“Thank you!” Baekhyun shouts into his mic before dipping into a bow so low his nose brushes against his knees. The crowd is cheering wildly, the bright lights are blinding him and his heart feels as if it's going to burst. He's filled with a mixture of gratefulness and love towards his fans. Relief is also laced into that combination. He's relieved that their debut was a successful one and that he didn't mess up and that all the members are smiling brightly as they exit the stage and by the mere fact that the day he'd been waiting for had finally arrived.

He exchanges gleaming glances with s and lets out a bright chuckle when they make it back to the waiting room. He doesn't know why he's laughing but all this happiness has to go somewhere otherwise he'd explode. All the staff members are there and he doesn't forget to bow and thank them for all they've done, in return they smile down at him proudly like parents. Suho is already crying somewhere in the corner and whilst some members are making fun of his ugly crying face, Baekhyun tells them to let him be. He's been waiting the longest, after all.

-

Fast forward a few months and Baekhyun's rolling around on the floor, squealing. His tablet is clutched tightly in his perfectly manicured hands and held against his rapidly heaving chest. His smile is literally radiating beams of light and Suho can't even find the heart to tell him to be quiet.

Kyungsoo on the otherhand can.

“Care to tell me why you're squealing like a pig?” His face is stoic and his aura alone could kill someone. Baekhyun's mood dampens a little at the harshness in the boy's voice. Just a little bit. The smile remains in tact, though.

The shorter looks like he's completely given up and storms out the living room, mumbling something about idiots who can't let him have even a second of peace and quiet. Everyone else just ignores him and nothing's taken to heart. He's tired, they get it; they all are. They'd just wrapped up SMTOWN and are currently gearing up for a comeback, which brings us to reason as to why the brunette has turned into a fangirl.

Drum roll please.

Fans are shipping him together with his goddess; Kim Taeyeon.

Cue girly giggles.

'Baekyeon' or 'Byuntae' they'd dubbed the so-called ship and Baekhyun thinks he's never heard a more beautiful name in his entire life, besides Taeyeon that is.

Just the mere though of it sends shots of happiness running through his veins, which evidentially makes him look like he's having a seizure. The boy should really learn when to get up off the floor, it's very unflattering. 

Fans were shipping them together - well some were, others were sending him death threats but let's not focus on the down side, ok? let Baekhyun have his moment - because of their many 'cute interactions' at the SM town concert.

He remembers every single minute of it clearly. It had been his first time up on the SM town stage, all the members felt comfortable on it but he was stuck walking around by himself, like a loner, and not really having anywhere to go. Even his best friend, Chanyeol, had deserted him and his group so he could hang out with the sunbaes, but he can't really blame him. Chanyeol had been training for longer than he has so he's bound to have some other idol friends, Baekhyun on the other hand had only been in the company for a year and therefore never got a chance to get away from training for long enough to mingle with the idols.

He remembers how he'd looked around the stage with a pout on his face. He'd scanned across the stage, in hopes of finding one of s to prat about with, but instead met eyes with her. It was a momentary locking of gazes, an accidental catching of attentions from across the stage. Yet why did it feel like all the cosmos had aligned?

Afterwards, she had offered him a bright smile and he was hooked. Through that entire concert, and all the concerts after that, he'd followed her around like a lost puppy and she'd gladly grabbed onto his leash.

(“Where are all your members?” she asks him, standing on her tiptoes to reach his ear. He blushes at the proximity and bends down to get closer make it easier for her.

“Do you not want me here, noona?” He hopes it's not true but his brain is telling him there would be no other obvious explanation.

“Don't be stupid, of course I do." Baekhyun jolts in shock, unable to fully believe that statement. "My members left me too, so let's just hang out together ok? Let the blondes stick together.” And with that, she ruffles his said blonde mop of hair.)

Baekhyun remembers how they'd whispered and joked around with each other, closing the gap between each other that was painfully obvious the last time they had met. He doesn't know where the confidence had came from or why he hadn't been knocked back down a peg or two. Kim Taeyeon was OK with wasting her time on a baby like him? It seemed almost unreal. Every chance he got, he stole glances at her. It soon got painfully obvious and Suho had to advise him to stop otherwise there could be a scandal. He didn't really take his advice though.

-

A 13 year old Taeyeon is sitting on the couch in the living room, watching television. Her starstruck little eyes are staring up in awe at the 'Queen of K-pop', Kwon BoA. For her there is no greater thrill than watching the performing on stages all over the world. She sees her everywhere in the media, receiving love and attention from so many people. She's the woman the whole world's got an eye on. The younger girl can't help but have this nagging feeling in her chest that that's what she wants to do with her life too. Unfortunately, she is made fully aware of the cons in leading such a life by her friends and family who shake their heads as she eagerly tells them of her newly found dream. She decides that the way they disapprove of her dream and tell her to aim for something a little more normal doesn't sit well with her, but still follows their lead because that's all a little girl can do. It takes everything in her to ignore the gnawing feeling in her chest.

Singing had always come naturally for Taeyeon, she'd started singing even before she'd started talking. It had always been her hobby but the people around her thought of it as just that; a hobby. Nothing more. Most of her friends want normal futures, a 9 to 5 job and a normal family, but Taeyeon could never see herself in such a situation, not when every time she closes her eyes she sees an ocean of fans screaming out her name as she stands on stage, belting out notes into a microphone. The only person who doesn't take her "dream" as a joke is her father, who smiles fondly and claps along whenever he hears his daughter singing.

At one point Taeyeon tries to make a list of all the things she's good at besides singing, only to find that such things could be counted with just one hand. That seemed to be the last straw for her. Throwing away all worries and becoming adamant to the opinions of other people, Kim Taeyeon makes her conclusion to become a singer. Despite the fact that there were other things that she was good at - that list being a limited one -  there was nothing that she enjoyed as much as singing. Singing, for her, was an easy way to get her feelings across, to relieve stress, and if she closes her eyes and images hard enough, it's an escape for her. When singing she can picture herself on a stage, with a single spot light on her as she croons her heart out. For a 13 year old, it seemed like a good life to lead.

Taeyeon is now 16 and is harvesting the fruits of her hard work. She has released a song with her vocal trainer 'The One', who had wanted to “acknowledge her potential,” and she has been offered a contract by SM Entertainment - the same company that houses BoA - after winning a singing competition. It seems like all those Sundays that she got a train from her home town to Seoul for vocal lessons weren't in vain. As hard as it had been, her passion had kept her going. Now that the ball was rolling, there was no stopping her. She has a goal and she wants to achieve it no matter what. Just try and stop her. 

At 18, Taeyeon is living the life she has always dreamt about, she is preparing to debut under a 9 membered group, Girl's Generation. At first she was unsure about the size of the group, the concept, the songs. She's worried about everything little thing, but she reassures herself that they were just the typical worries that everyone faces before debut. Trainee life was slightly harder than she thought it would be, it made her view everything as a competition, but now she sees she has nothing to worry about. These girls will soon become like family to her and they will all learn to lean on and support each other. With their encouragements, she is ready for her next challenge.

A 25 year old Taeyeon is walking aimlessly down some random road at some random time at night. Her black cap is pushed down in front of her face, like usual, and her head is bent downwards. This is what has become of the younger, hopeful version of her. She has been through much in her life, happiness, sadness, criticisms and praises and that has all had a part in molding her into the person she is today. She is living every girl's dream: living in a nice house, owning a nice car and acquiring world wide popularity, it's a lot of pin on someone who used to be just another ordinary girl from Jeonju, Jeolla. Yet why is she not filled to the brim with happiness and content with her life?

“After I finish my schedule and I return back to the dorms...I just suddenly feel so lonely...” she recalls telling the cast and crew of Healing camp. It's now been about 8 years since her debut and Girl's Generation is now known as Korea's top girl group: this plus the facts that they're getting older, their bodies can't cope as well as they used to and they're just not fresh anymore means that the gaps in between comebacks have been getting larger and larger. Leaving her more time to feel lonelier and lonelier. Every second she spends alone, sitting in her room with nothing else to do because the packed schedules that had always kept her busy seemed to have come to a halt, only stresses her out more than relaxing her like the hiatus is meant to.

Before they'd come back with their latest hit 'Mr. Mr.' they'd had almost a year long break. All Taeyeon had done during that time was stay in the dorms - maybe go out whenever Tiffany pestered her enough - and it had just made her hyper aware of the fact that she was downright lonely.

What is the point in having garnered this much fame, this much money, this much status when at the end of the day your home doesn't feel like home and you don't even know where you belong anymore. The other girl's seem to be moving on just fine with their lives, all moving out, buying nice houses, Jessica decided she wanted to start doing fashion designing and Hyoyeon had even picked up skiing, but Taeyeon? She's got nothing right now. Not even singing gives her the same pleasure it used to. She can't sing anymore without thinking about trying to hit all the right notes, perfectly vocalizing things and all those stages she'd have to go through before she got to perfection. She can't go out anymore because whenever she's in a crowded area she feels as if everyone's judging her and scrutinizing her, they probably are when they're not going up to her - “Oh, you're Girl's Generation's Taeyeon ssi right?” - and asking for autographs.

The reality of being an idol has scooped out all her soul and identity, leaving her with a hollow shell and the title of Girl's Generation's Taeyeon. Because that's all she is now.

The young Kim Taeyeon had disappeared with her individuality and ability to think and speak for herself. The company couldn't care less about her inner struggle as long as she's still capable of attending her schedules on time and smile pleasantly for the cameras. It's not like the public can see the cracks in perfection from this far away anyway.​ She guards herself so well, even her members with whom she'd lived and worked with for the past 8 years can't see through her. 8 years coming and she still doesn't feel like she can lean on them and burden them with something as heavy as this. And that smile we just talked about? Well, she has it perfected to the point that you wouldn't even be able to tell if she was dying inside. 

She wonders if there was a way to turn back time and maybe talk the younger her into becoming a teacher or something more normal instead. Or maybe she could even drop out the group now? But she's wasted way too much time and sweat and tears just making it this far, if she were to do something like that then what would that make of her and the other members? 

Something rolls down her cheek, the dampness bringing her back to reality. Quickly wiping the stray tear away, Taeyeon pulls the cap further down to cover her face and decides it's probably time to go back home. Not that there's anything waiting for her there.

While hastily speed walking over to where her car was parked, she bumps into a stranger with enough force to send her stumbling back. With a gasp, the person reaches out and steadies her from around the waist before she could hurt herself. 

"Sorry," a masculine voice says to her. She avoids the man's gaze, but instead steps out of his hold and bows politely, mumbling a quick apology and ignoring the buring feeling his hand had left against her body.

"No, it was my fault," she says after swallowing down the lump in . The voice is so familiar to her, only distressing her more as she forces herself not to bolt. 

“Are...Are you ok?” She looks up before she can catch herself and is met with the face that has haunted her for the past 2 years. “Taeyeon noona?” This is not how she wanted to see him again: weak, helpless and crying. This is not a side of herself she'd want to show anyone, let alone him, who's able to make her heart feel things it hasn't in years. 

His bright face is paler under the moonlight and thinner now. It rings some alarm bells in her head, but she notices that his eyes are still bright. Maybe even brighter, if it were possible. It gives her a sense of peace.

'Might as well make use of that fake smile, Taeyeon ah,' she thinks to herself. 

After one deep breath to prepare herself, she forces the corners of her lips upwards and stares up at him like all's right in the world. “Baekhyun, why are you doing here?”

He seems stunned for a moment, long enough to make her believe that maybe her facade is working. 

"I was just getting a midnight snack for me and the members but--" and then he furrows his brows closer together, as if he'd just caught onto the way her lips are pressed too tightly together in hopes of making the quivering less obvious, the way her shoulder are deflated and the way her eyes are like two hollow orbs staring back at him.  “Are you crying, noona?”

Her eyebrows jump up a little, lips turning white at the pressure she is putting on them as she swallows down a sob. "Hmm? Me? N-no." The way that he is frowning down at her kills her faster than loneliness ever could. 'Oh no, don't do that to your pretty face. Don't do that because of me. Smile.'

They haven't really talked since the last SM town because there wasn't really a reason or opportunity to. But how Taeyeon wished she could have spoken to him. Maybe his presence could have soothed her emotions a bit? The boy had always had that kind of effect on her, his smile like a healing balm on her bruised and battered soul.  She doesn't know what it is that makes him so special, why she so desperately wants to reach up and pull him closer, why she wants to make him happy all the time. In all honesty, she's scared of finding out the answer. 

"Noona, I can tell," 'yes, but how? You're not meant to find out, you're meant to move on like you didn't notice anything and leave me alone.'

She can feel her heart start to palpate and accelerate, just like every other time that he is close to her. She still remembers that hopeless feeling she had back when they were performing at the SMtown concerts. The way she'd searched for him in the crowds and craved his smile to be directed at her is still fresh in her mind, it makes her feel so ashamed. She knows these are bad signs. Something's coming. This uncontrollable feeling will soon take over and devour her, leaving her feeling even more helpless than she'd ever been before. And he wouldn't even have had to lift a muscle. He would completely destroy her and she would willingly let him. 

"What's wrong?" 

They're still practically strangers so why is he looking down at her with such worry? 

'What have you done to me?'

And why does it send a feeling of warmth surging through her heart? 

'I wasn't meant to get this attached.'

And why does that warmth suddenly give her a whole new reason to cry?

'At least I know that I'm still capable of feeling.'

"Come with me," Baekhyun says when he realises that he won't be able to get her to co operate so easily. He forgoes all formalities, gently grabbing onto her wrist and tugging her down the street. 

a/n - this chapter got me teary eyed like no Taeyeon I love you and you don't deserve to feel this way but a writer's gotta write lol oh god this is almost 3k

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