The flowers he was holding were beautiful. Purple, pink and red was the only thing Kyungsoo could see. He breathed in; catching the fresh, floral scent and his own senses disappeared, the strength in his legs left him. Kyungsoo sat down by a tree, carefully observing everything around. The snow was falling on him, melting when it reached his jacket. It was Christmas Eve. However, he couldn’t see anything, couldn’t feel anything, but he could almost, just almost, hear the soothing voice of his loved one.

 

“Kyungsoo hyung!”

 

The voice was so perfect, so amazing. He could hear the voice come closer, but Kyungsoo was hidden behind the tree. And he didn’t want anyone to see him. Not now.

 

Kyungsoo thought of how much he loved the way the boy smiled. How the boy always sent grins to him across the classroom during their high school years at summer school. How the boy always gave him back hugs and how he cutely pouted when Kyungsoo would scold him. How the boy would dance like no one was watching when he was drunk and how he would treat Kyungsoo so perfectly.

 

How he would kiss Kyungsoo on the lips, as if he was asking for permission. How he would touch the right places every single time. How he would say the right words whenever Kyungsoo needed to hear them.

 

He loved how those words would just slip out of their mouths without them actually realizing it. It was so natural.

 

“I love you, Jongin-ah,” Kyungsoo would always whisper shyly. Jongin would always pick him up and start spinning around and Kyungsoo would laugh and Jongin would sing an “I love you too, hyung!” back each time. Everything would be perfect, even if it was only for a few weeks, days, hours or minutes.

 

What Kyungsoo remembered better than anything were their constant fights. How Kyungsoo would scream, cry, and say the stupidest things ever. How Jongin would hit the kitchen counter, yell back, and slam the door.

 

However, every time they would always find themselves in the same bed again. Sobbing apologies that might have not been as genuine as they wanted them to be, and promising promises they couldn’t keep.

 

The vibrations in Kyungsoo’s pockets wake him up from his short-lived daydream. He takes out his phone and glances at the screen. “Baekhyun,” he mumbles, before putting down the phone. He didn’t really want to talk to anyone, even if Baekhyun only wants the best for Kyungsoo. “Let me fantasize, only for a little bit longer.”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t really know when everything started falling apart for real. It might have been that time Kyungsoo said he loved Jongin, but Jongin just mumbled a “me too” back, not even sparing Kyungsoo a glance. Or when Jongin would kiss Kyungsoo, but Kyungsoo would only push him away. Lie about being sleepy.

 

Their eyes didn’t have that same passion and love, but neither could let go. Jongin would come back home drunk and pretend he didn’t see Kyungsoo’s eyes glistening and Kyungsoo would cry himself to sleep and pretend he didn’t see Jongin stumble and swear to himself. However, both of them were at fault, despite neither of them wanting to admit it at the time.

 

It might have gone hours, maybe even days, when a voice woke Kyungsoo up. “Kyungsoo-ah, you didn’t answer my phone calls,” Baekhyun whispers, waking the small boy in front of him up. Kyungsoo was still leaning against the tree, and he was still holding the small bouquet.

 

“Did you visit him yet?” Baekhyun mumbled, looking down at Kyungsoo who just shook his head. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to realize it. He didn’t want to start seeing and hearing and feeling again.

 

“Go,” Baekhyun said sternly, looking down at Kyungsoo who slowly stood up, but only stood there.

 

“Go. Right. Now,” Baekhyun hissed. He didn’t even hesitate when he slapped his good friend. Kyungsoo looked up at Baekhyun, covering his stinging cheek with his hand. Baekhyun gently smiled at the big eyed boy while he sighed. “Now go. You know where it is.”

 

Kyungsoo started walking away from Baekhyun while he started seeing again. Started feeling. The emotions hit him like a wave and he cheeks were quickly tear-stained. Kyungsoo no longer only saw the pink, purple and red flowers. He saw the grey world he was living in. He saw the dull trees and the gloomy stones.

 

I miss him, Kyungsoo thought as he remembered their last promise that like all the others couldn’t be kept. It had been Christmas Eve and Kyungsoo knew Jongin was off getting drunk with random girls. What Kyungsoo had not expected was a phone call from Jongin.

 

“Kyungsoooo… I’m so sorry, I’m so freaking sorry!” he had screamed. Kyungsoo was shocked, Jongin hadn’t apologized since before the real breakdown of their relationship.

 

“Jongin?” was all Kyungsoo could say. He was unable to fathom what Jongin was saying to him. He didn’t sound drunk and probably wasn’t drunk at all.

 

They ended up crying and laughing and apologizing that night. Both of them admitted that they were wrong. They had said sorry at least fifty times each. They promised each other that they would talk when Jongin came home. But the roads were icy and it was late.

 

Jongin never came home.

 

Kyungsoo stopped in front of the dreaded rock as he clenched his fists and held his breath. He didn’t dare say anything.

“January 14^th 1994 – December 24^th 2013. Rest in peace, Kim Jongin.”

 

“Come back to me, you idiot!” Kyungsoo sobbed, but it sounded like he was begging. He started screaming incomprehensible swear words and fell to the ground. Baekhyun ran over and hugged him, but Kyungsoo couldn’t stop crying and sobbing and regretting everything he had down.

 

I want to live in my colorful fantasies with kisses under the moonlight, the back hugs, cute pouting, and everything else Jongin did to me and maybe would still be doing if… he thought while trying to wipe his tears, but failing.

 

If he wasn’t dead.

 

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Haha, this got more angsty than I expected, but OH WELL! xD

I hope you enjoyed~