black colour font - present
gray cf - past/flashbacks

word total: 3,107

I sit quietly on the sofa, thoughts of you and me running through my head. The ticking of the clock is the only thing I hear, nothing else. I’ve spent hours waiting, thinking and hoping all that has happened isn’t real.

03:00 am, the clock reads.

Have I wasted all my time on a love that will never, ever be the same again? Was it even real before or just another lie?

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You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof's in the way it hurts

“Han Mira, I’ve never been so in love in my entire life. I promise I will never, ever hurt you. I promise to give you my all. I promise to give the best of me every day. I promise to stay by your side forever. I promise to love you always, because there will never be another you in my life. You are the only one I will cherish ‘til the day I die. I promise you that. I love you.”

Jongin tightly held my hands in his, while staring deep into my eyes. His smile never failed to leave his precious lips. It was the best thing ever. I could never wish for anything more than this.

I was speechless for a few seconds, and then came back to reality when he squeezed my hand gently since it was my turn to say my vows. Heh... that was kind of embarrassing.

“Kim Jongin, my love, I promise to do my best as your future loving wife. I promise that no matter what happens, I will be there for you. I promise to love and care for you through all of my days. I promise to be your happy pill always.”He lets out a small chuckle, “My love for you will never end for this heart of mine belongs to only you. I love you so much.”

I meant all of them. My eyes were getting watery as I thought of my life together with him. Oh how I didn’t want this feeling to end. I love him so much. He is so dear to me that I don’t know what I’d do without him.

After a while, we said our “I do”’s and locked lips. It felt so surreal at that moment that time seemed to stop. I’ve been with him for a very long time, ever since we were teenagers. I was so ready to enter the gates of a married life with love of my life; no regrets whatsoever.

I love you, Kim Jongin.

Every single word you and I said that day has been stuck inside my head for all these years. The promises that we were so supposed to keep; that you were supposed to never break, but you did. I would never believe it, but they were right…

Promises are meant to be broken.   

For months on end I've had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here

It’s 2:00 am and Jongin isn’t back yet. He said he was going to come home early, but where the hell is he?! It’s been hours and I haven’t received a call, not even a simple text telling me where he was and why he’s taking this long.

I paced back and forth around the living room, hoping he’d come home soon. It has actually been like this for the past few months. We’ve been married for 6 years now, but nothing like this has happened before. A part of me would always wonder…. Is he with someone else?

The thought of Jongin with some other girl brought tears to my eyes every single time. That can’t be... He loves only me…  

My heart felt like it was going to shatter any moment now, but it was only a thought. I’m just being paranoid, aren’t I? Jongin can never do such a thing to me. He loves me and only me. I hope this feeling ends soon, and I hope he would come back into my arms right now. I need him badly.

With the back of my hand, I wiped my tears away, hoping that they won’t fall anymore.

I know he can and would never ever… He promised.

Didn’t he?

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

“You’re such an !”

“What the is wrong with you?!”

“What’s wrong with me?! It’s you!”

So, today I had just found out that Jongin was cheating on me. How’d I find out? For months, I have doubted him. He came home really late a lot of times and sometimes I could smell perfume on his clothes, that wasn’t even mine.

It was a sign. But I didn’t want to come into conclusions just yet; I had to know the truth.

One day, I had called his secretary since he’s a CEO of a big company here in South Korea, to ask about his whereabouts. She hesitated to tell me at first, but when I demanded her to give it to me, she did. He was at a “business meeting” at one of the clubs in Gangnam. I drove as fast as I could there.

The security had let me in, since they know who I was and I had been in this club a long time ago before. I had asked one of the people there if they knew where my husband was and they pointed a room down the hall.

I took slow steps towards the door, and I noticed it was slightly open. I quietly checked the small open crack and to my shock, he was there with his business friends… but with a girl in his arms. I was frozen on my spot. This is just a nightmare, right? I thought.

What made it worse was that they had kissed with a lot passion. He doesn’t even kiss me that way no more. He held her tight in his arms as if she was going to get away. Why doesn’t he hold me like that anymore? I couldn’t stand it, so I ran and left that disgusting place.

And here I am now, arguing with him about it.

“It was none of your ing business! You shouldn’t even be there, god!” Jongin points out at me. Did I not have the right to go there?

“Oh, so, are you admitting you were cheating on me? Huh?!” Tears began to fall from my eyes as I remembered that awful scene earlier. It was something a sight that I never want to recall again.

His nose flared as if like smoke was coming out of them; his eyes red with anger. I don’t even get why he should be.

“No, you . You’re ing crazy! I’m going to sleep!” As he said that, he turned his back on me and went upstairs.

“You don’t think I know what you’ve done?! You’re such an Kim Jongin!” I yelled at him as I cried and cried. I walked towards the couch and then just lied down there; the memories of him and that woman keep coming back in my head. After a few minutes I knocked out.

In the morning, I woke up on my bed which was a surprise. How did I get here? I then realized there were arms wrapped around my waist, I looked back to see Jongin sleeping peacefully.

A smile crept on my lips as I stare at his gorgeous features, then I remembered the things that happened last night. I tried to get off his grip, but he held me even tighter. He’s awake.

He pulled me closer to him and nuzzled his head on my neck. I could hear him mumbling.

“I love you, okay? I would never do such a thing to you. It probably wasn’t me that you saw. I swear… You’re my only one. Please, forgive me already.” Then his lips pressed softly against my neck.

A small sigh had escaped my lips. A part of me just wanted to not believe in him, but then another part wanted to forgive him. And that was my heart. It was aching and longing for him. I couldn’t let him go, so I just had to…

“I forgive you.” I muttered softly.

“I love you, baby.” He said as he kissed my neck one more time, and fell back asleep. It felt good, but wrong at the same time.

I slowly closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

“I love you, too.”I whispered to myself as a tear slid down my eye.

Jongin had called me baby again. It’s been a long while but… I know I’m not the only one.

You've been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though Lord knows you kept mine

I knew it was hard to believe him. He said he wasn’t cheating on me, but he comes home late, drunk plus his clothes still smell like that darn woman’s perfume. There were even lipstick stains on his collar a few times.

Jongin was often busy every day and never has the time to be with me, not even for just a second. I remembered the times I tried to talk to him. I tried…

“Honey, do you-“ I was immediately cut off once again by my very own husband.

“Later Mira. I have to go to work.”

With that said, he walked through the door without even saying ‘I love you’ or ‘Goodbye’.  Is it going to be like this forever? I followed him before he got to his car.

“Drive safe. I love you!” I yelled out to him as he got inside his vehicle.

I waited for a response, yet there was none.

Again, another tear fell.

At times Jongin would be really sweet, and hug and kiss me before he goes off. It makes me smile, but then I realize that he doesn’t do this to only me. It also makes me confused whenever he acts that way; is he still cheating or not anymore? But then he goes back to his cold self.

And another thing is his touch feels different than the way it used to.

The pain never stopped knocking at my door, as my heart trembled in fear of what is to happen then.  I didn’t like how I felt; it was rather annoying.

Whenever he left for ‘work’ or a ‘meeting’, I would get in contact with his secretary, asking her if she had seen him. She would often reply with ‘but sir Kim never came to work today’. I knew I had caught him. I knew it was true.

One of his (and my) old high school friends, Sehun, started hanging out with Jongin again. He’s very sweet and like a big brother to me.

He had told me all about the girl my ever-so faithful husband has been with these months. I had found out that both of them would always go to clubs or wherever, Sehun would be there because Jongin would invite him for no certain reason at all.

I sighed. Now knowing why he’s been so unavailable.

I somehow feel like I have lost him forever. Physically, he’s here, but mentally he is nowhere nearby. And it hurts me, a lot. Another woman has already taken his attention… and his love.

I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough
You've made me realize my deepest fear
By lying and tearing us up

“I’m off to work, sweetie.”

Sweetie. He just called me sweetie. It’s been awhile since he has called me anything at all.

16 months, 69 weeks, 483 days, 11592 hours, 695520 minutes and 41731200 seconds has passed since the dreadful day that I found out the love of my life had been cheating on me, yet I’m still here.

My mind drifted off to the very beginning of this tragedy. But I was brought back to reality when I heard him calling my name.

“Hey. Mira? Mira?” He called out, and then proceeded to cup my face in his large, warm hands. Oh how I missed that loving touch of his, but now his hands are no longer clean.

I blinked twice and sheepishly smiled, “Oh sorry. Drive safe, alright? I-,” I hesitated to say those three words that were to come out of my mouth.

“You what?” He questioned, confusion written all over his face.

I decided not to and just shook my head. “It’s nothing, dear. Just go now, before you are late.” I forced a smile.

He raised his brow, but then shrugged it off. With a kiss on the cheek, he left for work.

I knew he wasn’t going to work anyways. I know his schedule by now; today is his date with his new girlfriend. Oh, how unfortunate of me.

As soon as he left, I went into the kitchen and brought every alcohol in the cabinets. Everything went downhill from there.

I gulped down 2 bottles of alcohol, yet I was already feeling drunk and all the emotions boiling inside of me. I’ve been doing this for months now, drinking and smoking and just losing control.

Does he even notice? No.

I even wore a lot of make-up today because I had been staying up all night waiting for him and crying out for him… yet he still doesn’t notice.

I had taken my 5th bottle and no I am not done yet.

Memories started flashing inside my head, those happy ones that I wish would happen once more.  Those memories that I wished would come back.

I would certainly go back in time just to bring everything back to way it used to be.

Then the memories of Jongin and that woman when I caught them having in his office came into mind. It was a nightmare.

“Ugh! Jongin-oppa! Harder!”

The annoying sound of that ’s voice keeps ringing in my head and it’s irritating like crazy. The way she moaned his name, and the way he moaned hers just makes me cringe.

“Am I better than HER?”

“ yes. You feel so much better. I’d rather even be with you than that .”

I cried aloud when I remembered that part. That awful memory haunted me every night. I slept even worse than before ever since that happened. It caused me so much pain that the person I loved throughout all these years would do and say such things like that.

My hand clenched my chest in agony as that image kept replaying. Make it stop!

He called me a ! He compared me to that good-for-nothing . Is that the reason why he’s cheating on me? It’s because I can’t pleasure him at all?

I tried to please him, but he never bothered. I’ve been trying for years, ever since we got back from our honeymoon. I tried in different ways that I could imagine, but it was always not competent.

I’m not the best at that kind of stuff, so maybe that’s a reason why he’s doing all this. But that’s not an enough reason why he should go out and some random girl! It makes me wonder if he’s been doing that for years now.

My body was shaking like crazy as I pulled on my hair with one hand, holding a bottle with the other. It didn’t get to me why he did this to me.

Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe there’s still something missing for all these years that we’ve been together. He didn’t even want to have a baby with me; according to him, we were still young but what about now? We’re both getting older, the good thing about it is the baby doesn’t have to suffer like I do right now.

I can’t keep going like this. I blame myself every ing day for what he’s been doing. It’s also his fault, but most of it is probably mine.

I was never enough for him. The things I tried to please him with weren’t sufficient to his needs.

The bottle that was in my hand was long gone.

I don’t know what was happening anymore.

A few hours later, I had cleaned up the mess, took a shower and dressed in neat clothes. He got home pretty early today.

Just like the usual days, we greeted each other, asked how our day was and then sleep. He never held me when we went to sleep… well, not anymore.

As I turn to my side on the bed, a tear slid down my eye. I’ve had enough of everything. I’ve had enough of all this act, like it’s nothing.

I’m done…

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You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

I wipe off the tears that fell from eyes as I’m about to stand up. I took the divorce papers and placed them on the coffee table, knowing that he’ll see them right away as he watches TV right away whenever he gets home.

My heart cannot take anymore of this bull. It couldn’t take him anymore. It had enough; I’ve had enough.

I took down all of our pictures; from the walls to those on the tables. I decided to keep them in a box hidden in our closet; he wouldn’t know they’re there. He’d find them somehow, they’re not going to stay hidden forever… just like all of his lies.

I admit, I still have feelings for him and it would definitely be hard to move on but then I have to. He’s already moved on from us, so I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I did to.

The cab that I called earlier has arrived, so I take my suitcases and a few boxes outside to the cab with the help of the driver. As soon as we were done, I closed the door to our house. I took one last look at it before getting inside and leaving forever.

I never thought I’d feel a lot more pain leaving right now, but I have to go.

On the road, I then recalled one thing Jongin said in his vow to me on our wedding.

“You are the only one…”

I snickered.

I was never the only one.