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November 25^th  
Today we kissed for the first time and I couldn’t stop smiling as our lips were touching.

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

January 21^st
You came over in the middle of the night to tell me that you wanted to go out. You looked upset but I bit my tongue, not asking you why you were. I knew that you hated to talk about your issues so I pretended I didn’t notice. Although I wish I was brave enough to bring it up.

 

 

 

                                                 

 

 

 

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February 14^th
Valentine’s Day was today.
You said that I was a killjoy for not participating in the cheesiest day of the year. I sat stubbornly by my tableside, ignoring the sounds of your nagging. When you noticed I wasn’t listening, you took out the speakers and blasted the radio. You shrieked as the melody of “Love Someone” by Jason Mraz entered through the speakers. The volume went up by a couple notches while you urgently rushed me to dance with you. I was reluctant because I wasn’t much of a dancer. You said “Neither was I.”

But you’re such a liar. You danced like it was prom and you were crowned as prom king. The soothing voice set as background as you laid your head on my chest. We swayed around with my hands on your waist and your small hands enveloped loosely around my neck and the world paused for a couple minutes. “This should be our song,” you whispered.

And I—who was hoping you were oblivious to the thumping sounds of my heart—nodded dumbly.

When you love someone, your heartbeat beats so loud. Yes Jason Mraz, I completely agree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

March 25^th
We dated for more than six months and knew each other since we were teenagers, yet you were still insecure. About yourself. About us.

I was patience when you explained, although the perceptions you have about yourself made me frustrated. Once you finished, I sat you down and described in details about the things that shone brightly within you. The qualities that were overshadowed by your own views.

I wish you could see yourself in my eyes, because you would probably fall in love with yourself too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

April 2^nd
Seven months and eight days and you finally confessed that you loved me.

I was breathless. I thought I might have imagined it because it came most unexpectedly. During my drive to your house to drop you off, those three words escaped your lips and lingered in the air. Then again, there was no specific universal rule to say “I love you” to someone.

I wondered about the things you were thinking before it lead to those three words.

Did you think about the times we kiss?

Did you imagine our future?

Did you walk through our memories in your head?

I was always bothered by the fact that you had never told me you loved me once before today. It caused me to feel like I was the one who loved more between both of us. But I think, possibly, that you’re quickly catching up to my pace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

April 16^th
Here’s a draft for my 6th apology voicemail: I’m sorry I scared you when you were cooking and made you drop the plates on the ground, which also explained the tomato sauce stain on your shirt. I’ll get you a new shirt. And new plates. And bandages for your fingers. I’m sorry you cut your fingers.

But you were too persistent to let me pick up the broken fragments of the plates for you. Fine, it’s still mostly my fault because I started it and triggered your anger. I’ll even cook dinner for a week to make it up to you. I’m sorry so please please please please answer my calls and messages.

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

May 28^th
We found a place to move in and it had been a week since we lived in the same place. And I started to make a list of reasons why I am beginning to regret my decision.

1.) You leave your stuff cluttered everywhere though it’s not a surprised (ex. your old place)
2.) Please pick up your shoes. What is the purpose of a shoe rack if you don’t use it? My back is going to snap in half if I keep crouching down to put your shoes where they belong.
3.) You snore too loud.
4.) You take too long taking a shower in the bathroom.
5.) You take too long getting ready in the bathroom (I was almost late for the 3^rd time today)
6.) You don’t let me use the bathroom first because of “I’m older than you” privilege. You’re only older by six months. Goddamn.

I also made a list of reasons why I do not regret my decision to move in with you.

1.) I get to wake up to your stupid face.

 

 

 

 

 

---

August 3^rd
You hadn’t eaten a lot lately and I’d lie if I said that change didn’t worry me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

August 11^th
I confronted you about your eating issue. You admitted that you were too exhausted recently and that was partially why your appetite shrunk as days past. I finally convinced you to go see a doctor and you made an appointment for tomorrow. I am equally as relieved that you were willing to go as I am nervous about the unsettling scenarios about the results.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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August 12^th (part one)
Today you came home with tears in your eyes. I don't know what broke me more, you crying or the fact that you were dying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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August 12^th (part two)
You used so much of your energy to cry that you fell asleep. Maybe it was your way of denying the reality of things. I hadn’t shed a tear since you told me. But right after I left to take some fresh air, it suddenly got hard to breathe and my emotions poured out of me.

I wish you were joking. I wish the doctors lied. I wish that you weren’t leaving me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

August 13^th
I hated when people quoted things from Twilight. 

I remember long ago, Mom used to tell me death happens for a reason. And today you told me that you were diagnosed for cancer. My hatred for Twilight fans didn’t even compare for my new hatred for Leukemia. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

August 20^th
You quit your job at the office yesterday. Everything seemed so official that it was beginning to hit me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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August 22^nd
The doctors said you should stay at the hospital to start your treatments. They also told you that there was a small chance you will be able to live if you begin early. You smiled hopefully as you spoke with them, but I saw through your strong front. Because deep in our hearts, we both knew that the possibility is slimmer than the size of your now, stick-thin body.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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September 1^st
You looked cute even with your shaved head. I made fun of you though, only because I thought we haven’t had a proper laugh ever since you broke in the news. Everything was too tense, too serious, and too suffocating. It was good seeing your smile again. I think know I’m going to miss it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

September 2^nd

I take it back. I got a day off so we could spend more time but you wasted most of it sleeping. That was totally uncute of you.

Your face was pale against the white hospital walls and it destroys me that you were healthy a year ago, heck, even a few months ago you were still bouncing and prancing around. Despite that, I could never blame you. I think these medicines were wearing you out more than they claimed to treat you. At least you were still breathing though, I’m grateful for these little things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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September 20^th
I woke up in the middle of the night and it didn’t occur to me that you didn’t sleep next to me at our place anymore. It . I already miss you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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September 20^th
I told you about the dream that interrupted my sleep today. I don’t even remember it now. I was only filling up the silence because I knew you found it strenuous to even move your mouth. I reminisce about our earlier memories. You couldn’t laugh and snorted tiny breaths of air instead.

I wish for more time for us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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October 18^th
I let you sleep in the hospital room and went home to get this journal. I was planning to surprise you and allow you to read it. Yet you left me with a sound of your heart monitor going off with one continuous beat in return. You looked peaceful so at least I didn’t have to worry about you dying a painful death. I stood there for five minute, not calling the nurse. I guess I thought if I stayed there for long enough, you’d wake up and tell me it was a very well thought-out prank. That didn’t happen.

If I hadn't leave, would you have stay?  

I guess you're never going to read hopeless entries I wrote about you. Haha, jokes on you, Taemin.

 

 

You're laughing in heaven, aren't you? Because we both know it is jokes on me that you are gone.  

Good one Taemin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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October 20^th
I never thought I’d have to go to your funeral at this age. They asked me to talk about you as part of the eulogies. I couldn’t. I’m sorry I couldn’t. I realized that talking about you in past tense meant accepting your loss. And I don’t think I’m ready for any of that yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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October 25^th
Your mom called me today so I could take our pictures and my belongings from your parent’s house back to our home. It’s funny how you have stuff hanging around there still. I remember sneaking you out of that window so we can go to quick Starbucks run at midnight.

I didn’t want to be reminded of everything but once I was inside your old room, every high school memory flashed into my head. You're so bad Taemin, you promised about a forever yet you leave me midway. We were supposed to spend our lives together until we look ridiculous with our gray hair and you would nag about how I don't look out for our grandkids. It's not fair. 

It’s going to be your fault for scarring me about broken promises. Just kidding. Please come back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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October 27^th
You’re not coming back, are you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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December 1^st
Mom told me I needed therapy because I hadn't slept and eaten properly since your death. I told her that it was not your fault I was like this. I told her it was grief that was ing me over.

Remember when we got in trouble for dropping those f-bombs in front of my mom? She didn't even yell at me for cussing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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December 3^rd
Today I went to the usual spot on hill that we used to lay down at and rambled about nothing and gazed at the stars.

I wish you were here. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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December 4^th
I ing love you and I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you

Please come back you bastard you can't leave me here and pretend I can pick up the broken pieces that you left behind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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December 5^th
I was drunk last night. I thought alcohol would erase a bit of you. I was wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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December 6^th
Remember how you made a big deal out of being born nearly 6 months earlier than me? What if I die 6 months after your death? Wouldn’t that be an interesting coincidence?

Okay, I can practically feel you frowning from above. Don't worry, I was kidding. The idea sure sounded funnier in my head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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December 7^th
I agreed to go to therapy, only because everyone told me you wouldn’t like it if I was still hung up over the loss. They kept talking about you as if they knew everything about you. It bugged me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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December 8^th
I read over my entries and I noticed how I only started to add in your name after you died. I began writing so it would be a nice thing to read when we get older and laugh about these memories. It’s unhealthy that I still continue to write to you as if you’re still here. I supposed it’s my way of grieving, blocking out the reality and replace it with what I thought was going to help me. I agreed with my therapist that I won’t write to you anymore because it only reminds me of you whenever I pick up this book.

Also, I visited your grave for the first time today. I know, terrible boyfriend, huh? I brought you flowers, too, to make it up.

I miss your voice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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January 20^th
I am okay. I think I can finally accept that you’re gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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May 25^th
Our song was on the radio today and I had to call in to skip work because my eyes became too red and swollen from crying for an hour. I promise I'm doing okay, it got easier to think about you. But you have to understand that you stole a piece of me when you left, and I will never return to the same Jongin from before without your existence here. 

I decided this will be the last entry. I'll keep thoughts of you in my head instead of recording them down on paper.

I genuinely hope you’re happy wherever you are.

 

 

Sincerely,
Yours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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there were many tumblr posts and fanfictions and movies and books that inspired this idea, plus it's kinda overused but here's my version
not going to lie i'm weak as hell and sorta cried during this ha ha .a. im a loser .. .. .hahaha... ty for reading!