🎶 

I don't know if I'm going to last much longer. The air is so thick with incense and the smell of alcohol that I feel like I'm going to faint. Why does anyone bring alcohol to a funeral anyways? Shouldn't you be sober enough to honor the dead, at least?
 

Yixing would never have let the house smell like this. 
 

Never.
 

The thought of Yixing makes me want to hurl so I quickly excuse myself from the viewing and rush to the guest bathroom on the left, grip the toilet seat and hurl. I will myself to do it in silence, knowing that the sound of my gagging will attract the visitors, but I can't. Not this time. If anyone could puke out their grief, that would be me. Just as I'm about to hurl again, three quick knocks on the door startle me and I immediately slam the toilet cover shut.
 

"Someone's in here!" 
 

"Liyin, open up."
 

Baekhyun.
 

The familiar voice just makes me want to puke again, so I do. He's in the bathroom with me in no less than five seconds and is already holding my hair up for me and my back. When I'm done, I collapse into his arms. He pushes the door closed and we sit there on the bathroom floor with him leaning on the wall and me leaning on him. I can feel his heartbeat through my back and a bitter laugh bubbles up my throat.
 

"That's Yixing's move, Baekhyun. You can't do that." I manage, but my eyes are welling up with tears. Maybe it's better that I can't see Baekhyun. Our position makes it easier for me to break, and easier for him to try and hold me together. 
"I can now. Plus, I want to. You're comfortable." He says softly, adjusting his legs so that they frame mine. 
 

"You want to comfort me." It's more of a statement than a question.
 

"I want to love you." And suddenly, Baekhyun's words send a tremor through me, the kind that isn't going to stop until I cry all my tears, so I do. 
 

How could this have happened? Two days ago, Baekhyun and I had finally worked up the courage to tell Yixing that we were together. Everyone in the police department had whooped and hooted for joy, and my brother was more than happy to know that Baekhyun, his second in command was going to take care of me. I could still remember the look on his face that day, despite having a huge case over his head, he made time for me. He was ecstatic, he even took us out for drinks. 
 

Baekhyun's arms wrap themselves around me tightly as I curl up into a ball. He starts pressing soft kisses all over every single inch of skin he can find, knowing that it calms me down but not this time. The pain is too strong. 
 

Louder sobs escape my lips when I remember the day after we told him, the day when the ambush that took his life happened. I remember being more worried about Baekhyun than I was about my own brother, because I told myself that he wasn't even going in- he was just going to oversee it. But I was wrong.
 

 Baekhyun's face when he tried to explain what had happened repaints itself in my mind and I start shaking.
 

"Liyin, there has- there was a change in plans- a higher up-"
 

"Baekhyun, answer the question!"
 

"Liyin, please just- listen first, alright? I- we told him not to but he.. he said it was an order from a higher up and so he went in to save one of our-"
 

I've stopped trembling, but the bathroom has started to spin. My chest feels heavier than it should be me and my lungs are suffering from the weight. I don't want to open my eyes, and no matter how much Baekhyun shakes me to do so, I can't. I'm plunged in this nightmare forever. 
 

"Baekhyun, answer the goddamn question! Where is he?" 
 

"He's dead." 
 

I know what this is. This is a panic attack- but the kind only Yixing could subdue. Even when my parents were still here, only Yixing could take me out of something like this. I'm aware of Baekhyun, cupping the sides of my face, but his fingers feel like ice. I try to open my eyes, but they're just too swollen. Am I screaming? I don't know. 
 

Am I dying?
 

I hope so. 
 

There's something warm on my cheeks all of a sudden. I've run out of enough tears to know that these aren't my own, but Baekhyun's. 
 

"Liyin, I don't want to lose you too." He murmurs softly. And suddenly, I'm aware of warm hands, holding my face, two smooth thumbs attempting to wipe away our melded tears. My cold hands manage to hold onto his wrists and I start absently drawing circles there with my thumb. My sobs become softer and quieter until I can no longer hear them, until they're no longer bubbling underneath my chest.
 

I still don't open my eyes, because I know the sight of Baekhyun will crush me all over again, so I open my mouth to speak. "Everything hurts. We were happy one minute and now- that-that's gone Baekhyun." I swallow, knowing that what I say next is true, and will be true forever. "Yixing's gone. I'm alone again."
 

"Hey," he says, managing a small laugh. He pecks my forehead and somehow, by a miracle, I manage to open my eyes. His squarish grin greets me, but the tears are still present. "I'm still here, aren't I? You're not alone. I'll never leave you." 
He dips his head to press his lips to mine and I melt, pulling him closer to kiss him sweeter. 
 

"I'm here. I'll always be here." 

----------------------------------------------------
 

It takes ten minutes for us to finally get ourselves together. When we emerge from the bathroom, Jongin, another one of the officers greets us with an apologetic smile. He hands us both water bottles. "Aunt Mei said it would be bad for you guys to get dehydrated from all your crying." I manage a small laugh and a sniffle at his joke, reaching up to ruffle his hair. "Thanks, Jongin." 
 

A large number of people have left the house and only a few are sitting in our kitchen, chatting up Aunt Mei. I have a clear view of Yixing's casket from where I stand in the corridor and I feel the urge to cry again. Baekhyun holds my waist protectively and nuzzles his nose against my cheek. "Be strong." 
We walk forward and I'm suddenly met by my brother's angelic face behind a pane of glass. There are fresh tear stains on the top which I wipe away with my thumb. 
 

"They did a pretty good job huh, Xing? I mean-you don't look like a barbie doll." Baekhyun snorts at my attempt, but he my waist to assure me that he's right there. 
 

"I miss you already. And I wish you could come back, but I know that's not possible." Tears have begun to flow down my cheeks again, but I'm making progress, at least. "Don't worry, though. Baekhyun's going to take care of me. He promised, and I know he's never going to go back on that." 
 

"You should rest now, Xing. I'm okay here."
 

Baekhyun kisses my temple and mumbles something about how brave I am against my skin. I want to tell him that I'm not brave, that I'm only pretending this doesn't hurt and that I'm most definitely not okay, but I don't have to tell him that. I turn around to look at his face and he already knows. His eyes are soft but his grip is strong.

Almost as if he's saying, you'll be okay.