Chapter 3

Fall 1952

In hora mortis, ora pro nobis peccatoribus.

Sancta Maria, ora pro nobis.

Amen.

The Korean Civil War entered its second year. Despite having reached a stalemate, as both sides dwindled in supplies and man power, the warfare continued. Albeit, it continued at much smaller scales and a much slower pace, painfully grinding away the surviving soldiers’ sanity. Many a young man’s eyes blanked and their cheeks hollowed as they spent each day in between the bloody trenches. Realization dawned upon them that death was a more consistent companion than most of their bunk mates. While some, like Kyungsoo, kept to themselves in avoidance of experiencing more grief from losing friends in addition to the suffrage of war, others still bravely formed bonds with their fellow soldiers.

Kyungsoo both envied and pitied those of such brave hearts. He envied because he could no longer find the courage to risk losing again, while he pitied because he knew too well the pain of loss. In eight years, he had lost all of his loved ones. A few years after moving to Busan, his mother passed away quietly in the old estate and his brother followed soon after at the onset of the war. Before long, typhoid stripped him of his in-laws and wife, leaving him behind to defend a bankrupting business in a society plunged into chaos. Enraged and in grief, Kyungsoo loathed the world and his broken reality with a grudge; he became solidary and cold, isolating himself from any helping means and human interactions. Gradually, the initial heated hatred faded and sadness that only the truly alone could understand settled in. Every night in the darkest hours of the night, Kyungsoo laid awake peering into the darkness, and listened to the void in his heart grow as depression ate away at his sanity and soul. He became insomniac, for sleep only brought about haunting dreams and illusions of happier times.

Day by day, the light in his eyes dimmed as fatigue tolled away at him. He felt like he was trapped in hell on earth and there was no longer any salvation for him. So, he waited for his inevitable demise and for his call into war. Before long, his drafting letter arrived in his mail, and without any hesitation, Kyungsoo disposed of what was left of his in-law’s business. As he sat in his empty room the night before departure, he wordlessly and calmly packed his possessions: simply the only picture of his family, a notebook, a change of cloth, and a bookmark of pressed magnolia flower. Everything else he had he either sold or gave away; he was planning a trip of no return. The next day, sitting alone at the end of the train department with only a canvas backpack in hand, Kyungsoo watched his surrounding with discerning eyes. He watched as other soldiers tearfully waved goodbye to their family and friends through the small windows and his heart clenched painfully. He no longer had anyone to wave to and his tears had long since run dry.

He was sure he would die the first week on the front since the urgency of war practically sent him and many of his countrymen into combat with minimal trainings. But life proved to have a different plan for him. Over and over again, Kyungsoo survived each battle and was forced to witness countless death of strangers and acquaintances around him. Slowly, his already withered heart hardened and he sank deeper into depression. On many sleepless nights, Kyungsoo agonized over the purpose of his existence: why was he, someone who had no one left in this world, allowed to survive while young men who had family and friends eagerly awaiting their return die? Why must he always remain to observe the cruelty of reality and experience the misery of solitude? Why was he still alive?

So once again, Kyungsoo charged into battle with a heavy mind and a readiness to die. The chilling autumn wind swirled the smoke from gun fire and explosions around him angrily. Ironically, the smoke that epitomized danger had always comforted him on the battlefields because it reminded Kyungsoo of eyes that used to regard him with love. Squinting cautiously, Kyungsoo raised his riffle to shoot when he spotted a human figure in the distance. However, before he could fire, his entire body was flung backward by a repelling force and a bullet pierced into his body. Immobilized by the impact of the explosion, Kyungsoo laid powerlessly on the rugged ground and gasped feebly for air. Blood pumped vigorously from his heart and out of his wound. Instinctive, Kyungsoo placed his hand on the gaping wound in hopes of damming the outflow of blood. However, the damage was already done.  Rapidly, Kyungsoo’s vision blurred from the loss of blood and pain, and strength quickly left his body. Realizing he was actually dying, Kyungsoo smiled bitterly and felt a pang of regret in his heart. He thought he would gladly welcome his demise, yet when death welcomed him with open arms, he still longed for the life he thought was cruel. All of a sudden, waves of complicated emotions washed over the dying man and hot tears streamed down his burning face out of his stinging eyes. Wistfully, Kyungsoo took one long, last look at the rolling clouds of smoke covering the clear October sky and unwillingly, he was overtaken by the darkness.

---

“Where do you think people go after they die?”

“That’s an awfully morbid question, young master.”

“Don’t call me that,” a scowl, “Seriously Soo, where do you think they go?”

“… Somewhere they can be happy forever, I guess.”

“That sounds nice...”

The harvest moon was high in the sky. Two boys laid side by side on the bed, and underneath their shared blanket, their fingers were intertwined.

“But if I die tomorrow and you’re still alive, does that mean I will remain on earth and haunt you until you die?”

“… What are you talking about, Chanyeol?” a frown, “Why would you haunt me?”

“Because I can only be happy forever if I am with you, Kyungsoo!” a smile, “So if you’re still alive and I’m dead, I have no choice but to haunt you!”

“… I see. Well, I’d rather you’re alive than being a ghost, so don’t die anytime soon.”

“Okay, hehehe…” a pause, “Kyungsoo?”

“Hm?”

“If you die before I do, will you haunt me too?” A glance of hope.

“Of course. I’ll always be with you and wait for you, until you’re ready to go.” A look of sincerity.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

---

Kyungsoo awoke to the sound of raindrops hitting canvas tents. His eyes stung and throbbed, and the skin on his face and neck itched painfully. There was nothing but blackness in his sight. Disoriented and confused by his blindness, Kyungsoo attempted to sit up only to feel a sharp pain in his chest, making him groan in agony. Forced to lie down again, the injured man heaved labour breaths and placed his wiry arm carefully over his eyes. The rough texture of bandage grazed Kyungsoo’s skin, providing some vague explanation for his sightlessness.

“Um, you shouldn’t move so much.” A hesitant and childish voice interrupted the stillness in the room, startling Kyungsoo. Alarmingly, the injured man raised an arm and a small, warm hand grabbed his searching limb gently.

“It’s alright,” The voice comforted, “I’m here to look over you. My name is Oh Sehun.”

Awkwardly Kyungsoo nodded towards the direction of the voice and allowed his arm to be held. He had forgotten how warm a living human being was. Weakly, Kyungsoo croaked.

“Thank you.”

“Oh, you’re welcome!” Sehun replied cheerfully. He smiled warmly at Kyungsoo even though the latter could not see, and his eyes curved into crescents.

After a brief silent, Kyungsoo inquired timidly, his voice barely audible. “Where am I, exactly?”

“You’re at a Red Cross field hospital,” Sehun explained, “You’re really lucky, you know. If we found you any later, you sure would have been a goner. You lost so much blood, the doctor wasn’t even sure if you’d survive. But now you’re awake!”

“… how long was I out for?” still feeling faint, Kyungsoo could not bring himself to share the younger boy’s excitement.

“4 days.”

Sehun watched as Kyungsoo gingerly ran his hand up and down the wooden plank his leg was attached to and knowingly, he began to inform the older man of his condition.

“A bullet barely missed your heart, so you’ve lost a lot of blood. You ankle is also broke, so you won’t be able to walk for a while. But now the bullet is out of your chest, a broken ankle is nothing really! As for your skin, they were just slightly burned by some kind of gas and I’ve already applied burnt ointment for you. Don’t worry, there won’t be any burn scars. And your eyes…” Sehun hesitated.

“And my eyes?” Kyungsoo whispered nervously.

“Your eyes… they were exposed to some kind of gas and the doctors tried their best to treat them. They… they are not sure what will happen but the nurses said they will remove the bandages in a week’s time to see.” Kyungsoo’s body froze and Sehun tightened his hold around Kyungsoo’s frail arm in an attempt to comfort.

“Not everyone goes blind, really! I’ve seen people recover before and I am sure you will too!” The younger boy quickly added in a tone of optimism, trying to give Kyungsoo some hope, “I will stay with you the whole time and when Doctor Kim returns, he will try his best to help you too.”

The room settled into silence again and Sehun fidgeted in his chair by the bed. The young boy watched as Kyungsoo chewed on his bottom lip gravely and traced the bandage around his eyes without a word. Frowning slightly, Sehun sympathized with the injured man. Despite his young age, he had seen enough men come and go at the hospital to know the permanent damage gas can have on the human eyes. The field hospitals could only alleviate the immediate pain of such injuries but they could not save the soldiers from a lifetime in darkness. Even if some lucky ones regain their sight after a week or so, their eyes would deteriorate much faster than most and permanent blindness was only a matter of time. Sehun prayed that Kyungsoo possessed such luck; a lifetime of nothing but darkness would be too cruel for anyone. Seeing the older man wallowing more and more into sadness, Sehun attempted to start up a conversation.

“Um, what is your name, hyung?”

After a long pause, the older man answered quietly.

“…Doh Kyungsoo.”

“Nice to meet you, Kyungsoo hyung. Would you mind me asking how old you are?”

“…I am twenty-five.”

“Oh, you’re just one year younger than Doctor Kim!” Sehun commented excitedly, hoping his chatter will help to provide some much needed distraction for the other. Even though they had just met, the younger boy could not help but feel an affinity towards the injured man; perhaps it was Kyungsoo gentle disposition, which reminded Sehun of his father very much. “Actually, you’re in Doctor Kim’s bed right now because all the wards ran out of beds. Ah don’t worry, Doctor Kim won’t mind at all that you’re in his bed. He won’t return until couple of days later anyways.” Sehun chattered on, “Oh and I am ten this year, in case you wondered.”

Numbly, Kyungsoo nodded. Taking this respond as a positive sign, Sehun continued his monologue.

“I met Doctor Kim half a year ago. My entire family passed away when we were caught in crossfire and I was the only one that survived… Doctor Kim found me and I’ve been by his side since then. So now I am his assistant and he is my guardian. I really am grateful to him.”

Kyungsoo tilted his head towards Sehun’s voice. He felt apologetic for the boy’s experience, but the younger boy simply his arm in a soothing manner and continued in a murmur.

“Doctor Kim always said life is unfair and painful, but that does not mean we must lose all hope. You too, Kyungsoo hyung, please don’t lose hope. I will pray for you every night. You seem like a nice person, so I am sure God would not be so cruel to strip you of your sight so soon. So please, please don’t lose hope.”

The sincerity in Sehun’s voice touched Kyungsoo deeply and the latter exhaled a shaky breath. Finally, Kyungsoo whispered, his voice barely audible.

“Thank you, Sehun.”

---

In the following days, Sehun stayed and chattered around Kyungsoo whenever he was free and the older man was awake. He told Kyungsoo stories of his childhood, of his family in the past, stories he had heard and made up himself, and of course, stories of Doctor Kim. Slowly, Sehun wormed his way into Kyungsoo’s heart and the older man could not help but began to feel a certain attachment to the boy. He made Kyungsoo remember the pleasure of interacting closely with another person and their blooming friendship definitely helped to ease some of the anxiety he felt. The boy kept his morale up and as each day went by, Kyungsoo felt a little bit more hopeful. Sehun on the other hand also relished his budding relationship with the older man. Even though Kyungsoo barely spoke, Sehun could see the older man listened earnestly to everything he said. That made Sehun extremely content with himself; he was happy at least someone enjoyed his stories.

On the fifth day since he had arrived at the hospital, Kyungsoo sat nervously by the edge of the bed and listened to Sehun flutter about in the tent. Doctor Kim was returning today, apparently, and the younger boy was evidently excited about the doctor’s return. Kyungsoo wished he could share Sehun’s enthusiasm but he was rather nervous. After all, he was intruding on the doctor’s living quarters. He tried to convince Sehun the previous day that he should go to the hospital ward with the other patients, but Sehun stubbornly refused and begged cutely for him to stay. Having developed a soft spot for the boy, Kyungsoo soon gave in and stayed in the doctor’s bed, albeit still quite nervous about how he should face the doctor upon his return.

Suddenly, a gust of chilly breeze entered the tent, causing Kyungsoo to shiver. Along with the crisp autumn air were the sounds of shuffling feet, as well as Sehun’s excited call.

“Welcome back Doctor Kim!” Sehun ran up to the tall man that had entered the tent and gave him a big hug. Chuckling, the man returned the boy’s hug, unaware of the other fidgeting individual in the tent. In his usual soft tone, Kyungsoo shyly greeted the homecoming doctor.

“Hello, Doctor Kim. I am private Doh Kyungsoo from the 8th infantry division. Sorry for the intrusion.”

“Oh yes. Doctor, I hope you don’t mind Kyungsoo hyung using your bed. He was pretty badly injured and all the beds in the hospital ward were occupied so I asked the nurses to place him in here since you were away.” Sehun quickly explained as he tugged shyly on the doctor’s sleeve, “The bandage on his eyes comes off in two days, so can he please stay with us until then? You can sleep on my bed.”

Only a soft thump of something dropping to the ground greeted Kyungsoo, and the injured man’s heart sank to the pit of his stomach. ‘Is the doctor angry at me?’ he wondered and twiddled his fingers in apprehension on his lap. Being in the state he was, Kyungsoo was oblivious to the shocked expression on the tall man’s paling face and the pair of leather glove abandoned on the ground. Confused with the situation as well, Sehun tugged tentatively on the doctor’s sleeve again.

“Doctor Kim?”

Finally, the doctor let out a shaky breath and he spoke sombrely, his voice deep and raspy: “Sehun, would you please go fetch some water?”

Still confused, Sehun nodded obediently and left the tent with a large water basin. The doctor only asked him to get water when he needed Sehun to be away for a while. Darted his eyes from one adult to another, Sehun noticed the stiffness in both of their shoulders and the tension in the air. Heaving a sigh, the young boy walked out of the tent into the chilly autumn wind, unaware of the barely audible utterance of a name by the blinded man.

“… Chanyeol.”

---

“Kyungsoo! I missed you so much!!”

“Oh my god! Young master, please watch your actions! If Mr. Suho saw you like this, he’d say-”

“’This is not how an heir should be acting. You’re already 14 and you’re still carelessly hugging servants and not taking care of your composure…’ blah blah blah blah, that’s what he’d say right? Well, he’s not here, so I am in full liberty to hug my best friend!”

“How did you know I was here?”

“I just knew.”

Amusement danced in eyes that were as dark as moonless nights. Among falling leaves, two figures embraced as one.

“Welcome back, Chanyeol.”

“I really missed you when I was away.”

“I know,” a smile, “I missed you too. I’m glad you’re back.”

---

Warm fingers timidly entangled with cold and rigid ones underneath the blanket. Cramped side by side on the single bed, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo listened to the autumn wind, Sehun’s soft snore, and each other’s even breathing. Heavy thoughts occupied each of their minds.

Everything was so similar yet so foreign. Kyungsoo was reminded of the many childhood nights when he slept next to Chanyeol with their hands linked and bodies close. Feeding off of each other’s body heat, they chatted about everything under the stars and kept no secrets from each other. But they were no longer those bright eyed boys, who shared words and dreams, and the vigour and curiosity for life. They had become familiar strangers, just ghosts in each other’s past.

After Sehun’s departure that afternoon, there were no heart-warming embraces or kiss of passion; there weren’t even any unshed tears of joy. Simply, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo sat next to each other, smaller pair of shaking hands tucked inside another pair of larger, trembling hands. Neither wanted to speak, for there was too much shock, too much to say yet nothing to be said at all. Even after Sehun returned at a much later time, with basin in hands and worry etched on his young face, there still were no words exchanged between the two men.

All night long, Kyungsoo’s mind tumbled in turmoil as his rationality battled with his desires. Part of him longed to be near Chanyeol again, but another part of him also wished they had not been reunited at all. He was no longer that hopeful, naïve boy of seventeen, and he knew being around Chanyeol would only result in eventual mutual destruction. He could not deny the lingering and ineffable chemistry between the two of them; every time Chanyeol was near, Kyungsoo felt like woodland deprived of moisture, ready to burst into flames of passion at each scorching touch and gaze from the other man. That was why he did not reach out to the Park family at all, even during the bleakest moments of his life. So in hopes of feigning indifference, Kyungsoo remained in silence since he realized Dr. Kim was Chanyeol. However, when Chanyeol wordlessly slipped into the bed and clasped their hands tightly together forcibly, Kyungsoo’s heart skipped a beat and a glint of wild amber reignited from deep within. The other’s hand was no longer how he had remembered, skin roughed and joints became knobbly, but a sense of familiarity remained: the touch still conveyed the same tenderness and love.  Instinctively, Kyungsoo responded to Chanyeol’s touch and his eyes moistened with emotions. He was doomed to never forget and to never move on. He was still so deeply, painfully, and wretchedly in love.

Chanyeol had never imagined he’d be reunited Kyungsoo here of all places. When he heard Kyungsoo’s voice upon his return, he thought he was hallucinating from the fatigue of travel. After all, it was the voice that had haunted him for many years in his dreams. However, when he laid eyes on the injured man, wrapped up in layers of bandages from head to toe, his heart went cold and feelings he had locked away since his wedding day seeped through the cracks of his broken heart. Even though he could not see those eyes of midnight black, Chanyeol still recognized Kyungsoo’s heart shaped lips, the slight hunch of his back and the distinctive softness in his speech.

Turning his head, Chanyeol took in his beloved’s profile, distorted by the binds of gauze and newly formed scabs on the once perfect skin. Gulping forcibly, Chanyeol swallowed the knot of pity and remorse tied up in his throat and willed his tear not to fall. It was obvious Kyungsoo was blatantly trying to ignore him, and Chanyeol doesn’t blame him. Gently, he grazed a gentle finger over the bandage where Kyungsoo’s eyes were, startling the other man but received no objection for his somewhat intimate action. All night long, Chanyeol bit back all the words he so badly wanted to say as suppressed emotions washed over him over and over again in waves. He wanted to tell Kyungsoo how much he had missed him and how he still loved him, but Chanyeol did not, because he also was no longer that stubborn and reckless boy of eighteen who only focused on indulging in the bliss of love and ignored the dark side of happiness. He came to understand that certain love in this world, no matter how true and genuine, could only bring hurt and grief; love is pain, and only a lucky few could walk away unscathed.

Evnetually, Chanyeol broke the pensive silence. His hoarse voice reverberated in the night as he began his monologue.

“I am a husband and a father now. My first born is already two and he has my eyes. I sometimes wonder if those eyes are a curse or a blessing… I am doing my duty as an heir, like what I should be doing, so don’t worry. I’m… doing fine, if you are wondering.”

A tinge of bitterness was in his tone.

“I am not a real doctor but everyone here calls me doctor because the Park Enterprise is providing most of the medicines for the Red Cross hospitals. I feel this is the least I could do to contribute to the war… My father is not pleased that I am out here, but I insisted that I help out at the hospital. I can’t sit idle by anymore, especially since… since this is where Suho was last at."

Kyungsoo’s finger twitched and a breath hitched in the back of his throat.

“My position here in the hospital used to be Suho’s. He was caught in crossfire and they got to him too late… So I took over his name. As much as I always showed distained towards Suho, he was a good man, not as heartless as I made him out to be when I was younger. He was a competent butler and a responsible guardian, and he always had my, no… he always had our interests in mind. You know, after you left he made an effort to check up on you periodically up until the war started, to make sure you were alright.”

Chanyeol paused and watched as Kyungsoo’s mouth thinned into a line, but it was difficult to judge what was going through the injured man’s head.

“Even before he passed, he spoke of you. Suho said he wish he could have been nicer to you when you were younger… he said he wish he could have protected you more, from the family, from yourself, from me, and all the pain you’ve experience. He also filled me in on the series of unfortunate events that had befallen on you in recent years, and he’s regretful that he could not do anything for you, on his own and on my behalf before he went… Suho…Mr. Suho really cared for you.”

Gently, Chanyeol tilted Kyungsoo head to face him and cupped hollowing cheeks within the palm of his roughened hands. A faint frown etched on his fatigue façade, Chanyeol’s gaze shimmered like the rain that had picked up again underneath the fading moonlight, and his words quivered like leaves on the baring branches in the bellowing winds.

“I still care a lot about you too and I never stopped caring… I still…do care, so much… Maybe too much, to the point that I wasn’t sure how I could face you again. Because of my selfishness, I’ve sent you down a road of no return and I don’t think I have any rights to see you ever again. But still, I wanted to see you again. If I had known your situation earlier, I would have reached out sooner, even though you probably never want to see me again… you probably still hate me, don’t you…”

A self-deprecating chuckle slipped out of Chanyeol’s half curved mouth, bitterness vibrating through this chest to his touch and into Kyungsoo’s being and crumbling mind.

“Even so, I want to find you and see you again. I don’t want you to suffer anymore, I don’t want you to be hurt anymore… I have been searching for you since Suho’s passing. Knowing you, you probably would not accept my help. I know you’d call me selfish for wanting to help you but even so, let me help you, please let me help you… I am a selfish person and I always will be. When it comes to you, I will always be selfish. I promised you I’d always protect you, ever since we were kids… I didn’t forget; I never forgot and I never will. So let me help you. There’s a reason why we’ve met again, here of all places… I am so afraid I am too late already. I am so afraid I have failed you again… ”

Chanyeol let out an unsteady breath and blinked back the tears threatening to fall. He carefully observed the injured man merely inches away from him, who was stiff like a board and breathed shallow breath as his mouth thinned into a tight line. Sighing, Chanyeol placed his forehead against Kyungsoo’s like he’d used to do.

 “Kyungsoo-ah,”

Like he’d used to say.

“Let’s go home.”

The sun shone brightly in the morning, as if the raging rain and sweeping winds were a mirage of autumn nights. Sehun awoke to the sound of even breathing and planes flying in the near distance. Rubbing sleep out of his eyes, the young boy spotted two figures curled up on the only other bed in the tent with their foreheads leaning but bodies apart, huddled underneath the same narrow blanket. As the young boy stood by the edge of the bed, curious, the tear stains on both men’s cheeks came into his vision. Suddenly, Sehun felt a pinch in his stomach and for reasons he could not articulate, sadness seeped into his heart. Staring blankly, he recalled waking in the middle of the night, as muffled chats and choked cries blended with the sound of pellet rain thrashing about like bullets flying through the air. It reminded him of the battlefields and the day when his families were killed; it was all so hopeless, so utterly and exhausting, hopeless.

---

The smell of antiseptic and medical ointment filled the air as Chanyeol sat across from Kyungsoo, carefully redressing the latter’s eyes yet again. Layers and layer of gauze fell to the ground, discoloured in patches of yellow and brown. It had been two weeks since the injured soldier arrived at the makeshift hospital. Sehun grimaced at the still gruesome state of Kyungsoo's eyes in the candle lights: swollen and red, covered in patches of unnatural colour of discharge and bruises, the gentle man appeared as if he had just stepped away from a violent tussle. The doctors and nurses had told him many times the bruising and discharges were a normal part of recovery, even though it may look otherwise, but Sehun still could not help but worry his little head off. He worried for Kyungsoo not only because he had come to love and care for the older man, but also because he knew this particular patient was special to Doctor Kim; he had seen the lingering touches and the tender warmth in Chanyeol's eyes. Sehun just wanted his doctor to be happy, and he knew that involved Kyungsoo being healthy again. Not daring to speak and not knowing what to say, Sehun darted an unsettled gaze at Chanyeol and tightened his hand around Kyungsoo's. In return, both men flashed him a brief smile, the former in reassurance while the latter in gratitude.

"Sehun you look like a worried husband whose wife is about to give birth," Chanyeol teased the frowning boy as he took the moist towel from the table and dabbed around the Kyungsoo's eyes. The injured man chuckled while Sehun scowled and his face flushed a bright shade of red, akin to the flames of the candle. Nevertheless the young boy kept a close eye on Chanyeol's hands, as they gently cleaned the blinded man's face. Unconsciously, Kyungsoo leaned into the damp towel, letting the cooling sensation awash him sending shiver down his back. Soon, Chanyeol placed the towel back on the table and Sehun bounced over to stand beside the doctor and both man and child stared nervously at Kyungsoo. 

"Try opening your eyes now, Soo." Chanyeol instructed. Slowly and with some difficulties, Kyungsoo forced his heavy eyelid open and the hazy light from the candles overwhelmed his vision, blinding him all together in a different sense. Wincing with every blink, two blurry figures gradually materialized in his sight. 

"Can you see us?" Sehun asked nervously. He knew this could be Kyungsoo's last chance; if he still cannot see then he may never see again. Chanyeol patiently watched as the other man struggled with the sensitive state of his eyes, but on the inside, his heart was also racing from nervousness. The other doctors have told him Kyungsoo was gambling with fate. Often patients battling eye injury from tear gas only had less than 40% chance of recovery. There simply wasn't enough care and medicine for all of the injured soldiers to recovery properly, and full recovery mostly depended on individual's luck; such was the state of war, all men's fates were in the hands of Lady Luck. 

"Kyungsoo hyung? Can you see?" The young boy questioned again, this time sounding even more uncertain and fearful. Without taking his eyes off of the struggling man in front, Chanyeol grasped Sehun's small hand. The older man wondered if he held on to the boy's hand to give courage or receive courage. Finally Kyungsoo settled into a tearful squint and with a trembling heart, he focused on the blurry outlines of the two people in front of him. 

"You're taller than I had imaged, Sehun," Kyungsoo croaked, his voice low and cracking from suppressed excitement, "and... Chanyeol, yo-" 

A high pitch yelp escaped from Sehun's mouth and the young boy threw himself into Kyungsoo's sitting form, knocking the wind out of the older man and interrupting him. Chanyeol's hearty laugh echoed around the small tent and was soon followed by Kyungsoo's soft chuckles. As Sehun chattered on excitedly, sitting on Kyungsoo's lap with his arms encircled around the latter' slender neck, Chanyeol watched the two fondly; Kyungsoo half cradled the excited boy in his arms, nodding at the younger's stream of chatter while Sehun wiped away a stray tear from the injured man's eyes. Smiles were on their lips and in their eyes, and Chanyeol could not help but wish this scene would never end. They looked like a happy family, a family Chanyeol would love regardless.

“We should celebrate!” Sehun said all of a sudden and he turned his puppy eyes onto Chanyeol. Next to him, Kyungsoo also regarded the taller man through his swollen lids, a small smile still tugged on the corner of his plump lips.

“Can we please, Doctor Kim? Please, please, pleeaaaaseeeee.” The young boy begged and leaned forward from his seat on Kyungsoo’s lap, tugging softly on the fabric of Chanyeol’s white coat. Kyungsoo gingerly balanced the boy on his legs with his hands around Sehun’s small waist. Chanyeol stared down at Sehun’s pouting face and tried to be serious, but soon succumbed to the boy’s cuteness. 

“Fine, fine, we will have a small celebration party. But just a small one since it’s already dark out.” Chanyeol said and ruffled the boy’s hair. Sehun cheered loudly and without another moment to waste, he jumped off Kyungsoo’s lap and ran straight out of the tent, screaming something about Nurse Kwan having just the thing for celebration.

Overwhelmed by Sehun’s excitement, the two adults blinked in stupor at the dust cloud left behind in the boy’s leave. Quietly, Chanyeol chuckled warmly and turned his attention back to Kyungsoo, who also smiled affectionately. Among the flickering flames of the candles, they lock eyes and orbs of steel pierced through hidden spheres of onyx. The vicissitude of the seasons reflected in their gaze and there was no more heartache from a single glance. Chanyeol was expected to see hurt and frustration but instead he was engulfed by the calm and resignation in Kyungsoo’s eyes. Sighing, the taller man picked up the towel and wordlessly began to clean the other’s eyes again. Opposite of him, Kyungsoo made no rejection and steadily, he took in the image of Chanyeol, his hardened eyes, greasy hair, sunken cheeks and the rough stubbles around his thinning lips. Meticulously, he engraved every little detail of Chanyeol into his mind.

“Will you still not tell me anything?” Chanyeol asked after a while sounding slightly annoyed as he paused his movements. Since they were reunited, Kyungsoo barely talked about himself, of his life without Chanyeol and the other ghosts of his past.

“You already know everything,” Kyungsoo replied coolly and handed the other the medicinal ointment for his eyes. Breaking their gaze, the injured man looked down and shut his eyes, “there is nothing to tell. I’d rather you not know.”

Heaving another sigh, Chanyeol took the ointment and began applying the medicine on Kyungsoo’s eyes with practiced hand.

“I may know most of your happenings, but I’d rather hear it from you. I thought we don’t keep secrets from each other.”

“That was before.” Kyungsoo mumbled and Chanyeol’s paused again.

“Nothing has changed, Kyungsoo. You’re still the most important person to me in this world.”

Chanyeol’s tone was stiff and cold, contrary to the words he was saying. Kyungsoo bit on his bottom lip and kept to himself. Seeing the other’s habit for whenever he was apologetic or troubled, Chanyeol sighed again and continued with his task of re-bandaging the injured man. He didn’t speak again until he finished securing the gauze around Kyungsoo’s eyes.

“Have you thought about my offer?”

This time it was Kyungsoo’s turn to sigh. Chanyeol had asked Kyungsoo to return to the Park estate with him and work for him because the latter no longer had any reason to stay in Busan; his wife and in-laws had all passed away, and their business was also destroyed by the war. Although Kyungsoo also felt the same, he could not bring himself to accept Chanyeol’s offer.

“I already told you, I can’t go back with you.”

“Why, are you worried about the old man?” Chanyeol questioned challengingly. Firmly, he placed his hands on Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “He can’t do anything to you, to us. You need a place to stay and to work, that’s the least he could do for you after what he did ten years ago.”

“He didn’t do anything to me ten years ago,” Kyungsoo stubbornly responded, his voice soft and flat, “don’t argue with me Chanyeol. I said I can’t go back with you.”

“Why can’t you?”

“I just can’t.”

“I’m not going to accept that. Either give me a good reason why, or you’re coming back with me even if I have to drag you.”

“… Don’t be childish Chanyeol. I can’t.” Kyungsoo reprimanded, trying to sound annoyed.

“But why?” Chanyeol continued to push and his tone became more and more frustrated, “Tell me, Soo, why won’t you come back home with me?”

‘Because I am still in love with you and I can’t bear to see you with a wife and son,’ Kyungsoo thought bitterly to himself, ‘because it would be too painful to be around someone I can never have, even if it means you will be happier. I don’t have that kind of resolve to love you or that kind of courage to live out the rest of my life.’ He ducked his head lower and bit harder into his bottom lip, almost drawing blood. Those were the words he could not and would never say.

“Goddamit Kyungsoo, why the hell not?” Chanyeol shouted angrily, making the candle flames dance violently. Having received no response from the other at all finally pushed Chanyeol’s patience over the brim.

Alarmed, Kyungsoo raised his head at Chanyeol’s outburst and his shoulders throbbed with pain. Shaking from anger, Chanyeol dug his fingers into the other’s flesh without mercy. In response, Kyungsoo stubbornly refused to show any sign of pain. Even though he could not see, he could image the storm raging in the other’s misty grey eyes; it was a bittersweet feeling knowing that something never changes. Deliberately, Kyungsoo placed one of his hands on Chanyeol’s.

“Sehun will be back any time and I don’t want to make him worry. Let’s talk about this another time.” Kyungsoo said keeping his tone calm and collected in an attempt to pacify the angry man. However, Kyungsoo’s tranquil composure infuriated Chanyeol more for he mistook the calm for indifference. In a move of spite, he blew out the candles and the tent was engulfed in enraged darkness. Tightening his grip around the smaller man’s shoulders and eliciting a breathless wince, Chanyeol knelt face to face with Kyungsoo.

“No, we are talking about this now.” Chanyeol gritted through his teeth, his voice dangerously deep and raspy, sending dreadful shivers down Kyungsoo’s back. It was so much like the voice whispering in his ears ten years ago on that particular stormy night.

“All I am asking is from you is to give me a reason why you can’t come home with me, is that so hard? I know I am selfish for wanting you near me at all times, but this will be in your interest. There’s nothing left in Busan for you, Soo. Don’t make life harder for yourself, please.” Chanyeol pleaded quietly. His anger diminished just as quickly as it came, “The Park estate was your home and it can be your home again, can’t it? I will be there and Sehun will be there too after the war, it can be all of our home.”

“Our home…” Kyungsoo mumbled absentmindedly.

“Yes, our home!” Chanyeol encouraged with hope in his voice, “Come back to our home, Kyungoo.”

“No,” Kyungsoo rejected with resolute, “no Chanyeol, the Park estate is not our home. It’s only your home, your home with the Master and Madam, and your home with your wife and son. It is not my home and it never was. So no, I can’t go back with you. I’ve already no home.”

“But Kyungsoo, it-”

“No but, Chanyeol. I really can’t go with you.” Kyungsoo whispered and for the first time, a strain was detectable in his voice. “Let me go, Chanyeol. Please, set me free…”

Stunned by Kyungsoo’s request, Chanyeol loosened his grip on the other’s shoulder. Dejectedly, he dropped his hands and knelt with his head hanging low. The smell of burnt wick drifted through the air, sharply accentuating the tension in the tent.

“If I did, then I think I’d die.”

Kyungsoo flinched at Chanyeol’s whispering words. Although faintly spoken, they were grave and undisguised words, as if a matter of fact.

“Don’t say that so lightly.” Kyungsoo replied with a frown, “You won’t die… you can’t afford to die.”

“I’m serious, Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol looked up again and gently, he held on to the wrist that was too wiry for a soldier. “Don’t leave again,” he begged desperately, “please don’t leave again. When the war is over, we can live together. We can go back to how it was.”

Sighing softly, Kyungsoo clumsily cupped Chanyeol’s face with shaking hands, feeling the stubbles on his face. “Youth is only for reminiscing, not for reliving.” He whispered. “We cannot go back anymore, Chanyeol.”

“Can’t we at least try? Give me one more chance, Soo. Let’s at least try.” Chanyeol entreated further.

However just as Kyungsoo opened his mouth, his voice was drowned out by the loud rumbling of jets flying by, accompanied by the familiar whishing noise of bombs dropping. In the split of a second, the earth shook violently and a blast of heat and shock waves expanded from the spot where the bomb exploded outside of their small tent, crushing the structure and setting the fabric on fire. Along with fragments of the tent and everything else inside, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo flew into the air, and their skin and clothes scorched instantaneously. Fragments of metal, glass and other articles pieced through and into their bodies as gravity slammed them back onto the earth’s surface. Blood splattered everywhere.  

Among the blazing flames, figures and shadows appeared and disappeared and the sounds of chaos echoed in the night, but all Chanyeol could see was Kyungsoo’s struggling form few feet away from him and all he could hear was the piercing ringing in his ears. Acting on his instinct, the taller man tried to crawl over to his loved one, who frantically was tearing away the bandages around his eyes. However as he gasped in short breaths, Chanyeol realized he could not move at all and he could feel the blood trickling into his chest cavity. So he laid immobile, panting for air, and watched as Kyungsoo crawled towards him with all the strength he could muster. When their trembling fingers finally touched, Chanyeol grinned satisfyingly as he realized Kyungsoo was not hurt as badly. At the last moment before the explosion, he enveloped the shorter man into a tight embrace and shielded him from some impacts of the blast.

‘Don’t cry,’ he wanted to say as he saw the tear streaks on Kyungsoo’s face, but he had already lost his voice. His consciousness was slipping fast. Blinking one last time, Chanyeol watched Kyungsoo’s moving mouth, but all he could hear was a deafening, hollow ring, rather than the heart-retching calls of his name. With a frozen smile on his lips, Chanyeol shut his eyes. 

---

Ave Maria, gratia plena.

Dominus tecum, benedicta tu in mulieribus et benedictus.

Fructus ventris tui, Jesus.

Santa Maria.

Santa Maria.

Maria, ora pro nobis, nobis pecatoribus.

Nunc et in ora, in ora mortis nostrae.

Amen.

Amen.

Tap, pause.

“Chanyeol… Chanyeol… ”

Tap tap, pause.

“Thank you, Chanyeol…”

Tap tap tap, pause.

“Goodbye.”

---

Chanyeol came to two weeks later.

When Sehun saw Chanyeol had regained consciousness, he burst out in tears and bawled loudly as he buried his entire face into Chanyeol’s blanket. “I thought you left me behind too,” he cried uncontrollably, and his small body shook with genuine sadness and relief.  Wordlessly, the older man grabbed Sehun’s trembling hand and the boy gripped on tight, as if afraid Chanyeol would disappear any moment. Together, they stayed like that until they fell asleep. 

When Chanyeol awoke again the next evening, he saw Sehun sitting by his bed with swollen, red eyes. Gravely, the boy placed a chain in Chanyeol’s palm. Attached to the chain was a simple dog tag, and on the tag the name Doh Kyungsoo was engraved. Without even looking, Chanyeol closed his fingers around the chain and tag. Using his thumb, Chanyeol traced the engraving on the medal tag and thought back to the long dream he had when he was unconscious.  He wondered if everything really was just a dream; Kyungsoo’s voice was still so vivid and the sensation of their code still tingled in his palm.

Finally, Sehun broke the silence.

“Chanyeol-appa…”

“Hm?”

“Let’s go home.”

“Mm.”

That night, Chanyeol cried until he could cry no more, until his tears ran dry, and until Kyungsoo’s voice disappeared as he fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.

Half a year later, the Korean Civil War officially came to an end. Sehun returned to the Park estate with Chanyeol as the new master’s adopted son.

Chanyeol never saw Kyungsoo again, except in the odd dreams here and there. Occasionally, he would dream of a young Kyungsoo laughing underneath the blooming magnolia tree, but most of the time, he would dream of the adult Kyungsoo sitting in front of his old canvas tent. Leaves as colourful as blazing flames would fall around the blinded man with gauze covering his eye. In surreal serendipity, Kyungsoo would softly sing, letting the wind carry his haunting words to only God knows where.

Nunc et in ora, in ora nortis nostrae.

Amen.

He’d sing.

Amen.

Author’s Note: Holy son of a @#%#%$#! I finally finished this cursed chapter! I literally was about to write myself into a depression because of how long this chapter turned out to be and how sad it made me feel. There was a lot of suppressed emotion and to be honest, I had no idea how to convey it properly. Also, I kept changing the plot line and gaaahhh it was just a nightmare. But I hope you all liked it and hopefully, I was able to convey some of the intended emotions? I don’t know anymore, I don’t know anything anymore! You know what, if you read it through, give yourself a pat on the back. *pat pat* That was loooooonnng.

Anyways, I am temporarily back because this story has a deadline, since it’s a contest story. I will upload the last chapter with the epilogue before the deadline (March 1). Please leave a comment if you’d like. I always enjoy feedbacks :3

Thanks for reading!

Oh and in case you’re wondering about the song, it’s Ave Maria by Bach-Gounod. I listened to this version while writing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuSx2Kx-VAA