Riding the train, not knowing where it will go where i’ll end up

I blindly take the train in search of a place to forget the pain of our partings

Even after I wipe away all my tears reflecting upon the window,

They will keep returning to me

 

 

I turn my head to see every part of the trailer. My eyes catch the last one. I walk to that train with a faded rose in my right hand, I come in. The windows and doors are still the same as the last day I came here. I enter the train quietly, but suddenly his face appeared in my mind. I touch where my heart is. My eyes become teary. Why is this pain always come to catch me? Could you please leave me? Like how the person did. I couldn’t handle myself. I fall down to the ground while hands covering my face.

Good! I’m crying...again! It’s been 3 years since he left me. But, there's something wrong. His shadows never leave me. Everytime I come here, I’ll always do this silly things. Honestly...What am I supposed to do now? Since you left me, my life became so flat. I couldn’t remember your warmth embrace anymore. Why don’t you tell me your last word? A simple good bye never hurts. My heart aches and I couldn’t stop crying. I cry out loud while holding that faded rose. Thinking out loud. Thinking about you and me. It was warm, it is cold. So close, yet so far now.

 

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“Jieun-ah...” Someone called my name, and I knew this voice. It sounded familiar in my ears. Jongsuk Oppa...he touched my hands and kept calling.

“Jieun-ah...Gwaenchana? are you okay?” Jongsuk Oppa broke my hallucination as I felt his touch. I turned my head to the side of that snowy window, the opposite side of where he sat.

“Ne...Gwaenchana. Yes...I’m okay Oppa.” I stared at him blankly. I took a sip of my favorite coffee latte quietly.

“Can I sit here with you?” He sat next to me, I just nodded and kept drinking my coffee latte.

Our favorite coffee flavor, our favorite coffee shop and our favorite place. He used to be here with me now, drinking our favorite coffee at our favorite place but…but he's not here. How long should I stay here waiting for you to come? You haven’t answered me...yet.

Jongsuk Oppa ordered his favorite cappuccino and some cookies for us, placing it nicely on our table. “Jieun-ah...Are you perhaps still waiting for Changwook?”

I suddenly turned my head to face him cause I heard his name. “Yes.”

“But it’s been 3 years since he’s gone. You can’t live like this. Don’t you ever try to...” I stopped him. “Oppa!” I couldn't believe I almost shouted out loud. I never did that to him. “ I don’t need your comment about my life. I know...you want me to get over him and forget him but, I can't. I just can't. Not now. It’s not the right time.” Gladly, I could take it over and lower my voice a little bit. I turned my head and kept watching the snow fell down from the window. Jongsuk Oppa just gave me his concern’s smile and stopped talking, drinking his cappuccino quietly and once in a while he sighed while looking at me.

Jongsuk Oppa… I’m truly sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do with my life until now. It hurts me, It tortures me and I can’t believe I end up hurting you like this...I’m so sorry.

“Hmm...Jieun-ah...Honestly I think I need to say this to you, Maybe it’s time to get back to life. It’s been 3 years since you’ve been like this. I just want to see your smile again.” Jongsuk Oppa said that while looking at me deeply. But I didn’t give him any response. “....and remember! Tomorrow is your birthday. I wish to see you there. Stop running away from your life. Try to face it. It’s the right time.” After saying that, he stood up and I could hear him saying, “You always have me.”

Jongsuk Oppa paid the bill and left me alone. “Jieun-ah...Take care!” Indeed, the words he never forgot to say.

Jongsuk Oppa is my fiancé but he knows that I don’t love him and he never force me to love him like he always do. I feel so bad. He’s so sincere to me...but all I do is not more than just hurting his feelings. Like always.

I could listen to his concern properly, cause there’s no one inside the coffee shop except me and nobody would ever come. This place was always silent...that’s why we liked it, also cause this place was my Daddy’s. My family really liked to drink coffee so my Daddy built this place for us and it named “Jinwook” Yeah! Jieun and Changwook. We’ve been in relationship for about 2 years cause he was my childhood friend, we didn’t really count our days of being together. We spent most of our time together ever since I was 6 and he was 8. Our family also knew each other well.

Tomorrow is my birthday? Definitely 1 year Changwook Oppa had left me. He was there on my birthday...3 years ago.

 

I sipped my coffee late quickly as I looked at the clock which was giving a sign to stand up cause it was the time. It was the time to see him. I would going to see Changwook Oppa.

“Thankyou for coming, Jieun-ssi.” Manager Oppa said while I was walking outta Jinwook Coffee. With no word.

I walked blankly through the silent Han River. What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to continue my life? I don’t have a reason to. That kind of words were singing in my mind. It scared me. It tortuted me. It hurt me.

I stopped, looking at the sunset first. I admired how the sun always missed the moon and they made a really beautiful scenery to make us see how much they loved each other. Changwook Oppa...What should I do now? I really can’t live without you beside me. I need you. I kept telling Changwook Oppa silently in my heart. I kept calling Changwook Oppa wherever he was. Can you hear me? My eyes became teary and finally the sun confessed that it missed the moon, there came the moon. I kept crying. I kept calling and I kept loving Changwook Oppa...

Out of nowhere, suddenly Jongsuk Oppa caught me there before falling to the ground. He hugged me. I didn't refuse his warmth embrace. I sobbed and he sent me home.

“Jieun-ah! Don’t cry anymore...okay? Please just for tonight...sleep well and I love you...I will always do” Jongsuk Oppa texted me immediately the moment I reached home, I just read and ignored it.

 

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Changwook Oppa…Today is my birthday…You are my happiness so please...for this year’s birthday…come and meet me…I miss you...

I opened my eyes slowly and pulled myself up. I took a bath and went downstairs to meet my parents.

“Jieun-ah!” My Mommy approached me when she saw me and immediately hugged me. “Happy birthday sweety...”

“Thanks Mom.” I hugged her while closing my eyes, feeling the best hug in the world; mother.

My Daddy also came to me and kissed my forehead.

“Happy birthday baby girl...”

“Thanks Dad.” I kissed his cheeks. I forced to smile.

I glanced all over the place and caught a piece of beautiful pink dress on the sofa. Before my parents talked to me about that dress. I ran away myself.

“Mom. Dad, I have something to do first. Bye. And I love you” I hugged them in quick and went outta house quickly.

“Jieun-ah!” My Mom called me. I stopped, didn't even look at her. “Promise me...to come back here for your birthday.” Heard that, I just nodded slowly without turn my head to them and continued walking.

I could see that Dad was hugging Mom tightly in concern. I could barely hear them sobbing.

Come back? I sighed. Maybe I will…cause I’m sure Changwook Oppa will be there too…for me.

I walked through that happiness beach. I can hear the sea waves like how you whispered me but, I can’t remember your warmth embrace anymore, it’s cold. I know that you already left me. Don’t you remember our memories here? Our laugh, our story, our dream, and our love. My tears fell down. You just left me this rose. My favourite flower. I held that faded rose and fell down to the sands. Changwook Oppa...I have to meet you…Please...Just for today?

I kept walking, walking and walking...until I met a grave. On that gravestone written “Ji Changwook.”

I gave him a soft smile.

“Changwook Oppa...Annyeong...How are you?” I whispered softly but I was sure it was loud enough to be heard. My voice cracked. That was frightening.

I felt confused suddenly. The sadness and lonliness were suddenly came after me.

I felt so light. My heart ached and all those pain, all those memories were running back to the past, dragging me in.

The way he treated me, the way he hugged me, the way he talked to me, the way he kissed me, I could remember all. I started to call him more...more and more.

Changwook Oppa...Why did you leave me? Why did you do this to me? I really can’t live without you. I can’t overcome this pain alone. I don’t know how to leave this flat life and...I don’t want to let go you go. This heart is for you. I touched where my heart was deeply, feeling all the pain. I couldn’t face the fact that you already left me. I'm sorry Changwook Oppa...I just can't...

 

***** FLASHBACK *****

“Jieun-ah...Wait me here okay?” He smiled brightly in excitement. “Oppa be careful!” I smiled brightly in happiness, waiting for him to come back impatiently.

I waved my hand and smiled, so did he. That day was my birthday and I celebrated it with my colorful rainbow family, my future, and my love. He was the one. He was the love. Ji Changwook...My boyfriend. My first. My best boyfriend.

He left me at “Jinwook Coffee” and walked across the street. He wanted to buy me a bouquet of red roses, my favorite. I couldn’t handle myself, I was so happy and I thought that I was the happiest girl all over the world cause I had a boyfriend like him.

He bought me a bouquet of beautiful roses and headed back to me. That was really beautiful, the way he smiled, the way he waved his hand to make sure I needed to wait for him there, the way he held the bouquet tightly. I came out from the coffee shop and waited him across the street but suddenly...

BAMM!!

I hope time could stop. If it did, then I would make sure that I wouldn’t celebrate my birthday that time and that way. What kind of situation was that? I thought that wasn’t my love. Changwook Oppa?? Changwook Oppa??  I kept asking my heart in silent, didn’t want to believe what exactly happened there cause I didn’t see anything yet. But...Nobody answered me. All I saw was a worst nightmare of mine came to life.

My feet became weak the moment I slightly saw something. I stepped forward to where my favorite flower was. And I found it...I found him...

CHANGWOOK OPPA!!!!!!!  I found him...there...on the street, looked so fragile and blood everywhere.I wished I could shout out loud and wake him up. I wished I could hit him hard so that he could feel the pain and started shouting. I wish I could hug him tight and never lose the hug even if he wanted to loosen it. I wish I could. But not even single words came out. What I did was slowly approached him with no word. I couldn’t do anything but softly touched his hair. Tears falling down like how the rain took over the world.

Many people were murming something over us. Some of them, tried to call ambulance but that was just wasting time. I kept crying and crying, louder louder and louder. Then, I knew Changwook Oppa already walked off of me. He didn't even say anything. A simple good bye was not even mentioned.

I picked the bouquet of my favorite beautiful red roses without saying anything which became more red cause of Changwook Oppa's blood and hugged it deeply, it fouled my dress but I didn’t care anymore. All I knew was just something had ripped my heart and the moment I realized he was really gone, all the parts of my heart broken into pieces. Changwook Oppa was indeed already left me...all alone.

I couldn’t get out of this sadness, I was so scared of losing him that I couldn't even wake up from this nightmare. Now...he really left me and wouldn’t never come back to give me his warmth embrace, brightest smile, and lovely kiss. There wasn’t any good night kisses anymore.

The next day after he left me, my life became so flat and messy. I became a blank person. I didn't smile. I didn't laugh. I didn't even talk. Even..I didn't cry. I was a zombie came to life. I tried as much as I could to hold it. My parents cried everyday, but I couldn't do anything. My heart was broken into pieces and everytime I realized that he wasn’t there with me....that was always the time I felt lost, so lost at sea. I couldn’t face the fact and I kept thinking that Changwook Oppa was still here right beside me. I couldn’t face it. I didn’t want to face it. I love you Oppa...I love you so much...

***** FLASHBACK END *****

 

Our photos are fluttering in the wind,

For some reason we look sad in them

 

I opened my eyes slowly and Jongsuk Oppa already waited for me to wake up, sitting beside me.

“Where am i?” I was surprised, trying to pull myself up immediately.

“You’re in your bedroom, Jieun-ah. No need to worry and just rest for a little while.” He answered me with his gentle smile, trying to push me back to sleep. “I found you at Changwook’s grave and when I found you, you were sleeping...like always...so I sent you home”

I dreamt of him, the way he died...I couldn’t forget it. Changwook Oppa...What does it means? Why you give me this dream…? on my birthday? Again? It's been 3 years and ever since you left me, you always give me this dream and it’s always on my birthday...

I couldn’t hold my tears anymore, I cried out loud. Jongsuk Oppa hugged me and didn't say anything...he just hugged me. I could finally feel his gentle side.

“It’s okay Jieun-ah” He my head while hugging me “Everything is gonna be alright. Cry if you wanna cry. I’m right here. You can depend on me. Just let it all out. Let it all out loud. I'm sure you're gonna be much better after that.”

I cried loudly and even more louder than before. But, suddenly I felt Changwook Oppa’s warmth embrace when Jongsuk Oppa hugged me.

What is this mean Changwook Oppa? Wae...? Why...? Are you going to tell me something? Then tell me! Don't make me wait even more days. I missed you, I miss you and I always do.

I closed my eyes and kept hugging Jongsuk Oppa. He was surprised at first cause I hugged him even more tightly but he understood me and also kept hugging me, my head gently.

Yes… This is Changwook Oppa’s warmth embrace. Changwook Oppa left me so many memories that I couldn’t erase it one by one. I'm sure. So sure.

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Finally...My 17^th birthday party was there around the corner. My relatives one by one were coming. Jongsuk Oppa stood beside me, smiling brightly and taking my role to greet all of them cause I didn't give them any response. My eyes only focused on the gate and deep in heart wished Changwook Oppa would come. I still...with my blank mind, like a zombie.

Changwook Oppa… Where are you? Would you come to meet me this year? Today is my birthday...again.

I smelled Changwook Oppa’s scent all of sudden. I was surprised. My eyes widened in shocked. W-What....? What....? What is this?! Changwook Oppa??

I ran out to search for where the scent was and again, still with no words...Jongsuk Oppa didn’t talk anything, he let me out silently.

I arrived at the park which near my house. I called Changwook Oppa...loudly...

But there was no one there, and suddenly Changwook Oppa’s scent was missing.

I was so scared. Scared to lose him again. I kept calling Changwook Oppa and crying...Changwook Oppa...Changwook Oppa...Where are you...Don’t you want to wish me happy birthday? It's my day. Don't you wanna give me a present hmm? Hmmm? Please answer me...

I fell so down that I coudln't believe I was still longing for him. I was still hoping that I could meet him again. I was still loving him with no reason. I couldn't do anything besides crying out loud while covering my face. Didn't even care about my sweet seventeen make up.

I smelled Changwook Oppa’s scent again and it kept closer to me. I turned my head to search for his appearance but I couldn’t see anything. My tears kept falling...My heart kept ripping into pieces...

“Jieun-ah...” I felt it, Changwook Oppa whispered me. He sat on the nearest chair there. He waved his hand, wanting me to come closer. Still with his brightest smile. No strength I felt on my legs. While approaching him slowly, I smiled heavily.

“Yea.....?” I answered him softly while closing my eyes and his voice became more closer and louder. I sat down.

“Happy birthday!” Changwook Oppa was there. He was sitting right beside me and smiled softly.

“Chang...Changwook Oppa?” I was surprised. I hugged him immediately while crying and he patted my head.

“Why are you crying? Stupid...”

“Where have you been? I miss you...Truly miss you Changwook Oppa...” I cried out loud. I didn’t cover my face cause I didn’t wanna lose him again.

“I didn’t go anywhere baby.” He stared at me “I live in your heart.” He held my hand and placed it on my chest. “There...”

“What do you mean by saying that?” I started to cry louder.

“Listen! Jieun-ah...I already died and I have to go now. Please let me go...” Changwook Oppa showed me his serious face.

“Let me go with you! Take me with you...That’s better if we can live together happily” I tried to smile, forcing smile but that time I was sincere when I smiled. Honestly I already knew what answer Changwook Oppa would give me.

“You can’t! You still have a bright future ahead, Jieun-ah! Please...don’t be like this, You think I like it when you cry because of me? You think I like it when people talk to you but you just stare at them blankly? I hate myself for leaving you like this. But I don’t have a choice, you should let me go and continue your life with your lovely smile.” Changwook Oppa held my hands.

“B-But...” I couldn’t held my tears. It kept falling, falling and falling.

“You always ask me...What’s my last word. Now I will tell you Jieun! I love you but I can’t stay here anymore, I can't always be right here beside you anymore...This indeed hurt my heart so deeply but we have to face the fact. Don’t deny the truth. Don’t deny your life. And don’t deny yourself.”

“I love you too Changwook Oppa...” Finally I could say it.

“Good...If you do. Now, It’s time to let me go and replace me with the one who cares about you, the one who take a good care of you. See him cause I know he cares about you, he loves you...so much. I can’t take care of you anymore, I just can live in your heart...In your deepest heart.”  Changwook Oppa stood up and slowly but sure he was walking away from me, I touched my heart and smiled.

“Changwook Oppa...Goodbye!” I couldn’t believe that I said goodbye first. But I guess I would be ready to face the truth of my life now.

“Goodbye....Jieun.”

After saying that to me, Changwook Oppa disappeared. I sobbed and waved him our last good bye. Jongsuk Oppa called my name out loud, searching for me. I could feel the sound of his voice right in my ears. He came to me, he found me. I was crying...out loud when I saw him. He sat next to me and wiped my tears away.

“It’s okay.” I couldn't believe Jongsuk Oppa's words could calm me that time. I hugged him first and in the end, I gave him my sweetest smile.

He also gave me his smile like usual, a gentle smile and he held my hands. We headed back to my birthday party with a little relieved.

 

I count 1, 2, 3...and when I turn my head,

I hope the memories of the love we once shared will fade away

I don’t want to cry anymore, I just want it all to stop and so,

I want to forget you now, while riding on a train

 

 

“Mommy!!!! Where are you?” Hyunmi called me.

“What happened Hyunmi-ah?” I came to where the sound was.

“Look! I cut my finger” She tried to fool me. “Aigoo~ let me see! Hmm? Wuah! Let’s go to the hospital”

“No!!!!” She screamed.

“What happened? Hyunmi-ah...you tried to fool your mom again? Don’t you dare to fool me?” Jongsuk Oppa came home from work and hugged our little daughter lovingly.

Yes… This is my new family. A complete family, Husband and daughter. We're married for 7 years already and we live happily. Hyunmi is our daughter. My daughter with Jongsuk Oppa. Don’t you happy now with me? Changwook Oppa......? I will never forget you cause you were, you are and always be my important person who live in here...in my heart. 

I touched my heart deeply and smiled.

You are the part of my family too. You are the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. You're the special person for me. You have taught me how to face the fact and continue my life. Thankyou...Thankyou Ji Changwook Oppa!

I looked at Jongsuk Oppa when he lifted Hyunmi up high on his arms, embracing her lovingly. We both showed our sweetest smile to each other when our eyes met.

...and thankyou Jongsuk Oppa for not giving up on me. Thankyou for not letting me go even though I'm the first one who let go of your hands. Thankyou for always searching for me and hug me silently without asking anything about my past. Thankyou for always waiting for me patiently. Thankyou for loving me.

“MOMMM!!” Hyunmi broke my daydream. I ran to Hyunmi and kissed her cheeks.

“What?” I smiled at Hyunmi, tilting my head to the side of my long bangs. Jongsuk Oppa kissed my forehead when he saw my big forehead.

“Let’s go to the park today, Mom!” I slightly glanced over Jongsuk Oppa and he nodded immediately

“Call!!” I shouted. Hyunmi followed me, shouting out loud in excitement.

“Yeah!!!” Hyunmi kissed my cheeks.

I asked Jongsuk Oppa to go to that park by riding the train. We sat together side by side. This would be my last time riding this train. I would leave the past behind and look for the future. As you said...My bright future. I turned my head, recalling our faded love, but I wouldn’t cry anymore. This was my last trip with this train. I would leave you behind. I touched my heart and smiled...good bye.

 

It takes so much strength, I don't wanna cry anymore

So I want to accept, so now I take the train to forget you

A new white winter, I take the train to forget you

Our love train would always live in my deepest heart…