I’m smiling

Love is ineffable, you knew that evidently. There was too much pressure on you, too much stress but falling in love felt wonderful. At least, there was someone you looked forward to in school. There was someone whom made you feel happy and bubbly inside and outside without doing much. And there was someone you thought of before going to sleep.

But you didn’t feel happy now. Falling in love is good, but falling for someone you shouldn’t have isn’t.

You couldn’t help yourself. What was the cause of your unhappiness? What was the cause of the pain you’re feeling now, whether you were physically or mentally hurt? “Hoya….” You called out, softly. “This is too much for me.” Tears welled up in your eyes. No more crying, you reminded yourself.

You had made your decision; it was time for you to act maturely. It was time for you to face the cruel reality. You decided to let Hoya know your feelings for him. You decided to be strong.

If you love someone, tell him or her. Forget about the rules or the fear of looking ridiculous. What is truly ridiculous is passing up on an opportunity to tell someone that your heart is invested him or her.

Yes, that was the reason to your decision. ‘This is it. Everything will be out.’

A lump formed in your throat when you held onto your phone, your heart was in your mouth. You were tensed, ‘This is going to be hard. But I’m still going to let everything out.’ You thought that living like this wasn’t healthy, suffering alone like this wasn’t a good choice. Hoya had the right to know your feelings. And you were telling him no matter what today.

You grew even more uneasy when you heard the dialing tone. ‘Pick up please.’ You prayed in your heart. Your lips were dry and chapped, yet you were still biting it. If Hoya hadn’t picked up the call, you would have bitten your lips till it bled.

“~~~~? Hello?”

You swore your heart skipped a bit. You were filled with joy when you heard his voice. But then, you remembered your purpose of the call. This call wasn’t for some chit-chat or catching up.

“Hey...” Your voice trembled. Damn, not at this moment, you thought to yourself. This was a critical moment. You gave yourself a mental slap for sounding so idiotic. You swallowed your spit and continued.

“Erm… I..” You stiffened, not knowing how to start.

“Are you okay? I’m worried. You hadn’t been hanging out with your friends, and I noticed you have been avoiding me since the last time you saw me. What’s wrong? We’re friends, aren’t we? Why don’t you tell me anything?” You felt a rising sense of panic. Your heart sank when you heard him saying ‘We’re friends,’ You couldn’t help but felt sad. ‘Yes, we’re just friends.’ You felt sudden anguish and sorrow.

You shook the depressing thought away. “That’s the reason why I’m calling.” You cleared your throat before continuing. “I like you.” This was now or never.

You hesitated when you heard him gasp. “O-oh……” You felt a painful stab of remorse. , you were regretting it. But you knew you had to spill everything now.

“See, I liked you since I saw you in the dance studio. I just fell for you like that. Then I found out you had a girlfriend, so I cried. You saw me, didn’t you? You came over and lend me your shoulder, it hurts me even more.”

You took a deep breath.

“And I don’t know why I’m avoiding you. I think it’s because if I ever look into your eyes, I would just break down in front of you.”

“……. I’m sorry…..” You were on the brink of tears. The last thing you wanted to hear from him was an apology. “Don’t be sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s my fault. And I’m sorry for making you worry, I’m fine, don’t worry.” Your lips curled into a faint smile.

“You’re not at fault too.” He retorted. You shrieked in your mind. “I’m very sorry for making things so hard.” He replied again, softly. You rolled your eyes, didn’t you tell him that you didn’t want an apology?

“Your girlfriend…. Take care of her, okay? Make her happy. I’m sorry for being a burden to you. You stay happy too.”

“You have to stay happy too.” You could hear him sighing over the phone.

“I’ll smile for you because if you’re happy, I should feel happy too for you.”

“Hmmm...”

“Oh, and Hoya….” You bit your lip with hesitance. A rising sense of panic seized you.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

Goodbye.

You immediately ended the call and heaved a sigh. You glanced at your phone, it stated 5 minutes. ‘Whoa, a 5 minutes confession.’

Later, you felt your phone vibrating. Hoya was calling. In an instant, you ignored his call. God, he had to make it so hard for me, you mumbled as you fell onto the fall. You chunked your phone in the sofa but heard it vibrating again. Deep regret and remorse overcame you.

Then you realized, that was it, you told him everything. Gosh, the call was longer than you thought. But you felt lighter, like there wasn’t anything holding you down. You actually felt relaxed. You also felt grateful that he had worried about you.

A big fat teardrop slowly trickled down your cheek. You were crying? Pathetic. While the tears came out, you smiled too, just the way Hoya wanted you to. He would never know how much you would regret this. At least, there were memories that you two shared for you to reminisce. You found yourself weak and stupid that you were like this after you told him that you were fine. ‘I’m such a pathetic person. Told him that I’m going to smile but look, I’m crying now.’

As you wiped your tears with the back of your hand swiftly, you thought, ‘I should be smiling but I cried instead. He’s happy with his girlfriend, right?’

Oh the irony. You wanted to be the cause of his happiness.

You wanted to feel happy again, you wanted to smile again.But smiling and crying could no longer console you. You were immune to your mixed feelings and emotions. Were you just bipolar? You didn’t know why you were acting like this. Emotions…. They were your weak point. And Hoya? He was your weakest point. I’m going to regret this, you muttered and stared at the ceiling blankly.

‘I’m smiling for you, okay? Because I love you.’

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deng deng deng, omg i at endings. OHNOOO D; how was it? thank you for reading, i love you guys so much^^