Of Mocha and Espresso
Of Mocha and Espresso
* just a small reminder , in order to understand and imagine the story well , draw a bit attention to the timeline , thank you. enjoy reading ^^
June 2014
“ why do you wanna leave me Gukkie? I gave you my everything ! EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGG !!!! “ Himchan shouts loudly to his boyfriend while holding his tears .
“ aishhhh , stop making anymore drama Channie. “ Yongguk shouts too , making Himchan startled for a while. That was the first time Yongguk shouted to him.
“ did you just …. shouted … at … me ? “ His tears come out naturally. The words came out slowly , one by one , arranged with sobs between ‘em. Himchan then walk to him and hold Yongguk who is now standing with his back to him . “ yah ! look at me ! “
Yongguk's trying to avoid Himchan’s stares and look away , but Himchan is faster to stop him. He then hold Yongguk’s face slowly and crying hard on his shoulder.
“ why did you do this to me? Why ? “ the tears are flown with the rain sound outside the window.
“ byane “
******
October 2014
“ Hyung , is it okay if I put your breakfast here? “
“ yeah , its fine , thanks Dae “ Himchan then smile and look to the scene in front of him. He then takes a sit beside his little brother.
“ when will you start your class dae? “ said Himchan while sipping the coffee that Daehyun made. The taste getting better ; day by day.
“ it will start soon “
He nods. The conversation always ends up awkwardly with nothing else to be said.
Silence.
“ ehmmmmmm , how are things going on with you and ….. Yongguk hyung? “
A second after that , the table is full of coffee coming out from Himchan’s mouth . “ what ? “
“ how did you know? “ said him while cleaning the table , again , awkwardly.
“ well , its just that….well , I just knew “
“ and you are okay with it Dae? “
“ with what? “
“ with me , having a relationship with …. “
“ with a guy? “
Himchan nods again . Waiting silently for his answer.
“ well , I think I can understand that though “
“ as simple as that? “
Its Daehyun who nods a lot this time.
Long silence …. again ~
“ do mama and papa know about this? “
“ nope “
“ are you sure? “
“ lols hyung , do you even care about what they feel about you though? “
Himchan sighed deeply. That’s true though. Living far away from parents who stay away from Korea for the sake of business is just annoying. Good that they left him with a house and some money to ‘at least’ live a good life. And that is the reason too why he lived with Daehyun right now. He is the only reason too on of why Himchan is still alive now. But , since Daehyun is staying at a hostel , thus , that is the reason of why ……… , well , that might be a reason too of why Daehyun knew since the whole house is totally in a new look.
“ so back to my question …. “
“ ahh , yeah , we are okay “ said Himchan while looking to the window
“ you sure? “
“ why? You don’t believe me Dae? “
“ if you said so , then … “ Daehyun just stand up and started to clean the table.
“ why is he so gloomy lately? Did I do anything wrong? “ Daehyun monologue to himself while washing the dishes.
“ hyung , why not we go to supermarket? I think , there are not much to cook though with all these … “ Daehyun then showing to his brother the empty fridge.
“ ouh , yeah , lets “
“ no objection? “
“ yeah , why? “
“ no , its just …. weird “ said Daehyun which then taking his bath and preparing to buy groceries.
******
Few days after that … still in October 2014
Himchan walks to a coffee house and takes a seat outside of the shop , nearby to glass window. After ordering a cup of espresso, he then sits soundly and watching on how busy the road is. There are a lot of people on the street today.
The sights then fall on the other chair in front of him. It is empty. He is holding his chest , grabbing it as an action that he shouldn’t cry.
” be strong himchan , its nothing , it really is nothing“ That is what his mind said.
Not long after that , there is a waiter coming to serve Himchan's drink. The smell of the espresso calms him a bit. He then touch the mouth of the cup slowly. He remembered of how Yongguk loves to with the sound coming from the mouth of the cup. He then remember on how Yongguk always nags at him that drinking a lot of coffee is not a good habit. Well , even now , he still fight with his arguments in his head, saying that ‘ no , coffee brings no harm at all ‘ . He smiles remembering those memories with tears coming through his eyes --- slowly.
He then takes a sip on coffee with the tears still coming through. He still can see the image of Yongguk grinning in front of him tapping on the table waiting for him finishing the coffee.
“ honey , please be quick , I have a class after this “ …
“ eyy ,can’t you wait a little bit? Can you do that for me my dear? “
The hands that are trying to touch his face fade away in just a minute. He then standing shouting his name between the wind . “ Yongguk “ .
The moment when he remembers that it is all just a memories that he has in his mind , his tears flowing crazily while he is sitting down hiding his crying face on the table.
“ why did you do this to me gukkie? Why? “ He whispers to himself while stopping the non-flowing tears. “omg , it hurts , my heart , it hurts a lot. Please go away ! cheabal “
Standing leaving the coffee house , he then walks pass through the street , passing through thousands of people. Even after five months , the feeling is still there , his love is still there. For him , and only for him.
Seeing couples linking arms and kissing in public makes his heart went heavy. Hiding and trying to avoid himself from crying takes so much courage from him. He knows that he is not that strong. Appealing to be one is totally a new level from him getting up away from the source of courage before.
He takes a glance at his watch and it is already 5PM. Good that Daehyun did text him that he is going to stay at Youngjae’s house tonight. Himchan has a thought that Daehyun is going to do some preparations for his semester , thus , this might give Himchan some space to have a personal space between he and his ‘memories’ . Plus , Youngjae is Daehyun’s roommate and adding up that they are neighbours , it makes sense that Himchan does not worried much.
Himchan stops his steps when he hears children shouting and laughing . " ahh , what a good weather " he said ~ He then takes a seat at the stairs nearby the playground. The kids are playing football happily. Their shouts and laughs makes he grins happily.
“ Channie”
“ehm? Wae? “
“ do you mind if I ask you something?”
“ what? Haha , this sounds so not you. Wait , why you look so serious? Did something happened?”
“ no , I am …. Well , what do you think about those who like the same gender? “
“ yah , whats wrong with you? Kuenchana yo? “
“ I am okay … palli , what do you think about that? “
“ well , ehm……….relationship depends on how both partners work on the relationship together. “
“ so you don’t mind if … lets say , you are in a relationship with a guy? “
“ why did you ask? “
“ just because “
Himchan don’t know on how to react to the questions but to just stare at his best friend. Being a friend with him for 2 years make himself a lot more comfortable than his first meeting during high school. However , receiving a weird question makes him feel a bit uncomfortable though ---- but .........
******
September 2014
“ Hyung , palli ireonaaaaa “ Youngjae crying hard holding his brothers hands.
“ yahhhh , hyungggggggg” Youngjae trying hard to wake his brother up. The tears come out heavily from his eyes. His sobs stop immediately when he see movements from the latter. He hugs his brother tightly as he saw a smile shown by his brother.
“ yah , why are you crying? It’s not that I died though “ Yongguk wipes his little brother’s tears slowly. His voice also become deepen since he cant talk much.
“ ahh , daehyun-ah , you come? “
“ yeah. How are things going on? “ Daehyun said , while bowing slowly to Yongguk.
“ I am …”
The sounds from the door take their attention. “ can I check him for a while? “ said the doctor who just coming into the room.
“ ouh yeah , you may “ said Youngjae allowing the doctor to check him. Being unconscious for few days really makes everyone worried.
While waiting outside…
“ yah , should we tell your brother? “ Youngjae breaks the silence.
“ my brother ? why? “ Daehyun’s quite shock about the question.
“ eyhhhhhhhhhhhh? Wait ( he stops … ) , don’t you know that … “ Youngjae started to feel guilty that he thought Daehyun knows it all.
“ about what? “
‘ should I tell him’ ? - Youngjae monologue to himself. It is better than …
“ don’t you know that Himchan hyung and my brother are …… ehm , couples ? “
Daehyun widen his eyes and stand with shock . “ WHATTTT ??? – YAH , HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE ? “
Youngjae just stare and giving his boyfriend a deep stare. “ why are you seems so shocked when you are not even straight , my dear? "
“ eh ? “ Daehyun cant argue but to shut his mouth. He takes his seat back. “ but … “
“ look , you have to understand and I am sure you understand how hard it is to be a …. gay . Now , if you are in his place , don’t you feel sad when his own brother doesn’t understand what he felt to hide about his feeling? “ Youngjae trying to rationalize things for Daehyun.
Daehyun can’t do anything but to be in silent.
“ okay , so what is your plan ? and WAITTTTTTTTTT , does that mean that your brother know about us? “
Youngjae nods and Daehyun gave another deep look to his boyfriend , but youngjae answer him first.
“ you know that there’s nothing that I can hide from him right? …….. so , lets tell your brother about it neh? “ said Youngjae who then laying down his head to Daehyun’s shoulder while slowly trying to sleep on Daehyun’s shoulder.
“ Alright dear , lets do that “ said Daehyun while Youngjae’s hair slowly , allowing him to sleep on his shoulder. He then kiss Youngjae’s head and hug his side tighter.
Daehyun thinks that he should help his brother and tell him the truth. Knowing that Yongguk change a nagger like his brother ; means , Himchan really take the relationship seriously. Being out from home cant really make Daehyun to have a lot to say but to support their relationship. He just thought , of how hard it is to live without your love ones. He then look at Youngjae and touch his hand slowly.
“ Jae “
“yes”
“you didn’t sleep yet?”
“ I am trying” said him , with his eyes shut , closely and with his weak voice.
“ Jae ”
“hmm?”
“saranghae”
Youngjae then wake himself up and staring at Daehyun for a long time. He then smile and touch Daehyun’s cheek , slowly that Daehyun can feel the warmth and love. “ Me too “ . Daehyun smiles and touch Youngjae’s hand slowly.
“ please …. “
“ ahh , why are you crying Dae? “ Youngjae wipes Dae’s tears slowly
“ I just … love you so much , can you please….dont leave me alone?” said Daehyun while hugging Youngjae tightly.
Youngjae hugs him back and comfort him. “ I will be okay , I am the one who supposed to cry here , my brother is sick , not yours “ Youngjae chuckles a bit . Daehyun still with his tears and hug his boyfriend tighter. “ mianhe , I will be a better boyfriend and be with you until the end”
“ thank you Dae , thank you so much “
People are still walking around , doing their business. The hospitals are still full with people , even if it is 2AM now. Daehyun then brings Youngjae to Yongguk’s room and lay him down on the couch nearby. Dae then hear someone trying to move when he realized Yongguk trying to reach the glass near to his bed.
“ ahh , thank you “ said Yongguk , trying to sit straight and drink the drink a bit.
“ he is sleepy huh? Poor him “ Yongguk stares at his brother ; Daehyun does the same. Yongguk then put his glass back and lay himself a bit. Daehyun quickly help him with that. Adjusting hospital’s bed seems new to him but Youngjae taught him about it a lot.
“ Goodnight hyung “ Daehyun smiles while starting to walk by , when Yongguk stops him.
“ is there anything that you else that you want? Are you thirsty still? “ Daehyun trying to give out his help as he can but Yongguk just smile and shake his head.
“ can you listen to my story Dae? Just , for at least 10 mins? “
“ yeah sure Yongguk hyung , what is it? “ Daehyun takes a small chair beside him and sit next to Yongguk’s bed and listen carefully.
“ can you please….”
******
End of October 2014 ….
“ hyung “ Daehyun speaks , still staring at the television. He can’t concentrate though.
“ hmm? “
“ can I say something? “
“ yes please Dae “ Himchan looks at his brother with a smiley eyes .
“hyung” Daehyun turns the television off and turns himself to face his brother slowly. He then look at Himchan and hold his hand.
“ I have something to tell you , and I hope that you wont be mad”
Daehyun started his words which makes Himhan to look at Dae’s hand on his. It has been a long time since they have this kind of conversation. The last time was years back. Back when Himchan was really down and feel demotivated about life and Himchan knows that Daehyun is not playing around this time. .
“ no , I wont be mad , now tell me baby , what is it? “ Himchan smiles.
“it has been a month , since ….. Yongguk was hospitalized “ Himchan’s eyes widen and it started with small tears , does nothing but stay in silent waiting for explaination. Daehyun holds his brother’s hands tighter.
“ why? “ Himchan’s breaks his voice with his tears.
“ He …… “
******
*FLASHBACK AT THE HOSPITAL*
“ Daehyun , I don’t think that I will live longer than what the doctor expected “
“ omg , don’t say like that hyung , you still have chance to live ! don’t say creepy things like that here “ Daehyun trying to speak as low as possible , afraid that Youngjae will wake up.
“ I know , I know ~ shh , don’t cry Daehyun-ah , smile please “
“ How can I not? You are so good to me ….. Who will look after Youngjae then? “
“ I have him with you right? “ Yongguk is patting Daehyun’s hand while smiling weakly. His body is full of tubes and the machines around him are so annoying.
“ but …. “ Yongguk stops Daehyun from keep on talking and he wipes Dae’s tears that slowly coming down from the younger.
“ baby Dae ; haha , Himchan loves to call you that “ said Yongguk while looking at the ceiling. He stares at everything around him , thinking of how he needs to leave the world like that. Leaving with a brother that is still young , leaving with someone that he loves so much , that he can’t give his love enough . Yongguk’s tears break to his cheek , slowly.
Daehyun is crying like a baby there. Trying to hold it to himself , trying not to wake his boyfriend but he then suddenly feels a hand that slowly hug him from behind.Daehyun was shocked but grabs the hug tighter with his left hand , while the other is holding Yongguk’s hand.
Youngjae’s trying to comfort Daehyun , but he also cried heavily on Daehyun’s shoulder. Youngjae then sit on the bed and hug Yongguk tightly.
“hyung …. “
“ Dae , can you promise me something? “
Daehyun nods quickly and wait patiently. “Can you please give your brother this? , make sure you give him when …. When I am not around “
Daehyun then take it and holds it tightly.
“ and promise me that …. You will take care of this baby for me , neh? “ said Yongguk while Youngjae’s hair slowly.
“ You know , he is such a lovely boy. I am just …. I don’t know how to live this live without him. Can you please…..”
Yongguk stops since his tears flows heavily for his next breathe
“ can you please , take care of him , for me? Dae can you promise me that? “
Yongguk trying to reach both of them for a hug. The latter nods quickly , in Yongguk’s embracement.
“ I love both of you so much. I love Himchan so much too , but I ….. “
*END OF FLASHBACK*
******
Himchan is crying heavily listening to the story.
He then takes the thing that Daehyun gives him. “This is from …..”
Daehyun then stop when he heard his phone ringing loudly.
“yes Jae?”
“yahhhh , palli , Yongguk hyung , yeobo , Yongguk ……” Youngjae cant speaks further.
“ yah , what happened? “ the phone call was off.
Daehyun then runs to the door and quickly get his sneakers when he forget his brother totally. Daehyun then runs back and grab Himchan’s hand. Himchan looks so blurr and Daehyun feel sorry for telling the secret that Yongguk ask him to keep it. However , Daehyun feels that he needs to tell that , well , just because ….
“Can you please drive faster? “
Daehyun speaks loudly to the taxi driver. He seems afraid and nervous , so does Himchan who is then curiously ask after few minutes.
“Yah , whats wrong? Tell me !!!”
“ Yongguk hyung , he ….”
“whats with him?”
“ I DON’T KNOW , I AM JUST…. HE IS JUST…”
Daehyun telling Himchan that Youngjae is crying and the phone was off, so Dae guess that it must be something that is urgent.
“ YAH , You didn’t tell me what happened to him yet “
Daehyun realized that and tell him in a quick move , but in his normal tone.
“ hyung , Yongguk hyung doesn’t have a chance to live further , he is dying , like really …… he is dying hyung “
Daehyun cant stop his tears , so does Himchan.
“ He has tumor , in his brain , that was diagnosed , a month before he breaks up with you”
“ HE WHAT? HE …… WHAT? “ Himchan speaks with undefined tone. “ YAH , HOW CAN HE ….. “ Himchan seems lost and the moment when the taxi arrive at the hospital , Daehyun quickly grab Himchan’s hand and run towards the ward.
Himchan cluelessly follows Daehyun and reached Youngjae who is now crying silently watching his brother while holding his hand. Himchan quickly run towards Yongguk who is now trying to breathe normally but he can’t . Daehyun is now comforting Youngjae .
“ Yah , Why are you …..” Himchan give his boyfriend small hits , many times , enough to make him crying .
Yongguk trying to reach Himchan’s hand. He is now fighting to breath in with the oxygen mask on. His grins can be seen , which makes Himchan crying even more.
“Channie”
“yes Gukkie?” Himchan make himself as close as possible , to hear Yongguk’s word.
“ Mianhe , Cheongmal mianhe “ Yongguk’s tears fall down as well as Himchan’s. Himchan shakes his head and apologize instead.
“ I should be here with you , not …. “. Now , it is Yongguk’s time to shake his head. He then touch Himchan’s face slowly.
“ thank you , thank you so much …… sarang….” Yongguk’s word stop when he fight so hard to speak. He then smiles and say it weakly
“ saranghae “
and slowly shut his eyes …..
“ Yah , Yongguk ! DON’T LEAVE ME , YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!! “
Himchan cant stop shaking Yongguk’s body to wake him up. Daehyun runs to him as well as Youngjae.
Nurses help to open the oxygen mask and revealed Yongguk’s bare face. His hands are full of holes for tubes that come into his body. Himchan slowly comes to Yongguk and touch his face. He sits there with slow tears coming down to his heart shape lips. He then whispers back to him.
“ Gukkie , I love you too. I love you so much “ whisper Himchan while kissing Yongguk’s forehead. .
Himchan then hold Yongguk’s hand tighter and kiss that too. Its long enough until he can stop sobbing.
“ Mianhe , Rest well , Gukkie “ . He then give Yongguk the last kiss on his lips. It feels so cold and Himchan cried that there is no reaction coming through like how Yongguk always did.
He started crying again when he let Youngjae hugs his brother. Himchan knows , the younger will be his responsibility now. Yongguk and Youngjae have lost their parents years ago. That explain of why there is nobody in the room except them.He also knows , Daehyun will take care of Youngjae pretty well.
******
3 years later. At the playground.
Hye Channie.
I am sure that you miss me right? Where are you now? At the playground? Haha . I am pretty sure that you are here. Its 3rd of February and I am here , sitting at the same place where I proposed to you. I still remember how shy you are. You were so cute back then.
Channie ,
Even if you listen to this in the future , I hope that you are doing well. I hope that you enjoy your life now. Please , don’t skip meals. You love to nag at me when I only ate ramen , so make sure , you eat well too. Don’t sleep too late. Ahh , talking about that… I feel like hugging you now. I miss you so much.
You know , I do regret that I broke up with you . I do regret that I still cant be a good boyfriend for you , even after years , I still cant be. I hope that you know that I never meant to say that.
Himchan pause the play , and crying silently to himself , and play the voice back ….
“ Channie , I love you so much. I really do. I feel in love when you laugh , when you smile , when you are so focus to your instruments and there is me rapping , I am sure cant feel bless enough to have you in my life. Seriously , there is no valid or exact reason for me to love you , because I just do .
Trust me , I am so happy that I met you, and that is the best part of my life. I know I haven’t been good enough , but …….I hope that you are happy. I love you so much , deep from my heart (Yongguk stops and his voice change) ….I miss your smiles , your nags , your hugs , you laughes , your everything. You are so perfect and I will never feel like this with others , it will be you and will always be.”
Our love is like Mocha and Espresso (chuckle) , remember?
Happy 3rd year of our anniversary Channie. Live well , don’t ever forget me. Take care , my baby.
I miss you so much.
From me , your Mocha , your love , your heart.
Himchan sit still , holding the mp3 that Yongguk gave him . He holds that tightly to himself and smile weakly watching how magnificent the sky at that moment.
“ are you doing well up there? Are you watching me? I hope you do.”
OUR LOVE IS LIKE MOCHA AND ESPRESSO “yes , I will remember that Gukkie , I will always will.”
Himchan then gets up and runs towards Daehyun and Youngjae that waits for him on the other road.
THE END
*how is it? did you cry a lot? or you do not?
well , I cried a lot writing this , perhaps because I miss them so much , perhaps because I imagine it too far , well , idk (chuckle and cries a bit)
Hope all of you have fun reading this. thank you so much. do upvote and subsribe neh?
until next fic ^^
(sorry if there is any spelling error or grammatical error ><)
-syaf - 4.04 AM , 22/12/2014 -
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