I have always been the happiest when I’m with Seohyun. Simple things like walking together, or sitting beside each other at the cafeteria. And in those rare moments when she allows me to hold her hand, i feel as if the whole world could go down in fire and brimstone, but I wouldn't give a damn. Some of our classmates either make fun of me or pity me, because in the one year that Seohyun and I have been officially a couple, we have never kissed, never gone out on a proper date, never got around to her introducing me to her friends outside school. Our classmates call me "martyr Yoona", but what can i do? I'm in love with her. I told her I don't care what other people say, that I am happy with whatever she can give to me. But in the times that I thought I’ve had enough, that I am done with her "I am not prepared yet, please give me more time" statements, she suddenly makes me feel that nothing else matters other than me. However small her gesture—be it giving me a piece of Crunch chocolate that I truly love, or just choosing to listen to my nonsense stories instead of burying herself in her books, I feel as if I’ve already won the lottery. I thirst for her attention so much, that I see the smallest gestures as giant acts of love. Like a beggar that is very happy when he receives a crumb of bread, I feel elated whenever she gives me even just a tiny bit of her attention.

I loved her so much, that I started to belittle myself.

Things like, "Perhaps I’ve done something wrong today, that's why she's not talking to me" always nagged me whenever she wasn't paying attention to me. Or "Maybe I’m too stupid for her, my grades are too low, and she just pities me, that's why she can't break up with me.”

Yes, there are times when I think that she’s tired of my stupid stories, my stupid jokes, but being the model student that she is, perhaps she just pities me that’s why she still doesn't break up with me. Like a dying dog kept alive by drugs, she was the veterinarian who was just waiting for the right time to administer the dosage that would put me to death.

Oh, and have I told you that she has never, ever said that she loves me?

I shower her with it every day. I’m a words person, and I do believe that actions speak louder than words, but words are equally important. So I tell her I love her every chance that I get. But all she does in reply is to smile (well, at least she reacts, I mean, it would be more devastating if she would just stare blankly at me, right?)

She was always with her books. Sometimes I tell her that I’m getting jealous of her books, that I wish that her books would take on a human form so that I could give them a good punch in the gut. She would then hit me playfully on the head (see, she plays around with me!) but would give me her beautiful, beautiful smile that I wouldn't care if she hit me with her encyclopaedia or whatever; I just want to see her smile.

Her smile just takes my breath away. It lights up the entire room, pushes away the dark clouds on a rainy day. But every time she smiles at me, I fear that it will be the last that she will give me.

I remember that rainy day when Yoona confessed to me that she liked me. I was going home from school, weaving through the umbrella-bearing crowd. As I was walking to the bus stop, I saw her, drenched from head to foot, walking in my direction.

I saw how she was shivering, so I ran up to her and offered to share my umbrella with her—because that’s how friends should act.

“Yoona! What, are you crazy? You want to get sick, now that exams are approaching?”

She stared at me blankly, then asked, “What are you doing?”

“I’m sharing my umbrella with you, dummy! You’re shivering!”

Suddenly Yoona grabbed my wrist. I dropped the umbrella out of shock, and we were both drenched in the rain.

“No… no. I mean,” she said, shaking her head vigorously, “I don’t want you to share with me. The umbrella, I mean.” She was stuttering, which was so unlike Yoona. I’ve always known her to be a fast speaker, so her stuttering like this means that something’s up.

“Um, okay then. But can we please just stay out of the rain?” I was shivering myself, and I didn’t want to miss my exams because of some cold.

“No, we will… talk, talk here.”

“Yoona, please, we’re both gonna get—“

“Seohyun, I’m in love with you.”

I grabbed her arm and started pulling her towards the bus stop. “Okaaaay, Yoona, let’s get to the bus stop first—“

“Did you hear me, Seohyun? I LOVE YOU!”

That jolted me into my senses. I let go of her arm and looked at her face through the rain.

“I… I don’t know when this started. I know we've been friends for a long time, but when I saw you with Yonghwa last week I felt like something new opened up inside of me. All those moments when I would marvel at how beautiful you are, how perfect you are—I just realized that I was already in love with you from way back. Way back to those days.” Yoona was panting hard, and I could feel my own heart hammering loudly inside my rib cage.

I didn't know what to say. I turned my back on her and ran.

I love it whenever she lets her hair down. When she studies, she ties her hair in a sort of side-ponytail, and I love that too, but I love it best when she lets her hair down. It means she’s not studying or doing anything serious, and that she’s going to spend time with me. You can say that I am like one of Pavlov’s dogs: conditioned and obedient. Or simply put, I am like a puppy who gets excited when it sees its master holding a puppy toy.

But those moments are rare and short, and I've learned to cherish them.

We would talk about random stuff. Always, I would initiate the conversation. She would laugh at the appropriate moments whenever I told jokes and asked questions whenever I told her random stories. She would also give the proper reactions to reaction-worthy statements—like “Oh my god!” for OMG-worthy moments or “Oh no” for Oh no-worthy statements.

It was always like this. She never went beyond that.

I don’t know what happened next. I mean, Yoona is—was—my friend, and her confessing like that shocked me. She—well, that’s another, I don’t know, problem? I’m not homophobic, I actually have a lot of gay friends, but never did I imagine—and neither could I imagine myself—being in a relationship with someone of the same . But when she approached me again a week later (yes, I avoided her for a week or so, because this is all so confusing) and asked me how I've been, I told her that I’m willing to give her a chance, that maybe we could work out, because I dunno, I think I like you too (?). I couldn't remember if I said my last statement as a question, but after I finished talking she had the widest smile that could be ever seen on a human face and her eyes were shining with tears.

I’m not sure if it was a case of miscommunication (on my part or on her part?) , or if I just didn't make myself clear, but from that day forward I became Im Yoona’s girlfriend.

Not that I regretted it. Regret wasn't something I felt or am feeling right now. It’s more of… fear, a fear of not being able to live up to her standards. She is my first girlfriend after all, and although I am good with academics and stuff, this isn't something one learns in school. I haven’t even read that much love stories to serve as my reference on how to act as a dutiful girlfriend.

So I act the way I always did towards her, just like how we were as friends back then, because I've read somewhere that to truly love someone means that you wouldn't want her to change. Or have I read the wrong book?

One of my greatest fears is entering a “label-only” relationship. You know, that kind of relationship where you have an appropriate label but you don’t act it out. Like, say, a master and his servant who don’t act like they are master and servant, but are just people.

Sadly, that’s how Seohyun and I are. She is my girlfriend, but I feel like nothing has changed between us other than our “label” has changed from “friends” to (supposedly) “lovers”.

I mean, as her girlfriend, it is within my rights to demand that she spend more time with me. To allot a special hour for me, and only me (not me with her thesis partners, or her thesis adviser). Or that she treat me in a more special way, that would single me out from all her other friends.

And oh, don’t get me started on skinship. That is one of my biggest frustrations—I mean, when we were friends I can freely hold her hand and hug her, now, she avoids my touch like the plague! What, does she think I’m gonna do something—something—not nice, not innocent to her??!! I would never do that to an angel! (Hm, maybe I've thought about it once or twice, but that was just me thinking! Acting on those thoughts is what’s bad! And I was just thinking!)

But I can’t force her to do anything. I can’t force her to spend time with me, or to treat me in a more special way. I can’t force her to hold my hand or hug me if she doesn't want to. Because I love her.

I just bottled up these frustrations, and feared the day when I would finally explode.

Yoona was always funny, but she became more fun when I agreed to “give us a chance”.

She never failed to make me smile. However gloomy my day is, she always succeeds in making me smile and in making me feel better. I love it when she smiles. Her smile is the widest in the world (I’m not kidding), and her eyes just crinkle up and they just look so adorable. I have never gushed over any celebrity or campus hottie—just imagining myself doing that makes me cringe—but with Yoona, I feel like I can gush over her whenever I want, and I wouldn't cringe one tiny bit. But I never showed it to her, I mean, she’d probably laugh at me if she were to know that I was fangirling over her smile.

She’s also so nice and patient with me. Like I've said, I have zero experience when it comes to lo—to things like these, so I really appreciate that she’s not demanding or pressuring me to act the “girlfriend part”.

But sometimes, whenever she looks at me, I feel like she is looking for something that she will probably never find in me.

I love her, I love her, I love her—but I don’t know why I resorted to this childish method of asking for signs.

Perhaps, it’s me letting the heavens take control of my fate—our fate—just this once.

I have never believed in signs, but I am just so confused right now. To let fate take charge means that whatever happens is not my fault. But is this a sign that I have already given up on her? That this—entering into a more-than-friends relationship with my best friend—is not right, is not what is best for the two of us? Should we have just remained friends, should I have just kept my mouth shut on that rainy day?

I’m not even sure if I love her already. Unlike her, who tells me those words everyday with conviction. I know she’s dying to hear those words from me, but I don’t want to tell her empty words. I want to be absolutely sure first before I tell her, because for me words have great power.

But how do I know if I love her already? (I can’t find any reference book for this…)

Will I just wake up one day with the realization that I love her? Or will I just feel it? But how…?

Seohyun gave me this keychain from her recent trip to Thailand with her parents. It’s nothing fancy, just a wooden elephant with a shiny tusk. Not that I was expecting something grand, but at least something that isn't obviously from the airport souvenir shop could have been highly appreciated.

I was itching to go back home from Thailand. Yes, I do love spending time with my parents, but after just a day in Bangkok I realized that I miss her already. We talked over Facebook chat, and even over the internet she never failed to make me laugh. But is this love already? No, maybe not. When we were still friends, I think I used to miss her like this whenever I went on vacation abroad. So this is not a new thing.

A week after Seohyun got back from Thailand, I lost the elephant keychain. I looked for it everywhere, even retraced my steps from school to our house and the other way around, but it’s just gone.

After hours of fruitless searching, I realized one thing: is this the sign?

“Hello?”

“Seohyun? Sorry, did I disturb you?”

I tossed aside my notes and stood up from my study table. “No, why?”

“Erm… Can we, um, talk? I’m uh, outside. Your house, I mean.”

What? But it’s eleven in the evening. What is she doing out there? “Okay… let me just grab a jacket.”

I silently tiptoed down the stairs and opened our door. Indeed, Yoona was there, sitting on the swings at the dimly-lit playground just across our house.

I smiled at her, and she looked down at her feet.

“What’s the problem?” I asked, sitting down on the swing next to her. The swing was making loud creaking sounds, so I resisted the temptation to swing back and forth and just sat still.

“I… well, you see…” I didn’t know what to say. I was at a loss for words. Should I just say it, straight out? Should I just hint at it, and just wait for her to realize what I mean? Being the smart student that she is, I’m pretty sure she’ll get it in no time. I looked around hopelessly, as though hoping that I would be able to pick up my words from the ground.

I kept silent, waiting for her to say what she wanted to say. She has been patient with me all this time; I guess it’s proper that I be patient with her as well.

Why isn’t she saying anything? Can’t she see that I’m struggling here? Aren’t you going to ask me if I’m alright?? Or is her mind already drifting to her books, those lessons that she needs to finish studying for tonight?

“Yoona—“

“Let’s just end this thing.”

I looked at her, unsure of what she was talking about. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, this—this relationship that won’t be going anywhere. Let’s just end this, Seohyun. You and I both know that nothing’s ever going to come out of this. This is too one-sided…”

One-sided… I fought back my tears. “Well, if you think that it’s what’s best for both of us, then… besides”, I add, still trying to fight back my tears, “I’ll be busy with preparations for my final thesis defense, so it’ll probably be hard for us to meet up and make time for each other…”

She’s talking about her thesis at a time like this? I clenched my fists, fighting back my tears. “So, yeah. I guess… good luck with your thesis?” I stood up from the old swing. She stood up as well, and from the dim light I could barely make out her face—but I’m pretty sure she’s looking bored right now, and is already itching to go back to her books.

Thankfully the lights were dim, or else she would have seen a single tear roll out of my eye as I stood up from the creaky swing. “So, goodbye?”

“See you around school, then.” I have to leave now, because I can’t fight back my tears anymore.

I approached her and gave her a quick hug. How many times have I hugged Yoona? Will I be able to again? I took a whiff of her shampoo, and swore to etch her scent in my memory forever.

As she hugged me, I realized that I will miss her vanilla perfume. Silently I swore that I will start using that, so that I can always smell her even if she’s not by my side.

As I looked at Yoona’s retreating back, all of my tears started to fall down unceasingly. That’s when I realized a sad fact.

“I love you. Please don’t go.”

When I got home, my younger sister was in my bed, snoring. As I was tucking her in, I saw that her fist was clenched over something. I pried her small fists open, and—out came the elephant keychain.

I sat down on the bed and cried.