there’s a sense of familiarity in the way baekhyun curls up in his arms, tiny frame fitting so perfectly in his embrace and filling jongin’s chest with warmth and liquid luck. baekhyun is peacefully asleep and jongin is glad for the smaller surely would be able to hear his racing heart in the white silence of jongin’s messy living room, a constant uneven beating of lively drums. calloused fingers run through the soft dark hair of the napping beauty (affectionate nickname he’s given the boy since childhood) and jongin fondly recalls how baekhyun had always been one to fall asleep when upset. he vividly remembers their younger days together when baekhyun would throw the loudest fits jongin has ever heard, crying big crocodile tears before giving in to sleep, finally ceasing all the noise much to their parents’ pleasure. despite being younger by two years, jongin himself had always been the quieter child and it never failed to amuse their parents, the two of them growing up with constant comments over who really was older between the two.

stepping into adulthood and baekhyun hardly changed at all, and although he has thankfully given up on the fits, his trait of falling into slumber afterwards remains and jongin never fails to find it absolutely endearing. the sight of the older crying is never one the taller finds pleasure in, but baekhyun is just like that – he cries when he’s wronged and he cries when he’s upset, and jongin’s role in the situation is to listen to the other rant between sniffles before feeling the smaller’s body go limp in his arms, time in which jongin allows himself to appreciate every second of embracing baekhyun because he can never tell when the next opportunity will come.

jongin was fourteen when he first realised he had a crush on baekhyun. he was seventeen when he knew he was in love. but love plays tricks with the heart and jongin never held much hope, apart from daydreaming and fantasizing of baekhyun’s hand in his, for the older always treated him like a younger brother. he felt however betrayed, and profusely heartbroken, the day baekhyun started dating a boy the same age as his own.

that boy’s name was sehun and he was a science enthusiastic when jongin first met him, with big dreams of one day becoming a successful doctor. sehun was tall, shy and quiet – traits these that are much like jongin himself, and the latter finds himself wondering, had he not shared a childhood with baekhyun, if he could be in sehun’s place.

sehun was kind and fun once one would get to know him and jongin couldn’t help but accept their relation for he could hold no bitter grudge against someone who’s not to blame for shattered feelings, yet as their relation developed over the course of two years, there was an undeniable set of opposite opinions in between the couple that lead to irrelevant yet frequent fights. it was just like seen in movies, jongin would think to amuse himself, the same stereotypical situation of a couple who fights one day and is back together the next.

baekhyun stirs in his arms and jongin holds him a bit closer, suppressed sigh in the back of his throat as the younger presses a gentle kiss to the mop of black hair.

jongin figures that as long as he remains baekhyun’s definition of comfort, he shall remain content.

“and it angers me when people say two persons could fit on top of that door thing, because if you watch the movie, you can see jack tries to get in there and it tips.” baekhyun blabbered, brows slightly furrowed in concentration as slender fingers pulled at the grass in between his legs while the two sat in one of the open spaces at the local park. “so if jack and rose both lied on that thing, it would sink, so no, two people don’t fit there. god.”

jongin only hummed lightly in response, not due to disinterest but due to a state of absolute concentration in the very difficult task of sticking tiny yellow flowers in baekhyun’s hair without having them fall right after. the park was full of pretty little wild flowers around them, and jongin had always been a hundred percent certain baekhyun would look beautiful with a flower crown. sadly, jongin’s flower crown skills are rather dubious and quite non-existent at all, therefore he had to stick to adorning the older’s hair with randomly placed little flowers where he saw fit well.

“what are you doing?” the question came at last and there was amusement audible in baekhyun’s voice, head turning to glance at the artist of the moment – and thus causing two of the little flowers to fall over.

“working,” jongin replied, a growing smile on his own lips as he was quick to reach and put said flowers back in place. “on a masterpiece.”

“oh, wow. someone call vogue.” baekhyun laughed, pride visible in his eyes as his smile brightened. jongin wondered if baekhyun’s emotions were just this easily read, or if he knew the older a tad too well. “do i look pretty?”

and jongin chuckles because the question sounds so silly to his ears, answer easily slipping from his lips without a need for thought. “always.”

this time, from what jongin could figure out by baekhyun’s angry and probably slightly twisted ranting, sehun has been too busy studying to pay attention to him and baekhyun got whiny at him, causing sehun to ‘angrily burst out of nowhere like a goddamn bomb’ (which is baekhyun language for ‘talked back’, most likely), causing baekhyun to throw a scandal over the scene, leading to the current situation of the older angrily sinking in jongin’s couch, arms crossed tight over his chest and the most childish pout on his lips that looked exactly the same as ten years ago.

and jongin could count like easy math the steps of this cycle he names ‘baekhyun-esque recovery process’, in which after sulking the older decides to angrily eat everything he finds in jongin’s kitchen, followed by nestling up in his arms as he resumes his ranting – this time in a much calmer way in which he begins to rationalize more properly –, and finally giving in to sleep.

and no matter how many times baekhyun has done this, how many times jongin has heard him rant over his bumpy love life, he will always welcome baekhyun in his house with open arms.

“aaand so i told him i’d rather- i’d rather be locked in an iron maiden than go out with him.” baekhyun hiccupped, speech slurred by alcohol and jongin and sehun watched, much to their own amusement, as the older made up absolutely nonsense situations.

“yeah, and i think you’ve had enough of that, old man.” jongin raised a brow, small smile on his lips as he reached out to take the almost empty glass from baekhyun’s hand while sehun comfortingly rubbed his back. “your tolerance level never raises, does it?”

“excuse you,” baekhyun complains, leaning completely against sehun as he points a finger towards jongin – missing just by half a metre. “i can hold my liquor veeery well, mister. don’t i, sehun? tell him i do.”

“sorry,” sehun chuckles rather awkwardly so, hands moving on baekhyun’s arms to hold him up a bit better so he doesn’t have the older’s dead weight on him. “i’m gonna have to agree with jongin on this one.”

“sheesh.” baekhyun huffs, deciding to lean onto the table instead. “y’all sissies.”

sehun and jongin merely share a knowing, amused look, and the latter stands up to gather his and baekhyun’s jackets, putting an end to their night out given as baekhyun most likely couldn’t see straight anymore. “someone needs to go to bed.” he lightly hummed, smile playing on his lips as he leaned forwards. sehun took the cue to stand up as well, walking over to pay their drinks while jongin helped a protesting baekhyun to stand up.

the oldest complained for most of the time yet halfway back home, jongin found himself giving a piggyback ride to a very much asleep baekhyun while sehun walked by his side, an amused silence filling the air for baekhyun had been claiming the whole way he had enough energy to stay up for the following two nights.

it was a little awkward, jongin had to confess, to be – in a sense – alone with sehun like this. he can’t recall ever being with the taller boy without a conscious baekhyun around and yet, jongin could so easily tell sehun was nervous just the same that there was a mutual sympathy going on for each other.

“you’ve known baekhyun for quite a while, haven’t you?” sehun is the first to break the silence, small smile on his lips as he clears his throat softly and jongin can’t help but feel a sense of pride that sehun is aware of this.

“ever since i can remember.” jongin replied, fixing baekhyun up a little as the smaller stirred in his sleep. “our mothers worked together and baekhyun was an only child, so the moment i was born, they threw on me the task of being his friend.” there’s an audible smile in his voice and he glances at sehun at this, chuckling over his own words before looking back ahead. “we’ve been practically like brothers, so.. yeah.”

“i actually thought you were his older brother when i first met you.” sehun confessed, small smile adorning his own features. “since, well, you’re quite taller.”

“everyone thinks i’m older, that’s okay.” jongin laughs, having lost count of how many times he’s heard these words. “baekhyun has always been really tiny. he stopped  growing in like 6^th grade.”

there’s a mumbling along the lines of ‘it was 8^th grade, you bastard’ and the two of them glance at baekhyun whose brows are furrowed as if upset the two are talking, fingers curling on the fabric of jongin’s shirt some more as he buries his face against the taller’s back. jongin and sehun both share a highly amused gaze, and jongin has to bite his lower lip to avoid a snort while sehun covers his mouth with his hand.

“and this is the kind of crap i’ve put up with for twenty years of my life.” jongin comments then in between breathless chuckles, big smile on his lips as sehun laughs.

and he never fails to find it oddly endearing.

there comes a day when baekhyun doesn’t rant. he doesn’t cry and he doesn’t curl up in jongin’s arms anymore.

there comes a day when baekhyun is truthfully upset and jongin finds himself worried he and sehun might have broken up.

but baekhyun doesn’t speak, doesn’t utter a word. he merely sits in jongin’s couch and blankly stares at one of the living room’s dull walls, lost in thought he won’t allow jongin to know of. but the younger can see them, can see demons dancing in baekhyun’s eyes the way they used to back in high school and jongin felt like a fool for believing he’d never see those again.

there are unspoken words in baekhyun’s lips and the older looks wishful of pouring them on jongin yet he refrains from doing so, instead curling up more in that rusty safety wall he hasn’t used since they were teenagers. jongin himself feels a little rusty, a little helpless on the familiar yet distant situation but he does the best he’s at: sitting by his side and keeping him company.

because the worst thing anyone can do to baekhyun is to leave him alone.

“i want to be a good person.” baekhyun mutters at last after what felt like an eternity to jongin, breaking the heavy silence in between them as the younger turns his head to look at him. “i wish i was a good person.”

and he doesn’t say another word.

although baekhyun did eventually give in to sleep, he was clearly still upset when he woke up two hours later. jongin had stayed by his side the whole time and he didn’t ask any questions; he knew he shouldn’t, and he could see baekhyun was thankful for that. he could also see the older was clearly embarrassed and that’s when he decides he has to step in with an idea of his own, wishing more than anything to bring a smile back on baekhyun’s lips that day.

“let’s play a game.”

simple words that clearly catch baekhyun’s attention, a spark of interest in his brown eyes as he slowly turns to glance at the younger. jongin takes it as a victory and he stands back up, stretching his arms up in the air as he smiles at the older. “c’mon. you can choose.”

“i at all of your games.” baekhyun mumbles, glancing elsewhere in an attempt at showing disinterest yet jongin knows him far too well to know that when a challenge is brought up, baekhyun won’t turn it down even if the world is set on fire.

“and i at yours, so we are fair.” jongin hums playfully, walking over to his videogames shelf. “how about the racing one? mh? you totally enjoy bumping the other cars out of the way.”

he doesn’t offer baekhyun a chance of reply because he knows he stands corrected, hurrying over to set up his playstation3 while baekhyun watches him. perhaps it’s a little odd to not bring up the earlier situation again, yet jongin can sadly say he has been in this same situation enough times to know that when baekhyun truthfully is upset, the best thing is to not bring up the subject again.

if anything, and if he feels confident enough, baekhyun himself will tell him.

baekhyun truthfully does at this game and it’s obvious by the way he shamefully loses three consecutive times, ranking 7^th, 4^th and a miserable 11^th each time while jongin remains seated on 1^st place. although baekhyun is clearly into it by now, brows furrowed and tongue poking out in concentration, body hunched all over the playstation controller as he turns his body left and right according to his car’s direction, there was a building frustration visible in his features as well.

when baekhyun finally ranks 2^nd in their fourth round and jongin is at 3^rd place, there’s an outburst of joy and pride from the older as he laughs victoriously, arms thrown up in the air and a smile finally back on his lips.

as jongin watches him with adoring eyes, he keeps it as a secret that he lost on purpose.

“…oh.”

“yeah.”

baekhyun is biting his lower lip, holding back the most excited smile jongin has seen on him for the past few days. he’s looking up at jongin with hopeful, enthusiastic eyes, and he looks like the embodiment of a happiness bomb about to explode. jongin can only stare back at him and soon baekhyun can’t hold his excitement anymore, bursting into a whole blabbering scene of details yet jongin’s mind can’t register a word for his brain is still processing the older’s earlier words.

‘sehun asked me to marry him.. and i said yes.’

those words replayed over and over again in jongin’s head like a broken clock, imprinting themselves in angry ink in the back of jongin’s mind and he suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. sehun and baekhyun were more in love than any other couple jongin knew and that had been clear since day one – yet they were young, so young, that jongin couldn’t help but feel like a wave of overwhelming bitterness washed over him right away.

for that is still the boy he’s loved for longer than sehun has known him standing there, bursting in happiness over marrying another person. that is still the boy that has been oblivious to or downright ignoring jongin’s feelings for the sake of their friendship all along, and jongin can’t help but feel like he wants to scream.

he can’t remember what he said that day. he can’t remember if he said nice or congratulations or a bitter good for you. he can’t remember and he honestly doesn’t care about the details of how sehun proposed to baekhyun and he sure as hell feels but obligated to attend a wedding he doesn’t want to.

that night was the first night jongin truthfully wished baekhyun had never met sehun.

“and welcome to this week’s episode of the natural world.” chanyeol announces, rounding jongin’s kitchen table as he raises an amused brow at the younger. “where we observe the bizarre behaviour patterns of a broken-hearted young adult, here in his natural habitat, as he drowns away his sorrow in alcohol and misery.”

“ off, chanyeol.” jongin grumbles, eyebrows furrowing as he moves a hand to rub his aching temples. why he ever thought calling chanyeol would be a good idea, he doesn’t know – but he sure as hell was dumb.

“c’mon, someone’s gotta light up the mood here.” chanyeol laughs, sitting back in front of the other as he reaches for a beer bottle of his own. “so baekhyun’s getting married to the nerd guy, so what? you’ve been pretty okay with their relation for the past years.”

“yeah, but marriage is just.. marriage.” jongin smartly explained, groaning as he glared holes in the wooden table. “they’ve been dating for three years and just- ing marriage.”

“kinda jumped on it quick, didn’t they?” chanyeol leaned back in his chair, propping his feet on top of the table. “well, yolo, right.”

“that’s the most embarrassing you’ve said so far and i’m ashamed.”

“thank you.”

jongin groaned audibly and dropped his head on the table, clearly giving up on having an actual conversation with someone like chanyeol. it felt like the other was taking the situation too lightly while jongin was making a whole soap opera out of it. although he knew he would eventually get over it – hell, he had no other choice – he felt like, given his situation, he was still in his right to be upset.

marriage meant a life-long relation with someone and that was the only thing jongin had ever wished for with baekhyun. foolish dreams he knew wouldn’t come true yet he dared to dream them anyway – but when reality hits him hard, jongin is left feeling like he’s falling an endless fall.

he wonders if this means baekhyun will now find the safety he found in him in sehun instead.

“he’s beautiful.” he mutters after a long silence in between the two, arms folded under his head as he eyes the kitchen counter.

“ew, let’s avoid the lame drunken moments, shall we?”

“no, i mean..” jongin sighed, turning his head to merely glance down at the table. “he’s beautiful yet he doesn’t know. i hope sehun helps him learn it, because i never seemed to be enough.” he murmurs, and chanyeol seems to catch the hint of seriousness in jongin’s expression now, because he remains quiet. “baekhyun.. baekhyun is really complicated, you know?”

“is he?” chanyeol slowly asks in return, sitting up in a better position in mild interest.

“yeah.” the younger sighs. “that whole confident, charismatic personality he has going on.. it’s a mask. it’s like a sort of personality he developed to protect himself.”

he didn’t know why he was telling chanyeol this, of all persons, yet he felt the need to share his concerns with someone and the older was the only one probably willing enough to listen.

“baekhyun had a really complicated childhood.” jongin continued, brows furrowing slightly as he shrugged his shoulders. “his mom passed away when he was twelve and his dad started drinking. it was never anything too serious like those cliché stories in hollywood movies, but sometimes it would get pretty bad.” he paused for a moment, before continuing. “i remember my mom sometimes going out at night to pick baekhyun up from his father because she was warned he was spotted drunk in a bar. his dad would just leave him alone like that at random times and baekhyun grew a terrible fear of being left by himself. he feels guilty and he doesn’t think he’s good enough for his father.”

“geez.” chanyeol bit on his lower lip, gaze lowering to the table as well as he wasn’t quite sure what to say. “i had no idea.”

“he hides it well, doesn’t he?” a tiny albeit sad smile grows on jongin’s lips, yet it’s gone as quickly as it showed up. “he was obviously greatly affected by these times. that’s why he’s so immature sometimes; he’s not childish, he just.. has a hard time dealing with his emotions. and although he hides it, it gets bad sometimes. i’m just.. i don’t know. i’m scared sehun won’t be able to handle him at his worst because i know baekhyun hasn’t told him this yet.”

baekhyun doesn’t open up about it to anyone and the only reason jongin knows it is because his mother made sure of being so personally involved in taking care of baekhyun for her deceased friend.

“but that’s why baekhyun leans so much on you, isn’t it?” chanyeol questioned, a hint of a comforting smile in his lips as jongin raised his gaze. “when he’s upset about sehun or whatever.. he comes to you. because you were the one supporting him during those times, and that’s a safety bond that can’t fade away like that.”

jongin’s gaze falls back on the table and he seems to begin to wither under chanyeol’s words, lower lip worried in between his lips.

“even if baekhyun starts visiting less once he’s married, he will always find a different kind of comfort in you and you’re scared sehun will steal that away because it’s the only deep connection you have with baekhyun that no one else does. but he won’t. it doesn’t work that way.” chanyeol reads his thoughts like an open book, making jongin feel almost vulnerable for that is the truth, the truth he’s been so afraid of. “because when baekhyun closes his eyes and thinks of those times, your embrace will still be his definition of home.”

and when jongin feels his vision blurring he hides his face away, sniffling out something along the lines of ‘shut up’ and chanyeol merely laughs, patting the younger’s back as he crumbles down.

baekhyun looks stunning dressed in white and black, jongin notes, as he observes the ironed white shirt covered by the dark suit and tie, light rose adorning his left chest pocket. he has adjusted the collar of his shirt at least six times by now and jongin notes how nervous the older actually is, awkward smile on his lips as he taps his foot unceasingly. it’s almost funny to finally see baekhyun trapped in an anxious atmosphere of his own for he had always been the most relaxed of the two, hardly ever looking this nervous over any situation.

but a wedding is a wedding and jongin decides it’s only natural, which is why as he lifts a hand to pat baekhyun’s shoulder, he shows a comforting smile. “you look fine.” he reassures, and fine is a huge understatement – but his chest is already aching and it sure isn’t from how uncomfortable he feels wearing a tie.

“do i?” baekhyun chuckles and his voice cracks, looking up at the taller with the most enthusiasm-filled eyes jongin has ever seen. he looks like the embodiment of happiness and jongin thinks it suits him great.

“yes.”  jongin chuckles in return, fingers moving to affectionately fix baekhyun’s fringe a little before retreating his hand back to himself.

“good.” baekhyun breathes out, smile remaining on his lips as he turns his head to eye himself in the mirror once again. one, two, three second pass by and he laughs nervously, shaking his arms a little as if to shake off the anxiety. “geez, i’m nervous.”

“why?” the younger smiles as his question is silly as it could be, walking over to lean against the table in the room. “do you think sehun’s not going to show up?”

“god forbid him, i’d kill him.” baekhyun quickly replies, shooting jongin an alarmed gaze before the two of them laugh. it felt so natural, the whole situation – as if it really were meant to happen. and maybe, just maybe, jongin would finally come to terms with that. “i should be going now.” baekhyun stole a glance towards the door and up at jongin, big smile growing on his lips as he walked over and wrapped his arms around his best friend in a tight hug. “if i get emotional at the altar please crack a joke because this make-up took me hours.”

jongin laughed as he too wrapped his arms around the smaller, smile just as big in his own features as he enjoyed the last moments before his love of six years would finally, officially and legally, belong to someone else. “will do.”

and as he watches baekhyun leave, his heart doesn’t break the way he thought it would – if anything, there’s pride filling his chest and it drowns him in warmth.

the after party was bombastic, to say the least, and jongin honestly couldn’t have expected anything else from baekhyun. the older had always been quite artistic and good at leaving impressions, the wedding being a perfect mix of elegance and fun. the food was plenty and jongin was so full he probably wouldn’t stand up again once he’d find himself in bed – plus he did give in a tad too much on the champagne and he could already sense the glory of a hangover was going to force him to stay at home.

the sun had already set and the ecstatic part of the party had already passed for now was the time for the slower songs, couples joining together in slow and romantic dances. jongin’s eyes were set on baekhyun, on the way he and sehun held so closely onto each other, the way his thin arms wrapped around his husband’s neck and sehun hugged his waist in return, chin resting on baekhyun’s shoulder as the two merely leaned back in forth, engrossed in their endless bliss. it wasn’t difficult for anyone to look at them and see how much they loved each other, and against all of jongin’s expectations, he didn’t feel bitter, nor angry, nor upset. lonely, perhaps, but such feeling tends to be quite natural in a ballroom full of couples in love.

it wasn’t exactly like this, with a half-empty champagne glass in his hand and his tie hanging loosely around his neck, that jongin imagined the moment he’d come to terms with baekhyun’s relation would go. but he couldn’t help but chuckle, perhaps a little sadly so, as he realised there couldn’t have been a better moment than witnessing the beauty of loving and being loved in return at its fullest, right there before his eyes.

“it’s okay,” there’s an unfamiliar voice and it takes jongin’s clouded brain a second or two to fully register said words were directed in his way, head turning to be faced with an also seemingly lonely stranger whose eyes were set on the married couple as well. “i liked sehun too.”

and jongin looks back at them as well, an amused huff of air forced out of his throat as the corner of his lips twitches in a smile upon realisation. “i liked baekhyun, actually.”

“oh.” the seemingly lonely stranger mumbles. “well, i don’t know if that makes it any better.”

but he laughs as well and jongin looks back at him, taking notice of the stranger’s rather big eyes as the two smile at each other.

“name’s do kyungsoo, by the way.”

“kim jongin, and it’s nice to meet you.”