pain.

"I hate him," Sehun breathes out, breaking apart into pieces and Jongin is desperately trying to fit those pieces together to rebuild Sehun once again. "I hate him so much. Why is he like this to me?"

Why are you like this to me?

Jongin wants to whimper and just push the younger male away from him, trying to form a shield in front of his heart but his soft-heartedness is getting to him. He really wishes he can place his hands on Sehun’s chest and just push him away, remind him that he's overstepping the boundary line but no.

He just can't do it.

Sehun continues to sob painfully, and god, it's breaking Jongin inside. His scars tear open and he can feel the hurt and pain flowing right inside his veins. Why can't he just ignore Sehun? Sehun makes it look so easy after their fight but now, it seems like Jongin's heart would always soften when it comes to Sehun's intentions. Even if he leaves him and comes back years later, he'll still welcome home with wide arms and a smile plastered on his lips.

"He always hurts me," Sehun whispers once he has calmed down, taking sanctuary in Jongin's arms as he looks his arms around Jongin's neck, head placed against the chest of the other. Jongin lets his fingers sift through Sehun's brown locks, brushing his lips over the top of his head, trying to hold back his own pained cries. No, he doesn't want to show his weak side to Sehun's line of vision today.

Even just this time.

His mouth is kept shut, not trusting his words but those words are dying to fall from his lips and flow through Sehun's ears, to slap Sehun awake to the reality that Luhan is breaking him apart.

That Luhan is not the one for him.

"Sehun," He halts, trying to control the shakiness of his own figure and his voice, hoping it won't leave any hints that he's currently wanting to fall into the arms of death so he won't feel this kind of pain anymore.

"You need to stop."

Sehun is rendered speechless as he raises his head from his former position against Jongin's chest. They hold an eye contact and so, so, so many emotions travel through their eyes, considering that eyes really are windows to the soul, especially to the broken. But Jongin wants to shut his eyes to avoid looking at that one evident emotion staying in Sehun's eyes that can be easily distinguished from the blur of other emotions he's feeling.

Anger.

"Stop what?" Sehun's voice is starting to shake and Jongin breaks the eye contact unwillingly whilst chewing on the flesh of his lower lip to avoid any words slipping out by accident. He doesn't really want to add fuel to the fire that Sehun is feeling right now.

"Stop loving Luhan? Is that what you mean?" Jongin can tell that Sehun is beyond furious with that sole kind of suggestion as he narrows his eyes into a sharp glare, fingers digging onto his palm as it turns red with pain and anger. Jongin is shaking so badly under Sehun's glare and god, he wants to just look away but remains frozen with fear with words still left to be said.

"I didn't mean it like that-"

", stop lying, Jongin. You want me to break up with Luhan because you think I'll fall for you?" 

Sehun usually speaks nonsense when he's in a state of anger but those words emitted just drilled straight through Jongin's chest, splitting it open and the pain is intense, bringing even more agony as each second passes. Sobs are begging to erupt from his mouth due to the pain he’s feeling but surprisingly, he manages to swallow it down as his body shakes uncontrollably.

“Do you want to hear the truth then?! Fine!” Jongin screams, pushing Sehun off of him as the younger lands on the floor with a dull thud with confusion dawning on his expression. Jongin just wants to get everything out – just this once. He wants to be the one who’s going to shake Sehun up and slap him back to the reality that even though you love something, it doesn’t necessarily that it will bring you happiness immediately.

Even if it’s going to be a one-time thing for today.

“Yes, I do want you to break up with Luhan because I want you to look at me – to really look at me and consider the fact that I have fallen hard for you,” Jongin shuts his eyes and feels some sort of relief flowing through his blood but he’s not done yet.

“But I realized how selfish that wish was. I want you to earn your happiness in a natural way and not by forcing you to love me, just because you happened to break up with Luhan.

“But Luhan… I don’t think he’s the right person for you, Sehun. He’s hurting you every single time and yet, you still run after him.”

“But aren’t you in the same situation as me?” Sehun states quietly and Jongin’s breath gets stuck in his throat, forcing the next words to die down and disappear.

Sehun is right – they’re in the same situation, only this time, Jongin is the one who’s running after Sehun. He stills allows the younger male to break him down, to tear him open and ruin him in the most beautiful and destructive way he could: by making Jongin fall so hard for his whole being.

If Jongin is given the chance, he wouldn’t choose to fall for Sehun at all but no matter how much he denies it, there’s those tiny parts inside of him that actually treasured the fact that he has fallen for Oh Sehun.

He breathes in the suffocating air around them but still, his lungs are crawling at his chest, straining to get more and more oxygen, as if he’s always breathless. Sehun has his head bent down and cheeks flushed as he sits in front of Jongin with his palms placed flat on the floor.

“We’re in the same situation, Jongin. I actually expected that you’re the one who’s going to understand how much pain I’m going through.” Sehun heaves out a shaky sigh, fingers finding their way to his thighs as he digs his nails on the rough material of his jeans whilst worrying his lower lip between his teeth. Jongin wants to fight back – to state a different kind of argument but he’s rendered speechless, realizing how much of their circumstances match.

He always sees Sehun’s idiocy to run back to Luhan’s arms, when it’s obvious that the older has his eyes on others, not permanently staying on Sehun’s being. He fails to grasp his own stupidity that it’s the same for him – Sehun runs back to his arms whenever he encounters a problem involving Luhan and god, he thinks he’s even more foolish because he even allows Sehun to destroy him completely before Sehun runs back to his beloved.

“We’re not so different then,” Sehun whispers as he glances at Jongin with a broken smile playing on his lips. His hands wrap around Jongin’s shoulders and before they know it, they’re both crying out their pains to each other. Jongin is clutching onto Sehun’s shirt, tears streaming down his eyes and hitting the material of Sehun’s shirt softly. Sehun is silently letting his tears fall because of everything – ranging from his own foolishness up to breaking Jongin repeatedly.

They cry over the wrong situations and over the wrong people.

xi.
Ludicrous
I will wait for you
Even if all the seasons
Stop in a heartbeat

Sehun’s smiling so brightly beside Luhan as their fingers lace together. Jongin stays behind, trying to let Sehun experience his own contentment and happiness as he, himself tries to turn his whole life 180 degrees. He’s trying to crawl back to his life that used to bring him so much pleasure and when he used to think that he won’t carry any of the burdens of the world. Back to the life when he was carefree and definitely not broken.

But he can only pretend for now.

Baekhyun is probably the only one who sees through his thin line of invisibility – behind those laughter and smiles he showcases to his friends and to his schoolmates. He cries into Baekhyun’s arms sometimes, heart still hurting and still badly bruising but he’s trying though. He’s trying to bandage the open wounds imprinted in his heart but still, blood gushes out of them, intensifying the pain even more than before.

He’s trying to discover his own happiness but he finds himself trapped in the past whenever Sehun runs back to his arms, fresh tears streaming down his face and incoherent words falling from his thin pair. And god, Jongin falls all over – welcoming Sehun into his arms and giving him the signal to destroy him again.

Sehun tears his wounds again and the bandages fall off once more, the fresh blood gushing out freely. But this time, Jongin doesn’t mind.

He doesn’t mind if Sehun has to destroy him to get his happiness again. He doesn’t mind if his happiness gets drained out of him while Sehun runs off yet again to Luhan’s arms. It’s like Jongin is his temporary savior – when Sehun is done, he can throw him away.

Sometimes, Jongin thinks if this is even worth it. If it’s worth it to keep on destroying himself, just to bring happiness to Sehun.

But this is Sehun – the only person he’ll ever love so ing hard. The only one he’ll ever be soft-hearted for. And the only one whom he’s willing to sacrifice his happiness for.

If destroying himself means that Sehun will continue to stay in his life then he’ll take his chances.

Because who knows, maybe Sehun is really worth the risk after all.

Word count for part ii: 4679