What if he hates me? What if he doesn’t want to be my friend? Or he is with me only because of pity? But at least he buys me things like Gucci! He wouldn’t buy expensive things to person he hates. Unless he hopes I leave him alone if he does it. Why can’t I see what he is thinking?

My room’s door opens and I hurriedly shove away the notebook where I have just been writing. Tall handsome figure enters into my room or better said into our shared room.
“Tao you’re passing out…again. Are you okay?” I see concern in his eyes. He has been asking this question a couple of weeks now. I’m more in my thoughts and I have become quiet or so he says. Somehow I’m happy because he cares. I have even thought to tell the truth to him but in the end how could I? How could I tell him I’m not okay and it’s his fault? Kris-ge, I have been odd because I’m scared you hate me. I really like you and I don’t want lose you. Kris I think I love you… My notebook has pages of those lines me telling Kris. I have planned whole situation many times in my head. Kris screaming to me or hating me. Kris telling everything to our manager and making me leave EXO. Kris smirking evilly and kissing me. Kris loving me back and accepting my never ending anxieties. I can never know how he would react because I have already decided not to reveal anybody those thoughts in my notebook.
 

“Tao…” I wake up from my thoughts when he calls my name. He looks even more worried so I just flash him a smile.
“Don’t worry! I’m just tired of our upcoming comeback and practicing.”  I don’t let my smile fade and he seems to calm. He steps next to my bed where I’m lying and he bends down to ruffle my hairs.
“Let’s go sleep then sleepyhead so your mind can also be present in tomorrow’s interview.” Even after light has turned off I can’t get his warm touch and usually scary but this once friendly face out of my mind. Maybe, just maybe he would like me at least as friend?

I know this is stupid… But I just can’t help but feel like this. I’m feeling so insecure now. That interview was disaster. I became jealously. I almost kicked Jongdae’s face. My wushu is danger to others!  I’m dangerous to others… And Kris probably hates me.

The morning started so well. I still remembered Kris and his smile from previous night. I think everyone noted my positive behavior. Kai even asked me did I get laid or something. That idiot thinks only dirty things… But back to topic, interview started like any other event we have been. It went so well before the interviewer asked question I hate the most. “If you were girl who would you date?”

I of course wanted to say Kris and in bottom of my heard I hoped he would decide me. Like all those entries in this notebook show I’m not usually hopeful with my and Kris’s friendship. I have always known if I hope something for him I will get hurt. But the thought of him caring about me was still there from last night. When Jongdae said he would date my Kris, I felt only little irritated. Maybe I really thought Kris would choose me and that’s why I get angry when he said Jongdae’s name instead.

Fortunately I have always been good at controlling myself or I would have done something stupid in the middle of those cameras and people. The interview approaching its ending and even my anger was turning to sadness. Why I let my guard down, I asked mentally for myself. I had always known if I don’t be careful I would get hurt or hurt somebody else. I was deep in my thoughts and when the interview asked me something I just answered yes to him. Only after answering I realized that I had promised to show my material arts to everyone. It was good I thought because I would be able to release my useless anger. I really thought it was good until they decided I would kick apple off top of the Jongdae’s head. Why Jongdae’s of all people?
 

I was going to refuse this whole thing. I would have done something else that didn’t put Jongdae under my anger. It would have go so well if Kris wasn’t disturbed me. Of course he was worried about Jongdae. When he asked me to be careful and not hurt him, I lose my mind. Other people hopefully think I was just showing off but I know my member realized it wasn’t like that when my foot flew dangerously close to Jongdae’s face. My mind calmed down after I saw his scared face. I’m monster. In the end it’s not his fault. Kris isn’t mine, never have been and never going to be.
 

Writing always sorted out my mind. This time wasn’t exception. I clearly knew what to do now. First I have to ask Jongdae’s forgiveness and then I should build my inner barriers again and forget Kris. Okay I know I can’t just forget him but I can at least act more normally and try smile and speak more. I don’t want make my band members worry. I was collecting my courage when someone knocked the door and walked in without waiting my answer. Suho sat to the bed in front of mine and locked our eyes. After a while of silence I looked away awkwardly. This was great. Kris didn’t even want to talk me anymore so he had sent our group’s mom to talk me.
 

“Do you like him?” His voice didn’t sound like it was question.
“You are really powerful Tao. Because your power you have responsibilities. You can’t act like that just because you are angry or jealous.” It was clear that he knew about my stupid crush. I knew my members weren’t idiots but I had never considered someone to notice.
“You sound like grandpa…” It was only thing I was able to say and probably not the best choice. Suho showed me against wall behind me and his eyes had very scary look. Maybe he has age issues or something. I let him calm down and when he let me go he even looked bit apologetic. 
“I think you know what you should do?” He asked after he had sat back to the other bed.
“Apologize…” I was absolutely not going to tell him other parts of my plan. He would just worry.
“Yes that too but I meant something else.” I really didn’t know what he should mean. Maybe forgetting Kris? Or switching rooms with someone even though Suho probably didn’t think I would do something to Kris during his sleep?
“You should confess!”

What would happen if I just confessed to him? Would we live our lives happily ever after? Can someone so perfect love me? I want kiss him. I want be with him but I would just make him unhappy. I know myself because I have lived my whole life with my problems. However he doesn’t know me. He sees just my cover not my problematic mind. If I let him know what I think he wouldn’t even be my friend.

I have been once in relationship. That one time showed me why I shouldn’t date. In the end she left me because of someone better and I can’t even blame her. I’m not meant to date. I’m person who hurts others and hurts himself.
 

I left Suho alone. I know I’m coward escaping him and running out of dorm. I panicked and now I’m out in the cold without proper outerwear. I should probably go back but how can I face Suho and tell him that I’m not going to confess. I’m forgetting where I am because I’m so deep in my thoughts. That isn’t safe to idol or to anyone in middle of night in empty roads. I try identify my surroundings and how long have I walk when I feel big firm hands on my shoulders.

My wushu skills act by themselves and I turn and punch owner of those filthy hands. My body settles in defensive position but after better view to that molester, who has fallen to his knees, he and his painfully grinning face looks very familiar.
“Tao are you trying to kill me?” Of all people I have punched Kris and even thought him as molester. Great, I just lost the last changes him still wanting to be my friend. Sometimes I just hate my strength.
“I followed you because I was worried something could happen to you. Apparently it however seems like my little maknae doesn’t need protector.” Kris offers his hand to me like asking help to get up. He was worried about me? I grab his hand but he bulls me in the ground next to him. We are sitting middle of walkway.
“Can you see the stars?” That boy has dreamy look in his face. Our fans think he is cool but I have fallen in love with total idiot.
“Kris we are in the city. You can’t see stars here…” He gives me hurt look.
“I’m older don’t deny my words.”
 

Only god knows how long we sit there watching invisible stars. Fortunately only few people walk past us and give us weird looks. When Kris jumps suddenly up I’m almost falling asleep already.
“We should go. Other will be worried. I said we wouldn’t be long.” He offers his hand to me again but this time I’m the one who is sitting. When I’m not sitting close Kris anymore I start feeling cold again. Kris certainly senses it because not long after we have started to walk back home I feel jacket around my shoulders.
“Thanks gege and sorry about this all.” He cares about me. How can someone be so kind? Especially after I punched him and almost kicked Jongdae.
“You shouldn’t leave without your coat! You will get sick and then our manager will be angry. You know our comeback is coming.” So it was however only because he is our leader. Surely I knew he looks after me because I’m part of EXO. It’s Kris’s job. Still it hurts. I should indeed hurry and build my inner shelters back. I’m idol and I can’t be vulnerable. I will just hurt Kris.
 

He is so sweet to me but he is sweet to everyone else too. When we are at interviews he will tell whole world how I have special place in his heart. When there are cameras around he hugs me, holds my hand and exchanges warm glances with me. It’s just fanservice I always try convince myself. I don’t mean he doesn’t hug me or be near me when we are at home but then he isn’t so warm anymore. The hugs and touches are more like we live together let’s get along kind of gestures.
 

Sometimes he says or does something that lets me wondering what I’m to him. Am I really important to him? It looks like he cares me. He listens to my worries and is first person who notices when something is wrong with me. When I think all of those times it really seems like he cares, but I still doubt. My personality is always been like this. I doubt everything good in my life and I know it usually leads me wrong way. Kris is my leader and I’m his dongsaeng. It’s his role take care of me.
 

“So here we are again.” Kris stopped outside of our dorm’s door. For a moment it looked like he was as hesitant open the door as I was. We had walked back to dorm talking about everything like the times before EXO had debuted and we had time walk around. After we open this door we will be busy idols again and can’t have time just the two of us. I don’t hate my idol life and Kris doesn’t either, but I miss those times when there was just me and Kris. We played basketball and walked the empty roads together without fear of fans seeing us. I miss it and I hope that Kris remembers those times maybe even misses them like I do.
“You should apologize to Jongdae.” He says before he opens the door.
“I know…” My words disappear to loud noises coming from our dorm.
 

Our dorm is always lively. 12 boys in same small house. I have always preferred quiet places but I have started to like this new way of living. It feels safe and even comfortable to know that you’re never alone. In the beginning I was always on my guard. I do material arts but I still hate conflicts so I was always trying not to be on the other’s way. I have learned to live with these boys and even arguing with them, but still sometimes I like escape all the noises. I don’t know how but Kris sees when I need peace. I can’t even count the times when he has dragged me out of dorm to somewhere quiet.

Does he do it because he likes me? Does he want spend time with me? Or is he just his usually friendly self? Those times are happiest in my life, even being in stage and seeing our fans isn’t as wonderful as it. Just me, Kris and place without other people.
 

Sehun is quickly at front door when he hears us coming in. His face looks first worried but when he sees me wearing Kris’ jacket his expression changes to smirk. I can’t even greet him when he has opened his big stupid mouth.
“So you guys are together now?” I feel the panic rise inside me. Suho’s motherly loving smile tells me he doesn’t mean any harm but it doesn’t help this situation. What can I do? What can I say?
“What do you mean?” I don’t dare look Kris when he asks his question. I try just send Suho warning look so he would stop but apparently K’s clueless leader doesn’t catch my message.
“I mean Tao was jealous of you and when I tried to speak him about his crush on you he escaped. Then you of course ran after him and were away quite a long time. Now you are back looking all lovey dovey Tao wearing your jacket and all.” He looked so proud of himself thinking that he was first one knowing about our dating. Well, our not real dating.
“Tao?” Kris’s voice was quiet and I didn’t want to see his face. The last thing I saw before running to my room was Suho’s terrified face. He had obviously understood that we weren’t together. I would have pitied him if he hadn’t just destroyed my life. I locked the room’s door after me. I didn’t want to see anyone especially Kris. I even put my headphones on and music loud enough to shut down all other noises. I ended up doing the only thing I was able to do, writing my notebook.

He knows. He knows but this isn’t any of those situations I have planned. I don’t have plan. I don’t know what to do. He knows. My life is over. I can’t hide forever here. They can break that lock any moment. Kris will shout to me or even worse ignore me.
 

I open the door carefully not letting any sounds. I woke up earlier than others would just so I can take shower and luckily not see Kris in this morning. I didn’t come up with other plans than avoiding him. I’m sneaking out of my room when my foot hits something warm and soft. It’s Kris. Kris is sleeping in the floor next to our room’s door. Why is he sleeping here? Didn’t anyone let him sleep in their room? But then he would have slept in the sofa. Then why is he here? Maybe he just wants talk with me. Or probably not who would like to talk with their friend who have had secret crush on them… Maybe he then wants revenge? Oh my god what if he wants kill me! I try go back to my room but strong arm stops me closing the door. Kris’ sleepy figure appears to doorway and makes me back out.

We stand face to face but I can’t still find my courage to watch his eyes. Is he going to kill me or would he really be here just to talk? Kris isn’t exactly person who would just hurt people but you never know what others can hide inside them.
“Why didn’t you open the door last night?” His voice is angry. I’m dead. I can just back off until I’m against the wall. Kris just approaches me slowly step by step. Soon he’s going to shout to me maybe even hit me. Angry people are scary you can never know what they do next. I wait and stare Kris’ legs until them are next to mine. Should I close my eyes or take everything is going to happen eyes open. I’m stronger than Kris and I would easily just push him out of my way and run, but he has every right to be angry. This is my fault. I’m the one who has feelings to his band mate not him. I can’t hurt him I still love him.

“Tao…” We have been there in silence for a moment. He still stands in front of me.
“Tao…” Why doesn’t his voice sound angry? It’s more like loving.
“Tao…” I warily raise my eyes hoping his face would tell me what he is thinking. When our eyes meet I can see small smile appearing to his face then his lips are on mine. My world and every worry disappear for a moment. There is just Kris and me. Kris and I kissing. The moment is over as fast as it started but Kris’ smile doesn’t disappear.
“You are idiot Tao.”
 

His lips are so soft… He sleeps next to me in my bed. He kissed me again before falling asleep. He didn’t explain anything to me. He just kissed me. Does this mean he likes me back? He likes me more than as friend? After our first kiss he just said we should sleep some more before morning. What if he doesn’t like me? What was that kiss? It was perfect… But it made me fall in love even more with him! Why he didn’t say anything after it… Just pulled me to my bed and kissed once before pressing me to his firm embrace. Here he is still cuddling me and making my writing really hard.
 

I feel someone next to me in my bed and panic before I remember what happened before I fell asleep. Kris sensed my sudden frightening and his hand ruffles my hair. I give in to my urge and glance his sleepy morning face. It’s the third time when he kisses me. If it depended on me I would kiss him all day long. Kris has soft lips that don’t fit his rough image or goofy personality. Cold hand finds its way under my shirt and makes me shiver. This moment is perfect. I forget everything including my own name. There is just Kris. Kris’ lips and Kris’ hands.
 

My whole body screams for Kris until I’m pulled to the reality by sharp knock on door. Kris seems to be as out of this world as I am. Kyungsoo’s evil little face peeks us behind the now half open door. His smirk is wider than usually. Probably because we’re on the same bed and warm hand under my shirt.
“Hyung you owe me!” Kai’s face peeks behind Kyungsoo and he seems to be very proud of himself.
“No… They still have clothes on! So you owe me.” Those two gaze each other challengingly before my pillow lands in the middle of them.
“Out! You two out here before I do something I don’t regret but you will.” Kris’ threatening voice makes poor duo run for their dear lives.
“They would have done it if you hadn’t interrupted! You evil thing!” I can hear Kai’s shouting even though they have escaped to the other side of our dorm. Great, now probably everybody knows. And I don’t even know what they know. Do they think we are together? Are we? What if Kris doesn’t want?
 

Kris gives me one more kiss before he drags himself to shower. I want short out my still confused mind so I decide to write. I look for my notebook and I’m sure it’s different way on nightstand than I put it. It’s weird but I really can’t trust my mind anymore if Kris is near me. I open the page next to my last night’s entry but it isn’t blank like it should.

To: my Tao

I’m sorry I read your diary or whatever this is when you slept. Do you really doubt my feelings so much? Your thoughts are kind of cute. I don’t mean it’s cute when you are hurt and in pain, but you really think I don’t like you even if you are the person I have always looked. Tao. My Tao. I want you to know that you are really important to me. I want you to tell me even your silliest thoughts. I’m not very good at telling my feelings to others and you aren’t either. Our relationship is going to be complicated. Tao I love you. Never forget it! I can tell it to you every day if you want but now it’s here in your diary. Huang Zitao I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I love you and I will forever.
 

And I would appreciate if you get rid of this diary. I want you to talk me not to some stupid book. I’m not jealousy of book! I just don’t like it knows more of you than I…


From: Your lover and boyfriend Kris