Powerless

 

 

I hate you.

I always did.

And I always will.

I love you.

I always did.

And I always will.

 

-----------------------------

 

I fell in love with someone who isn’t actually mine. In my eyes, she’s the most beautiful person in the world. I love her. I hate her. You see… We have this love hate relationship going on between us since the day we met. She was this overachiever who tops all of the exams. She hated me the day my name was at the top of the list.

 

“Liu.” She glares.

“Jung.” I smirk.

“Hey, hey. Not here.” Min comes between us.

“Come on, Jung. You don’t have to be jealous just because I pushed you out of the number one spot. I mean it’s just a spot.” I smirk even wider.

Her glare intensifies and she storms off.

 

That’s how we first met. I already knew her name and to my surprise she already knew mine. I was aware that she hated me with a passion. And being the young immature me, I gave her the same intensity by annoying the hell out of her. I joined the same competitions and clubs as she did. Trust me when I tell you that she was really mad at me at the time. She would always give me a glare or shove me aside. I would always give her the brightest grin I could ever give to someone. You might be wondering on why I give my time to such a horrible sounding person.

 

“Would you quit on following me?! What are you trying to prove?!” She screams at me while walking down the cherry laden path in our school.

I just give her my usual grin.

“Get out of my sight, Liu!” She once again screams, frustration in her tone.

“Why do you keep on doing this… And just smiling back like an idiot.” She says, now looking at the ground and sounding like she’s going to tear up.

“It’s because I think you’re beautiful even though you glare, shout and shove me. I want to keep on following you and grinning at you until you grin back at me. I think you’ll be most beautiful then.” I sincerely say.

There she is, looking at me… But hatred left her eyes.

 

One day… She will love me.

Ever since that day, she doesn’t shove, shout or glare at me that much often. Yeah, I would kick her cute little at competitions from time to time and she’ll be pissed at me. But it’s okay. I love teasing her and irritating her. In that way… She’ll give her attention to me.

 

“Why do you always go with Jung? You know she hates you right?” Min says.

“She’s beautiful and I love being around beautiful things.” I reply.

“So that means I’m beautiful then?” She grins.

“Haha. Nice try.”

 

On a rainy day after school, I was alone walking along the corridor. I was looking for a spare umbrella but instead of finding one...

 

I hear soft cries coming from an empty clubroom. There I see her  crying her heart out. But how can someone crying be this beautiful? I move closer to her and without any hesitation, I hug her. She stops crying and looks at me. I don’t have any intention to move. I’m getting ready for some screams and more shoving…but she did nothing.

“I know you hate me. But please, let me be your shoulder today.” I say.

She doesn’t say anything, but wetness of my shirt does all the talking. This girl… She seems so strong in front of others but she’s actually someone with a broken heart. She cries in a place where no one would dare hear her.

“Don’t worry… I will be the only one who will hear your cry.” I say, caressing her hair.

 

Crying in my arms was the girl who cursed me so many times I lost count and yet… I wanted to protect her. I wanted to be the one who puts a smile unto her face.

 

“Hey… Want a Pocky?” I pop out of nowhere.

“What are you doing here, Liu?” She asks without looking at me.

“Well… The view’s good here. I mean it’s on top of a hill overlooking the city. Then there’s this huge tree. Beautiful don’t you think?” I reply, smiling.

She doesn’t reply but takes one stick of Pocky from me.

It’s a start.

 

Everything turned around when the day of our club outing arrived. We went to this beautiful lodge at the mountains. There were all these natural hot springs around and a huge waterfall nearby. Then you could see the city from the mountain. The milky way was very visible in the night sky.

 

“I kind of don’t hate you that much anymore, you know?” She says out of nowhere while we were sitting on the grass and looking up the stars with the view of the city below us.

The cold night wind howled through but all I could hear is my heavy heartbeat and all I could see is her.

She gives this small smile while not looking at me. But I know that was meant for me.

Just a little more…

Just wait… Next time under the stars… You will love me.

 

It was then that she softened up to me. Yeah she would still glare at me and shout to me and stuff but… A small smile would always follow. Every time she does that, I fall in love even harder.

 

I’m looking at her back while walking the same cherry laden path as the day she screamed at me for following her. She doesn’t seem to mind me at all.

“Why are you walking so slow?” Her voice snaps me out.

“Huh?” I say.

She extends her hand out to me.

My eyes go wide. Is she…?

“Well?” She raises her eyebrow.

I walk towards her, extending my hand towards her.

It was sophomore year… It was spring… It was the day I first held her hand.

 

I love her. I couldn’t put into words on how for the first time in my entire life I was so happy, I could cry. I didn’t know if she loved me back. She didn’t say anything. She never said anything. But her actions spoke for her.

 

“You have some chocolate on your lip.” She says, looking at me.

“Hm?” I say, unable to reply properly due to the Pocky stick in my mouth.

Her hand reaches out to me and wipes the chocolate away from my lip.

I think I might’ve bested a tomato at being red when she did that. What are you thinking? Do you want me to kiss you right here and now?

“There… All better.” She smiles.

Not that small smile she used to give me… But a fully fledged smile.

I feel my world come into a stop. I love you.

Just a little more…

 

Our last year at school and it’s time for our group outing again. We went to the same place as we did last time. I didn’t complain. It just meant that we would be under the stars again.

 

“Look what I found!” I run to her.

She’s sitting at the same spot where she told me she doesn’t hate me as much anymore. She turns around and sees me kneeling in front of her, holding a lit paper lantern.

“You found a paper lantern.” She says.

“Yep! Want to release it to the sky with me? Come on. The night’s beautiful.” And so are you.

She gives me this ‘what am I going to do with you’ smile and faces me. She holds the small lantern on the other side, slightly grazing my hand. I blush.

“They say you need to wish before letting it go… Am I right?” She says, looking at me with a smile.

With her smile being illuminated by the lantern, I cannot fathom on how I should describe loving her. She closes her eyes she makes a wish. I just look at her.

She opens her eyes and looks at me.

“Did you wish for something?”She asks.

I nod.

I wished for you to love me back. I wish for you.

“Alright. One… Two… Three.”

On three we release the lantern and watch it ascent to the stars. Illuminated under the stars I look at her and she looks back at me.

She grins at me.

Beneath the stars.

Finally…

I love you, Krystal.

 

From that day on… It feels like a part of me has finally been completed. The following days were just like the others. With us bickering and competing at almost everything. Our friends would always be puzzled on why I still put up with her and she would let me follow her around. But I think… We have this silent understanding.

 

Do you love me back?

 

Although all the time that we’ve known each other, she has never hurt my feelings. No matter how much she screams at me, I never got hurt…. I didn’t know that the day she would finally say something beautiful to me… Would be the same day her words would finally hurt me.

 

“I love you.” She says.

Am I dreaming?

I walk towards her, cherry blossoms shuffling under my feet.  I hold her beautiful face and look into her eyes.

You finally see me, princess?

“You don’t know how long I have loved you.” I say, giving her the most sincere smile I could produce while fighting the urge to cry.

“Amber…” She says, holding my hand.

“I’m sorry.” She adds.

Why?

I look at her confused.

“I have to go. I have to leave.” She says, removing my hands from her cheeks.

What?

“I’m sorry… I love you.” Her tears start to fall while backing away from me.

I said I would make you smile. But why when my love finally reaches you, you cry?

She looks at me with her tear stained face and runs away from me.

I stand there, rooted.

I finally had you… But you left in an instant.

You love me but you’re sorry.

Is it wrong?

I hate you.

 

That day, I felt what actual love is. It hurt…. But at the same time it’s beautiful. I hate her for leaving me without a trace since that day. Yet I love her for making me experience the most wonderful feeling in the world.

She never attended our graduation and I haven’t heard from her ever since that day she said she loves me… And she’s sorry.

Time will tell me gently just how powerless I used to be.

 

-----------------------------

 

“What are you standing there for, Amber?” Min shouts, snapping me from my trance.

I look around and I find myself standing at where she took my heart and ran away with it. It’s been two years since I saw her and heard from her. I wonder how she’s been. The cherry blossom blooms full and beautiful in spring. This is also the time where she first held my hand.

Min and I came back to our old high school for the school foundation festival. We would meet up with our old club mates. The freshmen members back then are the officers now. They invited us so we happily obliged.

“Hyung!” I hear Sulli screeching from a distance. She didn’t change at all except for the fact she grew taller. From all the underclassmen, she’s the one closest to me.

“Wow. Stop growing will you? Or else you’re gonna grow out your uniform.” I .

She sticks her tongue out to me. She’s used to my teasing anyway. I grin at her in reply.

“Oh yeah, hyung. Do you mind waiting for another member of ours here? I told her that you would be waiting here while pick up some supplies at the clubroom. Min-unnie will come with us, right?” Sulli says.

“Yep.” Min replies, with a suspicious grin.

What are you planning?

“Alright. I’ll wait here for her. What does she look like anyway?” I ask.

“Oh, I think she’s pretty familiar to you.” Sulli says, walking away.

Seriously? What’s up with these people?

I patiently wait for the said girl. I sit at the nearest bench under a cherry blossom tree. This scene sure brings back memories. I look at my hands, remembering how her hands felt against them.

I hear footsteps and a shadow covers me.

I look up and see the face of the girl who broke my heart after telling me that she loves me.

“Hi.” She says.

Why? Why do you appear just now?

She sits beside me and rummage through her bag. She pulls out a Pocky.

I look at her.

“Want some?” She smiles.

You know this is my favorite snack. You never forgot.

I didn’t take the Pocky.

“So, you hate me now?” She says, putting the pack back in her bag.

“How could you?” It was all I could say.

“I’m sorry.” She says.

“Stop saying sorry. The word hurts.” I look away.

“I know I hurt you. I was afraid of my feelings back then. I wasn’t yours to begin with.” She says.

“I know. Don’t rub it in.”I grit my teeth.

“But I wanted to be yours. Even though you bug the hell out of me, I knew that I was slowly falling for you. But it hurt me knowing that I would hurt you.” She says.

“Yeah now I’m hurt.” I say.

“Listen to me, Liu!” She grabs my face to and forces me to face her.

“I want to be yours. By the time I realized that I love you for real, it was too late. I was already engaged the time you met me.” She explains.

I just look at her, with my lips forming a pucker from her squeezing my face.

“The day I said I love you… Was the day before my wedding.” She says, letting go of me.

What? Why didn’t you tell me?

“I hated it. I didn’t want the wedding. I didn’t want what my parents put me through. I was powerless to do anything. All I could do was cry.” She says.

The day I hugged her crying self flashed into my mind. So that’s why…

“So I shut myself away from everyone… My ice cold exterior worked… Except for you. For some reason you kept on bugging me. At first I was really irritated and kept on asking why is this lunkhead always pissing me off? But the day you said you found me beautiful… Changed it all for me. I didn’t expect someone would be so eager to push down my walls. I keep on building it up… But there you were kicking it down. So I slowly opened myself up to you. What was the harm of trying anyway? It did harm me though… I fell in love with you. And in my case I wasn’t allowed to feel that way. So I’m sorry for falling in love with you. I’m sorry for messing things up. I hate you but I love you at the same time. I hate you for making me feel this way. But I love you for making me realize what love actually is. It’s you.” She says, grinning at me.

That's the second time you grinned at me...

“I still hate you, you know?” I say, not looking at her.

I hear her sigh.

“But I can’t deny that I love you more.” I finally look at her and engulf her in a warm embrace.

She hugs me back and it was the happiest I felt in years.

“Are you… You know… Married now?” I say, pulling away.

She raises up her left hand.

“Tell me… Do you see a ring anywhere?” She says, smirking.

I grin at her.

“I missed that.” She smiles.

I look at her.

“You know I have loved you all this time.” I say.

Will you love me back now?

She smiles.

“I love you, Amber.” She says, smiling… And then she suddenly kisses me.

My eyes go wide as I register the feeling of her lips against mine. Finally, I let it all sink in. She’s with me now. She finally loves me back.

I will seek you on my own. Then we will smile beneath the stars once again.

I love you.