Shutting the laptop softly, I close my eyes and lift my hands to my eyes and then thread my fingers through my hair.  I’m not sure if I was expecting this reaction or something different, but the fans have been pretty quick to latch on to the one part of the interview that I wish we could just erase.

I knew that the interviewer was going to ask about her, in a sense, she wouldn’t be doing her job if she didn’t.  In today’s celebrity-driven media world, she had to bring it up because it is definitely what her audience is curious about.  I can’t even be mad, I’ve benefitted more from manipulating the media more than any person deserves to.  My desire for media treatment only on my terms is hypocritical, I know, but that doesn’t stop me from trying.  My non-response has already circled the internet multiple times over, and I’d be lying if I said I was surprised.  What has surprised me is that there’s a smaller set of fans that are following up with Youngbae’s comments as well and generally expressing support for his sentiment.

“Somehow, I think it’s only our country where we need an official statement for our private life. We can’t do anything for receiving attention but it’s sad that we should show every small details of our life. It’s just what you think and see may be right, but it’s not what we need to say. It’s a burden for the company too.”

My thoughts mirror his exactly, but I guess it’s easier if I remain silent.  Because I’m the man in the middle of the issue… again.  Because he’s the man not in the middle… again.  Youngbae’s comments are considered in the abstract – though he was clearly referencing my situation, because he’s not the one involved, the gentle public chiding is taken as opinion rather than arrogance. 

How many times in his life has Youngbae had to assume the role of defender and protector, publicly, and confidante and confessor, privately?  Other than Seunghyun hyung, all of us have left him in the position to offer explanations and apologies to the public.  More importantly, we’ve all had the benefit of his concern, sensitivity, time and advice. 

Me more than anyone.

As the leader, I am somewhat ashamed that my actions – actual or perceived – have, numerous times, placed him as the one to carry the torch for Bigbang.  Fans have jokingly called Youngbae the mother of our group, and never has the characterization been as apt as when one of us is hurting.  He becomes mama grizzly – fierce in his protection of us, even if he knows we deserve some of the criticism we’re getting.  When he thinks the comments have exceeded common courtesy or is asked about his personal feelings, he is quick to say that nothing can or will change his stake in the relationship, giving us cover behind his broad shoulders.

As his friend, I can’t begin to describe what that means.  To know that your friend is willing to take on public opinion on your behalf is extremely reassuring.  Especially at a time when many acquaintances and so-called friends find it easy to be silent or busy.

I’ve often marveled at Youngbae’s ability to say what he’s really thinking and feeling without it being taken as a dig or an inappropriate stance.  He’s expressed disbelief openly over our company’s management of his album releases, he’s acknowledged that our members have made bad decisions and now he’s called out the press for their unending thirst for personal details.  For many public figures, this type of straightforwardness is rarely viewed as a positive, rather it’s seen as foolhardy and overconfident.

Yet, I can’t recall a situation where his candor has gotten Youngbae in hot water.  Perhaps, it has and he’s hidden it from me, but I prefer to think that I has something to do with the strength and clarity of his character.