Baekhyun's POV

I still remember the first time I met Jongdae. He had been quietly sitting behind me in English class. I didn't notice him for weeks. My new friends Xiumin and Suho sat beside me and distracted me from any other person. 

Jongdae talked to my friend group first; he'd overheard us speak about a show he enjoyed. A couple of days later, he came in with a shirt from the show. That's when I continued to talk to him. Xiumin and Suho kept talking talking other but Jongdae always sat behind us quietly. 

"Jongdae," I said turning to look back to talk to him. He quietly looked up from writing. "Would you like to eat lunch with my friends and me?" 

I explained to him where we sat to eat and he'd said he'd come by. He did. 

"You guys," I said to Xiumin and Suho, who were deep in talking about a book, "I told Jongdae to sit with us."

They smiled and nodded and made a space for him to sit down. That first lunch was awkward, so were the first weeks. Jongdae continued to sit with us. 

Months passed like that. Jongdae was quiet, but was willing to talk about his favorite shows or favorite books. Then one day he brought out his music player at lunch and listened to it. I didn't know what he was listening to, but he seemed happy so I didn't question it. 

Nothing changed with Jongdae, the change came with me. I didn't know when, and I didn't know how but I realized I liked Jongdae. He wasn't the best looking person, but neither was I. Jongdae was just a really nice person who was fun to talk to. Winter break passed with those thoughts, and even a few months after that. 

We went to the movies together once, well 2 other friends went with us but I mostly talked to Jongdae that day. We sat together in the theater and laughed and I even cried a bit at the movie. Our shoulders and arms rubbed together so often because we were so close. I wanted to hold his hand then, I felt like he wanted to do the same. False presumptions. However, nothing happened. I miss this feeling. 

I felt bold one day, and talked to him more personally; it was when I was going through a tough time. Looking back now, I don't remember exactly what I was upset about but it hurt me. I know it had hurt me bad, I don't think I would've told Jongdae otherwise. I sent him a message. And a message became paragraphs, and the paragraphs became my entire life story. Well almost. 

To my surprise, he opened up to me. He told me how his parents treated him, mentally abused him. It hurt me to hear how this cheerful yet quiet guy was hurting. I thought about how he listened to music a lot; I listened to music to help me through things as well. I thought I was beginning to understand him. 

I came up with an idea, it would either go really well or really bad. But in the end it just ... went. And then it went, and then it suddenly went badly. 

I told Jongdae I'd give him a present, but I didn't tell him it wasn't going to be a physical thing. 

"Jongdae meet me before school by the empty benches in the courtyard, I have a gift for you."

He sent back an ok and I became quite nervous, unsure if I'd go through with my plan. I wanted to 'gift' him a hug, and whisper in his ear that I liked him. Except it did not go as planned. 

I did meet him up however. With my quivering voice I explained, "I don't actually have a physical gift for you. I know you might feel down and I thought the best gift would be a hug, that would help me when I'm feeling down."

I slowly approached a quiet and confused Jongdae, who unexpected hugged me back. For a while. I still wish this would happen again. I pulled back first and smiled at him and we both walked into our school, not saying a word. But that was normal.

I didn't get to tell him I liked him and that bugged me all day. I payed no attention in school that day and just went home slightly frustrated. 

I sent him a quick message. 

"Jongdae? you there"

He quickly replied a 'yeah.'

"Remember how I said I told you about my life, and I said that was everything I had hidden? Well it's not everything. There's one more thing."

I sent the message and began typing my next, as I saw Jongdae type 'what is it?'

"I tried to tell you today, in person, that would've been best

I like you Chen, as more than a friend."

I sat in my bed thinking about when Jongdae told me he liked both boys and girls. I thought, 'I have a shot.' 

Jongdae didn't know what to say. He sent me a message saying he didn't understand why. 

I told him how cute he looked every time he did practically anything. I told him how I thought we could be cute together, how I could read with him his favorite books or listen to his music with him. And he told me he'd think about it. I thought I had hope, and he did not disappoint. Not then.

By the end of that night, Jongdae told me he'd do it, if we took it slow. I said yes, of course. 

I went to bed with a smile, one that he'd never genuinely cause ever again. 

The following morning everything went smoothly, it was almost as if nothing had changed. Only more smiles from each other. Jongdae told me he needed to go to tutorials at lunch for Chinese; I told him that was okay with me, not that'd I'd ever force him not to go. 

By the end of the day I noticed that he hadn't been paying attention in class, that he wasn't doing his work and I confronted him about him. 

"What's happening?" 

I texted him after school, worried that something at home or elsewhere was distracting him. 

Jongdae told me to stop. I didn't understand, I was trying to help him. 

He told me that there wasn't anything particularly wrong at home or with me. 

"What is it?" 

I asked him then, I still ask that to myself. What is it? What was the mistake? Where did it go wrong?

"I can't do this."

It had been one day. Months of figuring out I liked him, only to hear the worst, and so soon.

I felt my heart beat against my chest, and my eyes start to tear up. I asked him what I did wrong, what I could fix, if it would work. I was desperate. I'm still desperate for answers. 

I didn't know then, but I know now - Jongdae was just trying to find himself. 

I tried to reason with him, but to no avail; Jongdae couldn't have a relationship with me, he wasn't that type of person. I cried for hours, locked away in my room hoping my parents didn't knock. How would I tell them that I was crying over a guy? They didn't bother me. 

Before going to bed I sent Jongdae a message. 

"I won't be there at lunch. I will go away. You don't have to see me."

It was more for myself, if I saw him I thought I'd cry again. 

"You don't have to leave. Your friends eat lunch there. I'll leave."

I cried at Jongdae's message. He was being so kind, after having broken my heart just hours before. He knew how betrayed I felt, but him feeling bad about it wasn't going to help either of us. 

I argued that I would be gone until Jongdae finally stopped arguing. 

Although I couldn't avoid seeing him, I could avoid talking to him. I think that's when I ruined him, at least I blame myself for it. 

We continued with our lives, we talked less often. I saw he wasn't doing well in school, but I didn't say anything. I thought about him very often then, I still do if I'm being completely honest. 

Nothing particular interesting, nor hurtful happened for a while. 

We ended that school year without even a word. 

During the summer, I had a sleepover with my friend. I cried to him about Jongdae. He did not know how to comfort me, he hadn't experienced anything remotely close to what I was going through. I felt that I was never going to get over him. 

The school year began again, and I tried my best to at least be friends with Jongdae again. We did, somewhat. We occasionally talked about music, sometimes about the TV shows we were so obsessed with last year. The swings between talking and not talking continued until winter break. 

I don't know what came over me, but I decided to speak out. 

"What do you consider me?"

"Friends?"

"Just friends?"

As expected but disappointing, Jongdae said yes. 

Upon returning to school in January, Jongdae was different. Not that he liked me back or something like that, but that he began baking. 

Every Monday, he began to bring homemade cookies for everyone who came to eat with us at lunch. 

"Why do you bring in cookies for us all?" I asked one day. 

"It's my way of coping with stress," he said. 

I smiled, I'm glad he was finding ways to better himself compared to how he was at the end of the school year last year. 

I came to accept that he would never find someone appealing, but I knew he could love. I did not give up, my heart could not give up. 

"Jongdae," I said as we walked out of our last class together one day. Even though it was another school year, we still managed to have 1 class together. 

"Remember seeing that movie last year? Well the new one comes out on Friday. Would you like to come see it with me?" I asked him. 

He made his way to his locker and I followed. He began to take out some notebooks. 

"Maybe," he said. 

"As I date?" I added questingly. 

He closed his locker and looked at me. 

"Maybe not then," he said not looking me in the eye. 

"Just as friends, then," I quickly added. 

"Text me the details," Jongdae says walking away without looking back at me. I smile. 

I text him the details later, and I agree to pick him up and drop him off. 

Saturday rolls around and I apply black eyeliner on, a habit of mine that none of my friends seem to mind. I find a decent outfit, grab my wallet and keys, and head out the door. I reach his house and wait for him to come outside. 

He sits quietly in my car and I turn play a playlist I prepared with some of the artists he likes. He smiles as soon as he hears the first song. He relaxes and I drive off. 

When at the theater, I pay for both our tickets after much protest, and I ask if he wants to buy any snacks. He says no but I buy us a small popcorn bag anyway and an ICEE anyways. 

We sit a bit towards the back, with Jongdae to my right and no one to my direct left. 

As some previews start to play, I begin eating. I feel Jongdae staring at me so I begin to chew more quietly thinking that was the reason he was staring at me. 

"Baekhyun, can I have some?" he asks suddenly. I smile at him.

"I thought you didn't want anything," I tease, but pass him the popcorn bag at the same time. 

"And your drink?" Jongdae asks. 

"I can just go buy you your own. There's still plenty of time," I say standing up, "Wait here."

"Baekhyun!" he yells, making other people shush him, "We can just share."

"Really?" I question sitting down slowly. I would've thought he would not want to do those types of thing considering we were just here as friends. He simply nods. 

I extend my arm to the popcorn bag and grab a piece and smile. This could still go smoothly. 

The movie starts in about 5 minutes and as we watched the empty popcorn bag and the empty ICEE cup end up on the floor, and my right arm is hanging off the arm rest a bit. Jongdae's arm is next to mine, slightly touching. I look over at him and smile. This is just like last time, but I was gonna make this time worth it. 

I slowly started leaning towards him, till our shoulders were touching; Jongdae did not seem to mind. 

The movie was reaching one of the saddest moments, and I felt Jongdae's hand hold onto mine tightly. I did not say anything but I tried smiling to myself; it proved difficult because the scene in the movie was making me sentimental as well. 

I felt his hand let go of mine once the movie was beginning to be less emotional and I looked over to him and saw his blushing face. He looked away and continued watching the movie and I did the same. 

"Jongdae," I said as the movie credit started to roll, "Want to go somewhere else?" 

"Ah..." he hesitated as he stood up with me and started walking out the theatre room, "Could we go out for boba?" 

"Sure, I know a good place," I said as we both walked closer to my car. 

It was quiet again. I the playlist and drove off. 

"How'd you like the movie?" I asked. 

"It was so shocking," he began, "I couldn't believe that ending, well cliffhanger. Definitely should've read the book!"

I smile at Jongdae's passion, it's what made me fall for him in the first place. 

We speak about the movie all the way to the boba shop. We order our drinks. I take hold of our drinks when they're done and begin walking away. 

"Baekhyun!" Jongdae exclaims annoyed. 

"We're gonna go to the nearby park. It's nice out," I say motioning my head back to my car. He's about to speak, but I say, "You're not getting out of this." He sighs instead. 

I give him both drinks and open the car door. I drive for less than 5 minutes before reaching this lovely big park. 

There's 3 fields, 2 courts, 3 children's playgrounds, and plenty of benched areas surrounded by beautiful trees and some nice plants too. 

"We're here!" I announce with a smile. 

"It's actually quiet nice," Jongdae adds as he gets out of the car, struggling to not spill the drinks. I quickly run over to his door and pick up my own drink. 

"Pick a bench," I say. He nods and walks around for about 2 minutes. We both sip quietly and just take in the sunshine and the fresh air once we find a bench under a tree that gives shade but also some light. 

"Today was fun," I heard Jongdae say after some minutes of silence.

"I'm glad you thought so," I replied. 

He closes his eyes and I want to do the same, but Jongdae looks too beautiful to look away. He catches me staring at him, and all I can do is smile. 

We finish drinking in silence, good, peaceful silence. 

I stand up and he does the same. I ask for his cup and throw both away. We begin to walk back to the car and I want to extend my arm to hold his but I move it back. Jongdae sees and grabs my hand. 

"We can do this," he says with a smile. 

"We aren't...."

"We could be," he replies blushing. 

"Let's be," I state, holding on just a bit tighter. 

"Sure, but let's get me home first," he says. 

I let go of his hand and open the doors to my car. We get in and this time Jongdae is the one to put in a playlist. 

I turn on the engine and am about to start driving away when I hear a sing start playing. 

"No way Jongdae!" I say excited. He nods. I begin to drive away with a smile on my face as we both sing along. 

The playlist was of some bands I recommended that before Jongdae had not wanted to listen to. "I have no time for more bands," had been his reply in the past. Now he made a playlist of them all. 

When we arrived at Jongdae's house I stopped and said, "I think I love you."

"We aren't dating," he replies with a laugh. 

"Does that matter?" I ask. 

"No, it's even better," he replies. 

I hold his hand and squeeze it before he walks out of my car. I smile when he turns back to look at me. 

"So when can I get that reply?" I text Jongdae.

"When you stop being so impatient. 

Leave, I can see you through my window."

I laugh. I drive away smile knowing that he'll reply soon and that I already know his answer. I've known him for 2 years already, I've picked up on him.