“니가 나를 잊지 못하게 자꾸 니 앞에서 또 니 맘 자꾸 내가 흔들어--”

"Stop, Kimkim!" my dance instructor yells at me while turning off the music system.

"You're doing it all wrong, Kimkim! Like this!" he says while demonstrating the “correct” dance moves.

"Like this?" I ask as I'm re-doing the moves he showed me.

"Ughh.. No, Kimkim. We'll work on it tomorrow. Get some sleep, and after school, you need to practice some more on the dance routine," he informs me as he leaves.

 

"He's finally gone," I mumble to myself. I've been dancing and practicing for 3 hours, and my legs are killing me. Well, y dance styles have never been my forte.

 

Let’s be real. Being one of the youngest S.M. trainees is difficult. And to top it off, I don't know any Korean, so it's difficult to talk and communicate with the other trainees, staff, and pretty much the whole S.M. building and the rest of South Korea, as if they would even want to associate with a foreigner like me.

 

I get up to leave the practice room. I gather my things and close the practice room door.

"Man, I'm hungry and thirsty," I say to myself. I reach into my pant pocket and pull out my money.

"Only 1,500 won? I guess water will do, but it’s not like I could’ve eaten anything this late at night with this crazy diet," I sigh. I buy myself water from the vending machine and look for an empty bench to sit at and rest. As I struggle to open my water, I stop for a while to think, think over my actions.

 

Why did I audition, despite the fact that there was a huge possibility that I wouldn’t make it? Why did I come to South Korea, risking my whole life in a foreign country at such a young age? Why did I decide and accept to become a trainee, even though I knew it was going to be tough, a huge struggle?

 

Oh, that's right. To leave my miserable life I hate. I hate the people who were once special to me, those who all me and betrayed me. They all acted like they cared about me, all acted as if they had my back when I needed them. But eventually, the truth came out. They never cared about me; they all used me, all betrayed me. Those people who I thought were once caring, nice, trustworthy are fake. It was all an act. I was confused as to why these people I trusted with my life treated me this way. I was scared to trust anyone ever again, scared to experience it all over again, scared to be thrown aside into the dust once again. I couldn't face this miserable life anymore. I couldn’t handle being surrounded by the people who made me suffer, being reminded countless times of what they did to me everytime I see a glimpse of their faces. So I left it all behind, seeking for a new beginning. Left them behind and continued to focus on pursuing my dream. To do what I love most, dancing.

 

I've only been a trainee for 2 months, and it's difficult. It's tiring. It's hard. I feel like giving up even though I haven't really started. But if I give up now, I will have to go back to America and live my life there. But I don't want to go back, back to where I felt miserable.

 

Tears start flowing down my face. I hadn't noticed them until I felt my hand soaked from the tears that dripped down. I lift up my hand to wipe away my tears, but there are just too many. Instead, I take out my earphones and ipod and turn on music to clear and block my mind of all thoughts. I turn to a song on my "kpop" playlist. The song I ended up using for my audition. The song that miraculously won the judges over. The song that I now cherish, for it has brought me to where I am today.

 

*flashback*

Originally, I was going to be dancing for my audition. I mean, I even practiced the routine for months and everything to prepare for this day. Well, some things led to another, and I ended up injuring my ankle with all those late night dance sessions. So I guess I’m stuck with the only other option there was left: singing.

 

"Number 4,893, please come in."

"Well, that's me," I thought as I got up out of my seat in the waiting room to go into the audition room.

“Remember, Kimkim, make a good first impression.”

 

"Hello, my name is Kimkim Dang," I say with a huge grin on my face as I give the judges a 90 degree bow. I try to sound as enthusiastic as possible, but apparently, it doesn't work.

"Mhmm," says one of the judges.

"Start whenever you are ready," she continues in a monotone voice, not even looking up once to meet my face.

 

I dig into my bag to search for my CD with the song I'm going to sing burned into it. I slowly hand the CD to the person operating the stereo system and walk back to the marked spot in front of the judges.

 

"Breathe in. Breathe out. Be calm, Kimkim. Be calm," I say to myself as I close my eyes to clear my head. I nod to the person as a signal to start the music.

 

And at that moment, I realized that I'm not ready for this. Too late now. The song has already started, and I have to sing in... 3... 2... 1...

 

“Easy come easy go, that's just how you live

Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give

Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss

Had your eyes wide open, why were they open”

 

I started to sing while focusing my gaze onto the judges, but I quickly shifted my eyes to the ground in nervousness and continued singing.

 

“Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, you did

To give me all your love is all I ever asked”

 

I slowly lift my head up to look back at the judges, but I am greeted to ducked heads and sleepy faces.

“Ughh! You're not even paying attention to me!" I mentally yell at them. But it's not surprising. Being the 4,893rd contestant out of the 5,000 people who are auditioning today, I can see why they are tired as hell and want this to quickly end, so they can go home. But still. They should at least pay attention instead of dozing off into dreamland. I continue to sing, but my words trail off and become faint.

 

" Cause what you don't understand is I'd catch a grenade for ya"

"Think fast, Kimkim! Think fast!"

My eyes dart into the direction where the music system is located. I quickly signal to the person to cut the music off, and he does surprisingly. This action makes the judges suddenly wake up from their little "nap." The judges look at me with confused looks, and they each exchanged looks and start whispering. Probably about me, right?

 

"Just ignore them, Kimkim. Now's your chance. They are finally paying attention to you."

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and start singing the first song that popped into my mind.

 

"미친거니

왜 그러니

이제 그만 나 좀 내버려둬

네가 보여 숨이 막혀

내 눈 앞에서 좀 사라져줘"

 

When I'm done singing the chorus, I'm out of breath. I open my eyes and stare back at the judges waiting for an answer, reply, comment, something.

The judges exchange a few looks and words in Korean, probably so that I wouldn't understand them. Finally, one judge says something, but something I didn’t expect.

"Ms. Kimkim, you may leave, now," he says pointing in the direction of the door. I bow, wondering why my audition ended so abruptly. I walk over to the stereo to retrieve my CD and leave the room while closing the door behind me.

 

Putting the puzzle pieces together, I finally understood what was going on.

"Great going, Kimkim. You screwed up everything. What made you think it was okay to suddenly switch songs like that in the middle of your audition? They basically kicked you out of the room, you do realize that, right? Kimkim, why are you such an idiot?" I thought as I ruffled my hair in frustration. "You probably ruined your chances. You've been waiting for this day, this moment forever, but then you go and mess it up! Now you have to wait until next year to audition again. At this rate, you will never make it in and become an idol!" I stormed out of the building, regretting what I had just done.

*end of flashback*

 

Apparently, I was wrong back then because look where I am. In South Korea, at the SMTOWN building, sitting outside, in the back, on the bench, sipping water that I could barely afford.

 

I hadn't ruined my chances completely because now, I'm living my dream. Well, sort of. I finally get to sing all I want. Dance all I want. And for once, I don't have to hear the words of those who never believed in me.

 

Tears begin to roll down my cheeks again from the thought of my past. Curse myself for being weak. Curse myself for crying so easily. Curse myself for trusting those people so easily. Crust my past. I shake my head furiously to get rid of the thought.

 

Without a second thought, I get up from the bench leaving my bag and belongings. I walk just inches away to go to a more open area. I then go to an ipod playlist "fast and upbeat songs." I take a deep breath and hit... Play.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A/N: First chapter completed!

After spending about 3 long, miserable hours staring at my computer screen and typing, I finally finished editing this chapter I wrote a year ago.

If it weren't for Jennifer forcing me to post this, this fanfiction would have never been posted. 

Despite how much I hate this crappy chapter and pretty much this story in general, it's now posted for all of you beautiful people to read. 

Depending on what you guys think about this first chapter, I may or may not continue writing this story.