I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I'm growing tired and time stands still before me
Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see

Frozen here on the ladder of my life

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

''How is your wound now, Eunji?'' It was Kim seonsaeng-nim voice which shrank me back to the reality.

I was walking around in the school's yard thinking and contemplating. Sohyun sat with one of our colleagues who asked her to help her in understanding a matter of math; she is good at that.

Baekhyun was probably sitting with his smart-phone or doing something similar; that's his life. And I really wanted some time alone.

''It's much better; thank you for your worry.'' I said quietly lowering my head down because I didn't want him to see my orphan tear crawling down om my cheek. I didn't know why it did, and I hated it.

The breeze tickled me kindly that moment when he approached me and patted my brown hair with his warm hand saying softly,''Take good care of yourself, Eunji~ You are a good person, but you need to be less reckless, alright?''

''Thanks, Kim seungsaeng-nim, but could you please stop pittying me because it hurts me even more?'' There is nothing I hate more than pity. It makes me feel as weak as a damn mouse. I have a human pride, too.

He released a slight laugh before stating,''I am sorry for hurting you, which I didn't mean to. Now~ I need some help in the library; would like to volunteer? I'll appreciate it.''

Now~ what the hell is this teacher doing? Is he trying to make me love him again; my love for him didn't finish, though. I was hesitant; to go or not to go, but this is what I call 'a chance you never waited but it should never be wasted.'

And I agreed putting on my mind one thing, that is I am doing that to stop tiring my mind by thinking, which leads to nothing but more mystery.

The task was easy and fun to do. I had to search for four English books which have the title of ''Brain Mysteries'', or anything close to it,  on their index. He said he needed them for a research he has started doing days ago.

The problem was that he needed English books, and I am not that good in English; I usually sleep on his classes or even pay very little attention when I am awake.

''Is this one good? Here is ''Brain Materials''. Am I right?'' I grabbed a book and showed it to him, and he seemed consealing his giggles. So I narrowed my eyes and stated in a blaming tone,''It's okay Kim seungsaeng-nim, you can laugh at me~ You brought me here knowing that I am not good at English at all, and still laughing.''

He drew a lovely smile on his face which almost melted me. Then he said in an apologetic tone,''Sorry! But you are the only one free to help me, and you are the kindest; they would run away if I asked any other student. And another thing~ I think I should write the title for you so that you won't mess it up with others, alright?''

I nodded, reached my right arm, and showed him my palm saying,''You can write it here; it would be easier for me.''
He was somehow astonished, but he then smiled and did what I suggested. He was so close to me that I could smell his nice usual scent, so I got blushed. As if a cool piece of soft silk touching my hot skin; that was what I exactly felt when he touched my hand.

But still...there was something deep inside me pushing me away of him; it was asking me to stop staring at him. What was it? And why? I just didn't know.

After almost half an hour, we finished, and I helped him to carry the books to his office. There~ while he was taking a last look at the books to make sure we got the right ones, I directly asked the question that I kept on thinking of when I was searching for the books,''Kim seungsaeng-nim~ does this topic do anything with the dreams. I had very strange dreams lately.''

He seemed to be concerned and looked into my eyes wondering,''Yeah~ somehow...what kind of dreams did you have?''

''I started to see weird faces in my dreams...I had seen before a beautiful and kind woman walking with me, and today another face of an unknown man appeared to me~ I really feel strange.''

''You must have seen those people here or there; it's seldom to dream of a person you have never seen in the real life.'' He explained and then got back to look at his books after I nodded and hummed.

Well, yeah! That approved my view. That man I saw in my dream today was familiar for me. I felt that I have seen him in reality before. 

Oppa told me about the woman...she was his ex-girlfriend, so I've seen her before when I was a child, but I might have forgotten her. 

However, that man was different. He just gazed into the distance with sad and dark eyes. His eyes were so unique for me, and I could see a strange white nimbus surrounding him.

I told Sohyun and Baekhyun about it early that morning, and they couldn't figure it out for me. They only suggested me to forget about it.

Before sending me to my class with a sheet of paper signed by him as excuse for me for being late, he thanked me very much kindly, and even promised to repay me saying,''To return your favor, I would go out with you for one time wherever you want...whenever you want. Choose well because it's your only chance~''

I was totally shocked and afraid; I started to get scared of any new and strange change in my life. Few weeks ago, this same man was rough and firm with me, but now he seems to be so easy.

''Could you please change this reward? I am not a solid girl who can control her feelings very well~ you know that I...-'' I wanted to alert him of that, but he cut my words.

In a quiet and kind tone he stated,''Eunji~ then let me do it in this way...come with me along with your friend to an orphanage. I have to go there to do some things. Then you can play with the kids. How is it now?'' He seemed enthusiastic, but I couldn't make up my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got home today, I found oppa sleeping on the cold floor without covering his body again. I like the fact that he is always home when I get back from the school, but that also makes me sad because he takes the chance of being alone to punish himself for that damn pain of the past.

I released a deep long sigh and approached him. Then I sat beside his lying body and gazed at his innocent face. I still remember those old days...when I was a chid; I was so sick, and he stayed beside me all the time.

Yeah! Whenever I opened my exhausted eyes, I could see him looking at me worriedly and even smiling. Those old smiles which are full of love were always my source of energy. 

Those eleven years which I spent with my oppa were my real life; the life that was full of love and peace. I can never imagine my existence without him beside me. It is not a normal love that I carry for him in my heart; it is just that kind of things that I may never be able to describe.

With my right index, I started to draw gentle lines on his small face. I thought it would tickle him and he would wake up, but he didn't move at all.

Even my soft kisses on his forehead didn't succeed in making him get up. The final solution was putting my head beside his and quietly sleep.

The next day, Sohyun and I were walking together in the school field. I was willing to tell her about Kim seungsaeng-nim, but I didn't have the chance to.

''Let's go to my grandma today; I feel really bored~ what do you think?'' That was Baekhyun coming from so far. He suggested, and we directly agreed. We missed her very much; and I missed her cookies more.

As we expected, as soon as we got to her house, she brought us a big tray of chocolate cookies which we are in LOVE with.

In the beginning, she was only taking some motherly glances at us while we were eating like little pigs, but then she couldn't stay silent and started her tale.

''I know that you don't like hearing sad stories, but this one is really worth your ears.'' She sighed deeply with great grief on her small eyes, which were surrounded by aged wrinkles.

''A very beautiful widow woman from another country was living happily. Then, one day, her only son was gone. She searched everywhere, reported to the police, and even advertised that on the press media, but she didn't reach to him.'' 

She released another longer and deeper sigh and bitterly smiled completeing her words,''Then she lost the hope to find him and unwillingly adapted herself to her miserable life with nobody~ no husband...no son. May god bless her! Poor that young woman.''

I suddenly lost my appetite and looked at granny with tearful eyes asking,''How was he gone? Don't they reach to anything at all?''

She slowly moved her head right and left stating,''No~ they regrettably found nothing...he was just gone as if he was never there. He went to the kindergarten as usual but never came back home.''

My heart cried that moment. It felt sorry for the mother, or it felt sorry for myself. It aches when all what you know about your real self is only your name...and it is not original, too.
 
On our way home, I told Sohyun about Kim seungsaeng-nim offer, so she got really shocked just like I did before. I also told her about his explaination of my dream of the strange man.

She commented,''So it means you have really seen that man before~ could he be one of your past? You told me that you have seen a weird woman, and she turned to be Seungho oppa's ex-girlfriend. Maybe...the same thing is happening here.''

''But there is a difference...the woman didn't look familiar for me, but this man is so familiar. His picture has visited my memory before. I just cannot remember anything other than that.'' I released a sigh.

We took a seat on a bench in the central park and decided to talk for a while before heading to our houses.

We spoke about Kim seungsaeng-nim and guessed reasons for his weird actions, but we reached to nothing.

The sun in the horizon was going down to hide its light and warmth, so I also started to lose those two. The coldness suddenly spread in my thin body, and the light of my smile disappeared. 

I decided to express my feelings and my fear which I hid for days. I wanted to challenge my weak heart and talk about the annoying thing that I ignored for long time.
 
''Sohyun, oppa is that dongsaeng~'' That was what I could only say before closing my mouth gazing at the orange sun, and my eyes got tearful for the second time today.

She doubted what she heard and asked for explanation. So I faced her that time stating in a quiet and sad tone, ''Seungho oppa is the one who kept sending messages to the weird mobile. I got a call from him...I stayed silent but heard him sobbing. My heart was in real pain that time; you cannot imagine how I felt. Yeah! I know that oppa had a pain from the past, but I never knew that he suffers that much. I had never saw or heard him sobbing like little children.'' I was sobbing, not only shedding tears.

She hugged me tight and cried with me. She couldn't reply, but she was there to listen to my wounded heart.

''I...love oppa very much, so I am really afraid now. Why did that man give me that damn mobile? What does he wanted me to know? I hate this feeling of knowing nothing...I feel like I am surrounded with mysteries here and there, and I hate it!''

Patting my hair was all what she could do, but it helped me a lot to calm down. Her motherly hug has cooled my heart and returned the warmth to it. 

Although I was there between her arms, I very much needed oppa's hug, I very much missed him, I very much hoped to talk to him and tell him how much I was in pain, but I just couldn't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was walking back home; I wanted to stay alone, so I left my friends and walked on the street.

The sun was spreading its rays to warm the people who were cursing it, and that made me think of this: what will happen if we lose the sun forever?

I won't get the warmth, calmness, and the happiness I need.

THEN...
 
What will happen if I lose oppa? I will... lose everything! 

I shook my head disapproving that idea, and I also hoped to wake up from that nightmare. I needed to feel the security I always felt beside oppa, but I have just lost it those days. Recently, I have just been scared and uncertain. And that was really annoying.

When I reached to oppa's house, I found nobody there. I searched for him, but I couldn't find him. I someway felt less scared; unlike the usual me, I liked being alone those days. 

I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes looking for some rest. However, that might not happen when I sleep nor when I am awake. Fear is chasing my weak little heart, and the life is hitting me here and there.

A sharp sound of moan has broken through my ears. I jumped up startled and directly moved towards the source of the sound, the bathroom.

I knew it was oppa. I knew he was punishing himself again by pouring frozen water over his body. I was totally fed up with that habit of him.

I knocked on the door angrily, and I shouted and cried my eyes out,''If you didn't stop doing that stupid thing which you call a self-punishment, I swear I will do something you won't ever like.''

I got no answer, so I got more irritated, rushed to the kitchen, brought some cold water and poured it on my body. As if thunder struck my weak bones, that what I felt. It was really painful, but not as much as seeing oppa doing that for himself. 

The cold water was mixed with my warm tears, and my body started to shake. I cried even more when I realized how much oppa suffered. He must have felt that frozen water was nothing compared to his fault. 

What was it? That is my question.

After some minutes, that pain was gone; I just couldn't feel it anymore. I closed my eyes and stood there peacefully. I felt so small.

''Stop Eunji! What the hell are you doing?'' He approached me crying out, and I stopped him saying,''Stay away~ if you come closer, I may kill myself. Please oppa; I am really feeling miserable now, so keep away from me.''

He obeyed. Gazing at my eyes sadly, he talked quietly,''I am sorry because I am your oppa. I know I am bad, but don't ever hurt yourself because of me. I am not worth it, my sweety!''

His sincere words boiled the blood in my arteries instead of calming me down, so I shouted,''I hate you! I hate you as you make me uncertain. I hate you as you make me stupid. I hate as you make me...hate my life.''

He deeply sighed, and then he quietly said,''Alright~ hate me now, but can you please calm down? You...''

I cut his words saying in a blaming and firm tone,''Please Seungho oppa, do not approach me these days; just act as if I was never here with you. I will do the same, too.''

I strongly wanted that because I was not feeling alright at all. I wanted to test myself; does being with him cause me all that pain and confusion?

He obeyed that time, too. He went to his room and left me alone crying. I didn't hate it that time because I wanted it...I WANTED TO CRY ALONE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many days have passed; I got no words from oppa, and I got no messages from the weird mobile. All what I did was sleeping in my room, crying, and contemplating like a lost child.

My friends noticed that but could do nothing as I requested. I begged them to let me alone to organise the things in my mind, and they unwillingly agreed.

Kim seungsaeng-nim has told me some days ago that he is going to go to the orphanage he told me about. And he asked if I agreed; I gave him a ''yes'' reply, so he appointed the weekend day as the day in which we are going to go.

I have called Sohyun early this morning and stressed on our meeting today. 

Like the last three days, I found the food table crowded with the dishes I very much like. A slight smile was drawn on my face; like a fool person I felt happy; like a naive child I felt satisfied. My eyes got tearful, and I felt as if a sweet thing was spreading rapidly in my heart. 

I remembered watching something like that on the T.V. Yeah! It was that emotional movie that Sohyun forced me to watch with her. The man has done the same thing when his wife got angry with him, and I have done what she did when she saw that table full of her favorite dishes every morning for some days.

However, the difference was this: I didn't get angry with oppa. I really didn't, but I just wanted to see myself without him; I just wanted to test my heart and mind. And I got nothing till now.

I actually became more uncertain, and I hated my life even more. Because I didn't talk to oppa, I couldn't feel less annoyed or more certain. Oppa was always my energy and my life, so I lost them both these days.

I ate as much as my stomach allowed me to because of two reasons. I wanted to show him that I am not upset with him, and I was really hungry. 

When I met up with Sohyun and Kim seungsaeng-nim in front of the orphanage which he assigned, he spoke with leniency and explained to us,''I am sorry because I didn't clarified the matter earlier for you, but here it is. I actually wanted to bring you along with me to here, Eunji, to show you the place you came from. In fact, I accidently found out that it is this...the orphanage you lived in. It is the one which you were in when you was young; I got astonished when you didn't realize that. Don't you know it...this place?''

I was the one astonished, not him. Why and how did he do that. Before asking him, he answered me saying,''Because you are a special student, Eunji, I've done all that. You need to recall your past and appreciate what you have now. I lived in an orphanage in my childhood, too, and I was adopted by a nice family. I usually go to that orphanage I used to live in and contemplate on the past years. I accidently found that we lived in the same orphanage, which is this one, but in different periods, so I decided to take you along with me to this place. Got it?''

I was really speechless, astonished, and confused. But I also wanted to hug him tight. He unintentionally made one of my wishes come true. I always wanted to go to that orphanage which I lived in throughout my infancy. But oppa refused as he said that I won't need to visit it. He said I have spent only five years at it since I was found in front of its door, so I won't remember anything.

We firstly headed to the manager, who seemed to know Kim seungsaeng-nim very well, and mr. Kim introduced us to him mentioning that I am the one who lived there before. Then he took us on a tour in the building. It was really beautiful.

Seeing the children playing here and there happily was a cure for my hurt heart. I imagined my young self there with them playing, I imagined myself crying on the bed at night, I imagined myself eating with them and giggling when somebody cough, but I couldn't remember anything of that.

''No, of course not. I remember nothing before oppa's existence in my life.'' That was my reply for Sohyun when she asked if I remember anything of it.

She didn't get it and asked more,''Really? Why? You told me that he adopted you when you was five. But how comes you don't remember anything before that. I actually can recall some of the events of the forth year of my life.''

''But I believe that some people do not have the ability to do that. It differs from one person to another.'' I answered wisely.

''Then...why don't you remember anything about Seungho oppa's ex-girlfriend? She was there after his existence in your life; am not I right?''

I got really uncertain and bewildered, and I didn't have the words or the time to answer her as Kim seungsaeng-nim called us from a distance. He asked us to follow him to the manager's room, and we obeyed.

There, Kim seungsaeng-nim asked me to feel free to ask the manager anything about my childhood. I was really grateful as I waited for that chance for so long.

''Could you please tell me how you I came here?'' I directly and quietly asked.

He scratched his head which was covered with white hair and smiled showing his aged wrinkles. Then he said after a long breath looking at some papers between his hands,''You actually was standing in front of the orphanage door; you were really sick and weak. We found that you had to go to the hospital, and you stayed there for a whole week. Mr. Yoo came to adopt a child; he wanted a young girl who is from 4 to 6 years, and when he knew about you, he insisted on adopting you. And he stayed beside you in the hospital for long days, so we found that he would be a good single father. Then he took you, and we supervised his way in raising you up for a period of time. And we stopped when we found out that he dealt very well with you; you are actually very lucky to get such a father. And that's it.''

WOW! New information. 

''Then I lived here for only a week?'' I curiously asked.

''You actually didn't live here; you were just registered in here and were directly sent to a hospital.'' He answered.

Oppa didn't say that. Why did he lied to me? Why would he do that?

''Was there anything with me? Did I say something?'' I asked again with more curiousity and interest.

''Mmm...no~ I don't remember anything like that.''

I lost the hope and felt totally frustrated. Again~ I was just getting words...nothing tangible to lead me to my real parents. But in the last moment, he stopped us, and went out for a while. 

Then he came back with a box; he said that it contained my things. 

After looking into it, he showed me a small piece of paper saying,''That's all what we got here besides the clothes you were wearing.'' 

I grabbed it tightly between my hands and read the short statement,''I won't be able to raise her up.''

The tears fell down into my burning cheeks, so I felt ashamed. I shouldn't have cried because I am good now. I have a great person who took good care of me.

I am lucky!

''Did you wash them?'' That was Sohyun asking while checking up the clothes.

''No~ We didn't.'' He, the manager, answered.

''Then why is this piece of paper creased as a chew. This usually happens when it is soaked in water...-'' Her words were cut by Kim seungsaeng-nim saying,''why are you making an investigation here?''

She slightly laughed and apologized, but she was right. I also needed to investigate many people to reach to the truth. I needed to know many things to reach my parents. Why my mother or father couldn't raise me up? Why they left me there in that place alone, weak,and sick? Why did oppa lied to me? Why...I live in this way?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finally have finished the seventh chapter; it is actually the tallest one. Things are getting darker but are going on their way to the light. I am sorry if I provide you with so many mysteries, but stay tunned because from now on, chapter by chapter, you will discover something new. 

Enjoy reading!

THANKS