it hit him fast and unexpectedly. love was a bastard like that. love. taehyung thought lying on his stomach with his face pressed into a pillow. if that’s what this god awful feeling in his stomach was he wanted it to stop. it made him want to sleep for days. it weighed down his eyelids. there were tears laced with his lashes and a burn in his throat that was starting to ache. he felt crooked fingers digging into his shoulders. jin was trying to wake him before namjoon could nag him again about lazing about in bed all morning. it felt like he had been hit by a train and his blood was running over the tracks. ribcage cracked open and on display and his heart in his throat made it difficult to breathe.  

taehyung mouthed his thanks to jin and slipped from the covers. regretting it immediately. it was cold especially in just his briefs. he shifted through the small pile of clothes at the foot of his bed — half surprised it was still there and not folded neatly in a drawer with jin-hyung milling around with nothing better to do than clean up — and pulled on a weathered sweatshirt that hung off his shoulders. taehyung liked a little mess. he liked rough edges.     

"you okay?" jin asked before taehyung could dart into the kitchen and avoid the concern that left him feeling guiltier by the day.

"yeah—" his lips stretched into a smile and for the first time in a long while it felt false, "bed’s comfortable is all."

no, it really wasn’t and jin knew this. it was one of the reasons he slept as little as he did. that and because he was a - and liked to clean and cook for namjoon before he got up.      

jin liked everything to be in its place. he liked people to be in theirs too so it struck taehyung as strange that he decided to leave this alone.

"is everyone up?" taehyung asked jeongguk who was washing the dishes. the remaining cooking smells made his stomach whine.

jeongguk nodded with a smile. “you’re starting to get as bad as yoongi-hyung.”  

"i don’t even sleep that much," yoongi grunted. he looked like he had a headache already and was trying to sneak in some more sleep before taehyung got up and made his usual raucous. "i just sleep whenever i get a chance."

with a sigh he gave up on the idea and cleared the kitchen.

"yoongi ate a lot." jeongguk said once yoongi was gone. "you’re lucky i saved you some."  

"thanks i’m starving."

"i could hear." jeongguk jabbed at his stomach. it was mostly bones covered by a thin layer of skin. "you should eat more."

"this coming from you?" his mouth was too full of food for the worry in his voice to get through.

"i can’t." for all of his arrogance taehyung doubted jeongguk knew how special he was.

"you have a little bit of sauce right there." taehyung had finished eating all while talking and leaning against the fridge. jeongguk absently cleaned his dish for him and put it away.

"did i get it all?" taehyung asked.

"there," jeongguk brushed his thumb across his lips wiping away the fleck of stubborn sauce. all taehyung wanted was for the thumb resting against the curve of his smile to be replaced by his lips. taehyung’s lack of boundaries had broken down any fronts jeongguk had once put up to keep himself safe.

taehyung couldn’t push him away even when the briefest of touches left his stomach in knots. he couldn’t push him away not when he was the first person to make him feel comfortable about being touched openly. not when he was the reason he smiled so brightly. the weight of taehyung’s chin on his shoulder or the squeeze of his hand washed away any doubts jeongguk had before a concert or a talk show. taehyung couldn’t deny that jeongguk was a comfort for him too. they had become each other’s security blanket. taehyung was always by his side and he could always pull him close. he wouldn’t let anyone, especially not himself, damage that.     

"what would you do without me?" the way jeongguk was looking at him drew him into the depths of his black eyes. he wanted to drown there. jeongguk had it. whatever it was. he had what it took to make it big in an industry that spat up people and left them full of broken dreams by the wayside. jeongguk was a storm and he was being swept up in the carnage.

"don’t know." he didn’t really and that scared taehyung too.  

jeongguk smirked slightly. “i should practice.”

they were together most of the time except for when jeongguk would practice dancing and when it came time to sleep and taehyung would go back to his own bed reluctantly.

taehyung watched most of his practices, saying something about being competitive and wanting to improve. sometimes jeongguk’s eyes met his across the room and the air in his lungs would get snatched up.

taehyung didn’t know if this was love. it was violent and sickening and itched at the thoughts inside his head until they were blurry and unreadable. he wasn’t yoongi. he couldn’t turn his pain into poetry. he couldn’t put it into words, but he knew it was the way jeongguk smiled. the slow inhale of hesitation before the trace of a smile broadened into his personal sunshine. he knew it was the way he moved like he was in a dream-like state. even though he was sprouting up taller than his hyungs his body was lithe. there was nothing gangly or awkward about him unlike taehyung when he had been growing up. hell he was still growing up, but he knew whatever this was he had to do it secretly. with every look killing a part of him inside. with every touch meaning something else than what it was. under the bones and wires of his skin it was a mass grave of everything he couldn’t say.