... finding destiny

“Do that never again, please.”

Myungsoo was shocked, but there were more feelings I couldn’t identify. His face was a mask, looking emotionless at first sight, but there were emotions behind, more than I thought. Out of all reactions I expected, seeing him like this was none of them. It was scary how he looked at me.

“I’m sorry, Myungsoo”, I apologized, feeling truly sorry because it was wrong what I did. I only knew Myungsoo for some months now, and I still didn’t know that much about his past. So what did I actually expect when I kissed him? Well, I didn’t expect him to wake up, but why couldn’t I resist? Of course Myungsoo was shocked, he as completely taken off guard. It was basically a confession, and Myungsoo probably didn’t know how to react because confessions of a friend are probably the most awkward thing that could happen to you. A rejection would hurt him, and you wouldn’t want that while not rejecting him made things even worse because false hope was destined to be smashed, and he’d hurt even more. And I made Myungsoo decide because I was an idiot. I mentally slapped myself when a quiet sound interrupted my thoughts. Myungsoo was crying.

“Myungsoo? Please… don’t cry. I know it was wrong, and I’m sorry. But it’s not your fault so please don’t cry...” I really worried about Myungsoo now, but he didn’t answer, he just freed himself and ran over to the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

“MYUNGSOO!”, I shouted. But it was hopeless, Myungsoo didn’t answer me, and I couldn’t even try to talk to him. I inhaled air deeply. I messed up completely. And he worst thing was, there was nothing I could do.

It took hours before Myungsoo finally left the bathroom. His eyes were red, and I felt even worse than before when I saw him like this, knowing I was the one who made him cry. I wanted to talk to him, but he just went straight to the bedroom, and I stood there like an idiot, not knowing if I should follow him or not. After fifteen minutes, I couldn’t stand it anymore and opened the door to the bedroom. Myungsoo was lying on the bed, listening to music with closed eyes. He almost looked like he was asleep, but Myungsoo could act really well so I was unsure if he really slept or not. I carefully removed the headphones and heard the music blast out loud. I sighed and turned it off. Myungsoo didn’t react, so maybe he really was asleep. I covered him with a blanket and went out of the room. If he didn’t want to talk, I couldn’t force him anyway. Maybe some time wouldn’t be that bad either. We could just talk later, I thought when I sat down on the couch. Hours passed, but Myungsoo stayed in the room, and some time later, I also fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, Myungsoo was still nowhere to see, and all the memories of the last evening came back on my mind. I sighed, and got up to cook some breakfast, hoping to get my mind off things. Cooking sometimes helped, but not today, I realized. I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. Before, my life was so much easier. I spent the days mainly focusing on my novel, if it was mentally or really writing. But then my first novel got rejected, and I met him. He distracted me from my novel, and fascinated me from the moment I first really looked at him  after I saved him from jumping off the bridge.Myungsoo was a very special person, I know now. And I messed up because I was stupid enough to fall for him. And when there was something Myungsoo shouldn’t need to experience, it was losing somebody important to him again, and I was the only friend he had right now.

Everything just happened because I grew more and more attached to him. Seeing how he recovered from being kicked out by his own family was hard, Myungsoo cried a lot the first days and he wasn’t self-confident at all, but he somehow overcame it and trusted me. And I managed to destroy the trust and friendship because my feelings for him changed. Or maybe they never changed, but existed like this since I’ve met him? Maybe I was destined not to like Myungsoo as a friend but love him? Anyway, I shouldn’t even have THOUGHT about kissing him. I was so damn stupid…

“That smells nice. What are you cooking?” I flinched and turned around, seeing Myungsoo standing behind me, looking like usual.

“Oh…”, I stuttered, suddenly not knowing what to say anymore.

“Myungsoo… Because of yesterday…”, I awkwardly tried to start a conversation, but we needed to talk about things and the earlier the better.

“No, let’s not talk about this now, I’m hungry!” He clearly didn’t want to talk about it, being hungry was not the most subtle excuse I’ve ever heard of. But I didn’t know what else to do because trying to talk about the incident would just make things more awkward and maybe I should just be glad about Myungsoo being like always, I thought when I watched him getting a plate. But still… Why did he cry yesterday? This question still bothered me a lot because it just didn’t fit the situation.

“I have to work today, I won’t be back until 5pm.”, Myungsoo said and sat down.

“Okay” So I had the whole afternoon to plan what I was going to say.

Myungsoo got a part-time job at Starbucks because he needed money for studying or something, he was not completely sure what he wanted to be yet, but he once talked about becoming an actor. I actually thought it might fit him, but I couldn’t really judge because I didn’t know much about his interests and hobbies in his childhood.

Still, even though he could act pretty well, I usually knew if something was wrong, and something about his behavior today was strange. His cheerful mood seemed fake, but at the same time, it seemed real… I know this might sound strange but in one second, he looked truly cheerful, and the other second he was looking sad. There was definitely something wrong today, but before I had the time to ask him, he already finished his breakfast and got up.

“Have a nice day Sungyeol!” He grabbed a jacket and his bag and left the house quickly. I sighed and continued eating, thinking about what I would do today. Actually, I planned to write a short story, but I was not really in the mood because my thoughts kept wandering to the incident yesterday. But I didn’t really write anything the last weeks, and I had to try at least. It was never like this before I met Myungsoo, back then I just spent all day thinking about stories, and now… Myungsoo changed my life pretty much. I couldn’t concentrate on my stories anymore because everything I wanted to write before seemed to lose its meaning, I always thought it was good, but actually it wasn’t that good. Myungsoo’s history seemed more interesting to me than what was supposed to be my first novel, and I could kind of understand the critic noaybe they were right, I lackew. Md experience of what was a fascinating story, and I only learned it because I met him. I sat there for hours, staring at the empty page of the new document, before I typed two words, not knowing this was the beginning of my first novel.

‘What if…’

Hours later, Myungsoo came back, sitting down on the couch exhausted. He didn’t say anything, his cheerful mood seemed to be completely gone or maybe he was just too tired to act. We both just sat there, not talking until the silence became too awkward and I the TV. It was not like I was interested in watching something, but maybe it could distract me from my thoughts and at least it would break the silence. It was just a casting show, and I began to feel worse and worse. I messed up my friendship with Myungsoo, I haven’t been able to actually write something because I was too distracted, and even if I wrote something it would be too bad anyway. Just like my first novel. Of course I knew I shouldn’t give up that easy, but the inspiration for something new was completely missing while my life basically consisted of Myungsoo now. The first guy I really loved. And now, I even ruined our friendship.

“Sungyeol?”, Myungsoo asked worried.

“Huh?”, I wondered why Myungsoo suddenly talked to me, and I realized when I heard my own voice break. It was only then I realized the tears in my eyes, blurring my view.

“Sungyeol…”, Myungsoo was worried, but he didn’t ask anything, instead he just hugged me. It should have felt strange considering that I usually was the one comforting him, but somehow it felt right. Right to be in his arms, right to feel weak when he was there protecting me. And I only cried more when I was once again reminded of the fact that Myungsoo didn’t feel the same way.

“Sungyeol-“, Myungsoo’s voice broke, he seemed to be struggling to say something.

“I’m sorry.”, he apologized- he apologized?!?

“I- I’m not ready for a relationship. It’s not you… really, but a relationship is dangerous. If it doesn’t work out, you’d just throw me away like everybody else did. And I’m not ready for this because I don’t want to lose you too” he confessed. It took me some seconds to understand what he just said.

“Myungsoo… why do you think it won’t work out? And I would NEVER just throw you away, no matter what!”

“Why would my parents kick me out? I always believed they loved me, but why would they throw me away like trash? I thought about this a lot, you know. They cared for me , but they still found a reason, so why wouldn’t you?”

“No matter what happened, I would never leave you! But a relationship is about love, and it won’t work out anyway if you don’t feel the same. Please don’t think that you’d do me a favor if you pretended to love me because I can live with it when you reject me. And the last thing I want is to force you into anything you don’t want.”

“I like you. A lot. But I’m afraid of being in a relationship with you because I’ve seen what happens when a relationship doesn’t work out and I don’t want to experience it with you. No matter what you say,  things will never be the same then and I would lose you. I can’t- I can’t risk losing you too, Sungyeol.”

“But these are all ‘what if’s’. What if things will work out?”, I said, still trying to understand what he just said. He liked me. A lot. Like… lovers?

“What if you’re bullied at school? What if your parents kick you out because you’re gay? What if what ifs happen?”

“I know you’ve been through a lot, but sometimes you have to believe in things to make them come true. We don’t have to rush anything, just think over it please.”

Myungsoo didn’t say anything for the next ten minutes, and I pretended to watch this casting show even though it was extremely boring and I couldn’t think of anything else than what Myungsoo would say anyway.

“I think... I want to try.”, he finally said and looked at me insecurely. I stared at him, not exactly knowing what to say, but he leaned forward and pressed his lips on mine. Our first kiss was extremely shy and I could feel that he was as insecure as I was, but it still meant so much more than any kiss I've experienced before. I just felt the love between us.

However we both blushed madly when we separated, and there was a short moment of silence until the really terrible voice of some so-called talent interrupted and we both laughed.

Still our relationship was really awkward the first week, but we both became more confident when time passed. After some weeks, I even introduced Myungsoo to my parents, even though he didn’t want me to, of course, but my parents always told me they didn’t care who I loved, as long as I was happy, and I wanted to assure him there wouldn’t be any problems with my parents. No, it was the opposite, my mum really liked Myungsoo from the beginning and my father was very nice to him too. And what was most important, I erased Myungsoo’s fear of not being accepted by my parents and me being depressed because my parents might disown me.

But this was 4 years ago. Now Myungsoo finished studying and he even got his first role in a drama, while I published my first novel. It was called ‘What if…’, the words I wrote down four years ago when I thought I completely ruined our friendship. How stupid I was back then… But my novel succeeded, and I’m currently thinking of writing another book, but I’m lacking ideas. ‘What if…’ was about a boy who got bullied in school and disowned by his parents and committed suicide out of despair by jumping of a bridge, and I was writing about how it could have ended if others would have acted different… It’s basically inspired by Myungsoo’s history and he was very interested in my book, he also helped me a lot with describing some situations more detailed and I think it might helped him getting completely over with his past. And I also wrote about Myungsoo, the true story of how I met him but I won't publish this story because- well, this is just our story, the story of Myungsoo and me.

I smiled when I typed the last sentence. Finally, the story of how I met Myungsoo was complete, he had been bothering me because he wanted to read it for the last week, and I was getting slightly annoyed.

Myungsoo seemed to sense I just finished my story because he chose exactly this moment to enter the room.

"Still writing?", he asked, backhugging me and looking over my shoulder to examine what I just wrote.

"Wait, you forgot something there", he said, his hot breath tickling my skin.

"What did I forget?", I asked, not getting what he meant.

"You should write 'my extremely good-looking boyfriend there, that sounds better." He playfully bit my earlobe, and , I actually wanted to edit that now but how was I supposed to actually concentrate on my story right now?

"Yah, I'm working right now! Don't distract me!", I tried to sound annoyed, but I just couldn't because Myungsoo knew way too well how to tease me.

"This looks pretty much complete to me, you know. Let's just take a little break, huh?", he whispered in my ear, and it would be a lie to say I actually still wanted to edit this text.

"I can't believe I once thought you were shy.", I said and turned around to face my extremely good-looking boyfriend, and I had to agree with that even though I would NOT admit that to Myungsoo. Definitely not. But even though Myungsoo loved to tease me, I'm still so glad I met him this evening four years ago, and I knew Myungsoo felt the same about our first meeting on this dark December evening.

What if destiny really exists?

So this oneshot is really over now... my first story I posted here so I really hope you liked it, please tell me what you think about it?

Oh, and there was something else I wanted to share with you because I kind of planned the plot two weeks ago and then I found this quote and it fits Myungsoo in the first part so damn perfect though it's supposed to be about being lovesick xD

Well, I found it in German and had to translate it, so grammar mistakes are my fault:

"You think that you want to die, but in reality, you just want to be saved."

[German original: "Du denkst, dass du sterben willst, aber in Wirklichkeit willst du nur gerettet werden."]