Part 2

Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate

J I N Y O O N

He was always there, a few steps after his dongsaengs. It was safer that way, more comfortable. All of them were so tall he could always hide behind their backs. He felt more secure with them than with any of their bodyguards. No matter how well-trained, how stalwart they were, they would never replace his bandmates. They were his shields and guides, people he would always follow.

Kim Jinwoo dreaded doing things first, before others. Without any example given, he had no courage to do almost anything. The risk of making a mistake or committing a faux pas was too high for people who were constantly in the public eye. It was even higher for him. His carefree and thoughtless personality would lead to numerous misunderstandings or embarrassing situations he would keep reminding himself of the rest of his life.

They would come back to him at night, when he was lying in his bed, fruitlessly struggling to fall asleep. It seemed those humiliating memories loved that moment the most. They chose it as a perfect time to distress Jinwoo until there were tears in his eyes and he had to cover his head with a pillow so that no one would hear him cry. During the daytime, he tried not to show it, but at night he was so weak and susceptible. So terrified by his own imperfections. Disgusted with them.

Fans gave Jinwoo a nickname of the international lost kid, but in reality, he was more internally lost. The battle of adversative feelings within him was neverending. He was so glad their team had won WIN and debuted as WINNER, but at the same time he constantly questioned whether it was really a good thing. Well, he had no doubts about Seungyoon, Mino, Taehyun, and Seunghoon. All of them were so talented, they deserved fame and recognition. They had so many amazing things to show, so many gifts still waiting to be revealed and developed. And Jinwoo? Jinwoo had none. Yes, he could sing and dance quite well. He practised so hard to achieve that, drained himself out of energy during their trainee days. But he wasn’t good enough at it to consider himself someone worth being in the same band with people who were so perfect at everything. Jinwoo didn’t envy them, of course not, he loved all of them too much. Instead, he was proud of them. How could he not be? He watched them grow like his younger brothers. They grew up and Jinwoo stayed the same. All he could do was watch.

There must be a reason why Yang Hyunsuk hadn't kicked him out yet. Jinwoo tried to find it but everything what came to his mind was far from uplifting. Probably, he was simply entertaining. What was better than listening to Kim Jinwoo blabber nonsense? Or watching him trip and almost fall? He was cute, his looks made his clumsiness adorable. That must be his role, apparently.

Apart from that, he was excellent at being a burden. He was the oldest, but instead of showing a good example to his dongsaengs, he could only follow in their footsteps. That was a hopeless condition. No matter how hard he struggled, he never managed to improve it. But it was alright. He had already come to terms with it. The only thing he could do was not come in the way and disturb his bandmates on the way to success.

He was so lucky to have them. They accepted him the way he was. Probably, they got used to it thanks to all the years they trained as one team. Together they worked out a system that enabled Jinwoo to go fairly smoothly through their daily activities, from radio guesting to award shows. There were a few basic rules that put Jinwoo more at ease. These were simple things like never giving him a microphone and making him talk if it wasn’t necessary for all of them to speak. If it was avoidable, he didn’t answer a question as the first person just in case he misunderstood it. He wasn’t slow or retarded, but stress added to his diffidence. Strange things could arise out of nowhere when nervousness clouded his reasonable thinking. Fortunately, the boys were always there to save him from all the potential danger.

However, good things were never meant to last forever. Jinwoo had a feeling that sooner or later the others would have enough of coping with him. He could clearly imagine Taehyun's vexed expression as he would finally tell him to get a grip on himself and adapt to the rest. There was no reason to treat him as if he was something exceptional. As if he was a rose under a dome. Everyone would lose their patience in the end.

And yet, Jinwoo could be sure one person would stay by his side forever. There was someone who would be there for him no matter what. Someone ready to guide him, take his hand, lull him to sleep, find him at any time of the day or night. His guardian angel. His lighthouse. His personal human GPS, like he liked calling himself. Kang Seungyoon.

Jinwoo had no idea what was the reason behind it, but to him, Seungyoon was irreplaceable. If he was the prize Jinwoo got for all the good things he had done in his life, it was really worth it.

Seungyoon was the kind of person who never ignored Jinwoo sobbing and shaking under his duvet. No matter how exhausted he was, how hard his day had been, he would hear his hyung cry, even if Jinwoo thought he made no sound at all. Seungyoon simply knew. Every time, before Jinwoo could suffocate under his heavy bedding, choking on his own tears, a waft of fresh air was delivered by the younger boy, who removed the duvet from his head.

It had happened so many times that Jinwoo stopped counting them long ago. Nevertheless, he was unable to hide his surprise and dismay when it turned out he woke his roommate up. He looked at Seungyoon, searching for any signs of anger or disapproval in his expression. It could be dark in their room, Jinwoo’s vision could be blurry from tears, yet he was sure there was nothing in Seungyoon’s gaze but affection and care.

As he took him out of his bed and wiped his tears with the pads of his fingers, Jinwoo’s heart grew to an  immense size in his chest. It was so big and so warm inside he felt he was too weak to stand. He wanted to go back to bed, this time pulling Seungyoon with him to provide him with this comforting sensation till morning. But the younger boy had other plans. Taking Jinwoo’s hand, he led him to their kitchen, sat him in a chair, and prepared hot chocolate for him. Without any word being said, he would set the steaming cup in front of his hyung and smile at him. Jinwoo could do nothing but smile back. Seungyoon's hot chocolate was his worry reliever.

Their kitchen wasn’t the most pleasant spot in the house because of the amount of dirty dishes piled up in the sink, sticky tops, and bags full of trash they collected in the corner. Jinwoo usually avoided that place so he wasn’t asked to clean, but at night he didn’t mind being there with Seungyoon, even if it was smelly and dirty all around them. During the day, he always hoped that Taehyun would finally get mad at them and force Mino and Seunghoon to bring the kitchen back to the state of usability, but he couldn’t think about that when he was alone with Seungyoon. Instead, he thought of other things he wanted to tell him, but wasn’t brave enough to do so.

Sometimes they did talk - Seungyoon was asking questions, Jinwoo was answering. Sometimes, the younger boy would tell him something funny that had happened to him or somebody else. Sometimes, and Jinwoo liked these times the most, Seungyoon would invent a goodnight story, a fairy tale, in which Jinwoo was a prince, Seungyoon his knight, and the rest of the boys his most trusted guards. He liked that story. He liked Seungyoon. He liked his voice that soothed him and the arms that embraced him.

Of course, none of these things happened in the kitchen. When Jinwoo’s mug was empty and his stomach warmed up by the hot chocolate, they moved to the living room and cuddled on the sofa. They went back to their beds only when both of them were too sleepy to keep their eyes open. That was their rule, but Jinwoo often cheated and closed his eyes while he was snuggling his face against Seungyoon’s neck or chest. He never fell asleep, though, not even once. He liked Seungyoon’s stories too much.

Back in their room, Seungyoon would tuck Jinwoo into bed and brush his hair from his forehead.

“Goodnight, Hyung,” he whispered lovingly and smiled. Jinwoo’s eyes had adjusted to the darkness by then, so he could see the younger boy’s face clearly. “I hope you’ll have some sweet dreams. Dream about me, okay?” he added and chuckled while jumping under his own duvet.

Jinwoo knew he was simply joking, but silently, he prayed he would really dream about Seungyoon. It would be easier to ask him if they could sleep together or slip into his bed without saying anything, but he had no courage to do that. If Seungyoon suggested it, he would be more than willing to do it every night. Without it, he couldn’t make such a decision himself.

He was that kind of person that needed permission or a sign that it was okay to do something first. Mino had to show him it was alright to touch his hands. Jinwoo often played with his fingers out of nervousness or because he had nothing to do. Whenever Mino noticed that, he grabbed his hyung's hands and threaded his fingers through Jinwoo's. That was how Jinwoo knew it was fine to hold hands with Mino occasionally. Similarly, he hugged Seunghoon and leant against his shoulder because the other boy had once embraced him when Jinwoo was embarrassed and tried to hide his face. At home or during a concert or an interview, he would lean to Seunghoon when the boy was around and it felt so familiar and safe. Jinwoo hugged Taehyun too, but they prefered back or side hugs instead. It was nice to feel maknae’s weight on him and his arm around Jinwoo’s shoulders. He really treasured these moments, because Taehyun usually avoided physical contact with anyone else. Jinwoo felt special whenever the youngest boy touched him and fed him. Apparently, he enjoyed doing the latter as well.

Jinwoo would never do these things if he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t be turned down. His spontaneousness was very limited but he was good at hiding that fact. Yet, he knew Seungyoon was aware of it. He might have been the only one who realised that or the only one who decided to show that and do something about it.

It could be stressful and bothersome but from time to time, he encouraged Jinwoo to do things he hadn’t done before. Like leading the runway before their performance at Style Icon Awards. It made Jinwoo so sick that he was almost unable to walk and was sure he would vomit. For that reason, they didn’t appear at the red carpet and let Jinwoo calm down backstage. Taehyun said that he could do it instead of him, but Seungyoon didn’t let him. Jinwoo thought he hated him for that. He hated him for forcing him to do things he didn’t feel comfortable about.

But then Seungyoon smiled at Taehyun and said, “I know he can do it. He is the only one who can lead us. Jinwoo is our hyung after all."

Jinwoo’s thoughts of hatred vanished into thin air, together with his anguish and tension.

He led the runway just like Seungyoon asked him to. Afterwards, he was so proud of himself and everyone else was proud too, his bandmates, their fans, their crew. His leader. It would be impossible to achieve that without his support and all the faith he had in Jinwoo.

Thanks to Seungyoon, he was a little bit more courageous. It wasn't anything spectacular, but Jinwoo was progressing and it made him like himself more. At least he was aware he could improve. Maybe one day he would finally be able to do whatever he wanted without being afraid of misunderstandings or rejection.

He wished that day came sooner, he wished that day was today.

He was sitting next to Seungyoon in the back seat of a taxi on their way to the YG building. It was already dark outside, but it wasn’t very late. Despite that fact, Jinwoo was tired. Or probably tired wasn’t the right word. He was extremely exhausted. He had spent the whole day shopping in Mecenatpolis Mall, looking for Christmas gifts for his bandmates and some small treats for iKON members.

Everything was going smoothly until he decided it was time for him to go. Even if he tried following the information signs, he couldn’t find the right way out. When he finally managed to go outside, he had no idea where he was. It wasn’t the same entrance as the one through which he had come in. It didn’t look the same, but it could seem different because it was dark. Jinwoo was so confused, because honestly, he didn’t remember anything characteristic about it. He hadn’t been paying enough attention in all his excitement about going shopping all alone without any manager or bodygaurd. He had disguised himself well enough so that he could visit all the shops he wanted without anyone watching him constantly. His plan worked perfectly until he got lost.

What a surprising scenario, he thought bitterly as he was dragging his heavy shopping bags back into the mall. He was ready to give up, sit down, and cry, but then he spotted Dunkin’ Donuts on the other side of the hall.

Buying hot chocolate seemed to be the only reasonable thing to do. He ordered one from a special Christmas offer, and although it tasted nice, it was hardly as good as the hot chocolate prepared by Seungyoon.

“Seungyoonnnnn,” Jinwoo muttered almost inaudibly, savouring the sweetness of chocolate on his tongue till it left a salty after-taste of caramel. It tasted like tears, he decided. He knew that taste really well. He took another sip and a wave of chocolate washed the saltiness out of his taste buds.

Salted caramel hot chocolate was the flavour of Jinwoo’s nights spent with Seungyoon.

“Seungyoon,” Jinwoo repeated and took his phone out of the pocket of his coat.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Beep. Beep. Beep.

“Hyung?”

“Seungyoon-ah,” Jinwoo exhaled. “Tell me a story about Jinwoo the Prince, please.”

It took Seungyoon fifteen minutes to come there. He was panting heavily and his cheeks were flushed. Jinwoo recognised him immediately, even though he had sunglasses, a hat, and a scarf on.

“Hyung,” he said, just like he had done over the phone.

“Seungyoon-ah,” Jinwoo replied like an echo. Saying his name was comforting.

His hot chocolate was cold when they took their seats in the taxi. Jinwoo was holding the cup in his left hand and the shopping bags in the right one. Meanwhile, Seungyoon’s hand was resting on his thigh and the older boy was really tempted to take it and squeeze it thankfully, but he couldn’t let go of any of the things he was already holding. That was a good excuse.

Seungyoon’s fingers seemed white against the blackness of his trousers. Jinwoo watched them change colours together with the lights behind the car window out of which Seungyoon was looking. He was angry, wasn’t he? It was Friday and Jinwoo remembered that at this time on Fridays Seungyoon skyped his mum. Everyone at their dorm respected that and never disturbed their leader. But Jinwoo’s call made him come to find him, and to make matters worse, Jinwoo said he needed to leave his shopping at YG headquarters. He was sure that if he took it to their dorms Seunghoon and Mino would find everything before Christmas. They had decided to do Secret Santa this year, but Jinwoo bought gifts for everyone and he didn’t want anyone to find out.

The younger boy paid the taxi driver and both of them entered the building. Seungyoon was walking a few steps ahead of Jinwoo, but the shorter boy couldn’t speed up to match his pace because his bags were too heavy and took too much space around him. They barely managed to fit into the lift.

“What do you have in those bags, Hyung?” Seungyoon inquired, observing Jinwoo’s flustered face when he finally pushed himself into the lift and stood next to the leader.

“Things,” Jinwoo replied, trying to hide the bag with a sweater for Seungyoon. He bought sweaters for all the band members, just to be fair, but he didn’t want the younger boy to have even a glimpse at the one he got for him.

Seungyoon removed his hat, scarf, and glasses, and Jinwoo could finally see his handsome face; his dumpling cheeks and full rosy lips, his eyes that always looked at Jinwoo a bit differently than they did at others.

“Can you hold my cup?” Jinwoo asked, wanting to take off his cap and scarf as well. Besides, he had a feeling Seungyoon would suggest that he could take the bags when the lift stopped. Jinwoo was determined not to let him touch them.

Seungyoon agreed without a word of protest and took the Dunkin’ Donuts paper cup. He smelled the lid, but didn’t comment on it. The door opened and they got out, heading towards the lounge on the fourth floor. This time Seungyoon was following Jinwoo who dashed forward to hide all the bags in one of the locked cabinets. There was no one in the room at this hour and Jinwoo felt somehow relieved and nervous at the same time because of it.

When everything was safely locked, Jinwoo straightened up and turned towards Seungyoon, who was standing in the middle of the room. He shoot him a shy, apologetic smile, and bit the inside of his cheek. His gaze escaped Seungyoon’s and he looked at the ceiling instead, and for a while he watched the Christmas decorations that appeared there about a week ago. He should say something, but he had no idea what to start with. Saying that he was sorry for making Seungyoon come for him and disturbing him when he was supposed to talk with his mum? Or maybe thanking him for saving him today? If it hadn't been for him, Jinwoo would still be sitting in the shopping mall until they would start closing.

“Hyung, your drink,” Seungyoon said, changing the track of Jinwoo’s thoughts.

“Oh,” Jinwoo breathed out, looking at him again.

He approached the younger boy, reaching out his hand. Their fingers touched when Seungyoon handed him the cup and Jinwoo’s insides squeezed. He blushed and refused to meet Seungyoon’s glance. Instead he glued his eyes to the button of his coat.

“You seem to be the best Secret Santa any of us could get,” Seungyoon said and chuckled. “I bought only some fancy cufflinks, nothing more. Whoever is going to get your gift is definitely going to be more satisfied. I wish it could be me.”

Jinwoo giggled, because he couldn’t stop himself.

“It’s not you,” Jinwoo said, looking up with a full smile. Sadly, he added in his mind.

He was Seunghoon’s Secret Santa. That didn’t mean Seungyoon wouldn't get a gift from him, but of course, he couldn’t tell him that.

“That’s a pity,” Seungyoon shrugged with a heavy sigh.

“I’m sorry for being a burden,” Jinwoo blurted out unexpectedly, making the leader look at him in pure surprise.

He furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head.

“What are you talking about, Hyung? I’ve told you many times, you’re not a burden. You’ve never been one and you’ll never be,” Seungyoon stated firmly.

“B-But I disturbed you today. And you had to come for me because I am so stupid and got lost again. I’m hopeless. I’m sorry. I’m-”

A hand landed on top of his head making Jinwoo choke on his next sentence.

“Shhh,” Seungyoon shushed him. “You. Are. Not. A Burden. Hyung.” He emphasised each word as if he wanted to make sure Jinwoo would understand it this time. “If it really was a problem, I would send Mino or Seunghoon to get you. But I wanted to come myself. There is nothing you should worry about.”

“Thank you. You’re always so nice to me, Seungyoon-ah,” Jinwoo mumbled, feeling tears gathering in his eyes. He stopped them immediately. Seungyoon seeing him cry was the last thing he wanted, even if these were tears of happiness.

“Guess why it is so?” Seungyoon said a bit teasingly, making Jinwoo smile at him again. His hand slid down the shorter boy's hair to Jinwoo’s neck and it stayed there like it was anticipating something.

Jinwoo looked in Seungyoon’s eyes, suddenly realising how close they were. The place where the younger boy’s hand lay was almost burning under his touch. Jinwoo’s knees began to tremble as they begged him to either make a step forward or turn around and run away.

“You should reconsider being my Secret Santa, Hyung.”

Having said that, Seungyoon looked up and Jinwoo followed his glance.

He held his breath. In fact, both of them did. It seemed that the room filled with vacuum, as if anything could be filled with nothing. There was no air nor gravity around them. There was only the two of them and the green branches above their heads. A mistletoe.

Seungyoon did that again. He encouraged Jinwoo to do something without giving him an example. It was a thing only he could do.

It felt like a dream, when Jinwoo climbed on his tiptoes and leant towards Seungyoon. His heart leaped in his chest wanting to remind Jinwoo that he should breathe and provide his blood with oxygen. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe, so he pressed his lips against the younger boy’s, wanting to share his breath. He landed on the softest of pillows and then Seungyoon was already kissing him back, wrapping his arm around Jinwoo’s waist and bringing him closer.

Jinwoo couldn’t hold his tears back anymore. They spilled over his lower eyelids and soon he could feel them between their lips. Seungyoon must have tasted them as well, because he tightened his grip around Jinwoo, wordlessly telling him he should stop crying.

The hand that was holding the Dunkin’ Donuts cup started shaking and soon it was too weak to hold it any longer. The cup fell to the ground, the brownish drink spilling next to their feet. Jinwoo’s freed fingers grabbed a fistfull of Seungyoon’s coat as he embraced him like he always wanted to.

He didn’t care about the spilled chocolate. He could still taste it on his tongue, tears mixed with the warmth and sweetness of Seungyoon’s mouth.

Salted caramel hot chocolate was the flavour of Jinwoo’s first kiss with Seungyoon.

Unlike what he did with the cup, he would never let him go.

~~~~

A comment to tell Jinwoo he is perfect the way he is~ ♥

Special thanks to noh_okama for her ivaluable help ^___^