“I love you Hanna”

“I love you too Jongin”

 

Truth is, I don’t think I deserve such an amazing man like him. It was never my plan to be touched, to open this huge castle door. But he was very persistent, instead of coming in through the door… instead of breaking through the tall barricade walls, he climbed it. I was supposed to be intangible, I made a vow to myself to be untouched, but somewhere along the way of knowing him, of pushing him, I learned how to tell my knights to put their swords down.

I myself was supposed to be a warrior, dreaming to be a princess…

But he made me feel like I’m the goddess queen.

Just how did it start?

 

“Call me when you get there” I said, bringing forth her luggage. There I stood in front of the departures’ gate with my wings. My wings you see, is not the literal wings in which birds need to fly. In a more metaphorical way, she calls me her angel. She tells me that: “Without you, my love, I won’t ever be strong”. If I am strong then she sure will be stronger. What she doesn’t know is that in order for me to stay strong, she’s the ultimate answer. The solution. If I’m her angel then she’s my wings.

“I’ll call you only if I manage to buy a new phone number, but I’ll iMessage you when I have a Wi-Fi signal okay?” she said and pulled my wrist, hugging me tightly. “Make sure you do your assignments and please take a good care of yourself. Visit Nanna from time to time, make sure she don’t take too much donuts” she reminded me strictly.

“Okay okay okay Mom, you’ve been repeating the same thing for 30 times already” I complained while breaking the hug. “Just bring back a lot of clothes from Milan for me, you’ve bought plenty of the souvenirs from there” I insisted and she gave me the ‘you-ungrateful-child’ look. We bid our farewells and she went inside the departure hall.

My mother. My wings.

Mom travels at least to 30 different countries every single year. She works as an event manager, which is the reason as to why almost half of the corporate people are desperate to have her as their managers. She has the creativity of Leonardo da Vinci, the mind of Einstein and the love of a mother. Excuse me, I’m exaggerating.

Heaving a sigh, I looked up at my wrist watch finally realizing I was extremely late for my class. “Urgh if only I can teleport” I muttered under my breath. Striding away from the airport, I drove myself to the campus which at least took half an hour. So by the time I got there the lecturer had started the class, unfortunately. Though fortunately I don’t have to hear his 30 minutes complains and rambles which is very annoying.

Before I went back home, I had to go to my volunteering work at the Central Hospital. I started working there a week after I came back here. It was a gloomy rainy day that I stumbled upon the poster and I signed up instantly. I never thought I would be a caretaker, what I had in mind was probably some cleaning job or something else. Anyhow I was glad I have to take care of 6 adorable kids that are going through life’s greatest obstacle.

They are too young, too innocent and too pure to not experience what life offers. Thus I decided to give them any happiness that I have left in me. The bliss and joy of what friendships are supposed to offer, just what happened to the society now?

Walking inside their shared room, I found them looking as dull as ever. “Okay, I’m here… No greetings? No hug? Not even a simple nod?” I asked putting my bag on the table.

“We want to go outside, baaaaaaaadly…” I heard Simon demanded. Simon is an eight years old boy who’s diagnosed with lung cancer for nearly 6 moths now. He may look young, but he’s a survivor.

I thought it would be quite bad considering the fact that Kevin will be having a surgery next week but majority wins so like it or not, I brought them to the park besides the building. Citizens might mistake it as the hospital’s park, but really, it’s not. I’ve always wonder why we like to assume things based on what we acknowledge them to be without investigating beforehand.

As we got to the park, the kids started running separately to their favoured activities. Simon went to play with the monkey bars, Mike went to the slides with Morrie; they’ve always been doing things together. Probably because both of them are diagnosed to the same illness that made them aware of each other’s feelings. It made them grew fond towards each other despite knowing how little time they have less.

Time. Just how much misery have it created?

But really, we can’t blame the subject ‘time’ itself. We should blame man because man alone measures time. Mitch Albom quoted once; “Man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out” and I do believe it’s true.

Kevin and Jae went to play with the swings, as I had asked him to not tire himself too much. Watching them from the side made me happy, despite going through obstacles that life challenges, it made me happy knowing I was the one that helped them.

I felt a tug on my sleeves hence I turned and saw Jamie embracing a football tightly. He looked up at me with eyes wide open, the corners of his mouth rising a bit. Jamie is the one I’m closest to, possibly because he’s the youngest and his parents are divorced that I felt a strong connection to him.

“Can you please play with me?” He asked, tapping his foot nervously.

“Of course Jamie” I answered him and giggled after at his adorable nervous acts.

We played for a while, passing the ball to each other continuously that is until I accidently used a bit too much force that it rolled away. Jamie who always have had a quick reflex ran to catch the ball as though his life depended on it. Whereas I was running to Jamie, whom my life was literally depended on. “JAMIE! JAMIE BABY STOP RUNNING! JAMIE WAIT!” I yelled, nearly screeched.

I saw Jamie fall helplessly to the ground as he was nearing the ball by the side bench. What I didn’t see was; me falling helplessly to a wonderful world called love.

A world I dare not participate anymore, not after what had happen.

The man who was sitting on the bench picked up Jamie and let him sit on the bench instead. My mind was filled on which ice cream flavour do I have to buy in order to make the boy’s cries stop. Exhaling the exhausted breaths of running as I reached the bench, I crouched down beside the stranger and looked at Jamie disappointedly.

“I thought I told you not to run right? Now look at you” I said and heaved another sigh after. Though what I said did not help to stop him, in fact his cries grew worst. Then the stranger started telling Jamie a story about Ironman in which I was quite surprised. Jamie is probably Ironman’s number 1 fan and I have no idea how’d he find out.

“Now are you going to cry again or are you going to choose to rise up and be a superhero like Iron Man did?” he asked, grinning.

“I’m going to be like Iron Man” Jamie answered him with a smile plastered on his face.

“Wise choice kid” the stranger praised and stood up while patting Jamie’s head.

“Thanks, that was actually pretty amazing. It was never that easy to make him stop crying” I stated as I stood up.

“Nahh it was nothing. Glad to help you by the way. I’m Kai” he offered his hand and I shook it. “I’m Hanna” I introduced myself with a smile.

We conversed with each other about how I was not originally from this place and I embarrassed myself by meticulously telling him almost everything. I think that was the start, because what I would never tell him is that, I felt it all along.

The butterflies…

The lumps in my throat…

The invisible sweats I get…

The goosebumps when he initiate skinships…

The racing heartbeats…

I felt it all along.

But I refrained myself from falling deeper because I was scared. I was scared that he’ll hurt me, I was scared that somewhere along the way of knowing me he’ll get to know how pitiful and how broken I really am. I was scared that he’ll be like them.

When he brought me to meet his parents, I was undeniably nervous and though I kept telling myself to know my boundaries and the reason as to why I refrain myself from the topic ‘love’, I can’t help but to flatter when his mother told me how only the people that he loves can call him Jongin.

Nevertheless, what he did next was what gave me an instant heart attack. Jongin is full of sense, he knows how to make girls swoon over him not even knowing he was doing it. And on that night, I told him more of myself without even realizing I trust him more than I should have. I broke the laws and the vows that I made years back because of this tanned man.

I’ve always love the smell of Heather Lavender, it gives me the enhancements of an independent soul that savours the pleasures of solitudes. What made me gave in to him more was the fact that he made an effort to earn my trusts. He knows. He knows that every single thing around me have a reason on why it is there in the first place. On my birthday, I feared that he forgot about my special day in which for the very first time, I could celebrate it with somebody besides my family member.

While waiting for him at the entrance door of the main building at the campus, I kept on telling myself that maybe he didn’t realize the date today, or maybe he was planning on something, or maybe he just have a short capability to remember dates.

Jongin came holding two cans of coffee in each hands, grinning like he did absolutely nothing wrong. As if he was not guilty of one thing. And that made me more furious knowing he hadn’t care enough to check the date on his phone. It’s a really simple task…

He gave me one of the cans and leaned closer, tilting his head cutely. “What do you want Jongin?” I asked him coldly. He asked me to accompany him to the dance studio in which at first I refused to, but after the pleas and the adorable gestures that he seldom do, I gave in.

The fact that he blindfolded me made me grew curious of what he was actually trying to do. Because number one, he knows I hate the dark and number two, he knew I was mad. But when he opened the blindfolds, I had to blink several times to make sure the sight sinks in slowly.

The mirrored walls were filled with hundreds of pictures we have taken together. The English Chestnut coloured wooden floors were decorated with candles. In the middle of the dance studio laid a picnic mat with two slices of cakes, a pizza box and strawberries dipped in chocolates.

He walked away towards the speaker and played a song, taking something that was hidden behind it after. I was staring at him the whole time.

“I tried to find daisies but your grandma’s store is closed today, so…” he said, handing me a flower bouquet.

“I chose those flowers because… you would do things randomly and we would end up rolling on the floor laughing our asses off. You are playful and you have this adventurous and sporty attitude in you; you’re like the pink Hyacinth. I appreciate every breath that you breathe, every nano seconds that spend your precious longing time with me. I appreciate the calmness in your soothing voice when you handle a situation. I appreciate the movie nights that we spend watching probably quarter of the whole movies ever invented. I just, I appreciate your existence; the flower of appreciation and calmness, Lisianthus. You told me the story of your past, and I can bet on my grave that’s not even half of it but its okay. Because underneath your angelic, alluring beauty, you’re just a lonely girl. The thing is, you savoured the pleasures of solitudes. You’re stuck behind that thick, tall, mighty wall that you build around your kingdom. Still, you dream that somebody, anybody will come and break that wall. I admire your strength, Hanna. I literally admire the years you took to build that barrier, because to stick those bricks by bricks together, it’s not an easy job to do. I admire you because you knew the purpose on why you build that wall, for protection… I am not going to tell you now that I am going to break that wall because I’m not some stupid bastard like that guy you told me that would suddenly come and break something that is already broken. You took years to build it and I am not going to put that wall to a waste. Instead, I am going to climb that wall. Sweat by sweat, bit by bit, brick by brick and I’ll live with you. By your side. In that beautiful kingdom of yours. And I’ll be your protector. So let me. The flower of admiration, solitude, beauty and protection; Heather Lavender. It also indicates that wishes will come true. Happy Birthday Hanna”

Speechless, I hugged him.

I gave him clues and he used it well. There’s always a reason behind everything. Don’t look closer, look what’s hidden behind instead.

So when I realized that he didn’t say anything about the Lavender Roses, it triggered me. I knew what the flowers meant, but why did he gave me the flowers? What was his reason?

Two days later, I received a mail. Not from my mailbox though, it was slipped into my house through the door’s gap. Therefore I picked it up, bearing in mind that it was probably from Jongin. He always find a way to make me smile so I thought this was one of his corny pranks.

I opened the letter as I took my sit on my couch, but what greeted me inside what something else…

You ruined my life, I’ll ruin yours.

Love,

Dad.

Short and straight to the point.

I grew more paranoid of what’ll come ahead. Will he do something to Mom? Does he know she’s in Milan? What if he do something to Nanna? Or her store? These questions ran inside my mind like a wildfire. And I became what I feared most; scared.