looking for inspiration...

Sungyeol's POV:

“I’m sorry, but this… it just doesn’t have potential. Just look. There are thousands of books out there with a similar plot. It’s not special enough. This story already exists, do you know what I mean?”

If only he had known how much I worked at this. This novel was supposed to be my first, my debut as a writer what was my absolute dream job. I went through weeks of working, thinking of a plot, the characters, everything. And I was so proud when I gave it to my publishing company, hoping that now, I could become a writer who had already published a book. My dream would become true. My first novel would be published. I might become famous, but what was even more important to me was that there would be people who liked my novel.

But I was dreaming. Reality always manages to completely smash your dreams when you were not expecting it at all. I should have known. Life was never easy.

I inhaled air deeply. This novel really meant a lot to me and giving it up is like giving up a painting you always thought would become perfect, until somebody spills paint over it.

“You lack experience. It’s unrealistic. Sorry if I’m too direct, but that’s my honest opinion.”

So I lacked experience. Yes, this was my first novel but I couldn’t see the point where it was too unrealistic. Most stories wouldn’t happen every day, that’s for sure. But there were so many unrealistic novels and I don’t mean something like fiction or fantasy or supernatural or something like this. Did he even know he just destroyed my dream with a few sentences?

I walked down a street I didn't know. It was just another usual street in a not so rich part of Seoul. There were some shops, and walking further, there slowly were more bars, no more shops. It seemed like this place was more lively at night. Well, fine I didn’t want to see hundreds of strangers right now anyway. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

I walked and walked, not knowing where I was going but not caring anyways. It was only when I noticed that there was nobody here anymore that I started to wonder where I actually was. I looked around and noticed it was a bridge, not a huge bridge, but it was pretty high over a river. It was already pretty dark, the sun set fast because it was already winter now. It was the middle of December, one of the darkest months, but there were only few places in Seoul where it was really dark, there usually were lights shining, lights of buildings, of shops, of advertisement, the usual stuff. This bridge was in a pretty dark part.

Not that I minded today anyway. I stopped and just had a look at the water. I had to overthink everthing that happened today anyway. My first novel was rejected. It was not realistic enough even though my writing style was 'passable', passable but not even good or anything. The plot I worked on for months was not good, and the main girl character was not well written either. So pretty much everything was bad. Who actually said your dreams would become reality when you chased them no matter what? I tried to, I really did. But apparently it was not good enough and I should come back with something better. Something better. I actually thought it was good.

I sighed. Maybe I really lacked talent. Maybe I should think of getting another job, a safe job where I just did some usual work, a job that didn't require talent. Just something to make money, and I could try to write stories in my free time. Stories I would never publish. These stories would be mine, and just mine and I was the only one who judged them so that they would be perfect for me, not for anybody else. Yeah, that's it. Maybe I should really do this.

I looked down the bridge to calm my thoughts. It usually helped me to be somewhere dark and quiet because that was the best place to think. I also liked evenings therefore. Just the silence with the faint sound of traffic which was a part of Seoul like the sunset was part of the evening.

The river was flowing pretty far under me, but I could hear the sound of the water very well too. Just... there was another sound, I couldn't quite explain what it was, but there was something wrong with it. It didn't belong to the harmonic picture of the bridge.

I turned around, curious what it was. The faint sound was coming from the left, and I slowly walked there to find out what it was.

When the sound became louder and clearer, it sounded like someone was crying. But who would cry here when it was that dark already? I walked faster, even more curious to see if I just imagined it or if there really was somebody.

My imagination wasn’t betraying me, I found out when I reached the middle of the bridge. There was the silhouette of a guy standing close to the railing, and his body was shaking like he was sobbing really bad.

I slowly walked towards him, not knowing what I should say but I couldn't just ignore him when he was obviously not alright.

He didn't seem to notice me at first, but then he slowly climbed on the railing. I was not that stupid, I knew what he was going to do. I knew about the suicide rates of students here in South Korea, and you don't just climb over bridge railings for fun, especially not crying at 8pm. I started running. I had to stop him, I couldn't just watch how he jumped!

He stood up, balancing on the railing, and I started panicking, not sure if I was able to make it in time. I ran even faster, crossing the last 20 metres while he was about to make a step. I jumped and managed to grab his arm, pulling him with m, when I fell and landed on something hard, the sidewalk. I didn't dare to open my eyes at first, unsure if I only imagined catching him in time and he was dead now, but then I heard his breathing. He was alive.

I opened my eyes and looked at the boy next to me, but he actually was not a boy anymore, maybe about 19 years old, I guessed. His face was stained with tears, and his eyes were wide in surprise and shock when he looked at me. I didn't exactly know what to do now because have you ever been in a situation like this? Lying on the ground next to a stranger you've just saved from jumping off a bridge?

I didn't have to say anything however because he started to cry again, maybe even worse than before.

"Hey...", I said unsure what to do, and just pulled him into my arms to comfort him. I usually felt uncomfortable being this close to somebody, especially somebody I didn't know, but I needed to comfort him and didn't know how. I felt his thin body shaking in my arms, and suddenly felt like I had to protect him from whatever made him feel this way.

I just sat there on the ground, holding him in my arms and letting him cry on my shoulder, not caring about what other people would think, if they passed by. This boy needed help, and I couldn't care less about other people now.

The sobbing became more quiet and I just heard his uneven breathing before he said something that completely confused me.

"I'm sorry", he said, his voice still shaking from his crying earlier.

"For what?", I didn't quite get what he meant by that and I couldn't help but wonder.

"For bothering you." His voice was serious, but I still couldn't believe the words. He was sorry for bothering me? How could he even think of this? He just wanted to kill himself and he thought he was bothering me?

"You're not bothering me. Not at all. How can you even think so?", I regretted saying this as soon as the words left my lips. The boy looked like he was so done with everything, and I didn't even know what happened to him, so it probably was not the best idea to remind him of that by asking.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude or something. My name is Sungyeol, by the way.", I said, hoping to sound friendly.

"Myungsoo." He looked so lost when he told me his name quietly.

"Can I help you somehow? Take you to your parents or friends? Anything?" Myungsoo shook his head violently.

"NO! Not to my father please!", he panicked. Something about his father seemed to terrify him, but his eyes didn't look terrified, no they looked hurt.

"Don't worry, I won't force you to go anywhere. But I won't leave you alone here either you know. Is there anywhere I should take you?"

He remained silent, then shook his head.

"Friends?", I asked again, unsure about the meaning of his answer.

"I don't really have friends.", he admitted.

"You can stay at my apartment for now then, if you're okay with that?", I don't even know why I offered this, but if I left him out here, he could jump and end his life, and even though I didn't knew him for long, I just felt I couldn't just leave him here because there was something... special about him. i don't even know why I felt like this, it was just a sudden feeling.

"Really? That would be nice", he said, obviously not expecting me to offer this, and feeling very uncomfortable at the same time.

The walk was quiet, Myungsoo didn't talk, and I didn't ask anything either, not knowing what I could ask without being blunt so we just walked in silence while I wondered about everything that happened just now.

I opened the door of my apartment and let him in, guiding him to the livingroom where I gave him a blanket because he seemed to be cold, and went over to the kitchen to have a look for something warm to eat, but I just found instant ramen and some stuff that took way too long to cook.

"Do you like ramen?", I asked, but he didn't answer me so I went back to the living room, and I would never forget how I found him: Myungsoo was sitting on the couch, his knees pulled up to his chest and his whole body was tightly wrapped into the blanket, like the blanket would protect him. He looked so lost that I just wanted to hug him tight, anything that would comfort him, but I couldn't really do anything when he didn't want to talk to me so I just made some ramen to eat and let him sleep on the couch because he already sat there anyway. Myungsoo fell asleep quickly, and I went to bed too.

I couldn't really sleep this evening because I had to think of Myungsoo. He didn't even tell me anything except his name, I just knew that he had a problem with his father and no friends, at least that's what he said. But what exactly made him want to kill himself? I couldn't help but worry because this stranger fascinated me, but somewhen the fatigue overwhelmed me and I fell asleep without dreaming anything.

I opened my eyes, not knowing why I actually woke up because it was still so dark. I reached over to grab my mobile phone to check the time. 2:24 am. Something had to be wrong, I thought and remembered Myungsoo the second I heard a faint sobbing.

I stood up and quickly went to the living room. Myungsoo insisted on sleeping on the couch yesterday, and that was where I found him. He was a mess: body shaking terribly and tears streaming down his face.

"Myungsoo..." I walked over to him and pulled him in my arms, letting him cry on my chest.

"Tell me what's up, Myungsoo. I know I might not be able to help you, but you'll feel better, believe me."

He cried even more.

"You'll- just- hate me too" His voice was shaking.

"Why should I hate you? You don't seem like a bad person to me, you know."

"Everybody hates me." Whatever happened to him was not nice, I was sure of that now.

"I don't think everybody hates you. If you don't want to tell me, that's okay, but I would like to know what was up, and you'll feel better too." The only thing I could do without knowing what was up with him was listening, and I was really interested to hear what happened.

"If you say so...It's not like I could lose anything anymore."

"I was never really popular in school. I don't even know why, but I always was an outsider. I didn't like it, but I could live with it. The other boys just ignored me back then... But I always had my parents. My mother... she was the best mother you could wish for. She was always there for me, cared a lot and was just the perfect mother. My father... well, I always thought he was okay. He was not like my mother, but he was a good father back then. My mother supported me when I was an outsider and my father usually worked. But then, my father lost his job. My mother had to work more, and my father just stayed out the whole day to look for a job. But it was a lie, he began to drink and cheated on my mother, and he became dependent on alcohol. My mother had to manage everything - earn money, take care of my father when he was drunk, everything. And my father just didn't want to have a therapy, he just kept drinking and wasting money and breaking the heart of my mother with these b*tches he met in the clubs... She became depressive, and just cried the whole day. It was hard for everybody, and by that time I also started having a diary. It was just for writing my feelings about my life, I actually meant living with my parents back then, but... I also wrote down my feelings for a classmate. A guy." He suddenly panicked.

"Please don't hate me now! I-"

"Heyy... I don't hate you, why would I? Because you're gay? Really, I don't care because you know... I- I'm gay too" I confessed, only then realizing that I told him what I've never told anybody before.

Myungsoo looked like I just said I was an alien from Mars.

"Really? You're the first one I met..." He seemed really surprised but also relieved, relieved that I wouldn't say something bad about it how some people might do.

"So... I wrote about my feelings for a classmate too. He was one of the 'cool guys', and I never really hoped he could like me back anyway. But then... one day, I dropped my schoolbag at school and everything fell out. I know it's stupid to actually take the notebook to school, but I did and... my crush picked it up. And read everything out loud in front of the whole class."

His voice broke and he cried on my shoulder, while I tried to understand what he just told me. So he had problems with his parents and his classmates... I began to comprehend why he didn't want to see his father.

"They began to bully me. For being gay, in love with him, and even for my father being an alcoholic. They hated me, my crush made fun of me, and once they even pulled me in the boys bathroom 'for fun'. My crush hit me. The others laughed and hit me too, until I was bleeding, nearly unconscious lying on the ground. They finally left, but my crush turned around and called me a 'disgusting '. I really liked him, and then- then- he reacted like this" Myungsoo's voice broke and I held him tighter.

I felt pity for him when I heard it. Of course I knew that homouality was not accepted by everyone, but I never experienced something like this myself. Myungsoo however... experienced terrible things.

"I'm sorry for what happened to you. But this guy's not worth your love when he treated you like this" I told him, not sure what else to say.

"I kn- know", he sobbed. "I don't think I still like him but it was terrible... how he treated me in front of everybody. I felt so horrible when I went back home, not knowing what to tell my parents because the bruises were clearly visible. My father however was quite sober considering his usual condition was passed out when I came back home. But I didn't even wonder, I couldn't care for that. My mum was sad as usual, but when she saw me, she asked what happened. And I told her. She didn't even react bad, it was my father who did. He was not reacting at first... but then-" Myungsoo gripped my shirt tight, and I knew that this was the worst part of his story even though it already was terrible.

"He- he asked me if it was true that I was gay. Like he couldn't believe it. And then- he screamed 'my son is a ?!?' and- and-  he said he- wanted to see me never again" Myungsoo was a sobbing mess in my arms, and I could understand it. I never experiened something like this, but it sounded terrible, and I don't even want to know how it felt when my father would kick me out because I was gay. I knew I was lucky my parents accepted me no matter what, but seeing Myungsoo break down like this because his parents didn't accept him... I just held him tight when he cried on my shoulder until he had no tears left and finally fell asleep in my arms.

It took him weeks to slowly get over it. He stayed with me for much longer than actually intended, but he had nowhere to go and we became friends soon so I had no problem with letting him stay. Still, it took time until Myungsoo finally trusted me because he only had bad experiences with people he trusted until now. Weeks of me comforting him when he was sad, me helping him to find a part-time job and me taking care of him made him finally trust me, but what took weeks to arise took only seconds to be destroyed. And what made it worse, I was the one who destroyed our friendship that evening...

We were both sitting on the couch, well, actually Myungsoo was lying in my lap, eyes closed, and I couldn't help but admire his beauty. I knew I shouldn't, but - I couldn't help it. I always thought of Myungsoo as a friend before, but I noticed that was not the case anymore. It actually never was the case, it was just me who took a while to find out what I truly felt.

I had fallen in love with Myungsoo and now I looked down at him lying in my arms, eyes closed. He looked so peaceful, so stunningly handsome... I just wanted to kiss him, but I knew I shouldn't. He didn't even like me back so I shouldn't do anything, I'd only hope when there was no space for hope. But still... would it be that bad when I kissed him? Just a little peck on the cheek... He was asleep anyway... And then I couldn't resist the urge to kiss him any longer, and I leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. Myungsoo's skin felt so nice the second the kiss lasted, but then Myungsoo suddenly opened his eyes in shock.

"Sungyeol...", he sounded shocked and... like he didn't want to believe what just happened. . I shouldn't have kissed him, I mean, it basically was a confession because who kissed his friend when he thought he was asleep? No one did... except he liked him like more than a friend.

Myungsoo hesitated, but then he said one sentence that was going to change our friendship forever.

"Do that never again, please."

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tell me what you think after you read part 2?