The grounded crunched below Lana’s boots as she walked up the small hill, winter was approaching hard and fast and she could feel the chill in the air. The brown leaves had become solid and hard and were beginning to fall off the trees, creating a path towards the dark entrance. Lana stopped for a moment and adjusted the hat that she hat perched on her dark hair in an attempt to keep hair ears warm. Her dark brown eyes took in the view that had become second nature to her now as she pushed open the gate at the entrance. It creaked loudly as she pushed it open then she let the gate close behind her hearing a slight bang.

Lana gripped the lilies in her hand tightly and continued up the steep hill towards her destination wondering whether today would be the day she could finally meet him. Maybe today she would be able to strike up that long awaited conversation. Sighing heavily Lana stopped again and looked around and her eyes fell on the same man she would see walking about here for the last two weeks. He was looking at the ground, hands stuffed in his jeans pockets and hunched over protecting himself from the cold. He shifted back and forth keeping his eyes on the ground as if waiting for something. He was extremely handsome, Lana noted his skin seemed to glow even in the dark surroundings that they were in. Suddenly he looked up and their eyes met, Lana felt a shiver go down her spine as he stared at her hard. His eyes were blazing into her she felt her cheeks grow hot at being caught staring at this stranger. Quickly averting her eyes she began walking towards her destination again wondering why his one look surprised her so much. Her curiosity was peeked now as she wondered who he was and why for the last two weeks he stood in the same spot everytime she had come here.

Maybe he was the same as her unsure about how to make the first move to start that conversation, to open the gates of pain, misery and apologies. Lana shook her head as if trying to get rid of the memories that had started coursing through her head. They caused too much pain right now she just wanted to watch maybe then she would find the courage to start the conversation. Slowly she managed to got to where she had wanted to be and she stopped surprised to see people already there talking quietly. Lana stood frozen to the spot unsure whether or not to approach as she watched her mother and brother talking. She could almost hear the pain and anger in their voices, it scared her and she didn’t want to go there it was her fault you see. Her mother’s head hunched and she could see her shoulders shaking; she was crying her brother Jinwoon clutched her mother’s shoulder trying in vain to comfort her. Lana could see that her younger brother was crying too, he was too young to deal with this kind of pain. But Lana had never been strong enough to deal with it all; no matter how much she tried it was too hard for her stand up and protect the people she loved. Instead she got angry upset and caused more pain and chaos rather than helping anyone.

It looked like today was another day she wouldn’t be able to start the conversation; she backed away slowly then turned and began running down the steep hill she had just climbed. She was running full pelt until something came out in front of her, Lana dangerously skidded to a stop swaying slightly. Panting she looked up at what had come in her way, it was the boy from earlier he was now looking at her curiously. Lana clutched at her side trying to get rid of the piercing pain and took deep breathes, still looking at the stranger from the corner of her eye.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked finally breaking the silence

His voice surprised Lana, it was soft almost melodic she hadn’t expected his voice to sound so well sweet. She straightened up and finally made proper eye contact with the stranger and nodded.

‘Yes you just startled me,’ she replied still taking deep breathes
‘You didn’t seem to see me walking here, you were running so fast,’ he replied smiling slightly
‘Oh yeah, sorry,’ muttered Lana embarrassed
‘I’m Jay, Jay Park,’ he said introducing himself stretching out his hand
‘Lana Jung,’ she replied taking his hand

She was surprised by how cold his hands were, but she didn’t comment as he pulled it away slowly and stuffed it back in his pocket. He must really be cold, but it wasn’t that bad. Maybe he was one of those people that were always cold; Lana’s grandfather had always been like that. No matter what he did his hands and feet always felt cold.

‘So why do you seem so upset?’ he asked as he stared at her
‘Excuse me?’ Lana asked surprised
‘I’ve been watching you for two weeks, don’t worry not in a creepy way,’ he said laughing as Lana gave him a strange look
‘Well that’s assuring,’ said Lana laughing slightly
‘No it’s just I’ve been here practically every day and I see you walk up this hill but you seem to run back down it pretty quickly, as if you are scared of something,’ he said shrugging

Lana looked at Jay, he was a complete stranger yet here he stood asking her why she was upset. His voice showed genuine concern; there was something about this Jay Park that made her want to talk to him. His entire aura just seemed to radiate peace and the truth was she had wanted to speak to him herself but she was too scared to approach him. Lana smiled almost to herself as they made their way back down the hill and walked into a clearing and sat down on the bench.

‘I came here to see my dad,’ Lana said staring at the lilies that were still in her hand
‘Did you see him?’ he asked quietly
‘No, I was too scared,’ said Lana feeling the tears sting her eyes
‘Why?’ he asked
‘I don’t think my mum and brother would like it,’ she said slowly
‘Have you tried?’ he asked gently
‘I get there then I feel as though something is pushing me back, either it’s just something inside me or when I see my mum and brother this fear just manifests itself and I run,’ Lana said sniffing
‘I see, but don’t you think your dad would want to see you?’ he asked
‘Maybe, maybe not. I’ve not been the most ideal daughter you see,’ Lana said with a bitter laugh
‘What do you mean?’ he asked curiously

‘I got in with the wrong crowd pretty early; my dad was always away working so it was just my mum, brother and me. But when my dad came home I felt like he gave all his attention to my younger brother, don’t get me wrong I love my brother he is amazing. But my dad gave all his affections to him, being the only son you see. He’s also an incredible singer, got the best grades in school and the captain of the basketball team. So you see he’s the ideal child. Whereas you have me awkward, not pretty, not smart just the average student no matter how much I tried,’ said Lana some of the bitterness in her heart beginning to flow

‘I don’t agree with that,’ said Jay shaking his head
‘Agree with what?’ asked Lana
‘You said you weren’t pretty, I don’t agree with that. I think you’re beautiful,’ he said gently looking straight into her eyes

Lana knew he wasn’t lying the words he had just spoken where what he believed to be the truth. Lana felt her cheeks burn again and she looked down at her hands unsure how to reply to his statement. She heard him chuckle next to her and she looked up at him from the corner of her eyes.

‘Um thank you,’ she managed to murmur
‘So you felt under-appreciated, I know how that feels,’ said Jay scratching the back of his head
‘You do?’ asked Lana now curious about him

‘Yeah, all my life all I wanted to do was dance. I was selected into a group and I worked hard, really hard. The environment I was in was pretty hostile but I tried to get through it, but you know that way I needed a release so I said a few things I wasn’t proud off. I was discarded from that group, for a long time after it I felt cheated I hated myself, I hated the people around me. It was hard, but then I realised that I still had good things in my life, my family and friends accepted me mistakes and all. That was my wake up call, just because one door closed for me it didn’t mean that all the doors had closed. It was just time for me to find the keys to the locks and open those doors and I did. I had faith in myself my family and my friends and today here I sit stronger than ever,’ he said smiling brightly

Lana stared at him surprised at the positive outlook he had on life it was refreshing. The people she had always been around had always been so pessimistic about everything it had consumed her and made her this miserable individual. A person nobody that nobody would ever want to know or even get close to as her brother Jinwoon had put it.

‘I wish I could just say sorry to him you know? I honestly didn’t mean it,’ said Lana her voice crfacking slightly
‘Come on,’ said Jay standing up
‘What?’ said Lana looking at him in surprise

He had a determined expression on his face, as if he wanted to do something big.

‘Enough of just sitting here and talking, time for some action,’ he began walking up the hill

Lana ran after his puffing slightly, what was he doing? He was walking back up to the place where her father was.

‘Jay, I can’t,’ whimpered Lana as they reached their destination
‘It’s about time you do it, or else you will keep repeating the same day over and over again,’ he said taking her hand in his and moving forward

Lana felt herself move behind Jay slowly, as they approached the top of the hill, her mother and younger brother had left now, he moved aside to let her finally see her father. Lana felt her eyes prick with tears as she stared at it.

‘Appa,’ sobbed Lana

She fell to her knees and stared at the tomb stone the only memento left of her father’s life. The tears streamed down her face as she tried to recall the final moments of her father’s life.

Flashback

‘I hate you, you’ve never cared about me,’ shrieked Lana
‘Lana, I do care for you why don’t you understand what I’m telling you is for your own good,’ he shouted trying to grab her arm as she tried to leave the house
‘Every time I want to do something it’s wrong, never have you shown any interest in me why pretend now?’ she shouted
‘Lana, please listen to me,’ he shouted desperately
‘No I won’t now let me go,’ Lana jerked her arm free and ran

She ran down the dark street tears falling from her eyes, she could hear her father shouting behind her but she kept running. Suddenly a bright light flashed, car horns blared and she felt herself hit the ground. Groaning in pain Lana pushed herself up and realised she was lying in the middle of a busy road, people were screaming shouting. Touching her head she felt the warm blood against her hand, scrambling up she saw another figure lying in the road. She ran over to see her father covered in blood his eyes flickering, the last moments of life disappearing fast.

‘Appa,’ screamed Lana
‘Please, Lana I love you. Always loved you, you’re my angel,’ he whispered quietly
‘Appa please, don’t appa I’m sorry,’ shrieked Lana
‘I love you,’ he wheezed his eyes closed and he was gone
‘Appa,’ screamed Lana

End of flashback

‘I’m sorry,’ sobbed Lana
‘He can hear you, you know,’ said Jay quietly
‘Do you really believe that?’ asked Lana
‘Yes I do,’ he said
‘How can you be so sure?’ asked Lana
‘Because he’s right behind you Lana,’ he replied
‘Huh? What?’ asked Lana confusedly standing up

Lan turned around quickly and there in front of her stood her father, he looked younger than the last time Lana had seen him he smiled brightly at her. Lana felt her body weaken in shock and her father moved forward and grabbed her arm to steady her.

‘Are you alive?’ asked Lana
‘No sweet heart, I’m not,’ he replied gently
‘But then how?’ asked Lana looking between Jay and her father confusedly
‘You’re dead Lana,’ said Jay simply
‘What? Dead me? No I didn’t get hit by the car Appa did,’ said Lana unable to understand
‘When I tried to save you I managed to push you out of the way from the car the car that hit me but, when you saw me get hit you ran back into the road and got hit yourself,’ said her father
‘Then are you dead too?’ asked Lana looking at Jay
‘Don’t you remember me Lana?’ asked Jay

Lana looked at Jay intently and she felt something in the bottom of her memory coming to the surface slowly.

Flashback

‘Hey, hey can you hear me?’ the voiced asked
‘Huh?’ Lana murmured
‘He listen to my voice okay, don’t close your eyes,’ it said

Lana opened her eyes and saw the face of an angel; this must be what heaven is. His skin glowed and his warm brown eyes had so much concern in them. Under the flashing blue lights and the screams of strangers around her Lana felt safe. He gripped her hand tightly and kept speaking to her, kept telling her it would be okay. He wasn’t going to leave her side, to keep looking at him to hear his voice and his voice only.

End of flashback

‘You were there that night,’ said Lana the memories hitting here like a tonne of bricks
‘I was, I was also at the hospital with you and your mother and your younger brother do not hate you. They hate themselves for not helping you understand. All that anger and pain you have been sensing from them isn’t against you its anger they feel against themselves,’ he said
‘They don’t hate me?’ said Lana desperately
‘No Lana,’ replied Jay
‘Lana I never neglected you, you were so strong willed I wanted to let you choose your own path. I came from a home where girls were always told they weren’t allowed to make their own choices and when you came into this world I knew I never wanted you to feel the pain my sisters did. So I let you be, but you thought I favoured your brother over you, because he was dependant on me. You Lana were my strong child the child I felt would go onto do big things, but in my attempt to give you freedom I let you go completely. For that I’m sorry,’ he said regretfully

‘I didn’t know Appa,’ murmured Lana shocked by her father’s confession
‘It’s time to go Lana,’ said Jay quietly
‘Go? Go where?’ said Lana scared
‘You’ve been repeating this same routine for the last weeks because you’ve not been able to accept your own death, now that you have it’s time to move on,’ said Jay
‘But mum and Jinwoon,’ said Lana
‘They’ll follow you when it’s time,’ said Jay comfortingly
‘Could you tell them I’m sorry, that I love them and not to hate themselves for what happened?’ asked Lana of Jay
‘I will Lana, maybe one day we’ll meet again,’ he said sadly
‘Thank you Jay, you really are my angel,’ said Lana

Jay watched as Lana and her father held hands and began to walk together he watched until they had vanished. He made his way down the hill slowly and sighed sadly. What number was that? It had been twenty years and he was still here waiting for his chance, his chance to move on. Maybe one day. Maybe.