I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.

Hot droplets of water dripped down my back as I tried to stifle the sobs that ripped through me. With one hand clamped tight over my mouth, I used the other to turn off the shower and quickly turn up the music so my tears weren't heard by the rest of f(x).

Why was I born this way why was I born this way why was I born this way.

I stared into the full length mirror hanging on the bathroom door, my eyes filled with disgust. I stared at the horribly feminine body I possessed. I stared until I couldn't take it anymore. Grabbing the nearest object around me, which happened to be a hairbrush, I drew my arm back and struck the mirror until it crakced and shattered, sharp glass littered around my feet.

I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die.

My knees weakened and I fell with a thud to the floor, cuting my leg on a cool shard. Not that I noticed, anyway. I reached for the same shard, and as I was about to place it to my wrist, a loud knock came from the door.

“Amber? Are you done yet?” Krystal's voice came from the other side, and I hurridly stood up and started to clean up the broken glass. Tears still blurred my vision, so quickly picking up sharp glass caused me to cut my hands a few times. Nothing major, though. As I threw the remaining away, her voice rung through the bathroom again.

“Amber? You okay? The others aren't here, do you want to watch a movie or something? They won't be back for a while.” Tears pricked in my eyes once again as I threw on some clothes, making sure the chest binder made my chest completely flat. My hair had already begun to dry, so I left that alone.

“Amber...?” She sounded worried.

“Uh, hold on, I'm nearly finished.” I called back, trying to make sure my voice didn't quiver. I roughly wiped away the tears on my cheeks and in my eyes, and opened the door. Walking through the hallway towards the living room, I made sure there was no evidence of my shower crying session.

Why am I a girl why am I a girl I'm not a girl I'm not a girl.

“What movie do you want to watch? I'm thinking a Disney film. How about Lady and the Tramp? Come here, come cuddle.” Krystal sat up and opened her arms, which I immediately entered. We parted for a moment so she could rest her head on my lap. I unconciously ran my fingers through her hair as she pressed play on the tv remote.

“You're being very quiet, Amber. Are you sure you're okay?” Krystal turned her head to face mine and I nodded.

“I'm fine, honestly.”

“You sure? What was that loud crash in the bathroom? Your music was so loud I barely heard it.”

“Um, I accidentally broke the mirror.”

“How did you manage that? Is that what those cuts on your hands are from?”

“I brushed past it and it fell off the door. I disposed of them, carelessly though, as you can tell.”

“Oh, okay.”

The film was halfway finished, and I felt the tears again. I tried to swallow them back down, trying not to show Krystal my feelings, without much success. Krystal's head was barely on my lap anymore, so I carefully moved her and stood up, running to the bathroom quitely so she didn't wake up.

I'm a boy I'm a boy I'm a boy I'm a boy.

Crouching in the corner of the bathroom with a towel buried into my face to try and muffle the sobs, my mind raced with thoughts of hate.

You'll never be a boy you'll never be a boy you'll never be a boy.

Minutes passed and I was still in the same crouching position.

She'll never accept you she only likes girls she'll break up with you she'll break up with you.

Minutes turned to hours and I had moved out of the crouching position, but I hadn't stopped crying.

You're such a girl you're such a girl you're such a girl you're such a girl.

I didn't know exactly when she came in, but as soon as I had regained my thoughts, I was in Krystal's embrace on the bathroom floor, her arms wrapped tightly around me as I sobbed onto her white shirt, causing a patch in her shoulder to become clear. I heard her whisper sweet nothings into my ear but I couldn't quite catch what she was saying. My mind was too busy hating me.

“Baby, I knew you weren't okay.” Krystal broke the silence as we both lied together on the double bed in our room, my arm around her waist whilst her thumb carressed my cheek. Tears were still glistening in my eyes, and I could see the same in Krystal.

“It's nothing.” My voice cracked as I whispered back.

“Please tell me what's wrong.” Her whispers were full of pain and I felt guilty for being the one to have caused them.

She hates you she hates you she doesn't care she only likes girls you aren't a girl.

“Nothing.” My voice got quieter as I drifted slowly off to sleep.

“I think...I think I'm a boy...” My voice shook as I spoke those words. Next thing I knew, I was being slapped across the face by an angry looking Krystal.

“You aren't a boy! You'll never be a boy! You're a girl! I only date girls!” Krystal spat, and the pain in my gut increased.

“No, please don't leave me...no...no please, NO.” I felt the world swirl around me, and I only heard one voice echo throughout the now empty room.

You're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl you're a girl .

It suddenly felt like I was falling, but it was only me coming back to reality.

I woke up to an empty bed. I shivered as I felt a breeze sweep over my torso, and I noticed that my clothes had been taken off during the night. I sat up, covering my chest with my arms due to the cold whilst I looked around for my shirt, but instead I found a small note on the bedside table written in Krystal's fancy english handwriting.

I just went to the shops to pick up some things. Your clothes are in your wardrobe, you were sweating in your sleep. I think you had a nightmare. Anyways, I'll be back soon. The others are in the living room. They missed you yesterday. Hope you're okay, baby :) - Krystal

I smiled at the small act of kindness before I remembered what I thought about yesterday.

She obviously only likes you for your female body you girl you girl you girl you girl.

I got up, wincing at the cut on my leg. It was deeper than I thought, but I shrugged it off and got dressed, spending five minutes choosing a shirt.

This one? Too girly.

This one? Your s are visible.

This one? Would a boy really wear that?

This one? You look like a girl.

This one? You look like a girl.

This one? You look like a girl.

This one? You look like a girl.

This one? You look like a girl.

Ignoring my thoughts, I finally chose a shirt and threw on a black beanie to hide the dishevelled bed hair I sported. I made my way to the living room, where the others were watching TV whilst laughing at something. They saw me walk in and smiled.

“Hyung!” Sulli called from the other side of the room. I grinned. I do love it when she calls me that.

“Amber! We missed you yesterday! Come join, come join!” Sitting between Luna and Victoria, I was immediately greeted by the hugs of the three girls.

“How have you been?” asked Victoria. I felt bad for lying, but I'd been doing it a lot recently.

“I've been okay. Krystal and I watched a film yesterday, that was pretty much it.” I left out the whole mental breakdown thing.

“She went out to buy cupcakes for us all, I don't know why, but I'm excited.”

“THIS CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING. CUPCAKE PARTY.”

“Did somebody say...” Krystal strolled into the living room and lifted the boxes of cupcakes she was holding in the air. “...CUPCAKES?” Everyone quickly ran towards her and grabbed a cupcake before she could even set them down on the table. Before I could reach for one, I felt myself being dragged away by her towards our shared room. Once we got there, she locked the door and I sat on the bed, feeling a weight next to me as she sat next to me, her hand gripping mine tightly.

“Amber...” Krystal started, tears forming in her eyes.

“I'm sorry about yesterday, I ju-”

“Don't apologise. It wasn't your fault. We can't hide sadness forever, you know.”

“I-”

“Please tell me what's going on. You know I love you, you know I'll always be here for you. Just tell me, I can help, whatever it is. Baby, please.” Krystal placed a soft kiss on my cheek and I took a deep breath. I thought I might as well tell her now.

“What would you do,” I watched her hopeful eyes, “...if your beloved girlfriend...was actually a boy?” Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I looked back at Krystal, expecting to see her with some sort of disgusted look. But her expression hadn't changed.

“What do you mean?” Her voice was soft.

“I-for as long as I can remember, I knew I was different. I mean, I've been a tomboy nearly my whole life. But it doesn't feel like it did anymore. I'm not a girl. I never was. I was just...born in the wrong body.”

“Why didn't you tell me earlier?” I felt her soft fingers brush away my tears.

“Because I thought you wouldn't want to be with me anymore. I mean, you're gay. You like girls. You fell in love with me for my body, for the fact I had a female body. But I'm not a girl.”

“Hey...I don't love girls. I love you.” I collasped into her arms, sobbing against her bare shoulder.

“I love you I love you I love you I really love you.” I couldn't control the feelings I felt. It was a mixture of nerves, relief, happiness and sadness.

“Now, I refuse to call you Amber anymore. I can't do that. What name shall I call you?”

“Uhm...Aiden. Yeah, Aiden.” I smiled, wiping away my tears of joy with my shirt sleeve.

“Okay then, Aiden, my wonderful boyfriend. What's next on our to-do list?”

“Cupcake party?”

She nodded. “Cupcake party.”

(A/N) What even was this.