Taehyun’s POV

When did I start looking out the window?  Rain’s already pooled on the streets beneath me, as if it’s been raining for a while. I look down at the cigarette in hand; I it in and I blow it out. A cloud of grey surrounds me and I smile in satisfaction as I see spirits dancing in the smoke.  I inhale and feel a familiar burn in my throat as the poison forces its way into my lungs to rip them apart. I now hold the trigger to my inevitable death. But I won’t stop, I can’t. Each breath of poison lets me dream a new dream; each breath of poison lessens my conscious screams. You are my favourite, yet why are you toxic.⁽¹⁾ Why do you force me down on my knees and make me beg for forgiveness?  

Tick-tock; four years⁽²⁾ have passed this clock. People say I’ve changed. They tell me I’ve turned cold, they tell me I used to be cheerful but now my eyes have lost its light and my voice admits fear. I start to quarrel and my mouth that once used to whisper kind words have now been tainted by profanity. The phrase I despise the most: “You don’t seem like yourself”⁽³⁾ is constantly being repeated by the lips of those around me. I question, “What is me?” but of course I know only too well.

I was nothing but a child with large hands reaching out to his dreams while holding a paper plane. Back then I was so innocent, so naïve and so tempted with ideals. Now I’ve become broken with lies then tortured to drown. Fingers⁽⁴⁾ that handed me the spade now scorn at me for my slight mistake, telling me to dig my own grave.

I try to run but all I see are walls all around. Bricks pile up and push on me and the cliff is now my only option. I jump without thinking and flounder into an abyss of water. I try to resist against the tide but I can’t escape because my world is a nothing but a transparent fishbowl⁽⁵⁾. My life has become nothing but for the viewing pleasure of the world. To spectators who shame the good, who tear apart those that shine brighter than themselves and to those who mark a straight line with a bent ruler. I am now reminded that lucid hearts are defective products of this world; and so I yearn to taint mine.

I yearn for alcohol, for nicotine, for drugs. Things I usually frown upon but I’ve come to learn that the world I live in no longer revolves around the good. It has now become a nation of sheep run by wolves. Gasoline became holy water and wars are now greedy for energy sources. If beauty comes from ugliness, is it beautiful? Tell me. If a flower grows from the ground that you poison, do you have the right to boast of its beauty? Everyone around me says it’s better not to know, because awareness has now become a sickness in my world.⁽⁶⁾

Ah, my heart hurts. I need to forget the harsh reality which is now my present so go ahead; add another shot of vodka and roll me more joints. It’s just a circulatory system of an evil cycle. My consumption that became a leech. There’s no escaping it.

As the dawn drizzle continues to pour from the clouds above, I stagger through the street drunk on anxiety. I’m running out of breath, I’m going crazy. Is it because a brand new day with more accusing fingers pointed my way is about to start again? I wonder. Or is it because even though I’ve got plenty of places to be and a lot of people to see, none of them sees the real me?

I hear people screaming left and right. Please stop saying words of comfort that I can’t hear. Don’t say that time heals all, because each second that passes by is like a slow death to me. Don’t say that the sun will rise tomorrow because I know what’s waiting for me is a darker morning than tonight.

Can I stop suffering now? Can I stop fearing now? Can I laugh just as much as I cried? Stop screaming my name. Stop pointing fingers at me. Stop tarnishing my name to earn money to feed your selfish needs. Please stop. I’m afraid of becoming a book that no one reads. I’m afraid of being abandoned like a movie playing in an empty theater.

I am sorry. I’ve said those words a thousand times over, but once again I apologize. I’m sorry. To all the people who are uncomfortable because I’m comfortable. I’m sorry. To all the people who are breathless because I breathe. I’m sorry.  To all the people who tried to fight my battles.

I hate reaching out with these empty hands. I want to lull them⁽⁷⁾, calm them down, but I myself am exhausted. Receiving love doesn’t mean you have it. Breathing doesn’t mean you live. I smile because it’s my job but my insides are empty. It’s because this low ceiling is now my sky.

But I can’t say I lost everything. Once in a while I’m still able to find happiness in the little things that inspire me and the people who stayed by my side when I pushed them away. These are the things that keep me standing when my knees are breaking. These are the people who encourage me to live another day.

So even if it’s a sigh, I’m still thankful for my breath. Even on sleepless nights, I’m still thankful for the welcoming pillow⁽⁸⁾. Although the applause that used to make me dream have now become a past. There are still many empty notebooks that I need to fill. There are many hyungs and dongsengs that I need to take care of. There are still many questions that I haven’t asked and many more answers that I haven’t received. There are also many hearts I have yet to touch.

So I want to live.

I want to live for the fans who cry my tears. I want to live for the fans that fight my battles. I want to live for the fans who accept the monsters in me.

A/N: Was it bad? Please let me know what you think. TTT

Twitter - @kangnamWOT5

Hidden Meanings/Explanation for those who are interested:

⁽¹⁾ Taehyun sees cigarrettes the same way he sees his fans. He loves them but some fans turn on him and become haters. And their words become toxic to him, just like cigarrettes.

⁽²⁾ Four years represent the four years Taehyun had to endure as a YG trainee.              

⁽³⁾ He doesn’t like this phrase because he feels like no ever saw the real him. So why do they keep telling him his not being himself?

⁽⁴⁾ Fingers who gave me the spade = people who helped him and believed in him that have now turn their back on him

⁽⁵⁾ The fishbowl represents how his whole life is now seen and controlled by the public. Like his a fish and the public are constantly looking at him for entertainment.

⁽⁶⁾ The world he is referring to is the idol world where slave contracts exist. Where sheeps (idols) are run by wolves (money-minded companies)

⁽⁷⁾ ”them” is referring to his fans. He wants to cheer his fans up to tell everyone that his okay, but all he can do is offer us his smiles.  That’s why he sees it as empty hands, he can’t give us more than that.

⁽⁸⁾ Welcoming pillow = friends,family & fans who comforts and accepts him when his at his worst.