Petals, planes, red strings

It's too dark. Right now, it's too dark and cold. I don't know why it was dark and cold when the light had always been on because stupid as it was I can't sleep with them turned off even though I am already thirty years old. I looked at the broken vase on the floor, they look so blurred. Something's wrong with my eyes perhaps. I heard him yelled a curse followed by the loud banging of the door as he left. That's when I felt my tears streamed my cheeks. My eyes landed on my shaking fingers. Lately, though it was wrong, I kept thinking how would it be like to wake up one day and I don't have him next to me anymore. What would it be like to be not with him. Isn't it strange that after all these years that I have loved him, I suddenly started thinking of these things? I closed my eyes, taking a deep breathed in, putting myself together, pulling the falling pieces together.

Opening my eyes I stared at the scattered shards on the floor. Just like how my heart and thoughts were. Scattered. Shattered. I crouched down and began picking up the pieces of the vase, the glass and the things that he broke because he was mad. I couldn't even remember why he was mad. I think I said something, something I can't remember. I felt myself flinched when a piece pricked me. I can't feel it but the blood oozed in my shaking finger. In my finger where my engagement ring settled then it came to me.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

I heard the broken pieces met the floor once more as I hugged my knees and cried. I cried so hard, so loud without any restrains. In my head our shouting voices were echoing, bouncing, unable to find a place to get out. Why am I feeling this way? Why does it hurt? Why is everything like this? I don't know. I don't know but I wanted to get out. I needed to get out. I can't breathe. I can't move. I'm sorry.

Jiyong had been a perfect man. He was nothing like how people thought of him. He was loyal, loving, sweet, possessive and cutely jealous over anyone though it was ridiculous. True, he was controlling but she understand why. He has his fears knowing how flawed he is like everyone else. I had been with him for almost seven years and he had given me all the happiness that I didn't think I will be able to have. Earlier this year, he proposed to me, telling me that it was now the time he knew was right for us to finally settle and focus on our relationship, on the family we had dreamed to have.

I should be happy but my mind was blank, in my heart it felt like there was an endless rain, an eternal gloom but at that moment I can't do anything but to say yes and pretend that my tears were for the unexplainable feeling of happiness when in reality it was because I was confused. I always had the clear vision of how things should have been but lately, I seemingly lost the things I have been dearly holding within me. I don't think anyone will understand what I was feeling, what I was thinking because even I, I can't understand it myself.

I began picking up the pieces once more and walked to the near trash bin to throw it all away. I don't think there will be anyone stupid enough to keep broken pieces. When something shattered, when it is already in pieces the only thing that was needed to be done was to throw it all away. It's useless. It's ugly. It's nothing.

Nothing.

My tears kept falling. Maybe, everything had became nothing. All of it turned into nothing but broken pieces that was waiting to be thrown to trash. But what will happen if you throw it to trash? Wouldn't it be gone forever? Will I be able to look at it again? Will I see it again? I turned away, wiping my tears using the back of my hand. My eyes landed on a broken frame on the floor that contained our first picture as a couple. It had been years, we have gone this far and am I prepared to throw it all away?

I froze at my own thought. Throw it away? What would I throw away? Why would I throw it away? I stared at Jiyong's smiling figure on the photograph. Once, we were a picture of what a happy perfect couple is. A picture of what would it be to find and be with your soulmate. I walked to the frame and picked it up. The glass was terribly cracked, some of it already fell. What happened? Everything was okay then I woke up one day and nothing was ever the same. I weakly placed the photoframe on the shelf before grabbing my keys and getting out there. I need to get out. I can't breathe.

When I returned home, it was three in the morning. I saw him sitting on the couch fast asleep waiting for me with my favorite cake on our center table. I walked to him and gently run my finger against his hair. My tears welled up and I began crying. Why was he like this? Why was he flawed and perfect at the same time? And why does he always need to make me feel so awful? Why does he make me feel so loved and unworthy at the same time? I don't want any of these. Can't he see that this is killing me?

I covered my mouth with my hands but my sobs were persistent, thrashing to get out until he stirred from his sleep. I wiped my tears away as he gently fluttered his eyes open. "Dara," he worriedly called my name. I roughly wiped my tears but they were endless. It was like I was filled with all this unnecessary water in me that they were overflowing. He stood up, gently held my hand. He wiped my tears away, "Sshh, I'm sorry, baby." He cooed. "I'm really sorry, please don't cry." I bit my lips to stop myself but everything was too much to hold and I exploded, wounding him with the sharpnels of all these undefined emotions. For a moment I thought, wondered, why he was apologizing when he did nothing wrong.

I shook my head before gently withdrawing my hand from his hold. If I don't say it, I'll hurt him more. How much more do I need to hurt him? I don't want to hurt him anymore. I wiped my tears and took a deep breathed in before I faced him. I carefully held his both hands, looked up to meet his tired eyes. Oh god, what have I done to him? What did I do to him? Wasn't it enough? Enough, what's enough? How do you know it's enough? When will it be enough?"Jiyong..." I muttered, mustering all the love I have left for him, all the courage that I will need. "It's suddenly pouring, huh." I heard myself chuckled dryly. He looked at me, confused and pained. "Dara..."maybe, he doesn't know what to say as well.

"It's raining." My voice cracked. He looked at me more confused. "Somewhere inside me, it's raining so much and I am drowning." I broke into cries. I wonder what am I exactly trying to tell him.

"What... d-do you mean?" I know he knew what I meant but I have to be clear.

"I don't know how to tell you. Tell me, how should I tell you?" I am breaking his heart. I am ripping him apart but what choice do I have. I need to save him. I need to save myself.

I want to save myself.

"Dara... don't say it."he said breathlessly. "P-please, don't say it."I can see his tears welling up. I shook my head. I honestly don't know what to say. How do you tell the person you thought you will be with for eternity that it's not working anymore? That your time has passed and now it was all... gone. How do you say you are empty? How do you say that you are no longer happy? How to... how to not hurt him? Maybe, I am just tired. Maybe, if I sleep, if I rest it will be back to how things should be but I don't want to go back. I am so tired staying where I am. Tired of watching the world passes me by.

I lifted his both hands and burried my face on it. "Jiyong..."I cried. He was shaking, his hands were cold. These hands that had held mine tight, these hands that pulled me up when I was down, these warm hands that caressed me with comfort and love. This man that I have come to love so much. So much until I was full to the brim, until everything has spilled. Please, all the gods there, forgive me. Forgive me for breaking his heart. All the angels there, please make him forget about me, take away all our memories and spare him the heart ache.

"Please, Dara, please..." his voice broke with cries.

"Star light, star bright, to my star that watch me every night..." I remembered his childish magic chant. "I am letting go, Kwon Jiyong, whom I love the most. This will be the price for me to have one more chance in our next life time to be with him. To love him better, to be someone much worthier for him."My voice cracked with pain and love. Somewhere in my head, I don't want to lose him. I don't want to throw away the years that we have invested in our relationship, all the laughs, the joys and  even the pain, those childish fights and the words that were said in a wrong time. But sometimes, it was nothing but those invested feelings, invested time that was keeping you in that relationship. And what if it were only those that was keeping me beside him, keeping him beside me?"Please give me another try on our next life time." I let go of his hand but he held me tighter. I looked at him making me hate myself more.

"Dara, I don't want to..." he shook his head. "Tell me, what I did wrong please." He begged. I don't know because he did nothing wrong. It was the same old 'it's me not you'. "Tell me, what you want." I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't even know what I was trying to do or achieve in doing this. "What I need to do..."Nothing, it's me. It's all me, Jiyong.

"Let me go..."I can't almost hear myself. I didn't know where that came... I guess I always had the answer in me, I was just afraid of them. I am just afraid to know, for him to know because this will change us forever. Like the cracks on the photoframe. It will be unfixable, it will never be the same. Nothing will be the same.

His eyes widened with shock as his hands let me go. The moment he did, I turned away, walking my way out of our apartment, out of his life. Maybe, I will never be able to return. Maybe, there's no going back and maybe we both reach the end of the line and there was nothing left. There was nowhere left to go. Dead end, we reached the end. The journey of us has finally ended. Our book had its epilogue and now it's the end. This is how our story ended.

And just like that, I cut our red strings.

Ten in the morning, I returned back to the apartment losing the right to call it ours. The place was a huge mess. I guessed he was mad. Everything was thrashed, broken and left on the floor. I went to our room to grab and pack my things. I saw him on the bed, past asleep, hands with dried blood on them, countless bottles and cans on the floor. What did I do to him? How awful could I get? I walked to him and gently caressed his hair. I'm sorry. I wanted to apologize but how do you apologize for something you chose to do? How to apologize when you don't feel guilty at all, that in reality, you were relieved?

I stood up before walking into our closet. I grabbed the huge bag and began packing the only things that I can't part with. The stuffs that I adore and needed. After getting out with one huge duffel bag and luggage, my eyes landed on this messy place. He hated a messy place, I am the one who was messy between the two of us. Sighing, I started picking up the trash and did a little cleaning. Grabbing the trash bin, I was about to throw all the trash that I was holding when I saw there our couple rings together with the engagement ring which I left on our bedside table before leaving yesterday. I guess, it was broken and broken pieces were meant to be thrown away because they are nothing of use anymore. I placed the trash on the bin and placed it back on the corner. Turning to him, he looked messy and broken. I broke him. Who would have thought that it will be me who will bring him into this kind of pain when everyone was telling me he will leave me in pieces. I walked back, sat down on the bed and gently caressed his hair and face.

"Jiyong..." I don't intend to wake him, I wished that he won't as long that I am there. I don't want to see him in pain. I don't want to be guilty. I hate feeling guilty. "I don't know where to begin, you had been a very important part of my life and every day I am grateful that you came into my life and made me happy,"As my tears welled up, my chest constricted with pain. "To be honest, I had stop believing that I could be this happy, that someone like you can come along but then God proved me wrong when I got you and I cannot thank him enough. I can't tell you how much grateful I am."

"Someday, one day, maybe you will be able to forgive me. Until that day, I will be waiting. I will be waiting, wishing, praying that you will find a happy ever after with someone. Someone who will treat you better, who will love you so much more, who will be worthier." I felt my lips spread into a bitter smile. I wiped my tears and let out a small chuckle. "I will always be here with you, I will be your bestfriend and you will always have an important place in my heart. I love you..." I leaned to kiss him long on his temple. "Goodbye, babe."I was about to stand up when I noticed how his tears streamed down his cheeks, soon he was wrecked with sobs as he buried his face on his pillows. I looked away, his cries echoed all over the room and stayed within me. Standing up, I once again left our place that had been the cradle of our relationship, the place that witness our smiles, our cries, our laughters. The moment I closed the doors, I know there was no turning back.

Seconds had turned