“Favourite season?”

He smiled. “It’s spring.”

“Wow. Why?” I squinted.

“It’s pretty.”

I snorted. “Pretty?”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Pretty.”

 

///

 

I still could hear his voice and the obvious enthusiastic tone that came out from his mouth when he said, “It’s spring.”

Spring.

The truth was, anyone could mention the word to me and it’d lead my mind to replay all the bittersweet memories I’ve ever encountered before.

There was just something about the spring breeze.

We agreed that Beijing in April is the prettiest; the blossoming, thousand varieties of different flowers, the colourful gardens, the wind itself, and he always had a thing for the blue sky. We could do almost anything in spring. I always loved everything about spring and he pretty much knew it. He said he loved spring too, because it was spring when he was born. Indeed, he was born when the flowers blossomed and the sky was clear.

In an instant, spring added more meanings to me.

I hadn’t been sleeping well lately. Since that farewell we had six months ago when he left to South Korea, (and I haven't heard anything from him ever since) and when I left to study to Hangzhou. It was all because my mind was focusing on the same thing every time I tried to close my eyes. Every night, when it was so quiet and I felt so lonely, my mind was wandering again and it went to him. It went to the person I thought of before I went to bed. It went to the person I always wished for every time I prayed. And I would always be wondering how he was doing, if he was alright, or if other people treated him nicely. How I wished I was there to accompany him through everything.

Why is it so hard letting him go?

I decided to do many things to put him out of my mind, but it was all useless. There was a lot of time when I would stop walking when I saw someone with the exact same hair with him, and my friends admitted that they lost count on how I became wordless everytime someone with similar figure as him was caught with my sight. I thought I was going crazy, but they said it was normal to act like this when one just lost their first love. I always scoffed at that phrase, yet I could never deny it. 

Though, today was different. I ran through my way to the train station, (and people would probably think that I was late, but actually I wasn't) and I was wearing his favourite red scarf he gave me that cold night, two years ago. Indeed, it was quite cold today, and he crossed my mind again.

No, I was wrong. He actually never left my mind even for a second; I could do anything and I would remember him in a light speed.

It was just that the memories were always different, and I always cherished every moment I spent with him. What was funny for me was how I actually was a very forgetful and reckless person, but I remembered every memory I had with him. Three years were not a short period of time, it was so easy to forget three years of memories for someone like me, yet I remembered them all. All those little details, and of course, the big event. I remembered how he always played soccer in our school’s field, getting all the girls’ attention so easily, and how he was never aware of that. I remembered how easy it is for him to catch a cold, and it worried me somehow. Was he wearing his favourite jacket now and feeling warm?

After six months not knowing exactly how he had been, we had a talk last night (I almost laughed in agony at how easily he approached and messaged me after all this time, yet I knew I couldn't ever say no to him) and he promised me yesterday we’d meet at the same place we first met three years ago. I just had to say that I was very surprised to hear him saying that. Six months, and he said he was staying in Beijing for a night; and that he wanted to meet me. He even asked if I remembered that certain place. How absurd. I still remembered it clearly, even though maybe he didn’t, because to me, it was the first time I saw someone so beautiful that my eyes couldn’t stop looking at him. He looked like an angel itself, smiling softly as he asked me, “Did you drop this?” His hand held a notebook of mine, but I was too distracted by the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

I still remembered the way his eyes twinkled.

It was like they put stars in his eyes.

Without a warning, I was the one who fell into his charms right away. He stood there and he was there, and he stole my attention.

And maybe, he did steal my heart too that day.

That pretty much explains why I always felt so empty since I met him.

I reached the station’s gate and ran faster to finally go into the hall and all of sudden, just like usual whenever I saw someone looked like him, I froze. This one was different though, because I wasn't hallucinating this time. It was him. It was really him. The sight of him made me forget how to breathe. There he was, he appeared before my eyes. With his favourite pair of jeans and the knitted blue sweater I bought for him last year. He leaned against the wall so casually, with his face looking down, and left hand slipped into his pants’ pocket. There was this huge bag lied on the floor beside him. I swore to God, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. To the hell with the crowds now; I didn’t care about other people who passed by, because my eyes were locked on him.

Even in the crowd, he would always be the first person I found.

He always had this power to make me do that, yet he never knew.

Slowly, I moved my way towards him. Each step made us closer, and I thought I was going to die because I could feel my heart beating abnormally fast. This was unusual, because I usually felt calm whenever I was around him. Probably it was because of the distance? Or how afraid I was of saying good bye to him again? I was so afraid my heart was going to burst out, until I could see him feeling that someone was walking closer to him and he finally looked up.

Again, I was lost in those twinkling eyes.

I was pretty sure there was this long silence between us, I didn’t know, maybe an hour, or maybe three hours. All I know was, I just stood there, looking like a fool while staring at his face, as if I was looking at a ghost. Well, it had been six months, of course, the sensation was like seeing a ghost. I could see he tried his best to smile, but his eye bags were more visible now, and tiredness that flashed on his face was too obvious to ignore. This made my heart clenched, but I couldn’t say anything. My mouth was totally sealed. I tried to speak but no words came out.

I miss him so bad, it hurted a lot.

“Hey.” Finally, he opened his mouth. “Long time no see, Lin.”

That moment, I wondered how he could have this much power of me. The way he stared at me, the way he talked, the way he said my name. Why did everything he did always make me feel so different and alive? It almost felt like I was living from his presence, yet dying from it.

Though, still I was mad at him for saying nothing to me in six months and he came back with a "hey". So typical of him, being oblivious and awkward person he was.

I sighed a bit and nodded, trying to erase the nervousness I felt. I was also trying so hard to not blurt out something at him. Really. It hurted. “Long time no see, Luhan.”

Luhan.

I could never, ever erase that name from my mind.

He stepped forward, erasing a few inches between us, bringing us closer. His eyes were focusing on the scarf that was hanging messily around my neck. I could see his hands shaking a bit when he tried to help me to fix the scarf. Seeing this, I couldn’t help but to smile a bit, realizing that he was still that awkward boy I knew. 

“So,” he coughed, “have you been a good kid and study well in college?”

A nervous chuckle slipped through my mouth and it made him smile lightly. “We did not talk for six months and you easily asked that? You are so unbelievable, Luhan."

He blinked at me, as he tried harder to not look at me in the eyes. "Well, I don't know..."

I sighed, again, and I didn't let him continue his sentence and cut it out by nodding slowly, "Yeah. I’m always a good kid.” I nodded playfully. “Though, college is not a good place for a good kid.”

Luhan seemed to be understood my tendency to wave this thing off and he then smiled a bit. I guessed we really were great at playing and pretending. “Oh, really?” He raised his right eyebrow, pulled in his arms after trying to fix my scarf (though it really didn’t make an apparent change) and crossed them in front of his chest. “I’ve always thought college is a fun place for you. You even got into art major. Isn’t that supposed to be fun?”

I hissed at his statement and shrugged. “Well, if you think losing sleep because of projects is fun, then yeah, it is.” Projects, it was actually more because of him, but of course I couldn't say that. A playful grin appeared on my face, followed by a grin appeared on his too. I didn’t know why, but I could feel how the awkwardness was slowly fading away.

Wasn't it ironic how we were trying to erase the pain by pretending we didn't feel it in the first place? 

I had to admit that it reminded me how much I loved talking with him. We could talk about anything and it still made sense. Six months without him and our random daily conversations, it amazed me how I could survive those days without hearing his voice, even though it was hurting me so much. Six months since he left to South Korea to study; and now he was here, appearing before my eyes and I still had to let him go.

Though, one thing was disturbing me so much. One question that I could never ask easily to him.

Have you found someone else there, Lu? 

He wasn't mine anymore. (Or maybe he never was?) With that face and personality, he must be having someone else in his mind right then. He could have any girl he wanted, I was pretty sure of that.

“Lin.” He called my name again, and I looked up to see his face, though I could feel it made my face got warmer. “Did you even get sleep last night?”

Did I?

See. How oblivious he was.

He sent the message and thought that it would make me sleep peacefully.

I couldn’t even close my eyes after I received a short message from him, asking me if I was in Beijing for this short spring holiday. I got surprised, thus I decided to push calling button with my shaking hand instead. I thought I was dreaming when I heard that silky voice of his, calling my name through the phone. Really, Luhan, I nearly broke down crying because of that. There were a lot of times where I nearly cried in front of him, but I never did. I really couldn’t do that, because I knew it would break his heart more instead of mine. Because I knew the moment he saw tears streaming down my face, it would worry him more, and I never wanted to be such a worrisome to him.

I promised myself that I would be strong enough for him; for both of us. I didn't know if he still remembered or not.

“Lin?”

“Huh — oh, yeah?” My thoughts broke eventually and I gave him a reassuring smile. “Of course I did. Why?”

No word escaped from his mouth, and instead he brushed his right thumb over my left cheek softly, obviously made my heart beat faster than it should be. He was never good at words, I had to admit it. But his little actions always left huge marks on me. He always poured his sincerity and honesty in it, and I could never ask for more. Just like now, he didn’t have to say anything but I could see how his eyes always speak for him. He didn’t have to say anything but I could understand him.

I always did.

And I understood how scared he was right then.

How scared we were.

“Your eyes are swelling.” He smiled that worrying smile; and he casually cupped my cheeks with his cold hands. So cold. I didn’t like it one bit. “You will never be a good liar, Lin. Do you know that?”

With a lot of hesitation, I grabbed both of his hands, squeezed it lightly and pulled my face slowly. I held his hands for that matter of seconds, leaving us both in silence. I rubbed my hands against his, and sighing quietly. “Your hands are cold. You have to be careful or you will catch a cold.” I stopped after a few seconds, and then looked up at him. “Is it warmer now?”

He nodded. “Yeah. It’s a lot better now.”

I grinned happily then let go of his hands, even though I didn’t want to. “Good.”

I was surprised when he reached out his arms around my body and squeezed me into his embrace. It was really sudden, and I didn’t even see it coming. But I could feel his heart beating faster than normally it would be, how his arms safely embraced me, and how his breath tickled my ear. His hair... his hair smelled exactly like the first time I met him. He never changed.

How I wished we never changed too.

It really scared me.

Why were we always scared of things, Luhan? We probably could some sort things out, but we were always scared of how bad things could turn out to be. They said everything would be okay if we would stay with our loved ones; yet we never took that chance. I understood how scared and worried you were; and you said we could ruin our friendship if we kept continuing being lovers.

How absurd.

Shouldn't it be enough to be with just your loved ones?

“I have to leave in fifteen minutes,” he said. I thought someone punched my throat when I heard him saying this. That fast? “I have to go to the airport and fly off to Seoul, again."

"But you just came here last night..."

He didn't listen and kept saying this I didn't want to hear. "I will be flying in an hour. I'm sorry we don't have too much time, but I'm glad we meet again. I don’t think I can go home soon. You remember about my dream, don’t you? They accepted me, Lin. They accepted me and I will start this Monday. I have officially become a trainee.”

I didn’t know whether I should be happy or sad — hearing that he would be away for a long time, and yet he was a step closer to reach his dream. To see him blissfully happy was one of my dreams, and I knew that reaching his dream would make him happier than ever, so I guessed I had to be happy for him now, didn’t I? Even though I had to let him go, again. For a longer time.

“I’m,” I caught up my breathe, “so happy for you...”

He tightened his grip, and I tried my best not to cry. I hugged him tighter than ever. It was really difficult to let go of something you’ve always wished for; to let go of something that gave you hope. I understood why he was scared; I never thought our paths would be together in a long time anyway. But I really appreciated those years we’ve spent together, even though I got to let go of him now. Even though our paths had to be apart in the end. But it was okay, at least I had the chance to hold him tight, to love him, and to cheer for him.

Though I would never stop doing that.

“I have to go,” he whispered. His voice was so low, and he slowly loosened up his grip. I felt as if reality just slapped me back to real life, that I had no other choice than to let go and say good bye.

I didn’t say anything, but he just stared into my eyes.

That pair of twinkling eyes stared right into me, I was melting away, but luckily he still had his arms around me, or maybe I’d just collapse onto the ground. No matter what, I’d still be lost in those eyes. I have stared into them billion times and yet I kept losing my mind over them.

I was so in love.

I was still in love.

Luhan casually brushed my hair that fell onto my forehead, while he was forming a shy smile that was too familiar for me. He didn’t say anything, again. We were just enjoying the silence for a few minutes, as I felt his forehead leaned in against mine, and I totally forgot about the passerby who looked at us like we were freaks who did freaky things. We did nothing, but I just realized how much I missed him when I had to let him go.

“I really have to go now.”

He pulled away from me, and I still didn’t say anything. He cupped my jaw for the last time and smiled that beautiful smile, before leaned in and gave my forehead a peck.

I never knew it’d hurt so bad seeing someone you love go far away from you.

This time, also because you knew he would never come back to your arms; not then, not ever.

He reached out for his huge luggage, while I was eyeing him in silence. I really didn’t bother to talk, because I really couldn’t do that. I was so scared if I opened my mouth, I’d automatically cry and it was the last thing I wanted to do for now. I really didn’t want to cry. I really wanted to show him that I was still that tough girl he met three years ago – the girl who never cried, at all.

My eyes scanned the environment around us. The station, passerbys, that clattering I didn’t even really pay attention to – and also him, with that slight smile, and his hand held a huge bag. I captured every moment, because I really was afraid to lose it. I was so afraid to lose him. I was so afraid to think that I’d be just another chapter of his life.

Ah. I was always a coward. Weren't you too, Luhan?

“See you later, Lin.” He nodded a bit. “I’m very grateful for our little meeting. I’m sorry I have to go very soon.” He forced a smile, and I chuckled lowly. “I’ll come back soon, I promise. I will contact you soon, too.”

Still, I didn’t want to speak. I just looked at him, telling myself not to expect for something bigger, because – well, I knew he would be so busy, and that I would be his nth priority in his life. I didn’t mind, as long as he’d be healthy and happy. Nothing mattered but that.

I remembered how easy he waved his hand to me, before finally turned his back on me and walked to different direction from me. It was so real, it was so close, I nearly broke down crying on station’s floor but I didn’t. I kept it inside very well, just like I always did. My eyes were hurt because I tried so hard preventing myself from crying, but when I couldn’t see his back anymore, it was all blurred.

It was so easy.

It was so easy to see someone you have always loved walk away from you.

 

 

It was spring.

 

It was spring when I met you,

when I first talked to you,

when I first knew your name.

 

It was spring when we laughed together,

when we held hands,

when you pressed your lips onto mine.

 

It was spring.

When he came back just to press his lips onto mine, one more time.

The sound of train’s chimney dominated my ears, but my mind was totally out of the earth. It was all because I could feel his lips glued onto mine, so suddenly, out of nowhere, as his hands cupped my jaws once again. I was longing to be in his embrace, to be kissed by him, to be held by him. The tears I had been holding in just bursted without a notice. I could feel tears streaming down my face, just because it reminded me then, the time had come, I had to let go of him too soon.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I just have to do that.”

I let out a chuckle. My cheeks were wet and I sniffled. “It’s okay. But you have to catch your train now.”

He didn’t say anything, instead he pressed his lips against mine again, this time slower and softer. “Yes.” He said afterwards, “I have to go now. I will send you mails, Lin. I promise.” He wiped my tears away. “You shouldn’t be crying. I’ll come back.”

I bit my lip. He said that too, six months ago. And we just met now. He rarely sent mails, though I didn't mind. As long as he was happy. Remember?

“Promise?” Though it'd be okay if you didn't mean it.

“Promise.” He smiled, and just like déjà vu, he walked away again.

Again, and again.

He kept walking away from me. I wasn't sure he would come back to me this time.

 

///

 

“Lin.”

I didn’t even bother to look up from my book. “Hm?”

“Lin.”

“Hm?” I really didn’t want to look up from my book. “What, Luhan?”

“Lin.”

I got annoyed so I looked up from my book all of sudden, glared at him, “What?”

I was expecting he would say something funny or awkward just like usual, but instead he leaned in so suddenly, erasing the distance between us two, and pressed his lips onto mine.

Again, I was expecting my heart to jumped out from my chest, but fortunately it didn’t.

It was just two of us in the classroom, every one was enjoying their break time and yet, here we were, losing ourselves in a chaste kiss. He pulled away for a second before closed the gap between us again, and I remembered gripping his school uniform tightly, totally forgot about the annoyance I felt before. My heart was beating abnormally fast, and his was, too. My grip was too tight, I could feel his heart beat as fast as mine.

I didn’t know how long it happened, but then he pulled away, looking at me with flustered face. A sheepish grin grew on his face.

“Lin, I like you.”

I could still smell the scent from his hair; his shampoo, and also his favorite cologne. It matched well with spring. He always had this familiar, homey scent and aura for me, where he would eventually welcome me with his playful grin. He didn't know how long I had waited for him to finally say those words, he didn't know how much I ached for his kiss and his embrace. He didn't know how I never thought I could be that lucky – but he was, and would always be, my love, no matter what.

 

Your kiss was so sweet – and intoxicatingly addicting.

And it was spring when you first kissed me.