Some might say that I’m jealous of how Youngbae “gets away with it”, but I think that would be casting it in the worst light.  In reality, I am intrigued by how he manages to stay so true to himself.  People have commented that he has seemed to have changed in the past year – the tattoos, fashion, hair.  But, in fact, I think he’s just expressing more of who he is, rather than hiding those aspects because he’s been asked to.  Seeing what Daesung and I have gone through, and how fleeting everything may be, I think he’s more firm in his belief that it just isn’t worth to put on a façade.  So maybe people are right in one way – it’s a change, just not in personality, but in approach.

What I am jealous about is his constancy – I wish that I had his unwavering nature and steadfast positivity.  I truly believe it is those two things that drive so many other facets of his behavior – the passion, the nurturing, the humor, the reticence, the loyalty, the focus… the list is really endless. 

I think he gets that constancy from his faith.  The deep reserves of consistency and calmness come from a place of confidence that is a result of his devotion.  He sincerely believes that God exists, is benevolent and loves him.  Because he has the rock solid belief that God will answer his prayers and protect him, he faces challenges with the attitude that there is a purpose and a guiding hand behind them.

In the early days, we were given side-by-side lockers to store our stuff, and we were so excited because they were ours.  We couldn’t wait to decorate the walls, and I brought my posters of Wu-Tang, Tupac and Jinu-Sean in case someone from YG saw.  When I saw Youngbae’s, I did a double take.  Along with the obvious Michael Jackson poster, there was an image of a sunset on a beach.  Looking closer, I saw there were words written on it, and when I asked him, Youngbae said it was a poem that reminded him of God.  It had been a favorite of his ever since his mother had introduced it to him when he was six.

Even though I’m not very religious, I’ve found myself searching for that poem every once in a while.  Whenever I read it, I understand why it had such a powerful influence on Youngbae, even when he was so young.  The knowledge that someone was by your side at all times, and at the worst of times, actually bore your pains and fears on your behalf, must have been so reassuring to a child.  It’s comforting, the idea that someone is always with you, regardless of circumstance or deservedness. 

It’s funny when I think about it.  He’s by no means a god, he’s flawed – he can be stubborn, single-minded, immature, impatient… the list can be as negative as it is positive.  But, Youngbae has been that person for me in many ways.  The one to counsel me, console me and in the end, carry me when I didn’t even ask.  He’s been with me since we were teenagers, both of us walking down the path of celebrity, him with far more grace than me.

I have that unconditional love from other places – my family and my friends for sure.  But very few people know what it’s like in our position – the pressures, the charade, the temptations.  So he’s not unfamiliar with my “reasons” and definitely not blind to my faults.  He’ll admonish me behind closed doors, telling me that I know better to make those kind of decisions and to think before I react publicly to anything.  His scolding isn’t mean or spiteful, it’s honest.  And even if I may be hurt or disinterested in what he has to say at the moment, I know, deep down, that he always has my back.

Because he’s also the one who listens to everything I have to say.  He’s the one who shuts the door quietly behind him when he hears me crying alone in my room.  He’s the one who stops me from ripping up my notebooks when I can’t look at myself in the mirror.  And, he’s the one who closes the lid on the laptop when the netizen comments hit a little too close to home.

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Footprints in the Sand (unknown author)

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the Lord about it. Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.