It was three weeks before Christmas when Kyungsoo was officially diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Despite the fact that the psychologist was still talking to him, he felt like time stopped all together. Flashing thoughts of ‘what will I do now?’ and ‘Does this mean I’m officially crazy?’ flashed through his head as he desperately tried to stop himself from crying.

He’d done enough crying to last him a lifetime but he still couldn’t seem to stop himself. That was one of the reasons Jongin told him to bring it up at his most recent outpatients appointment. It could be something trivial on TV or someone on the street nudging him and he’ll just start crying uncontrollably out of the blue. On the other end it seemed like he didn’t feel anything at all, he distinctly remembers the news reporting a multiple car pile up where numerous people lost their lives and he didn’t even blink, he didn’t feel a single thing.

Jongin wasn’t there with him the time he got the diagnosis, and he almost felt lost. He didn’t want Jongin to completely ignore his schedule to be with him, but at that point he really needed someone to be there.

When he finally zoned back into the room the psychologist was talking about other possible symptoms to look out for. Apparently re-living the experience was the most prominent symptom people with PTSD had, mostly through flashbacks, hallucinations and nightmares. When the doctor asked if he’d had any of these he just nodded to himself.

“Now we should discuss treatment. I think with a case like yours we should move forward to treat the symptoms with a combination of medication and psychotherapy.” The doctor stated, scrawling something down in his record book before pushing up his glasses.

Not more goddamn medication. Kyungsoo sighed, running a hand through his hair. It was too long and irritating him but he hadn’t been to get it cut in what felt like months because the only barber with decent prices was on the street where it all happened and he couldn’t seem to bring himself to go back.

Which was apparently another symptom.

The doctor glanced at him above his glasses when he sighed. “Don’t worry, psychotherapy isn’t as scary as it sounds. In fact it’s often used to treat phobias. I think the main form of psychotherapy we’ll be using is cognitive-behaviour therapy, which is where you will learn to recognise and change thought patterns that lead to troublesome emotions, feelings and behaviour. Hopefully you will find it very useful.”

“Yeah, hopefully.” He deadpanned, eyes blinking furiously to try stop the tears.

“Kyungsoo, you can beat this. It will take time, but I honestly believe that you are strong enough to overcome all the obstacles that life is throwing at you, have patience.”  This time his words were accompanied by a gentle pat on the shoulder.

Kyungsoo thought he’d gotten over this.

--

It had been so quiet in the apartment when Jongin got back that he thought Kyungsoo had fallen asleep without him. It had been a few weeks since that initial night where Jongin had slept over, and he was there most nights now, he’d even got a draw of clothes in Kyungsoo’s bedroom and a toothbrush in the bathroom.

Which is why he thought it would be weird if Kyungsoo had fallen asleep without him, the smaller man found it almost impossible to sleep without Jongin next to him. Apparently Jongin was now Kyungsoo’s living comfort blanket, which he didn’t actually mind because it meant he got to spend more time with him.

He was sweaty and in his practice clothes, and he was almost certain that he smelled bad, but he still wandered around the apartment to try find Kyungsoo. It took him a full two minutes until he finally spotted him on the kitchen floor with a tub of pistachio ice cream next to him.

Jongin stood there and Kyungsoo didn’t even look him, just continued staring dead ahead to stare at the front of the refrigerator he was facing. Jongin had noticed that some of Kyungsoo’s behaviour was a bit weird, but he never mentioned it until now, he just rolled with it in the hope it would be a one off thing.

Bag abandoned on the floor, Jongin slid down to sit next to him, sweat soaked t-shirt clinging to the cupboard of the island counter. He remained completely silent because he knew that Kyungsoo would talk when he was ready.

“You should probably leave, you don’t want to catch the crazy.” He mumbled, voice cracking in a way which highlighted the fact he’d been crying for a good two hours that afternoon.

“What are you talking about, Soo-ah?”

“Didn’t you hear me?” He barked out a hollow laugh. “I’m crazy. I’ve literally been diagnosed crazy.”

Jongin was about to ask again but then he remembered the psychologist appointment. He was of course, going to wait in the waiting room for him like he did with all his other appointments, but his practice group downright demanded that he be there at that specific time. He didn’t even know how he’d forgotten about it up until now, he’d felt so guilty for having to leave him when it was clearly an important appointment, it must have slipped his mind during rehearsals.

Tears were making their way down Kyungsoo’s face again, and his eyes were red. He cried almost silently now, the only thing Jongin could hear was Kyungsoo attempting to keep his breathing steady but instead he was shaking.

“Soo-ah…” He raised his hand to touch Kyungsoo’s shoulder, but he paused.

Kyungsoo tightened his grip on the sweater pants he was wearing, nails digging in hard enough that they could probably break through skin. “Who is going to want this? Who is going to love me now? They should just lock me up with all the other crazies, I mean that’s where I belong now, right?”

Jongin was about to speak when he was cut off. “And don’t say you will, we both know you only stay around because you feel sorry for me, and because I have no friends. You should probably join the line because-”

“You’re wrong.” Jongin said, soft enough that it stopped Kyungsoo in his tracks completely.

Kyungsoo stared at him with tear filled eyes, and he couldn’t help but feel a wave of affection. Jongin was smiling at him, a small smile which didn’t have any hidden sympathy like all the other ones Kyungsoo had seen that morning. It was a smile that spoke volumes about the type of person Jongin really was.

Jongin cleared his throat. “I- I don’t know how to put this without sounding dumb so just let me speak okay?”

Kyungsoo nodded whilst wiping away a couple of stray tears. Jongin moved to sit in front of him, gently moving his hands away from his lap which he was still grabbing at. Jongin was still so warm it amazed him.

“I… I love you.”

Kyungsoo’s owl eyes seem to get even bigger at the words. His heart stopped and he felt a rush of adrenaline suddenly wake him up. He looked Jongin in the eyes and he didn’t see any hint of pity, he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t noticed before.

“I know it sounds so cliche but, the moment I first saw you smile, I felt like I had seen one of the wonders of the world. That day in the hospital, you looked so broken, so… helpless. I promised myself that day that I would never let you feel like that again, I promised myself I would be there for you whenever you needed me.”

Jongin glanced down at their hands, smirking. “I love everything about you. I love your eyes, your lips, your smile. I love the way you look when you sleep, I love hearing you sing when you’re in the shower, I love the way you look when you look at the stars out of the window at night. I love how happy you get when you see fireworks. I love how you love indie music but hate rap. I love the way you get carried away talking about your favourite books, even when I don’t know which ones you’re talking about. I just… love you. For who you are.”

“So who cares if you are crazy? I don’t. You’re still the same Do Kyungsoo I fell in love with all those months ago. Loving you means I love the whole package, scars and all. So don’t say I’m only here because I feel sorry for you, because I don’t. I’m here because I made those promises to myself and I want to watch you grow stronger. So if it takes months, years, decades, I don’t care. I will always be there.”

“You probably don’t feel the same, and I’ll respect that. But I’d move mountains for you, Soo-ah. You have slowly become my world and I would do anything just to see you smile like the whole world is beautiful. And I am so sorry that I wasn’t there today, because I know you would have needed a hug and someone to reassure you, and I promise you it won’t happen again.”

Suddenly, Kyungsoo didn’t care about anything. He didn’t care that he still limped, or about how he still struggled walking long distances because of his breathing. He didn’t care that his leg was completely covered with a myriad of white and pink scars, or that his head was messed up. Because in that moment it was just him and Jongin.

And it felt so good.

Their hands were still interlinked, and he could now feel Jongin shaking. At some point during it all he’d even started crying himself, and Kyungsoo had never seen Jongin cry, not even when they watched Bridge To Terabithia with subtitles. He never wanted to see Jongin cry again.

“Oh, Jongin. You beautiful, beautiful idiot.” And instantly his lips were on Jongin’s, hands working into the younger man’s sweaty hair. He didn’t care at all, he just wanted Jongin to know how he felt once and for all.

Jongin returned the kiss after the initial shock, hands going to Kyungsoo’s back to steady him because the smaller man was leaning over him. Kyungsoo’s lips were even softer than he imagined, if that was possible. It wasn’t a passionate kiss in the sense that they were both full of lust and want, but full of affection and utter devotion.

After a whole minute Kyungsoo pulled away, resting his forehead against Jongin’s sweat slicked one. He was breathing heavily from lack of oxygen and his cheeks were a furious shade of pink. Collapsing into Jongin’s lap, he sighed, hands still wound around Jongin’s neck as he played with the longer pieces of his damp hair.

After what felt like an eternity, Kyungsoo found his voice. “I don’t know when it was that I first started feeling this way towards you, but it hit me hard. After everything I’d been through you were still there, still here, even. You didn’t care that I was broken, you knew when I needed comforting and you made me laugh. You slowly became everything to me, and I was so scared, I was so ing scared that you were only here because you pitied me. I can’t believe I was so wrong.”

Jongin’s hands came up to wipe away a couple of tears which had spilled over, and Kyungsoo could feel himself leaning into the touch.

“I have never felt this way about anyone before, ever. I want to be with you all the time, I want to wake up in your arms every day and kiss you. Oh god I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long now I’m surprised I actually managed to restrain myself until now.” Jongin laughed at that. “I want to hear that laugh every day because it makes me feel so warm inside, you know?”

“I felt like whenever you were around my heart hurt because I couldn’t show you how much you meant to me, it physically hurt. But now… I feel… I feel like I finally have some clarity in my life. I’ve never been sure about a lot of things in life but I am one hundred percent sure that I am completely and hopelessly in love with you.”

Jongin laughed again and pulled Kyungsoo into a hug, one he never wanted to leave. Kyungsoo was of course crying again but it wasn’t because he was sad but because he was happy, ridiculously happy.

“I can’t believe we were so goddamn blind all this time.” Jongin stuttered out as he laughed even more.

“I can’t believe I’m letting you hug me when you’re covered in sweat.” Kyungsoo joked, feeling Jongin squeeze him even tighter.

“I’m not letting you go this time, sorry.”

“Good, I don’t want you to.”

AN: FINALLY!!  LOVE CONFESSIONS!! Happy New Year people!!!! It's finally 2015. Any mistakes in this chapter will be corrected in the morning because it's 2:20am and I'm about to pass out. I will update when I get some comments again  

Chapter title is from Push Your Head Towards The Air by Editors