It seems only natural for it to rain the first time Daehyun performs alone, without the other five by his side. Natural, yes, but also ironic and slightly cruel- as if someone up there wanted to say, “Ha ha, look at you, standing there all by yourself in front of this huge crowd. Here, have some ing rain to make you feel even worse. Booyah, .”

Honestly, whoever that was.

After nearly three years of standing on stage with five other guys who knew exactly what he went through to get there and how scared he was before every stage, being alone is overwhelming. Daehyun finds himself holding onto the microphone a little tighter, catches himself squaring his shoulders defensively every few minutes, has to mentally slap himself out of wanting to run and hide behind someone taller than him, maybe Junhong. Needless to say, turning around and discovering that Junhong isn’t there rips open a new cut in his heart every time.

He’s on the cusp of breaking into tears by the end of his performance, managing to find an ounce of strength that lasts long enough to thank the fans and step off the stage, and then he’s done- literally and mentally- done with everything that has to do with being alone.

" that, I’m never doing this again," he tells himself as he rips the earpiece out, leaving it to tangle on his shoulder uselessly. It’s just not worth it. I’m not doing it without them.

His mother is waiting at home, thankfully, her smile warm and his favorite dish ready on the table. She doesn’t ask him about the concert, doesn’t do anything but keep him company as he eats three bowls of steaming stew and excuses himself to his room.

Daehyun is alone. It becomes glaringly clear to him as he leans against the closed door and stares around his dark room; here’s that old 4MEN poster, here’s his familiar bed, and that’s his bookcase right there, filled with comic books he’s had since sixth grade. Everything's familiar and all, okay, great, but somehow he doesn’t feel like he’s home; it’s too quiet without Himchan’s snoring or Yongguk’s constant typing. There’s no Jongup to smile at him and offer him a game of Final Fantasy, no Junhong to cheer him on, no Youngjae to hug close before falling asleep.

That last fact hits especially close to home as he settles on his bed, wrapping the blankets around him until he’s trapped inside a huge burrito of sadness. He used to complain that the dorm doesn’t feel like home; first, a home doesn’t smell like someone just dumped five hundred dirty socks in the living room, and second, a home definitely isn’t this loud all the time, what with Jongup and Youngjae playing video games all the time and Himchan practicing his Mandarin at every given second. Daehyun has had a lot of complaints back then, but now he’d gladly have it all back- yes, even the sock smell.

You know what, he would’ve been fine if it weren’t for that perfectly clear absence of Youngjae. The bed feels empty without his warmth pressed close against Daehyun’s body, and his nose feels cold without having the option of burying it into Youngjae’s nape and inhale his scent- clean and crisp, with a hint of mango.

It’s that kind of absence that can be felt everywhere; his arms, where Youngjae was supposed to be held tight. His legs, that were supposed to be tangled with Youngjae’s. His eyes, that are supposed to be seeing Youngjae but aren’t. His lips, which should be pressed against Youngjae’s. His ears, his fingertips, his cheeks. His heart.

Daehyun is alone.

(And he’d much rather be dead.)

———

He has seven text messages the next morning. One of them is from his father, asking if he’d like to join him in his weekly fishing escapade, to which Daehyun answers with a polite “Maybe next time, dad.” He doesn’t really feel like going anywhere at the minute, curling into a fetal position on his side and pulling the blankets over his head.

Next is Yongguk, who has sent him two text messages.

From: Bang
Daehyunnie, good job! You did really well!

From: Bang
Were you okay performing alone? :\

One from Jongup.

From: mjup
hyung, you were amazing~ i miss you~

One from Himchan.

From: Himujjang
did you have fun? it seemed really lonely…

One from Junhong.

From: jong-hulk
HYUNG!!!!!!! WELL DONE!!!!!!!!11!!!!1 (Followed by a string of emojis Daehyun didn’t even know existed.)

And one from Youngjae.

From: jaejae
the return of power vocal daehyunnie! good job!!

For the first time in two days, a genuine smile breaks onto Daehyun’s face. A little of the void in his heart is filled with something warm and golden.

To: jaejae
it really wasnt fun without you.

———

"You have a guest," his mother tells him as soon as he enters the kitchen nearly an hour later, hair tousled and toothbrush hanging out from one side of his mouth. "He’s sitting outside in the garden. I tried to invite him in, but he insisted on staying outside."

Automatically, Daehyun furrows his brow. “A guest? For me?”

"You might want to finish brushing your teeth before going outside," his mother advices playfully, and he rushes to the bathroom.

It’s a sunny day and the birds are chirping lightly when Daehyun steps outside, his mouth clean and his hair slightly smoothed down. The guest is sitting on the grass with his legs crossed, black beanie on his head and right eye pressed against a camera. The second smile of the day spreads on Daehyun’s lips as he slides the door shut and steps out onto the grass, its green blades crunching under his bare feet.

"You know, some people call before coming for a visit," he chides as he sits next to Youngjae, mimicking his sitting position. The younger doesn’t even look up to acknowledge his presence, black hair and camera strap standing out starkly against his pale skin.

A shutter snaps, and Youngjae clicks his tongue and plays with the focus of his camera, moving closer to the flower he was trying to capture. “ the rules.”

Daehyun laughs, actually laughs for the first time in a long while. Something within him thaws. “Some people also greet the person they’re visiting.”

"Do I look like people to you," Youngjae mumbles, the shutter clicking a few more times before he takes the camera away from his face and finally looks at Daehyun. "Hi."

Daehyun snorts. “Amazing. Such a well-articulated greeting. Teach me your ways, senpai.”

"Do you want me to ignore you? Because I can and I will." Youngjae’s voice is grave and full of warning, but his eyes are smiling and his teeth are showing, two perfect rows of white, and Daehyun knows he doesn’t really mean it, pulling the younger to him so they’re chest-to-back and wrapping his arms around Youngjae’s torso. "You love me."

"Sad, but true," Youngjae confirms with a sigh, fingers leaving the camera in favor of running through Daehyun’s hair.

They sit like that for quite a while, just getting back in synch with each other after a month of separation. Daehyun can feel that gut-wrenching lonliness making way for a warmer feeling, a feeling he only ever felt with Youngjae present. The smile never leaves his face as he presses his nose into the nape of Youngjae’s neck and breathes in his scent, clean and crisp and with a hint of mango, just like it did before everything got ed up; slight tremors run through him when the younger’s nails scrape against his scalp.

He really missed this, being at peace.

At some point Youngjae picks up his camera and starts taking pictures again, fumbling with the settings on his camera and humming to himself in Japanese- a song about a guy telling a girl named Vivi he loves her, as much as Daehyun’s limping Japanese allows him to understand. He never leaves Daehyun’s arms, though, and they stay like that until the shadows get long enough for it to get chilly.

"So what made you come visit me all of a sudden?" Daehyun asks suddenly, resting his chin on Youngjae’s shoulder and basking in the familiar warmth the younger had to offer. Youngjae stays quiet for a few minutes, adjusting the focus and zoom before taking another picture of a rather fuzzy caterpillar.

"You’re lonely," is all he offers in the end, putting the camera down to examine the photos he took. "You’re lonely, and so am I. Home can only be relaxing for so long."

A small scoff leaves Daehyun. “Amen to that. It feels kind of… stifling after a while.”

Youngjae places the lid on his camera lens, putting it down in his lap decisively. “Exactly. I don’t really know what feels like home anymore, after all this time. It’s hard to settle down, you know?” He laughs, a small, bitter laugh, fingers playing with Daehyun’s on his stomach. “After all the flying abroad and staying in hotels and learning new languages, being in one place feels so weird.”

The older nods, pressing his lips against the side of Youngjae’s neck for a second. “It’s so strange, not having them around.”

"I sort of miss it," Youngjae agrees quickly. "They used to drive me mad, but now not having Himchan hyung singing all the time feels weird. Like there’s something missing."

"And let’s not forget Junhong’s rapping," Daehyun points out, amused.

The younger nods. “Or Yongguk’s deep in the middle of the night,” he adds.

"And Jongup’s video games, of course."

"Of course."

Then there’s silence. The sun sinks behind a tree, filtering through the leaves shyly. Daehyun breathes, feeling Youngjae doing the same against his chest and feeling strangely calm; like the sensation of the younger breathing reassures him that everything’s okay, that he’ll be fine. He tightens his arms around Youngjae, and sighs.

"I miss them, though," he muses quietly, resting his cheek on the top of the younger’s head, his hair soft against his skin.

"Me too."

———

Youngjae stays the night, promising to be quiet and clean up after himself (needlessly, as Daehyun had pointed out countless times; his mother admires Youngjae). He gets the spare guest room, thanking Daehyun’s parents again and again before bidding everyone good night and closing the door.

"He’s such a nice young man," Daehyun’s mother gushes as she washes the dishes, completely oblivious to the fact that nobody’s listening to her. "So nice, and so handsome, as well! You’re so lucky to have a friend like him, Daehyun-ah."

"Yeah," Daehyun agrees with a slight smile; You have no idea how good of a “friend” he is. “Yeah, I am.”

He doesn’t sleep in his own bed that night, instead opting on slipping into Youngjae’s room after everyone else had fallen asleep. Youngjae is adorably confused as Daehyun wraps his arms around him, tensing up and then relaxing with a sigh, melting into Daehyun with practiced ease. “I wondered when you’d finally come.”

"Sorry," the older whispers back, kissing his forehead. "I had to wait for my parents to go to bed."

Youngjae hums and pecks him on the lips before burying his face in Daehyun’s chest and dozing off once again. Daehyun lays there for quite an unreasonable amount of time, trying to fall asleep despite the excitement of finally having Youngjae in his arms, of finally being able to feel complete again.

Then it lands on him, and the realization makes him smile and close his eyes, at peace with the world at last.

Youngjae is home.