At school, Sungjong smiles a lot. He does so consciously. When he looks in the mirror in the morning, he reminds himself. If it becomes difficult and he starts to falter, Dasom or Hwayoung usually prompt him. He's found smiling helpful. If he's happy and perky and surrounded by friends, he's less likely to be targeted. 

In his classes, he does well, but not too well. He's always in the top 10 in his science classes. He struggles hard to stay in the top 25 for his other classes. It's difficult. When he gets home from school and after dinner with his family, he's always tired, exhausted even. He reckons that's stupid. On his way home, he usually sees the seniors training on the sports ground. He compares the amount of effort they put in - especially the ones who are hoping for a sports scholarship - to himself, just drifting through life. They do all that, yet here he is tired out by the act of living. Completely stupid. 

 

~.~

 

He takes a look at the seniors training for other reasons too, of course. He's a teenage boy - is he supposed to avert his eyes from the field full of well-built, sweaty guys? Sungjong endeavours not to be too conspicuous. When Dasom was caught looking before, she bagged herself a boyfriend - the archery team's Kim Myungsoo. Sungjong suspects the result of him getting caught looking would be less 'happy ending' and more 'head slammed in locker'. 

Nevertheless, he can still peek and appreciate. He likes Choi Minho, the track team's star. Minho's tall with a bright smile, big eyes, and he's always so kind to his juniors. Sungjong's head is full of scenarios where he isn't a coward and actually confesses to the senior and it's all sweet words and kisses and making out in the backseat of Minho's Hyundai. However, Sungjong is a coward. Therefore, these scenarios all stay safely inside his head. 

 

~.~

 

That evening, Sungjong is part of the clean up crew. He gets posted to the biology lab along with his partner, Bomi. He figures they must be the first kids in months not to dodge their duty. Every surface is scummy, the sinks are caked with limescale and a smell of over-ripe vegetables ades the air. Bomi sends Sungjong off for more cleaning supplies while she's brushing dead flies from the windowsills. Sungjong obliges, happy to make his escape. 

As he's strolling down the deserted school corridor, he hears the argument. The sound is coming through a window left ajar. It looks out over the quiet corner of the school grounds between the teachers' carpark and the store rooms for the sports teams. Sungjong can't help his curiousity. Checking that there's really no one around, he inches closer. 

"Three months, Hoya. We've been together three months and you've kissed me twice. Once every six weeks? Should I schedule it into my diary, Hoya? 'Thursday: Anticipate peck on cheek from boyfriend'." 

"Noona, I didn't mean to -"

"Don't. If you're about to say something else about wanting to take things slow, then please don't. When you say that stuff now, I feel mocked." 

There's a slender, pretty girl who Sungjong vaguely recognises as one of the theatre club members. Her face is red and she keeps raking her fingers through her short hair to calm herself down. The kiss-phobic guy who's making her angry has a broad, muscular back, frizzy hair clipped down, and is only a hair taller than his girlfriend. At first that's all Sungjong can see, but the conversation has him hooked. Sungjong tiptoes forward, trying to keep far enough back from the large casement window that the couple won't notice him.

"Noona, I'm... I'm sorry. I don't know what to say." 

Sungjong picks up the Busan accent. Before he can see the face, an image has entered his head. Dark eyes, a stern expression, but just sometimes a cute smile. Sort of ugly-cute. By the time Sungjong can see the face of the boy, it only serves to jog Sungjong's memory. Lee Howon, member of the football team. 

"You know, a couple of my friends are saying they think it's that you want me to break up with you. Well, I don't get it. But, if that's what you wanted, congratulations. Don't call me again, Hoya." She shoves his chest and marches away. Scared of being discovered (and of Bomi getting angry with him for being so slow), Sungjong scurries away. 

 

~.~

 

News of Lee Howon's break up with Park Choa spreads fast. Sungjong's surprised. He hadn't known Howon was that popular. Even Hwayoung's engaging in the gossip. 

"I heard she was cheating on him with Lee Sungyeol and Jang Dongwoo. What a ! Why would anyone cheat on a guy like Lee Howon?" Hwayoung sips on her vanilla soda with a sort of finality - there is no reason why anyone would cheat on a guy like Howon, in her humble opinion. Sungjong arches an eyebrow, still pushing chunks of fried chicken around his plate. 

"Why do you say that?" he asks. 

"Are you kidding me?" Bomi butts in from the other side of the lunch table, mouth full of rice and kimchi. "Howon-sunbae's cool. He's gentlemanly and handsome and hardworking." 

"And not afraid to show his affection," Hwayoung interrupts, "Like when he kissed her after the last show of On the Town last term. That was the sweetest thing, so romantic." 

The girls sigh wistfully. Sungjong does faintly remember that incident. However, he'd been distracted by Son Dongwoon in the role of Chip and how he seemed to be making up for an absence of acting talent with a tightness of trousers. Either way, the consensus at the lunch table is that Choa is a certifiable . Somebody cracks a joke about how weird her taste must be - choosing those indubitable oddballs, Sungyeol and Dongwoo - over someone as cool as Howon. Sungjong smiles and laughs along. He doesn't know what else to do. He remembers that argument he eavesdropped on. He's almost certain Choa's not a and Howon's not that cool. It's much easier to smile and be agreeable than explain that. 

 

~.~

 

It's always a pain to discern what tips them over the edge. One minute those guys are ignoring him. The next they're shoving him fully dressed into a cold shower and laughing as he squirms. It's regular though. Every few weeks something similar happens. 

Hwayoung and Dasom believe that Sungjong doesn't make it any easier on himself. They say he ought to give in sometimes. Then maybe the guys would get bored more quickly and leave him alone. Sungjong supposes they might be right, but he's not about to test the theory. No matter what these guys say or how they push him around, he can't bring himself to give in. He looks them square in the eye and spits in their face. If that makes them push him around some more, then such is fate. Idiots like that won't break him. 

Sungjong reminds himself of all this as he hurls insults through chattering teeth. Mostly all they do is point and jeer - mostly. Sungjong keeps his chin in the air because he knows how much better he is than these apes. He recognies the majority very well. It's a mix of guys, from his year to seniors. Most are from the football team, he notices and wonders what on earth got them in particular on his case. 

There's one who comes closer, a second year whose name Sungjong can't remember. He smacks Sungjong around and s his backside. Sungjong doesn't bite back a growl. He contemplates exactly how bad an idea it would be to try to headbutt this ape and knee him in the groin till his future fatherhood prospects are nil. A very bad idea, probably. One which would result in the er's friends taking the excuse to pound Sungjong black and blue. Nevertheless, Lee Sungjong does not give in. He tenses himself, ready to pounce. Cold water flows into his eyes, obscuring his vision. 

"Don't bother." 

The voice is rough, yet familiar. Sungjong wants to look but he refuses to shift his faze from the who is his primary problem. Even if he were willing to, his eyes are stinging from the shower water - he can barely see at this stage. Footsteps stomp closer and suddenly someone is grabbing Sungjong's shirtfront. The apes whoop in approval. 

Dark eyes are looking into his. Sungjong can just about make out the hard, square, stern face, belied by teeth chewing on his lower lip. Sungjong thinks that Howon's arm trembles as it holds him up. But Sungjong's shivering so hard from the shower still pouring down on him, so what can he tell. 

Howon punches Sungjong hard in the stomach and drops him. Sungjong can pull himself to his knees, but he's too winded to do more than that. He hates this. Bile rises in his throat. He feels acid in his veins. How dare these apes bring him to his knees? He absolutely hates them. 

"Don't bother with him. Now get the out of here." 

Howon stands over his as the others rapidly disperse. He reaches over and finally shuts off the cold shower. The silence is deafening with the roar of the water suddenly gone. When the last boy has left, Howon offers him a hand. Sungjong scoffs and slaps it away. He staggers up, digging his fingers into the grooves between the slick tiles. A flash of fear passes through the anger fogging his mind. For what purpose is Howon still here? What does he want form Sungjong? Naturally, Sungjong refuses to show his fear. He draws himself to his full height, standing proudly, jaw rigid, despite the shivers wracking his body. 

He opts to wait for Howon to speak. Now that Sungjong's vision is clearing, he's sure of it - the boy's biting his lip. Howon's face has lost some of it's sternness. It's still cold, though. Howon's still standing with his arms crossed like he's ready to tear something apart. 

"There are clean towels in the green cupboard at the end," he mutters abruptly, before turning and striding away. 

 

~.~

 

The next morning, Sungjong finds a cold remedy taped to his locker door. There's no note to say who left it. Sungjong downs the medicine - some vile concoction of ginger and garlic - and wracks his brain for a clue. Later, in the afternoon, Sungjong's strolling down the corridor with some friends when he notices Minho with some other seniors going the opposite direction. Minho catches his eye and winks at him. Actually, winks. His big, bright eyes and his perfect smile. How sunlight filters through the high school windows and caresses Minho's clear skin. Sungjong sighs. Even though he's sure it's stupid, he can't help but hope. 

 

~.~

 

The club is Daehyun's idea. He knows a guy who knows a guy who can sneak them in. It's almost time for end of term exams. Sungjong's been studying constantly with no visible improvement in his class tests. He's stressed and the club sounds like a great idea to him. 

In the end, it's him, Daehyun and Hwayoung sneaking out that Saturday. The 'guy' Daehyun kows turns out to be crew for the DJ that's playing that night. For a payment, he gets them in through a back entrance. The blast of the speakers hits Sungjong hard when the three of them step out into the main area. As does the smell of sweat and cigarettes and too many people packed together. He's not sure if he likes it, but it sure is exciting. 

Wanting to give Hwayoung and Daehyun some space, Sungjong quickly winds his way to the dancefloor. Here it's a mass of bodies, all too close. It's not long before someone's grabbing his hips from behind and trying to grind up on him. Sungjong pushes their hands away, never seeing their face, and escapes further into the crowd. The next time somebody tries to get his attention is relatively more gentlemanly. Someone tugs his sleeve and they seem to crash into each other. The other person holds Sungjong's arms loosely. Looking into the person's eyes once he's recovered his balance, Sungjong is too surprised to speak. Why is Howon staring at him with that uncertain expression?

Howon says something, but Sungjong can't hear him over the noise of the music. The senior rolls his neck, as if considering what to do. Sungjong thinks about snatching his arms away and making a run for it... But then he gets distracted by a bead of sweat rolling down Howon's strong neck to pool at his prominent collar bone. Prominent collar bone that's unhidden by the purple tank top and shirt Howon's wearing. Shirt that's ed over the senior's broad chest, sleeves rolled up to show muscular forearms... Sungjong silently curses his teenage hormones. 

Without warning, Howon pulls him closer to speak into his ear. His voice is raw as he struggles to be heard. 

"I just wanted to know did you get it? The cold medicine that time?" 

Sungjong's breath catches in his throat. Why can't his hopes ever turn out to be true? Howon leans back to look at him. Attempting to keep a neutral expression, Sungjong nods. Howon chews his lip some more. He's got that sharp jaw and manly features, so Sungjong thinks the habit is incongruous somehow. The senior mouths a word and leaves, drifting away through the crowd until Sungjong can't see him anymore. 

"Sorry." 

 

~.~

 

Sungjong has just bullted his way through a history exam when Dasom runs up to him in the corridor. Her hair is flying behind her and her schoolbag rattles with the assortment of toys and charms she's affixed to it. 

"What on earth is the matter?" Sungjong asks her with a smile - smiles are easy for Dasom. 

"Jongie, we need to talk," she pants, expression dower, holding on to Sungjong's shoulder to keep herself upright. 

They make their way to the cafeteria. It's filled with groups of students cramming (or pretending to) and no one pays the two first years much heed as they swing into the furthest empty table available. 

"Myungsoo-oppa told me something," Dasom begins, fidgeting nervously with the Totoro toy on her schoolbag. Sungjong an eyebrow. He doesn't want to know about the ins and outs of his friend's relationship. He prays this conversation isn't leading somewhere embarrassing. 

"You have to stop liking Minho," she finally blurts out, squeezing the Totoro in her fist, "Sorry." 

"What are you talking about?" he automatically bluffs with an affected laugh and a real blush. 

"Come on, Jongie. It's only me," Dasom counters firmly. Sungjong purses his lips. He's too used to denying he has a crush that he just did so without thinking. 

"Well, what do you mean?" he asks tentatively, not wanting to hear the answer. 

Leaning even closer, so she need only whisper. Dasom launches into her story. Her boyfriend isn't exactly a social butterfly, but he has a good friend on the track team. They were hanging around in town when they ran into Minho and a few other athletes. With no particular plans, they ended up heading to a noodle restaurant and talking awhile. A couple of the guys started making jokes that Myungsoo and his friend couldn't understand. Somebody apparently made an uproarious remark about a shower and Myungsoo got a bad feeling creeping up his spine. (At this point, Dasom pauses long enough to inform Sungjong that she'd told Myungsoo about the shower room incident and to check that he doesn't mind. Sungjong simply waves his hand that it's OK. There's no point requesting Dasom not tell her boyfriend every little thing. She wouldn't be able to help herself). After some cajoling, Myungsoo and his friend convinced the others to explain. Minho showed them a video. 

"It was you, Jongie. Some recorded it. And Minho knows you like him. He was saying how he can't believe this guy wants him and stuff." 

Sungjong's almost positive Minho didn't say 'guy'. 

"I didn't notice anyone recording," he mumbles. 

"You had more immediate problems, I'm sure. Oh, Jongie I'm so sorry." Her voice is full of concern and her eyes show nothing but compassion. Sungjong blabbers an excuse and quickly leaves. He can't handle her goodness right now. 

 

~.~

 

A couple of days pass. Sungjong's on his way home from his chemistry exam. There for fewer athletes out training now the semester's almost over. Sungjong spots Minho and immediately looks away. He makes himself smile. Because why shouldn't he? The golden sunlight of the early summer evening is spilling across the field and trickling through the green leaves on the rustling trees. Birds are singing. His tests are almost over. It's a beautiful day. Why on earth should he not smile? He hopes the bastards see. 

As his gaze wanders, he notices the soccer team and a pair of black eyes watching him. Howon's expression is soft and almost caring. It makes Sungjong's heart freeze for a moment. Then Nam Woohyun throws an arm around Howon's shoulder, whispers something in his ear, and Howon's face returns to its usual cold strictness. The senior returns to barking instructions at a group of younger team members. Sungjong has to question if his mind is playing tricks on him, if he imagined seeing that expression. He slinks away, unsure what to make of it all. 

 

~.~

 

It's a fornight into the summer holiday. Sungjong smiles when he goes out with his friends. When they ask him who he likes these days, he laughs and makes a crack about having found no one who reaches his level. He smiles with his parents around the dinner table. When they enquire what plans he has for his free time, he laughs and whines that he has so much holiday homework how can they even ask him such a thing. Sungjong is feeling exhausted again. That part he doesn't tell anyone. 

He messages Daehyun one night. That Saturday, they're back at the club. Sungjong keeps his eyes peeled, all the while telling himself that he's being stupid and what are the chances. Even if he sees who he wants to, what then? He's running with no plan here. 

Eventually, he does bang (literally) into someone, though not whom he expected. Nam Woohyun beams at him, still gripping Sungjong's arms for balance. 

"Ah hell, it is you! Awesome. ing... You just stay here, OK? Just stay. Don't move. Stay." 

Bewildered, Sungjong watches the older boy bounce away. He's never so much as waved at Nam Woohyun and now the senior is commanding him like he thinks Sungjong's a puppy. What in the world? Still, he's too curious not to obey. Therefore, he stays in that dark corner, far from the bar, trying his best to look at home. 

"Sungjong?" 

He's not sure if he heard his name puncturing the heavy noise of the music. He looks up, flicking his fringe out of his eyes. Howon is coming toward him. In blue jeans, a purple t-shirt and gelled hair, he looks better than the last time they ran into each other here. Sungjong is frozen. Part of him still wants to punch Howon as vengeance for that one incident. He knows that's not right though. 

Howon takes his wrists and leans close to speak into his ear, 

"Say you'll dance with me." 

Sungjong allows himself to be led into the dance floor. 

 

~.~

 

It turns out that Howon's a good dancer. That is to say, he's a great dancer. This confuses Sungjong because the guy's not a member of the dance club or theatre club or anything like that. Just soccer, as far as Sungjong knows. Plus, it's not like their dance club is useless. It's won competitions before and some of the alumni became idols or choreographers at well-known companies. Sungjong can barely keep up with Howon. His movements are precise and strong, powerful and fluid. Sungjong remembers once laughing with Dasom and Hwayoung about how Lee Howon was the ice prince of Busan seagulls. It's near impossible to reconcile that image with the boy he's with now - the boy who's lost in the beat, easy smile on his lips, guiding Sungjong along with a hand on his hip. 

After a few songs, Sungjong all but collapses against Howon's chest. The feeling of the boy's laughter vibrates through him. Howon slings an arm around Sungjong to haul him up a little. 

"Come outside with me, please." His breath is hot, prickling Sungjong's neck and the shell of his ear. Sungjong merely nods. When Howon reaches for him, he takes Howon's hand, not wanting to be led by his wrist again. Downstairs, the bouncer stamps their hands and they dash across the road to a convenience store. The fresh night air makes the two sweaty kids shiver. 

 

~.~

 

Howon blows on his coffee yet again. Sungjong smirks to himself, pondering why the boy got a got drink if he's so scared of burning his tongue. He sips happily on his latte. 

"Hey, I'm sorry." 

Sungjong realises that Howon's looking at him with a doleful expression and downturned lips. . It reminds him somehow of Brown, the LINE bear, making him giggle despite the situation. 

"About before? The punch?" 

Howon nods, seemingly perplexed by Sungjong's reaction. Sungjong exhales slowly. 

"I know. You said before. It was to make them leave, wasn't it? They hardly bothered me the rest of the term." 

Howon rubs his nape, rolling his neck around. That must be another nervous tick, Sungjong supposes, his eyes unconsciously drawn to the flexing tendons. 

"I was supposed to beat you up. After Choa-noona broke up with me, someone's been trying to... er, trying to spread a rumour about me." 

Eyes wide, Sungjong sets his latte down on the counter. He swings his stool around to face the older boy. 

"Are they trying to say you're gay?"

Howon, gaze locked on his ever-so-fascinating coffee, grunts what is probably a 'yes'. 

"Are you?" Sungjong mumbles, fidgeting with the cuffs of his shirt. 

Taking a deep breath, Howon answers firmly,

"Yes. Yes, I am. Nam Git knows, but he's the only one." 

Sungjong struggles for a second to figure out who Nam Git could be, until he remembers Nam Woohyun's stupid, fish-lipped, handsome face - throwing an arm around Howon on the sports ground, ordering Sungjong to stay put in that dank corner of the club. Howon's watching him, eyes hard yet a touch unsure. Once again he's biting down on his bottom lip. (And his lips aren't bad, now Sungjong comes to notice them. A little chapped, pink, expressive in his steel-cut jaw. Handsome, Sungjong admits. Ugly-cute and handsome). 

"You dance well. Why aren't you in the dance club?" Sungjong asks, changing the subject. It's for his own curiousity , but also to save Howon from talking about a subject that he's clearly not accustomed to discussing. Although, the boy doesn't seem much more comfortable with this matter either. His hands grip his paper cup. He finally takes a gulp of his coffee, wincing as it burns his tongue. 

"I live with my dad," he explains, scowling at the drink, "He has opinions about what a man should and shouldn't do... Dad wanted to be a soldier, like Granddad and my uncle, but he's got a problem with his knee. So just... yeah. I dance here. That's it." 

Sungjong takes a long sip of his sweet drink, taking in what Howon's told him. He can set it alongside the Howon he recognises from school. The Howon who's all grim expressions and stern eyes. The Howon who thought punching Sungjong in the gut was a reasonable way to stop those apes from bullying him. One thing he's still not sure about is why Howon told him. It was obviously difficult for the older boy to force the words out. 

"Do you want to go back?" Howon asks suddenly, drawing Sungjong out of his thoughts, "We can dance some more." He has a hopeful glint in his eyes, so Sungjong's tempted to agree only to make him happy. Nevertheless, he pouts at the thought. 

"Not really, honestly. Last time I saw Daehyun he was flirting with a bunch of foreign girls."

Howon's lips twist into a smirk. He brushes Sungjong's fringe out of his eyes. Sungjong blinks in surprise at the gesture. 

"In that case, do you want to get something to eat? You can message him where you are when he get there." 

Sungjong is blushing - much to his own annoyance. He squeaks an agreement and this time Howon's the one taking Sungjong's hand and lacing their fingers together. Coffees abandoned, they traipse down to a street full of food stalls nearby. Their arms brush. Their lungs are full of the cool, clear night air. In a corner of his mind, Sungjong wonders if he and Howon will talk again. Will anything exist between them beyond tonight? While they walk together, other night revellers around them and different songs blaring from every shop, it's hard to imagine that anything at all exists beyond tonight. Then Sungjong smiles because the whole world is the life around them and the warmth of Howon's hand holding his. 

 

 

XXX

Welp. Dat ending x__x;;  Apologies to Shinee fans for making Minho the bad guy. I just needed someone with a similar age, whose appearance would contrast with Hoya's. Anyhoo, hope you enjoyed it, Anon~