Don't Let Him Disappear

Listen to the song as you read. It'll set the mood.

            Sometimes when he has too much time, his mind races towards the end of space and gets lost among the stars. He plays with the idea of living in a parallel universe where everything was better. A place where night never comes and day never ends. A place where he is able to keep what is his; the one who was rightfully his.

            But Jongup spends most of his day spreading newly washed lining onto the small twin bed in the 10 feet by 12 feet white walled rooms. He goes from room to room giving his greetings with his naturally gentle voice. He knows it comforts his patients. He wants to comfort them. This place was not home to them. This place was temporary. He was temporary.

            Jongup wants to believe that he spends his time equally with all of his patients, but he knows better than to lie to himself. He saves the best for last. He makes sure to spend the majority, if not all, of his time with his last patient. He knows it’s not professional, but he doesn’t care. 

            “Hello.” Jongup greets softly as he enters the small white room.

            The room’s occupant turns around from his seat near the wide window. He’s confused. Jongup knows. The tightening of his brows is a significant sign.

            “Who are you?”

            “I’m Jongup. Moon. Jongup.” Jongup stands at the entrance of the room with the door closed. “I’m a nurse here, at the hospital. I’ve come to spend some time with you today.” He gestures towards the small table and chairs in the corner across from where the other was. “How about we have a seat and I’ll explain why I’m here.”

            The other is hesitant at first. But as he watches Jongup slowly approach the chair and take a seat at the table, he follows suit and takes the seat on the other side of the table. Jongup’s soft smile brings a funny feeling to the other’s stomach.

            “Again. My name is Jongup. And I’m here to spend time with you today.” Jongup doesn’t want to add the details of ‘doctor’s order’, ‘new rehabilitation regime’, and ‘cognitive exercise’ because it’ll just be all too real. He wants to pretend that it’s just time spent between two lost souls. He has to pretend, but he knows this is the closest it’ll ever get to how things use to be.

            “The doctor sent you to spy on me?”

            “Let’s not talk about that.” Jongup quickly deflects the question. “I am here. And I am going to spend time with you.” Jongup’s voice is pleading just a bit. “No one else matters.”

            “I’m doing okay. Tell the doctor that I’m doing just fine.”

            Jongup bites his tongue. He was still as stubborn as he used to be.

            “I will make sure he knows you’re doing okay.” Jongup gives in.

            There’s a silence that passes between them and Jongup knows he has to say something or today’s effort will slip and fade away.

            “Do you know my name?”

            “Excuse me?”

            “My name…” His patient fiddles his thin fingers. “Do you know it?”

            Jongup hears a silent scream in his mind. It echoes loud and clear but only he can hear the blood-curdling noise. He tries to mute it. Fingers clenched into the thing fabric of his pants.

            “Himchan.” Jongup whispers low enough for only them two to hear. “Kim Himchan.”

           “Himchan…” A small smile spreads on his face. He’s satisfied with the answer. “That’s a nice name.”

            Jongup gets lost in the thin curve resting on Himchan’s lips. It still hurts him more than ever. If you listened close enough, you could hear the soft crackling of Jongup’s wall he’s built around his heart. It’s slowly crumbling once more.

            “Would you like to hear a story?” A question too frequently asked by Jongup.

            Himchan hesitates, but nods. Himchan never fails to agree to Jongup’s offer.

            Jongup starts from the beginning.

            A friend of a friend of a friend. They had always been connected. So close yet so far.

            “They met in high school. He was 3 years older. Everyone knew him.” Jongup seems to have travelled back into time. “He was the student body president, on the executive board for the student council, and was a prodigy in the school’s music department. They met when his best friend, another music prodigy, had introduced them. And everything else was history.”

            Himchan leans forward onto his elbows, his face resting in his hands. An innocent look that makes Jongup wish he had his phone to record this memory.  

            “They had fallen in love so quick they didn’t even know what hit them…”

            “How do you know they were in love?” Himchan asked genuinely curious. “How do you know when you’re in love?”

            Jongup knows love. Jongup knows. Love is sitting right in front of him.

            “Because his smile lit the darkness of the night. His warmth was all that was needed on a cold winter night. A single word and his knees would buckle. The softest laugh and it sounded like a full orchestra. He knew because he was no longer in orbit with the world. He was in his love’s orbit. They missed each other even when they were only a breath away. They didn’t mistaken it for anything else. They were in love.”

            Himchan stares at Jongup questioningly. He wished he could understand what that felt like. But all he could understand now was that the doctors have sent another person to spy on his condition. He doesn’t even understand what has happened to him. He doesn’t understand what a ‘car accident’ had to with his inability to remember his name. He doesn’t understand why he has to stay here when he knew he had a perfectly well-kept loft in downtown Seoul, given to him by his parents for his 18^th birthday. He just doesn’t understand.

            Himchan’s brows furrow as he squeezes his eyes shut at the pounding in his head. His ears are ringing and then it turns into a muffled static sound. His fingers dig into his scalp trying to get rid of the fuzzy pain in his head.

            “I’m sorry. Am I confusing you?” Jongup reaches his hand out to Himchan across the table top. “Am I hurting you?”

            Patients with his condition have it the hardest. Making new memories are almost impossible. Sometimes it hurts to even make sense of what is happening at the moment. Don’t push it.

            “I’m sorry. We can stop.” Jongup cups the side of his face. “Hey… hey. Look at me. I’m sorry.”

            Surprisingly, the ringing in Himchan’s ears disappears at the soft contact of skin to skin. He feels his body heating up and he feels… whole. He somehow makes sense of what’s going on in that moment. He knows where he’s at, why he’s here, and who he’s with. Everything made sense when their bodies were connected by that soft touch. Himchan looks up at Jongup through is eye lashes.

            Himchan knows the look in Jongup’s eyes.

            Recognition.

            Pain.

            Longing.

            “Do I remind you of him?” Himchan asks in a quiet voice as he stares into Jongup’s soul. “Am I like him?”

            If only you can remember how much we were in love.

            “Ye-yes.” Jongup stumbles over his answer. “You remind me a lot of him. Almost exactly like him.”

            “I’m… I’m sorry.” Himchan glances over Jongup’s cringed face. “I wish… I wish I can help you. I’m sorry you lost him.”

            But Jongup is quiet. For a split second, the hope in his fragile chest is rekindled. The way Himchan is looking at him now reminds him how they use to look at each other when they were worried for each other. When things were uncertain. For a split second, Jongup hopes that this moment was the moment he has been praying for since the beginning of the end.

            But the moment is gone. The face he knew disappears once again.

            Jongup watches Himchan fall through his fingers.

            Will he not really know my face in the end?

            “Do you miss him?”

            And Jongup’s brought to his wits’ end.

            “God! I miss him so much.” Jongup whispers softly as the tears over flow the ends of his lashes. His thumbs gently traces the highest point of Himchan’s cheeks. It’s his only comfort now. That soft touch of skin on skin.

            “I hope you meet him again, one day.” Himchan offers up as an attempt to comfort the younger. “I hope you get to tell him how much you miss him, one day.” A soft smile pulls across his face. “He’s lucky to have someone like you miss him.”

            There’s a hot searing pain in the center of his chest that slowly seeps into his stomach. He drops his head when the pain burns its way upward towards his eyes. His mouth drop open in a silent cry, eyes squeezed shut tight letting the tears drip from his eyes but never meeting his cheeks.

            He tries not to remember the way Himchan use to hold him. How he use to fit perfectly into the crook of the elder’s neck. How his own arms wrapped snuggly around Himchan’s small frame. He tries not to remember the warmth that the elder had once radiated; that he still radiates. He tries not to remember the way Himchan’s eyes disappeared when he smiled or how his cheekbones raised higher than the stars when he laughed. How the tone of his laughter use to tickle Jongup’s skin with excitement. How the sparkle of Himchan’s eyes use to light his way through the darkness. How the touch of Himchan’s soft lips to his rough, chapped ones called thunder to his already trembling body. He tries not to remember how they use to be. How they should be.

            He knows Himchan knows he’s crying, but tries to hide it anyway.

            He pulls his hands away and quickly wipes his wet eyes. He hesitantly looks up and offers a small smile. He’s okay. It’s a lie. But he wishes Himchan could believe it this time again.

            “What was his name again?” Himchan asks softly.

           “Himchan. His name was Himchan…” Jongup answers already knowing how the other will respond.

            “Him… Chan…” Himchan repeats the name in a whispered voice. “That’s a nice name.” There’s a sad smile that pulls across his lips. “I want to remember my name one day. Maybe someday, someone will miss me as much as you miss him.”

            Jongup reflects Himchan’s sad smile.

            I miss him so much…

            Even though he’s still right here…

            Jongup watches as Himchan fade and slip away again.

            “Who are you?”

Don't hate me.