There is a level of selfishness in every decision we make.

Chanhee still remembers when she first met Junmyeon. She wasn't watching where she was going and had bumped into a firm broad chest. Looking up she caught sight of baby pink lips and wide, tender brown eyes. She had flushed then in embarrassment, mumbling apologies. Junmyeon had only laughed softly, Chanhee feeling the vibration through her hands that had somehow failed to let go after the trip. She loosened her grip then, and awkwardly tried to laugh the embarrassment away.

"I'm a clutz."
 
"And I think I may have a crush." Chanhee really did laugh at that cheesy line. How lame. How cute and lame.
 
Chanhee almost didn't recognize Junmyeon the second time. At least, not until she tripped (this time from having a few too many drinks at Baekah's party) and fell head first into a familiar chest. Except this time, instead of a polo shirt, it was a blouse smooth as silk, Chanhee might add. But it was the same face, the same smile that greeted her.
 
"Well, hello there gorgeous. Still learning to walk on our own two feet I see," Junmyeon teased, tone playful. Chanhee barked out a laugh, too tipsy to be embarrassed. She took in the rest of Junmyeon's attire, instead. The blouse was pale baby blue, black skinny jeans showing off supple thighs and a tiny waist.
 
"Not looking too shabby yourself," Chanhee giggled. Junmyeon's warm eyes crinkled at the compliment, face not showing anything other than the easy confidence that was Junmyeon's aura.
 
"Wanna dance?"
 
And that was how Chanhee's second meeting with Junmyeon ended, with both of them showing off sloppy dance moves that could only be performed when drunk.
 
So really, Chanhee shouldn't be surprised when she somehow manages to trip down the stairs and into Junmyeon's arms.
 
"I think fate is trying to tell us something." Chanhee snorted in an effort to contain her laughter.
 
"And what would that be, exactly?"
 
"That I need to take you out on a date."
 
"You don't even know my name." There was laughter in her voice.
 
"You mean to tell me it isn't Gorgeous?" Junmyeon said faking a shocked expression. Chanhee really couldn't help the peal of laughter that broke out from her then. Not even the hissing telling them to be quiet or get a room in the background could get her to stop.
 
"Chanhee. The name is Chanhee," she finally managed to breathe out.
 
"Well then, Chanhee, shall I pick you up this Friday in front of the courtyard?"
 
"Seven pm?"
 
"It'll be my treat." Chanhee didn't stop grinning even when the librarian kicked her out or when her friends commented on how creepy she looks with a wide smile. At least she had a date.
 
»
 
Chanhee was a student at a liberal arts university. She didn't know what she wanted out of life and she was in no hurry to find out. Junmyeon, on the other hand, seemed to have life all planned out perfectly.
 
Right on the dot, Junmyeon stood waiting for her in front of the courtyard, pink cashmere sweater highlighting the soft brown hair. Chanhee took careful steps to where Junmyeon was standing. She wasn't going to fall this time, not literally.
 
"You ready, gorgeous?" And Chanhee kind of wanted to comment how the only thing here really gorgeous was Junmyeon`s smile but all that slipped out was a choked ok. Smooth, Chanhee, real smooth.
 
Dinner was at a quirky little restaurant tucked away between the library and the shady second rate bookstore. How did I ever miss a place like this? The walls looked like someone thrown up buckets of paint in every color known to man. But instead of making people dizzy from the chaos, the colors all seemed to blend and fade into each other, cool blue transforming into a soft orange. Chanhee liked it. Liked the disorder in the backdrop with Junmyeon, so put together, at the forefront.
 
The food turned out to be just as quirky, Junmyeon's pancakes a bright green and Chanhee's salmon a bright fiery red instead of the usual pink.
 
"Um...."
 
"No worries. They use food coloring on all of their food. Keeps things interesting." Interesting was one way to put it. Chanhee was hesitant to take the first bite but after seeing Junmyeon devour the pancakes (which are to be enjoyed at any hour of the day), Chanhee deemed it safe enough to try. One bite had her taste buds melting at the explosion of flavors, the wonderful mix of spices coming together to form the most delicious salmon Chanhee has ever eaten. She blinked up at Junmyeon who was wearing a content expression.
 
"I think I just had a foodgasm." Junmyeon laughed his face scrunching up to make the most unattractive face. It only made Chanhee join in the laughter that left them both breathless and sides aching pleasantly.
 
"Let me drop you off," Junmyeon asked as if Chanhee had any other way of getting home. Like she wanted any other way.
 
»
 
Their first kiss was a lot less funny and a lot more awkward. Chanhee remembered bumping noses and accidentally biting Junmyeon hard when she got too excited. But the second kiss....
 
Everything was on fire. Chanhee remembers how the feel of Joonmyun's silk shirt was the only thing cool to the touch. Everything else left her veins lit up with a burning that started from her very core. Junmyeon's strong small hands holding her close as she gasped, clinging to the solid feel of Junmyeon's arms.
 
Her world was spinning and she couldn't quite catch her breath and she was giggling. Giggling into Junmyeon's mouth from the joy running through her body. Giggling until Junmyeon broke the kiss and joined in. Perfect.
 
»

Chanhee shared a lot of firsts with Junmyeon. All awkward but sweet and endearing in their own way. This, however. This was not something she had ever intended to happen. At least not for a few more years. 

»

The Freak Out, as Chanhee dubbed it, started when she missed her period. Now, she and Junmyeon always practiced safe so this was a bit confusing for Chanhee. She waited until two more days had passed before truly letting The Freak Out take over.

She shared an apartment with Baekah not having moved in with Junmyeon yet until she was sure he was The One. 

"Baekah. Baekah. Baekah. Baekah. Baekah."

"What the , Chanhee it's like four in the morning, what the ?"

"You've said that already. Anyways, Baekah. I need your help!" Chanhee threw on her best pout from where she sat at the edge of Baekah's bed. She doubted Baekah was even paying attention, though, when her eyes remained firmly shut.

"Baekah," Chanhee whined. "This is a serious problem! Bigger than that one time I almost forgot Junmyeon's birthday-"

"You did forget," Baekah interjected. 

"-and ran with the cake and tripped and splattered it all over him. I really need you right now." Chanhee didn't care Baekah had just interrupted her. Baekah pried her sleep laden eyes open and stared at her friend's face, seeing the panic and stress that she had done well in keeping out of her voice. Baekah slowly sat up.

"What happened that's bigger than the cake incident? You finally cracked and kill someone?"

"Please, we both know you'rethe one more capable of murder." Baekah beamed as if it were a compliment. Chanhee smiled back weakly. "No, I- my period- it's been days Baek and it hasn't come it was supposed to come two days ago but nothing I thought I might just be late but it's been days Baek and ph god what if-"

Baekah opened her arms, a silent invitation, and Chanhee scrambled into her embrace. The fit was awkward, Chanhee so much longer than Baekah but they made it work with her head tucked under Baekah's chin.

"Have you taken the test?"

"No, I haven't." A small sniffle. "Baek I'm- what if it's positive? What if I'm-" Chanhee stopped and took a shuddering breath.  She had given up on trying to keep her tears in check, letting them run freely down her cheeks. 

There was so much she still wanted to do. She wanted to travel the world and visit the seven wonders and move in with Junmyeon because she wanted to not because she had to and oh God Junmyeon.

Most likely to succeed Junmyeon. How could she do this to his life? If it was true...then, maybe, she could get rid of it and neither of them would suffer. Maybe...

"Chanhee, try to sleep, ok? We'll skip class and go get a pregnancy test in the morning. Then we'll figure out what to do from there. Together." Chanhee mumbled in agreement, nuzzling closer to Baekah. Baekah slipped the covers over both their bodies. It took them both awhile to fall back to sleep. 

»

The next morning came too quick. Chanhee felt as if she had barely closed her eyes only to open them and find the sun glaring at them through the blinds. Baekah, however, was still dead to the world, muffled whimpers filling the air. Chanhee stubbornly closed her eyes not ready to find out the truth whatever it was.

Another half hour passed before Baekah finally started to stir eyes fluttering open. Chanhee sighed. Time to face the music.

Together they got up and dressed, Chanhee borrowing Baekah's sweatshirt, before leaving to the convenience store down the street. They slipped in and bought a quick breakfast and a pregnancy test ignoring the stares from the cashier. The walk back was just as quiet, Chanhee too busy drowning in her thoughts to be her usual loudmouth self. 

They arrive to the apartments, everything dull and the silence suddenly too loud for Chanhee to bear. She wanted to jump on her phone and cry at Junmyeon but simultaneously tear herself out of his life from being that one flaw marring Junmyeon's perfection. 

She shut down her brain to mouth filter and started blabbering to Baekah about every little thing ranging from the weather to the imaginary speck of dust accumulating over her counter top. Baekah only nodded her head and responded appropriately. There was nothing much she could do but watch as her best friend shakily pulled a pregnancy test from the box. Could only watch as she made her way to the bathroom on unsteady feet. Only watch and cross her fingers and hope for the best for her two best friends.

Four minutes later found both girls propped up on the island staring down at the microwave.

2:59...
2:58...
2:57...

"God, this has got to be the longest three minutes of my life." Baekah can't tell if Chanhee is joking or if it's despair coloring her voice. At the 2:38 mark, Chanhee's phone goes off the shrill tones of Mi Amor.

"Are you going to-"

"No." If Chanhee's voice sounded higher than normal Baekah didn't say anything. She only reached her hand out and held Chanhee's.

One missed call from <3.
Two missed calls from <3.
Three missed calls <3.

Chanhee finally shut her phone off as the microwave hit the 1:40 mark.

"Junmyeon will worry, you know."

"I'll talk to Junmyeon. Just not now."

"OK." Baekah had given up on trying to make small talk. Chanhee had either given one word responses or just did not answer at all.

Their stomachs rumbled but they ignored it. They had tried nibbling on the breakfast they bought earlier but had quickly stopped, stomachs too tied up in knots to properly digest anything. 

Chanhee withdrew into her head, head spinning around all the possibilities. If she really was pregnant ... Junmyeon was a senior at her university, so close to graduating and to dump a baby at his doorstep so soon. Just when he was starting his dream, his career to have it pulled aside for some responsibility neither of them were prepared for, are prepared for. 

And herself. She was still trying to find herself and figure everything out. She still has the flyer from the study abroad program she had wanted to participate in at the end of next semester. She still wanted to see the day Junmyeon got down on one knee and proposed not because of some accident-

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Baekah hurriedly pushed the off button silencing the machine. Chanhee can't decide which is more piercing, the silence or the microwave, as she sits frozen in her seat. The pregnancy test seems oceans away and Chanhee feels too small. She's not ready.

"Do you want me to...look?"

"Please," Chanhee whispered. Baekah carefully lifted up the pregnancy test twisting it so the results were on top. Her expression betrayed nothing as she slipped it into Chanhee's hands.

Two pink lines marred her vision. Two pink lines were mocking her, dancing around spelling out 'You're Pregnant' over and over again till the blurred and bled away. 

"Oh, Chanhee." She was crying.

She was pregnant. 

»

A week had passed with no communication between Junmyeon and Chanhee. She avoided him like the plague. She would take every back alley in the university, if only to avoid coming across his path. And ever day would end with her deleting the mass amount of missed calls and unopened text messages.

She knows it isn't fair to Junmyeon. None of this is his fault but...what she wanted to do, what she planned to do after discussing it with Baekah, she knew he wouldn't approve of. They talked about it once in a class they had shared (before she dropped it).

Abortion.

Chanhee still remembered what Junmyeon had said during discussion.

"Personally, I'm against abortion. If it ever happened with me...I'd like to try, I would want to try."

But Chanhee wasn't ready to try and this was the only solution she could think of. Baekah said she'd go with her. Moral support and all that jazz. And Chanhee thinks she can go throught with this. She has to. 

"Chanhee?" She cursed under her breath. Chanhee could recognize that voice anywhere even in her dreams.

"Junmyeon." She steeled herself before turning around and God. Even now, in the middle of all this chaos that surrounds Chanhee, he's still breathtaking. His brown hair looks best in the autumn wind and soft brown eyes looking at her concern written all over his pink, soft mouth. 

She knows he would never approve of what she wants to do but now that she has him right in front of her, the words are clawing up ready to jump out and spill everything. 

"Chanhee, is everything ok? You haven't answered any of my calls or even looked at my text messages. And Baekah won't say anything but she always looks sad when I ask about you. What happened?" 

Inhale. 1,2,3,4,5. Exhale. 1,2,3,4,5.

"I...a lot. Just a lot is going on right now. And I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for everyone but I want to do what's best for me too."

"Chanhee, what are you talking about?" He reached out to touch her but she flinched. He stood frozen, surprised at her reaction. She barreled on. This is her chance.

"I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant with your..." Chanhee choked for a bit not looking Junmyeon in the eye. She hasn't since this conversation started. "And I want to get an abortion. I have a schedule for this week and-"

"But we could try! We could try and raise her together-"

"With what money?" Chanhee can feel the hysterics consuming her. "Your parents? Mine? For how long? Until you get your degree and go job hunting and find your dream job? And what about me, Junmyeon? You still get to graduate but what about me? I won't get to graduate or go study abroad or get my dream job. I'd have to wait years until our kid is off at preschool or elementary and I can't wait that long. I know it's selfish but I can't shove my dreams aside for something I'm not even sure I'm ready for."

Junmyeon gaped at a complete loss. Chanhee didn't know what she was expecting. Maybe some comforting words but seeing Junmyeon's expression that hardly seemed likely. Chanhee hadn't meant for this to happen. For things to end so bitterly and sudden. She doesn't think she'll ever forget the face he made at her that day. The disappointment, the sadness. He reached out for her one last time but stood her ground no matter how much she wanted to run into his arms and beg for him to stay.

They could never ignore this and could never get past it either. This was their End.

"Goodbye, Junmyeon." Chanhee tripped turning back to the path towards the dorms. There were no soft hands to catch her this time. Only her too large, dry hands catching on to a low hanging branch from a tree beside her. Only her two feet to carry her home.

»

Time slipped away faster than Chanhee could hold and, before she knew it, she was waking to a bleary Saturday morning. She lay under the blanket basking in the warmth for a few minutes longer. She didn't want to think of what was inside her, of what she was about to do. Sounds of Baekah making breakfast reached her ears. The sweet smell of pancakes soon followed. Chanhee was always weak when it came to Baekah's homemade pancakes. Despite the nerves she forced herself to swallow down three pancakes, the sugary maple syrup and soft texture doing more to calm her than tea ever could.

After a quick shower, Chanhee and Baekah trekked over to the bus stop that would take them to the abortion center. They arrived there an hour early just as the nurse had suggested.

"Welcome. How may I help you?" a woman with heart shaped lips smiled at them from the reception desk.

"I have an in-clinic abortion in about an hour but I was recommended to come here early?"

"Oh yes. You probably have lots of questions. We only want you to be comfortable and know that you are in a safe and judge-free zone." Chanhee felt the knots in her stomach loosen, a calm coming over her as the nurse briefed her over the procedure.

"We just need you to fill out this paper work and bring it to me when you are done. Then the doctor will come and see you shortly." Chanhee hesitated before blurting out the question that's been burning at the back of her mind.

"Will it hurt? Will I...will I be ok?"

"You'll be ok," the nurse answered kindly. "As for the pain, it will be no greater than the cramps you feel during your menstrual cycle."

"So pretty bad, huh?" Chanhee joked. Baekah let out a surprised giggle. Even Chanhee was amazed at how relaxed she was starting to feel as opposed to the moment she found out she was pregnant. She was going to be ok.

After the paper work came the laboratory tests and a physical exam. She waited a couple more minutes before finally finallythe doctor was ushering her into a private room where she would explain how the aspiration abortion worked and it's possible side effects.

"There will be bleeding after the procedure and that is perfectly normal. You might also have cramps for the rest of the day." Chanhee flinched at that. The doctor smiled reassuringly. "We always suggest our patients spend the rest of the day relaxing until they feel better. Did you come alone or?"

"With a friend! I came with my best friend." The doctor nodded.

"Any questions? Once we get them answered we can start on the procedure right away."

I'm gonna be ok.

»

Chanhee spent the next two days in bed. Partly from the pain but mostly from the emotional turmoil swimming in her head. She felt guilt, regret, sadness at everything she had lost. But.

But she remembered Baekah holding her hand the bus ride back home. She had tucked Chanhee into her side as best she could and whispered, "You can start over now. A fresh new slate with your dreams waiting for you." It brought her comfort knowing she had a best friend like that by her side. By the time Monday rolled around, Chanhee felt well enough to drown herself in textbooks and in class discussions. She was ok.

But some nights the regret consumes her. It eats away at her insides until she's maddened with all the what ifs and maybes. Those nights she feels Baekah hold her extra tight, empty words of comfort lost in the roar of regret. But it's ok, Chanhee thinks. The monsters will settle (they always do). And with time they'll turn into whispers at the back of her head. Little cobwebs invading the crevices of her mind. But she'll be ok because her diploma will be adorning the counter top in the living room and she'll be job hunting, searching for her dream job and filled with hope for a better future. A fresh new start.

Every day is the first day of the rest of your life.