An Inspirational Crisis

He is a musical genius, they said. He creates hits with a blink of his eye, they said.

Of course it was easy to believe in such well-meant and yet absurd compliments. Most people outside of the music industry however did not know that a good song was not always created within minutes, through a coincidental coincidence like the shattering of a glass that fell to the ground because someone was too clumsy at the studio and then 'Woah that actually sounded really nice! Let's use this as a new beat!'  and then scribbling, typing, testing and bam - a new hit is created. No, those were rather rare occasions. Very rare occasions.

Jiyong, whose eyes were even too tired to blink and who had accidently knocked down the supid bearbrick near his desk for the xth time now, would know. If an artist was not lucky enough to witness an inspirational coincidence, he would have to find the latter himself. And that could be unbelieveably hard sometimes. Sad past relationships, his current happy relationship, his trainee days, his life as a successful artist - he had had them all already. For this upcoming album though, he wanted something new, something refreshing. He wanted to surprise his fans with brand new results for once because he was tired of recycling his past hits, even if those were loved by the public. Jiyong was grateful for the appreciation he received for his efforts - but he wanted to show more, wanted to show his development as a person and an artist because life was development. Jiyong smiled. 'Life is development' . He had just quoted Youngbae.

The thin singer sighed, frustratedly tossing the pen in his hands onto the empty sheet of paper in front of him before he stood up and started stretching himself. For how long had he been sitting there? He did not even know anymore. Jiyong groaned when a particularly tense muscle in his arm suddenly ached as he made his exercises "Oh !" That was evidence enough that he must have been sitting there for a long, long time now. Hours at the studio and he had not created anything decent. Maybe he was just too tired, he thought. Maybe this month was one in which Jiyong's 'musical genius' hid somewhere, because, well, that happened sometimes. The singer pouted absent-mindedly. 

Where the hell was his boyfriend when he needed him?

He would probably be back from Singapore tomorrow. Jiyong glanced at the clock and it read 3:26AM. He groaned again. Tomorrow would mean waiting another 24 hours. 24 hours! That was too long. He needed comforting words that he knew only Youngbae could say to him, needed assistance and inspiration and that right now, in this moment! It was so frustrating, everything was so damn frustrating!

"Argh!"

"Babe?"

Jiyong turned to the door, not trusting his exhausted senses at first when he saw and smelled a probably freshly showered Youngbae standing there, eyeing him with an arched eyebrow that signaled that he was slightly confused with the way the thin singer stood in the middle of the studio, face burried in his palms, groaning and almost crying at the same time. Yup, that was indeed a worrisome sight to be greeted with.

"Bae? What are you doing here? I thought you said you would come tomorrow."

"I did?" The slightly shorter man crooked his head to the side, thinking. "I am pretty sure I told you I would be back on the 11th though."

"Isn't that tomorrow?"

"No, it's today."

"Oh."

Youngbae chuckled, closing the door behind him before he made his way towards his tired-looking boyfriend. "I should have told you at what time exactly I would be here.", he apologized, strong arms hanging loosely around Jiyong's small waist and lips pressing a soft peck on his forehead before he went on "You see I landed at like 1AM or something and when I got home and you weren't there, I figured that you would be here, so I refreshed a bit and came to see you right away."

"I see. You should have stayed at home though, you must be tired.", Jiyong said, telling him the biggest lie ever since he was actually more than glad and grateful that his boyfriend had come to see him. He hated himself for being so selfish sometimes but this was an emergency and a little bit of Bae's warmth was something he really needed after being locked up in this cold studio all day. 

"Why? Were you waiting for your secret lover?", Youngbae asked jokingly, playing the jealous boyfriend that he seldomly was since Jiyong was the one who was dominant in that department.

The taller man hit his chest lightly and rested his heavy head on one of the broad shoulders of his boyfriend. "Scratch the word 'secret'. I was waiting for you. I am so glad you are here.", he mumbled groggily, feeling how Youngbae pulled him a bit closer to himself, a sign that he was worried.

Youngbae's alarms were going off to the sound of Jiyong's voice. He sensed that something was bothering him and that it was probably more than just stress and exhaustion. The older male scanned the room for any evidence for his lover's strange behaviour when his eyes fell onto the desk and the empty sheet of paper on top of it, surrounded by three empty bottles of energy drinks and crinkly paperballs everywhere plus a pack of cigarettes that looked like it had come in handy many times. Eventually, Youngbae understood. He had seen this often throughout his years together with Jiyong. It was his boyfriend's famous inspiration crisis. It could be described as something like a parallel to womens' 'special time of the month', only worse though. 

"Jiyong? Get your jacket baby, we are going out  for a bit." 

"Out?", the thin man groaned, rubbing his cheek against the broad shoulder he was leaning on, "Come on, can't you just stay here with me for a while?"

"You need some fresh air. Trust me, you will feel better afterwards."

"But -"

"No buts.", Youngbae coaxed, pecking his lover's lips. "Come on, let's go."

He had no choice. He did not know how his boyfriend always managed to get him to do things he did not want to do but he did somehow, leaving the frustrated singer no choice but to sigh and grab his jacket.

And so the couple was walking along the Han river at almost 4AM, hand in hand, listening to the soft swoosh of the water as it danced to the rhythm of the wind. Youngbae had bought Odeng sticks and Tteokbokki for them (actually more for Jiyong who had forgotten to eat again) and there was something soothing about the comfortable silence between the two. Maybe his boyfriend had been right, Jiyong thought, it had definitely been a good idea to leave that suffocating studio and go out for a walk. The cold and fresh air that he felt on his skin, the heavenly taste of fish- and ricecakes, the sound of the wind, the nature. Everything felt so resfreshing that Jiyong remembered again what it felt like to be alive. It seemed like he had almost forgotten about this wonderful feeling while he had been immersed in work, but now he felt it again. And it felt good, God, so good! Jiyong smiled and clinged to his lover's arm, regaining his energy. 

Youngbae watched the thinner man's profile, much more satisfied with what he saw now: a small but gorgeous smile. The sight alone was enough to make the corners of his own mouth twitch, evoking a wave of relieve inside the shorter man. He was glad to see him this way after their encounter in the studio.

"Are you happy?", Youngbae asked. 

"Very much. Thank you, Bae.", his thin lover answered, hugging his arm affectionately. "This is why I love you. You always know how to make me feel better, how to treat me when I am down, how to help me regain my strength.", Jiyong raved, grinning. "I must have saved a country in my previous life."

Youngbae chuckled. "Hey, are you flirting with me?"

"Hm, that, too.", Jiyong giggled. "But above all, I am saying the truth. I cannot say it often enough actually, how grateful I am and how much you mean to me, I mean."

The both of them stopped walking, standing on a particularly beautiful spot on the river banks that allowed the couple to enjoy a marvellous sight of their hometown. Youngbae flashed his lover a shy smile, deeply touched by his previous words. He took Jiyong's hand again, led them to a bench he knew was nearby and made the thinner man sit on his lap as they admired the scenery in front of them. One of the best perks of being outside at this hour was definitely the fact that Youngbae could nuzzle Jiyong's creamy and sweet-scented neck all he wanted and Jiyong could enjoy it visibly without fearing the judging glares of the society they lived in. It was such a simple but romantic moment that they shared there and both of them realized then how much they had missed each other. To Jiyong, it felt as if a big hole in him had been filled with an incredible warmth, the warmth of Youngbae's strong arms, the arms that would always welcome him no matter what, the arms that were his home. The stage name 'Taeyang' had never suited his boyfriend more than in this very moment.

"Youngbae?"

"Hm?"

"What are we going to do about my little problem though?"

"You mean your inspiration crisis?"

"Yes."

The shorter man smiled, placing his chin on Jiyong's shoulder in order to make sure that his words would reach Jiyong's sensitive ears better. "Well, your first mistake was to lock yourself up in that room, love. How are you going to sing about different aspects of life if you keep yourself away from the setting of it, the real world, nature and people? A painter needs so see things before he can interpret them in his own way, a still life cannot be drawn without an object for orientation, for ideas. A swimmer has not learned swimming by dry training but by jumping right into the water. And with us musicians, it's the same. We cannot expect people to believe in empty words if we do not believe in them ourselves, if the words are not the product of real experiences and real feelings. We have made the first step, we have left the irreality of our studio and entered the biggest and most colorful  filmset, which is what you see in front you right now. Actually, it is a small piece of this gigantic place called earth but it is enough because it is already full of impressions to gain. If you open your eyes and watch carefully and if you close your eyes afterwards and let what you have seen sink in, it will be as if you had downloaded the whole scenery here. And it will help you to develop your ideas, develop as a person and an artist. Remember what I told you once, life is -"

"Development.", Jiyong cut in almost automatically, letting Youngbae's wise words and his sweet voice sink in the way he had taught him. He focused solely on what he saw right now, the breath-taking view of Seoul, the Han river and the shining moon. He focused on the way his heart hammered, realizing that it would probably beat so wildly even after six more years of a relationship with Youngbae. He focused on the feeling of warmth and comfort, of being home, of breathing fresh air, oxygen, oxygen that mingled with his blood and reached his brain and even more his heart. Jiyong noticed how various verses and rhymes started to form in his mind and he let out a heavy sigh - not out of despair, but out of satisfaction. 

Maybe his new song would have to be about love again. Still, it would not be another 'recycled' one. Jiyong wanted to show a facette of love that he had never felt with anyone other than his Bae. And he was convinced that it would turn out well.

Oh yes,his confidence had just returned!

"And that is how we gain inspiration. By connecting our ideas with new impressions and experiences. This is why you have to keep your eyes open wherever you go. And your heart and your mind, too."

To that, Jiyong just suddenly turned in Youngbae's lap and gave him a long smooch on his mouth that left the other almost breathless - in a good way. The thin singer giggled when he saw his lover's startled face and resumed by giving him a bear hug that the other returned chuckling.

"I think I was the one who saved a country in his previous life."

(EDITED: 13.2.14)