Dear Jepp Blackman

 

Jepp Blackman. Jepp. Jepp. Jepp Freakin' Blackman.

A name that I fail to loathe. A name that creates butterflies in the very pit of my stomach. 

It's because of you that I began to like the name Jepp. Even though it just sounds like the thug way of saying yep. I quite like the way it rolls off the very tip of my tounge. Although it's troublesome that no one else seemed to have that name in our school back then, because I could be scratching your name on a table and they'd know who I was talking about. 

So why do I like your name, you ask?

Because I like you. Gosh, I fancy the crap out of you! Figuratively speaking ofcourse.

I don't think anyone knows. I like to think that I'm good at keeping secrets.

Anyways, there. I said it. Well...technically I wrote it. I wish I had the balls to actually say it to your face but I just can't. It's so much easier said than done. You know? 

And so I'm writing this letter only because; I'm burning it, taking it to the very depths of the earth's core.

So I ask myself so many times, "Why you?" Of all people why did it have to be you, Jepp Blackman. There are so many cute guys out there, not like I'd score any of them but that's not the point. The point is, you were such snotty little bastard, I mean you can be a right jerk to me. Making fun of my height. I know I'm short you don't have to rub it in, by the way it's not that funny that I can't reach the first level of the cupboard. And can I ask you to stop calling me a midget or a kindergartener? Because I'm definitely taller than a kindergartener, plus it's a huge blow to my self esteem. 

You've done so many prick-like things. For example, when you tripped me during the field trip for school to a bloody farm in our third year of secondary school. That was our first meeting, might I add the worst first meeting ever. You insisted it was an accident but I loathed you so much because I face planted on cow dung. I had the worst impression of you. Oh, let's not forget when you snuck stinging nettles in my shorts, that was just low. And when you soaked my clothes in the sink, that was just so typical, Jepp. Typical.

Simply put you're such a d-ick.

But I'm horrible to you as well, I say let's call it even. Plus you deserved that wedgie, so don't even begin to talk about how much of an ignorant woman I am to a man's pain. It was through teasing that we communicated, I continued to play pranks like you would to me because well I liked your company even though it was through pranks and teasing, and you made me laugh at my worst days. I didn't even start liking you till our last year of secondary school and realised that you had changed from a snotty little bastard to... I admit Adonis. 

I saw this change during prom. I saw you dancing with another girl and for some reason it really hurt. I was so frustrated with my self, at the thoughts I was having because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. So I casted it off as a mere crush.

I thought I would forget my measly crush for you but you enrolled to the same 6th form (college) coincidentally. I only found out that you had enrolled when you bumped into me and knocked me over, well actually you caught me by the waist and ruined the moment when you spoke out and said;

"Sorry you're too small I couldn't see you"

And I thought to myself why do I even like this prick. However, you're a bundle of surprises, aren't you Jepp? After being a prick, you gently smiled and apologised and I repeat;

"It's nice to see you again, Katherine"

And got me liking you all over again. The way you said my name felt so different to the past times you said it, maybe it was because we didn't see each other for three months due to the summer holidays. I tried to seem unaffected but I think I epically failed at that, I averted my gaze and mumbled like an idiot. I can't even remember what I said. You are so unfair sometimes.

To be honest, I didn't want to forget my little crush for you, I liked the feeling you gave me, the weird elated feeling I would get when I see you, the constant thoughts of you running through my mind, and the giddiness I'd get when our eyes met. The impatient waiting for your texts and the calmness that your light touches bring to me. I liked all that.

I was utterly disappointed when we didn't have any classes together, but we had study period together. It was during study period, a well deserved free period as we call it, we were young adults and teachers thought we were able to do independent learning but we didn't really. 

And so, we were in the computer room, it was a dreary day, raining bullets outside too. We were there tapping away on the keyboards, when you yanked my chair because you had nothing better to do and dragged it toward you. We were knee to knee, and you bent forward closer to me causing my breathing to stop. As cliché as it sounds it was as if time had stopped. Yes, really. You grinned, that gummy smile of yours, mischief dancing across your lips. Your brown eyes twinkled like that of a little boy when he receives his first toy. In the dim lighting of the room, I realised there were specks of much darker brown in your eyes. Your chestnut hair was natural that day compared to your gelled hair. I really like your natural hair. I wanted to run and knot my fingers in them, caressing it softly. Like I always do. It was then that I realised that what I felt for you was more than just a crush. Ofcourse, I'd have to kill you first, or shoot myself before admitting this to you.

You were saying something that day but I couldn't hear it, distracted by your voice. God your voice. Deep and low, a voice so enticing it sends shivers down my spine. Seeing that I couldn't hear, you inched forward and whispered in my ear. I probably turned bright red. It was a weird feeling, I can't quite explain it. Sort of like a mixture between a heartattack and a gust of wind blowing inside of me. The twinkle in your eyes changed to a brief smouldering pair of eyes, gazing at me. Right then, I thought that you may have liked me too, but concluded that it was just a fantasy of mine.

Still, I can't help but wonder if you felt it too. 

By the way, did I mention about that gummy grin of yours? I love that smile. It's a smile engraved into my memories, remembering it makes me giggle. No matter what people say about your goofy trademark smile, it will always be my favourite smile. It's just so full of life. It reminds me of summer days, and the bright blinding sun. Others probably think I'm some crazy psycho sitting here in this quaint café giggling to myself like a little school girl. See? That's the effect you have on me. And I thank you for making me feel this way, like a warm spring day. Because If I had never met you, dark clouds would be plaguing my mind, because of you even for a moment I can forget these cruel thoughts, because of you even for just a moment I can feel at peace. 

To be frank, I don't even think I have a chance with you. You probably only see me as a kid brother buddy. Yes brother, because I'm a little rough around the edges. If you saw me as a sister that would mean you acknowledged me as a girl, which I don't think you even do. This makes the bitterness of rejection easier to gulp down. Well... to be honest that's a lie because it really doesn't. It also doesn't help that there were times that you treated me like a girl. When you pat my head, or compliment me randomly or when you lean your head on my back. I always protested when you did that, because my resolve in forgetting my like for you would crack.

I don't deserve you, Jepp. You're just way too perfect, and here I am a bumbling clumsy fool. You deserve someone amazing. A beautiful, funny and kind hearted girl. A girl you'd  fit together with. A girl like Miri Kwon, she's the one that  deserves your enchanting gummy smiles, your kind gazes and sweet words. 

The realisation that I will never really be next to you really stings, Jepp, it really bloody stings.

With all my Love,

Kathrine, the awkward weirdo.

 

Author's note: I'm wondering if I should write a reply from Bang Yongguk. I've marked it complete for now, as a one-shot. Thank-you for reading :)