Christmas night

 

It was snowing outside, the cold frozen water laying all over the pavement, sparkling in the moonlight. It was very quiet as well, not even the birds made a noise. The nights in the big city called Seoul were usually very eventful and loud, someone or something was always making a noise. But not this night. This night was as still as it could be, the whole city was enjoying the unusual silence. 

 

It was beautiful. Jongin had never seen anything as beautiful. He was drinking the sight of the cold night with his eyes, enjoying the way the snow made noises under his shoes while he slowly walked down the empty street. It was very very late, and Jongin guesses everyone around him was  asleep. He wondered what they were dreaming about. Perhaps presents, or what they would do on Christmas night? Perhaps someone was having a nightmare, afraid of being alone?

 

Jongin used to have a lot of nightmares, his past always chasing him in his supposed to be calm hours. He had been going crazy from the lack of sleep, not knowing what to do. He always, always woke up screaming, having dreamt about a father he never ever wanted to remember. A father who hit, drank and screamed. A father who hurt his mother, who hurt Jongin. A father no one should have. Jongin had tried to forget the bastard ever since he went to prison for almost killing his mother, and he did a great job at putting it in the back of his mind. At least when he was awake, and could control it. But when he was asleep, it came out. Everything came back. 

 

Jongin had been crying every night. He had been so tired, all he wanted to do was sleep soundly just for once, but he couldn’t. The dreams were still there. That was the reason he started going out in the middle of the night.

 

It had been a time when the nightmares had been explicitly horrible, and Jongin had woken up by his own screams. He hadn’t known what to do to get the thoughts out of his head, so he had taken his earphones and put on training clothes, running out in the lively night. He had ran on the almost empty streets, with the music blasting in his ears, and it had helped. He calmed down. He felt better. He felt good, for the first time in long. And when he had gotten back, going back to sleep once more, the dreams had been a lot less bad, and he could actually sleep a big part of the night. Finally, Jongin could sleep, just a little bit. And a little bit was enough.

 

Going out for a jog in the middle of the night wasn’t meant to become a habit, but still it did. He found himself going out almost every night, to horrified with his own memories. The fresh air and cold night had become his savior, in a way. He found peace, being out like that. He felt like he could forget, truly forget, just for a moment. And it had never felt better.

 

His friends had noticed a small change. They noticed Jongin seemed a little bit happier, a little bit less tired. And they had congratulated him for it. If they had known what made him happier they probably would've been mad, since Soul wasn't the safest place at night, but they didn't know about Jongin’s past either. And perhaps if they did know, they would've understood. But perhaps not. Jongin were always afraid his friends would leave when they found out what kind of freak he really was, and therefore he never dared to tell them. He didn't want to bother them, and over all, he didn't want to loose them. Because if they left Jongin wouldn't have anyone left, but himself, and a father in prisson. 

 

His mother had died a couple of years back, fighting with her cancer all the way to the end. Jongin had been there every step of the way, comforting her the best he could, telling her she was doing so well, that she was being so good. He never yelled, he never cried. because his mother never cried either. Not even when she got hit by that horrible father. The only time she cried, the only time she got really angry was when her husband hit Jongin. She never let him do that without a fight, and once his father hit Jongin so bad the almost broke his arm, almost killed his mother, she finally hit back. She hit him hard, and then she called the police. She got him into prisson, for life. 

 

Jongin’s mother was one of he bravest people Jongin had never known. He missed his mother every day that went by, he wanted to cry for her, but he still remembered those last words for him

 

Fight on Jongin ah. Always with a smile on your face. Life is about having fun, life is about living. Have fun, son. Have fun.

 

and Jongin would never forget those words, since they were as true as they could be. Life moved on, and he just had to move on with it. Laughing was the best medicine, his mother always said, and Jongin agreed. Laughing was the best.

 

Jongin continued down the dark streets of the city, his feet moving fast and quietly, being used to  run. Jongin never felt it was hard to run, to move, it was something he rather loved. He was tall and slim, he had the body of a dancer, and it had always been his dream to be one. His mother had always supported his dream, telling him he would be amazing. To be a dancer was still Jongin’s dream, and it would always be his dream. He sometimes performed on smaller shows, or sometimes just out on the street, getting praised from the people around him. And he loved it. 

 

He finally reached his destination of his little long run. It was at a little lake, laying in a big park, were there usually was a lot of people. But not this night. This night it was quiet. Cold. Wonderful. 

 

Jongin turned the volume up just a little bit more, setting his favorite song on repeat. He closed his eyes, smiled, and started dancing. The movements were slow, sensual, filled with emotions and hidden pain. He danced like he had never danced before, the stillness around him brining out everything he felt. It had never felt that good to be dancing, as it did when Jongin danced in the middle of the night. It was something about the late hours that made him more open to the dancing his heart wanted to let out. He always hid his real emotions in the day, but never in the night, and therefore his dancing at night felt more real, more truthful. 

 

Once Jongin was finished, he was panting hard, chest moving up and down in rapid motions, while he forced air down his lungs. He was tired now, his mussels aching, and that was he loved the most. The feeling of actually have done something.

 

As he pulled out his earphones, he got a strange feeling someone was looking at him, and he turned around. In the shadow if the park, just by the lake, was a boy standing. At least he looked like a boy, to Jongin. He had big brown eyes, white skin, filly lips, a nice smile. He was short and thin, he looked fragile and still strong. Jongin found himself fascinated. 

 

”Hello” he said lowly. ”How long have you been standing there?”

 

The boy smiled. ”Since the beginning” he said and started moving closer to Jongin. ”You dance really well, you know. Are you a professional?”

 

Jongin smiled and shook his head. ”No, but it’s my dream to be one. I am learning at a dance academy and I really hope to be a dancer in the future.”

 

The boy tilted his head. ”Why dancing?”

 

Jongin laughed a little. ”Why not. It’s simply one of those few things in my life which makes me happy. I love dancing, and when I do it’s the only time I truly, really feel free. It’s a wonderful sensation.”

 

The other boy nodded. ”I understand what you mean. I am like that with cooking, and singing. It has always ben my dream to be a singer, and a cook. I know it’s to pretty different wishes lined up next to each other, but that is just what I want.”

 

Jongin nodded, as well. ”I completely understand. And just so you know, I think your wishes fit perfectly together. I love when people sing well, and I love food. It’s the perfect combination, right?”

 

The boy laughed. It was a strange, pretty loud laugh, but at the same time it was so amazing to listen to. It was filled with life, love, and hidden secrets. Jongin found himself mesmerized. 

 

”I am Jongin” he said, and stretched out his hand. ”What is yours?”

 

The boy smiled, widely, and took Jongin’s outstretched hand, firmly shaking it. ”My name is Kyungsoo.”

 

”Well Kyungsoo, I know this might be weird, but would you like to accompany me for coffee this late winter night?”

 

Kyungsoo laughed, once more. ”it would be an honor” he said. Jongin smiled.

 

When the pair finally found a coffee shop which was still open that late at night, they were both pretty hungry as well, and they found themselves ordering a very early breakfast as well. It was pancakes, waffles, sandwiches, orange juice, coffee and Nutella The perfect breakfast, in Jongin’s opinion, just as it was in Kyungsoo’s opinion.  As they ate their breakfast and drank their coffee they found themselves talking about there lives. Jongin found out, to his absolute shock, that Kyungsoo was older than him, and that he actually should call Kyungsoo hyung. Kyungsoo said it was fine with his name though, and Jongin had been grateful. He liked Kyungsoo’s name, he liked saying it. it would've felt wrong to start calling him hyung.

 

He also found out that Kyungsoo also had trouble sleeping at night, and that it was the reason he also had been out.

 

”I have actually seem you at the lake before” Kyungsoo explained, while munching on a pancake. ”Although i never dared to come up to you before tonight. And I wasn't really expecting you to notice me either, so I was quite shocked when you turned around and looked at me.”

 

Jongin smiled, for the what is felt like like hundred time that night. ”Yeah, it was a lucky guess, but it felt just like someone was looking at me, so I turned around, and there you were.”

 

”You must’ve thought I was being really creepy.”

 

”No, not really. I was just surprised to see someone else than me out in the cold weather. It was quite refreshing though, to see someone else. It has been a while.”

”Well people don’t really tend to party so much that they are still out at this hour, especially not so close to Christmas. It’s really cold as well, which probably scared a lot of people off. But I kind of have to ask something. Why were you out tonight? Aren’t you supposed to go to school tomorrow?”

Jongin laughed silently. ”Yes, you are absolutely right, but we have a free day tomorrow so it’s fine, and this is also something I do pretty often. I have a hard time sleeping at night, and it always feels a little bit better after I have been out, letting out some steam.”

 

”Why do you have trouble sleeping?”

 

Jongin looked down at the table, taken aback by the sudden question.

 

”I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.” Kyungsoo looked very apologetic and guilty.

 

Jongin shook his head quickly. ”No it’s fine, it’s just that I have never told anyone this story before.”

 

”Not even your friends?”

 

”No. Not even them. It’s just that it’s so painful for me, and I am afraid that if they know what I’ve been through they are going to think that I am a creep.”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t say anything, he just quietly looked at Jongin with his big understanding eyes. It was like they were telling Jongin he could tell Kyungsoo everything. And to his big surprise, he wanted to tell Kyungsoo everything.

 

So he did. ”When I was little my mother and father and me lived in a big house out on the countryside. I was a pretty happy kid back then, and I had fun with my mother and father. But then my father started to come home later and later from work, and he got more and more quiet and aggressive. Sometimes he came home stumbling around, mumbling incoherent words, and it wasn’t until later I realized it was because he was drunk. 

 

He started hitting my mother only a few months later. The first time it was a slap on the cheek, and even though she was bruised she told me it was fine when I worried. That my father had apologized right away, swearing he would never do it again. But he did. The next time he came home drunk, he hit her again. And again. And again. It never stopped, no matter how many times he said he would stop. No matter how may times he promised.

 

Every time he hit her it got a little worse, and I remember trying to protect my mother. That’s when he hit me for the first time, and I remember my mother screaming for him to stop, pulling him off of me, and he hit her even more than before. Afterwards she told me it was better that I didn't interfere. That way the injuries would be as minor as possible. So I stayed away, until one day when he hit her really badly. I remember him hitting her with a piece of wood from the fireplace, and I remember how much she was bleeding. I tried to pry him off, and then he hit me really badly as well. I alost broke my arm, and that’s when my mom lost it. She hit my father back, hard. So hard I think she broke her own hand in the process. She screamed at him what a horrible person he was, how he should be ashamed of himself. And I think that made him wake up a bit, because he stopped hitting my mother back and he just slumped down, and my mother hit him so hard he went unconscious. 

 

After that she called the cops and an ambulance, and my father was arrested and my mother and me were taken to the hospital. My mother almost died that night, from internal bleeding. And after she survived, finally, we received the news that she had gotten cancer in her head, and that there was nothing they could do about it. That she would live for about ten more years, since the tumor was so small, but that it couldn't be taken away. It was a pretty horrible feeling, knowing that your mother was going to die about ten years from that day.

 

And they were very accurate. She died exactly ten years after she got the news, after a long time of fighting it, and feeling like . And I do very well to just push away all that when I’m awake, but I can’t do it in my sleep. I dream of it, every night, the times he hit her, when he hit me, when she died, over and over again. Some times are worse than others, but all times are bad. 

 

I discovered it got a little easier after started jogging in the middle of the night, but I am still afraid of the day when that will stop working as well. I am so scared that I will never be able to sleep normally. All I want to do is sleep, but I can’t. I just can’t.” Jongin finished of his long rant, voice laced with desperation and sadness. He didn't realize he was crying until Kyungsoo leaned forward and slowly dried the tears off.  

 

”Shh, Jongin ah. It’s okay. Everything will be alright eventually, I promise. It’s okay, just let it all out.” He slowly put his arms around the crying form that was Jongin, and held him close, letting the boy wet his shirt with his salty tears, letting his muffled sobs shake his whole being. He just sat quietly, patting Jongin’s back, telling him softly that it would be alright. 

 

When Jongin finally stopped crying, Kyungsoo still didn't let go. ”I am like you, you know, in pretty many ways. I also have  a rough past. When I was smaller me and my family, my mother father and little sister were involved in a car accident, and the only ones who survived was me and my little sister. Both our parents died, and we found ourselves being moved from foster home to foster home. We refused to be separated, and therefore we always ended up in weird placed, with horrible so called parents. All we wanted was to be free, to be happy. And then finally one day, this amazing couple came and wanted to care of us, and they did. They were the best parents me and my sister have ever had, but now they are dead as well. They died the exact same way as my parents did, in a horrible accident, and my sister never got over it. 

 

She has been crying every day since then, and it was about six years ago. She can’t do anything, she can’t work, she can’t take care of herself. She is just broken, broken and I don’t know what to do to fix her. There is nothing I can do. I have tried everything, talking to her, making her see a professional, several actually, but nothing has helped. She is just gone, it’s like her spirit is not left in her body. She is just a shell. 

 

It’s so painful to watch, you know. It’s so painful to see her that way when I remember how she used to be like, what a happy and faithful kid she was. It hurts so much, and sometimes I wonder why god had to do this to us. She didn't deserve it. She didn’t.”

 

Now Kyungsoo was crying instead, and now it was Jongin holding him close, letting him cry. ”Kyungsoo” he said lowly. ”God has nothing to do with this. Everything that happens happens because life is . There’s nothing we can do to change the future, and there’s nothing we can do to change the past. That is the simple truth. Life is unfair, and it will always be unfair. It’s not right what happened to your sister, but never believe god did this to punish you in some way, because that’s not it. It.Just.happened. And it wasn't your fault. It’s never your fault.”

 

Kyungsoo just cried more, because Jongin had said just what he was afraid to tell. That it somehow was his fault that his sister ended up the way she did. But Jongin had realized anyways, and he had told him exactly what he needed to hear. He had tried telling himself the same thing so many times, but it was different when Jongin said so. Because Jongin was a stranger Kyungsoo had come to love, without much effort. A few hours of talking had brought them so close, it was like they had been friends since they were small. It was like they knew each other.

 

”You know” Kyungsoo mumbled to Jongin once he stopped crying, as well. ”It’s like I have known you for a long time. You are the only person I have ever met who realized I blame myself, and we have only known each other’s names for a few hours.”

 

Jongin smiled, once more. ”I feel the same. Some people believe that when you have found your true soulmate, even when the persons die, they will find each other once more, all in different forms, but they will still find each other. That not even time and space can separate them. It does feel like I have known you for a long time, and in some ways that’s scary, but in so many ways it feels so good. I have never felt this… connected to anyone.”

 

”I feel the same” Kyungsoo said, while siting up, looking at Jongin properly. He slowly leaned forward, and Jongin felt himself do the same. 

 

When their lips touched, it was like a blow to the head. Memories of laughing, crying and screaming with and at someone, someone he loved, someone he had always loved, and always would love. He couldn’t see the persons face, and Jongin realized that it was because the face had been so many, with the same soul.

 

The kiss was soft, tender and sweet, filled with so much love both of the boys felt like they were going to burst, that their hearts were going to jump out of their chests. It felt right, and none of them would want it to be any other way.

 

When they broke the kiss, Kyungsoo’s eyes were sparkling the same way Jongin’s was. They didn't have to say anything, but they both knew they had experienced the same thing, the same memories. 

 

They stood up to leave, in a quiet manner, paying the waitress, who looked like she had just watched a drama final. And that was probably what is looked like. They both headed down the cold, snow-covered street together, hand in hand, not caring of the rest of the world. They had started talking once more, they shared all their memories. They were ”catching up.”

 

Once Jongin reached his apartment, he just looked at Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo just nodded, following Jongin up. Once they were inside, Kyungsoo made some tea, while Jongin showered. The tea smelled wonderful, like roses and fruit, and they drank it while sharing even more stories, even more laughter. It was like they had never done anything else. 

 

Their worries were still there, the pain was still evident. But now they wouldn't have to face the pain alone anymore. Now they had each other. And Jongin knew he would carry Kyungsoo the same way Kyungsoo had always carried him. They were two lost souls, who finally had found their way home. Kyungsoo and Jongin belonged together, they needed each other. The would always need each other. 

 

Jongin loaned Kyungsoo some clothes to sleep in, and laughed out how hilariously big they looked at him. Kyungsoo just sighed at the younger, blushing. It was embarrassing, the fact that he was so tiny. His only friend who was he same was Jongdae, but that boy carried so much confident it made him look bigger.

 

They crept down in bed together, Jongin on the right side, Kyungsoo on the left. Like they never had done anything else. They shared the covers, huddling together for warmth. The apartment was cold. Jongin felt so comfortable next to the boy he had met for the first time that day, but still felt like he had known forever. 

 

It was so weird, but Jongin loved Kyungsoo already, even though he didn't know how he behaved when he was angry or jealous or drunk. Maybe because he didn't care. He would love Kyungsoo for everything he was, just like he had so many times before. He would love him forever.

 

Kyungsoo also thought about how strange it was that he already loved the boy he had found dancing in the snow. But at the same time, he didn't feel it was strange at all. He was everything Kyungsoo had ever wished for, his soul had been looking for him since he was reborn. Jongin was so beautiful in Kyungsoo’s eyes. He was tall, lanky, strong, tanned. Perfect. He was his, and he would never let go. He would love Jongin forever, just like he had so many lives before. He would love him always. He had no other choice. His heart would always search for Jongin, even though the love of that life was standing right infront of him. The same it would be for Jongin.

 

And then, in each other’s arms, on that cold winter night, Jongin and Kyungsoo fell asleep. For the first time that lifetime, in so many years, they slept without nightmares.

 

 

“What’s the difference?” I asked him. “Between the love of your life, and your soulmate?”

“One is a choice, and one is not.” 

― Tarryn Fisher, Mud Vein

 

 

 

 

 

 

God jul Sandra! Jag hoppas att du tyckte den var bra! Jag tackar för ett fantastiskt roligt år, jag har inte mått så här bra på länge:) Ha det superbra i Spanien nu.

Love you!;) ^^<3

 

Thank you everybody for reading! Please leave a comment if you feel like it, and tell me what you think!:) Marry Christmas!!!! Have great holidays, if you don’t celebrate Christmas:)