11:30 pm

It’s a hard day.

A tall shadow is seen through the wall. A girl silhouette is standing in front of a mirror. She cleans up her body and wears her warm shorts and t-shirt. She cleans up her face, applying some night moisturizers to her pretty face. She massages her face softly, trying to make her face fresher. But it can’t help. Her doe eyes looks tired with two bag eyes which already popped out. Her new drama makes her eyes more miserable. She is sighing loudly, luckily no one’s there.

She slowly steps forward, making a close distance with her wardrobe. She is standing in front of it for some times. Her mind is rushing. Suddenly, flashbacks and memories creep out into her mind, intervening the reality and consciousness. She doesn’t know what’s wrong with her. Her lungs seem like don’t work, she can’t breathe properly. Her hands is reaching the wardrobe, opening the door. She looks at a jacket, her favorite jacket. She can’t run away. Her feet are stuck there as if it is rooted into the ground.

Her lips are moving, “Admit it. Im Yoona misses him”

            Her eyes look at the jacket vividly. Her hands try to reach it with a touch. Her fingers touch it carefully as it is a fragile thing. Her mind is rushing again. Their meetings on some occasions hit her head. She met him on some music events last month. She thinks he looked so damn perfect even though they didn’t talk much. She knows he tries to avoid her. But, something makes her smile. She remembers how he looked at her when she was an MC for a music award. It actually reminds her with their first moment in 2012. He also looked so good back then. They stared at each other for a while and then both were busy with their own things.

            Her hands are unconsciously grabbing the jacket. She puts off the hanger and looks at it carefully. Truthfully she thinks it feels so strange. He hurt her, and missing him is like the last thing she’d ever think about. But everything happens in a sudden. As if your brain can’t control your body. She wears the jacket, his favorite. She feels the warmth. She can smell his fragrance in it. It feels like she hugs him in a deep pleasure. She hugs herself, rolling down her body on to the bed. She breathes the remain fragrance.

“It can’t be. I cannot be like this anymore”, consciousness strikes back. But it’s too comfortable. She cannot resist the warmth. She thinks it’d be perfect if he were there, in her room, spending the night together. She imagines they can cuddle on the bed and talk about everything. He will sing her a lullaby. Oh, and she loves his voice, his soft and tender voice. However, her mind is rushing again. She remembers the news. Her members said that kyuline will go to India for a variety show, including the guitarist of CNBLUE, Lee Jonghyun. Yesterday she listened to staffs that were talking with Kyuhyun about this. Why should she care? He is not important for her now, isn’t he? She should be happy now, very happy with a new life and new boyfriend. But is she really happy? That thought fights back.

She suddenly sits on the bed, looking at the surroundings. She creeps down to the floor, sitting there like a desperate teen girl. Why it’s so hard to breathe? She thinks. Abruptly, she hears her cellphone ringing. She reaches it to see what’s happening. All the members send the news; Kyuline will go to India tonight. She looks at his photo taken by photographers and paparazzi.  It chokes her up. He will go because of his variety show, not for his concert. Will he be okay? She really wants to ask that question so bad. In the past, he usually told her his schedule. But now is different, even it’s so hard to say hello.

She slowly takes the remote, turning on the TV in front of her. She is changing the channels hesitantly. THAT’S IT! She watches the entertainment news. She makes the volume up. It’s true; Kyuline will go to India tonight. She can see Jonghyun there, with plaid clothes and shining eyes. Suddenly, something comes into her heart. A strange feeling. Tears stream down reflexively.

“I need to control myself. I need to control this feeling”, she convinces herself. This is so wrong. But she cannot handle this. It comes up naturally, as if she really wants him with her right now.

She turns off the TV, reaching her cellphone. She opens up her contact, searching for his number. She looks at it in a long time, doubting her feeling to call him. One message received, but it’s not from him. It’s from her boyfriend, asking whether she’s sleeping or not. She doesn’t want to reply that message. She is just too exhausted. She really wants to sleep. She wants to sleep wearing his jacket, inhaling his fragrance. Their favorite fragrance.