If You're Gone...

"Preparing for the surgery, Palli gaseo!! Call doctor Han and Doctor Jang! Don't forget to call the blood bank too as soon as possible! We urgently need more stock of blood type A and we have not enough time! Ah.. and also don't forget to find the donors."

I could hear some doctors in emergency room said those sintences while my eyes and my heart still hang on to a girl's bloody body in front of me. I don't care how chaos the emergency room now. I don't even remember, how can i end up being here.

"Jeoseohamnida, you can't be here, Mister. Please, just wait out side. We need to do a surgery to help her. Just let her with us. We'll do our best!"

A nurse's voice broke my empty mind. My hands still hold her hand tight. But my mind... i don't know, i can't think anything. A few minutes ago i just talked to her on the phone and she was alright. Yeah... she told me how happy she was coz today is her last day doing Taetiseo promo. She'll have 2 weeks off days and we just made a plan to spent our vacation together.

But now... why? Why do she lay here with the blood covering her porcelain face? Why do she close her eyes while i called her name desperately? What happen to my Hyun?

"Mister..." Once again, the nurse bring my sense back. Without words, i gazed the nurse and she noded as she understand the meaning of my gaze.

"Geok jeongmaseo, we'll taking good care of her." She smiled at me tenderly. And then, i let my girl's hand and look at her face once again.

"You have to wake up, Hyun... you'd promised to treat me a dinner tomorow. Don't you forget that tomorow is March 15? I'll be waiting out side, hhm? I won't go anywhere, i promise. Just wake up soon, baby! Please..." I whispered those words in her ear. I started to croaked as my tears unconsciously fall. The alien aches can i begin to feel in my heart. Oh.. God... Seo Joohyun... uri Joohyun eottokhae?

"Please save her, ganhosanim. Jebbal, budagdeurimnida.." I beg her. And again, she noded with her genuine smile.

"Surgery room is ready! Doctor Han and Doctor Jang are wait there."

Another nurse came and the others quickly drive Joohyun's and Taeyeon's bed to that room. I try to stepped my quaking foots out of the room. But another heart breaking i have to faced when i open the glass door.

"Andweeeee!!! Maldo andweee!!!! Uri Dall, maldo andwe!! Fanny ah... jebbal dorahwa!!!! Irona... fanny ah!! Hwang Migyeong, ironaaaa!!!!"

I heard a woman screaming Tiffany's name histericaly. And then, i see Nikkhun Hyung helplessly sit on the floor with his emotionless face. I immediately run to him and ask him what happen.

He stared at me with his teary eyes. Even without words, i can understand what exactly is going on. His eyes told me the unbearable missery he just got.

Maldo andwe! It should be a dream! Impossible! How can it turned to be like this? Fanny... Taeyeonie... and my Hyun...

God, no..!! Please, save my angel! Please... don't take her away from me! Please... save her!

My body feels like loosing it bones. With Nikkhun Hyung, i knees on the floor. Hug him and try to give him strange, although i am the one who also need it more now....

****

3.15 am and it has been 2 hours since her surgery was began. Taeyeon's surgery had done first and she'd moved to the Intensive Care Unit for the next treatment. But what happen to Joohyun? Why do my Joohyun still locked on that room with those scary team? Is she alright? She have to! Yeah, she have to be alright! Please God, she have to be fine!

I lean my body on the sofa at the waiting room. I try to close my eyes and wish that this all just a bad dream. I rewind all those memories before i sit here with this hurtful fact.

Yesterday, at 7.00 pm, 8 hours ago, i'd been invited as one of a guest at a talk show with the other actors and actrees. One of them is Park Shinhye. It has been an old and low quality rumor about me datting Shinhye. However the both of me or Shinhye tried hardly denying that rumor, but i didn't know why did peoples never stop to spread those news. It was irritating me and of course Shinhye as well. Coz without peoples knew, Shinhye is someone's girlfriend and Geunsuk Hyung should be felt annoyed when his girl kept on pairing as another man's GF. And i have Seohyun too. It always ended with guilty feeling everytime i should do this kind of talk show. Yeah, everytime i denied the rumor with Shinhye, either i have to denied my real relationship with Seohyun. And damn, last night i did it again when the MC asked me about Seohyun.

"No, we're not datting, yeorobun! We're just a colleague. And i respect her as a sunbae in this industry since she has debuted first before me. We have a good relationship as the idols."

Then another freakin' question...

"Are you really don't have a romatic feeling to her?"

And my coward answer was...

"Not that kind of feeling..."

!!! I hated that!!

I hated my self everytime i fooling the world about my genuine feeling. Couldn't peoples see how i looked into her eyes during WGM? Have i ever gave those kind of stares to another girl? So just stop asking me those stupid questions coz i really couldn't risk our this so called 'career' with my honest answer! Please stop made me said those 'mianhae' to Seohyun for the same reasons.

But she's my angel. She has an angel heart which is as beautiful as her presence. For all of my cowardliness, she always said...

"Gwaenchanna, Oppa! I won't believe your words as long as your heart said the opposite. You know, i know you better than anyone, so just stop being sorry, Oppa..."

In a side, i felt relieved to heard that. But in another side, i was upset. Why coulnd't we admited our feeling like everyone did? I love her and she love me, why should we care with the fan's feeling? It's ridiculous!

"Gomawo, Baby! Eventhough... i started to feel tired now, Hyun. I'm already tired with these all. Keep on disclaiming you is the biggest burden for me. How can i do that for more, honey? Don't you feel it too?"

I heard she exhaled her breath by my phone. I guessed she had a deep thought for a moment before she answered my question.

"I do. I do, Oppa. You won't have any idea, how badly i want to braging you and tell to the world that you are my man. I swear, i desperately jealous everytime you being paired with the other girls. I want to claimed you as mine only, Oppa. Geundae eottokhae? It's our own fault for being greedy. We love each other either our career as well. We both knew since the first time, that this relationship is a selfish decision we ever made. In the end, we still chose for being selfish and took all the risk, right?  Didn't we agree to held every storms we'll get if oneday our career should being staked? You and my career are the most important thing in my life. And i know so do i for you. Gwaenchanna, Oppa! I'm happy for being yours. For now, it's so much enough for me."

If she only knew how ached my heart to heard those words. So Joohyun is always stronger than me. She transfered her strength to made me strong. But i always did nothing for her.

"Ahraseo, honey! Mianhae, i never mean to be a grumbler. I know you also tired coz of your hectic schedules. I'm really really sorry, Baby!" I realized, my voice got weaker. I miss her and desperately need to huged her.

"It's okay, Oppa. I'm glad that you always tell me anything on your mind and show me what you feels. I'm not a perfect girl friend either, Oppa. Oneday, i wish i have a chance to treated you better as your only woman." Her voice sounded so lovely and brought a warmth to my heart.

"Just come back soon, baby! I miss you badly. Don't forget to use the seatbelt and try to take a nap during the trip. I'm so sorry, i coldn't fetch you coz i just done with my schedule too. I'll make you a dinner and we'll eat together, kay?"

"Okay, Oppa. I miss you too. Don't worry about the seatbelt. I'm not like someone, you know?"

I heard her chuckled. Damn... i miss her so much!

"Who is someone?" 

I asked her and she laugh even more.

"Someone whom i love so much. Someone whom i met on february 10, someone who asked me to be his girl on March 15 a year after i met him, someone whom i want to treat a dinner tomorow evening, someone whom i want to spent the rest of my life with. Someone who hold his breath now for hearing my cheesy words on his phone!"

She ended her sintences with her little laugh. I swore, i was touched by her words. It always be me who deliriously told her those cheesy lines. And it was wonderful to heard her said that to me. Time to time, Seo Joohyun just being like me.

"God... Seo Joohyun you drive me crazy! Geuman palli dorahwa, angel! I can't help but urgently need to locked you in my arms."

Again, i heard her giggled softly.

"Algaeseo, Oppa. Geuman gidarigo.. i'm totally yours for these two weeks, geok jeongma!"

"Jinjaro?!!!!"

"Ohh..! So be nice to me or i'll spent my whole vacation with eonnideul."

"Andwee!!!! Jinja andwe! You'd promised me we'll go to Firenze. We'll meet there and spent the days together, right? Don't you ever dare to run, Seo Joohyun...!!!"

"Ouh.. you remember that? I thought you forget it."

"No way! How can i forget such an amazing chance like that? You under estimated me, Seo Joohyun Ssi. But i love you still..."

"I love you too, Oppa! I swear, i love you. I love you even more than you love me."

I gasped for a moment. Her voice sounded so mellow yet heard really melancholic. I was happy but... i don't know... the strenge feeling came along with her i love you. It wasn't my first time to heard her said those words. But last night, her words touched my heart so deep. Like everlasting...

"I know.. Hyun.. i..."

"Omo... eottokhae? Oh.. God..!!!!"

"Andweee!!!!!"

"Oppaaaaaa!!!!!"

BRUGGGGHHH!!!!!

I heard Fanny, Taeyeon dan Seohyun screamed and few seconds latter, i heard the 'bang' sound like something crashed on a hard thing.

"Yeoboseo?!! Hyun? SEO JOOHYUN, WHAT HAPPEN?!!!!"

I was so panic. I felt like dying just imagining that she got a car accident.

"JOOHYUN AH, ANSWER ME!! Don't scared me, baby.. please.. answer!" I started to sobbed.

"Oppaaa..." I heard her weak voice called me.

"Baby... i'm here. What happen, honey? Don't scared me..." I hardly tried to speak amidst my sob.

"I... Oppa... mian-nhae..." 

"Joohyun ah, baby... tell me what happen?! Seo Joohyun...!! Yeoboseo?! Hyun? JOOHYUN AAAH???!!"

****

That was the last 'i love you' that i heard from her before their van got hited by a truck. I called 119 immediately as i hurriedly drove my car to found her.

I found her first before the medical team. I couldn't believe what i'd seen. My baby.. my hyun sprawled on the street in the middle of the night with her bloody eonnies and manager. Blood covering her face and it pearcing my heart. I kneel beside her and held her bloody body tight in my arms.

I remember, my tears stoped falling. My heart stoped aching. And my mind stoped thinking. I stopped crying.

I didn't know weather it was real or not. I just held her and kept on calling her name tenderly. But she closed her eyes still. She didn't answer me. She just slept so deeply.

And here i am now. Waiting for her surgery done. I think i'm going crazy if i have to wait any longer. Ania. I'm gonna die if i should face a bitter reality like Nikkhun Hyung.

"Hyung.. drink it. You skiped your dinner and you forgot your lunch either. Please, drink it to support your body."

Jungshin give me a cup of hot choco milk. My dongsaengs accompanied me in the hospital soon after they heard the news. All of SNSD members are buried and shocked at Tiffany's funeral. Taeyeon still unconsious but her parrents and families are with her. But Seo Joohyun, she only have us. Her parrents is on their trip to Europe and will be on the first flight at 5.00 am from Paris.

"Gomawo, Jungshin ah." I drink the choco milk he brought. And slowly, my aching heart is back. It's hard to breath and my heartbeat run faster. I started to cry again. I cried even harder when Jungshin pulled my body into his arm. I damnly scared to loose her. I can't bear the pain if she have to leave me this way.

And then the surgery lamp get turn off. A few minutes latter, i see Seohyun's surgery team come from the room. I immediately stand up.

"Seo Joohyun... eottokhae, Seongsanim?" I weakly asked him. But.... he bow his head. Either with the rest of his team. I don't understand, what happen? I feel Jungshin's hand grab my arms as he ready to support me stand.

"Joseohamnida. We coulnd't save her. Hemorrhaging on her brain was quetly wide. We'd tried to stop the bleeding but her body couldn't survive any longer. I'm very sorry." Once again, i see the Doctor and his team bowed to me.

I stiff and the whole of my body feels like breezed.

My tears stop falling. My heart stop aching. My mind stop thinking. I'm stop crying.

She's gone.

Seo Joohyun has gone.

My angel has really gone.

I fall and crumble on the floor as i feel Jungshin catched my body and kneel down beside me. I see him cry. Minhyuk too. And Jonghyun cover his mouth like he's about to hold his sob. I looked at my dongsaengs one by one.

They are cry. Seo Joohyun is gone and they are cry.

But I laugh. I crazily laugh.... i laugh as won't be there tomorow. I think it's funny. How funny it is!

I just talked to her a few hours ago. I heard how she laugh. She said she love me. We had a promise to have a trip to Duomo Italy.

Geundae, igae mwoya? Is she really die? Don't joke with me! How can she die that easy? She told me that she love me, i swear i heard that! She missed me and we have a dinner tomorow. Yes.. she might be forgot that tomorrow is our 4th anniversary. So she can't die! FOR GOD SAKE SHE CAN'T!!!

"She can't die, Jungshin ah. Right? She must be kidding. She tease me, right? She just want to punished me, Jungshin ah. Yes. She must be take a revenge to punished me. She won't die! It's impossible!" I keep on shaking my head. But Jungshin cry even more. He hug me even tighter. Either with Minhyuk and Jonghyun.

This time, seeing my dongsaengs cry and hug me like this, and then i realise that everything is real. She's gone. She had gone...

*****

Rain...

I remember how she loved rain. When the first time we met, it was rainy. When we sealed our fake marriaged promise in front of the ocean, it was rainy. When the first time we moved to Sangdo-dong house, it was rainy. And also when i confessed my feeling at March 15, 2011.. it was rainy. And today, rain is falling to accompany her to her last place.

Hyun is means sky. And today, sky is crying to see her go. To see my angel go, forever.

"Seo Joohyun, my angel, my happiness, my love light, my life, my everything...

I never thought that i'll send you go like this...

I never thought that i've to face this world without you...

I never thought that i wouldn't see your sparkling eyes anymore...

I never thought that i coulnd't see your angelic smile anymore...

I never thought that the 'i love you'  i just heard 4 days ago was the last one that i got from you...

Mianhae, Joohyun ah...

Coz i never be a capable man to make you happy..

Mianhae, for this past 4 years i never worth it to be your man..

Mianhae, coz it has been late to tell the world that i love you... i love you so much... Hyun.... and now the world knew but you're no longer by my side...

Mianhae, Joohyun ah...

For wasting so much times and i wasn't enough to make you feel beloved.

Mianhae, saranga...."

I cry in front of a grave with 'Seo Joohyun our beloved daughter, wonderful best friend, and lovely fiance' wrote on it wall.

*****

"Oppa....."

I heard her voice. Pretty clear. Feels so real.

"Oppa...."

I heard her voice again. Clear and real. I miss her, and her voice just make me longin for her even more.

"Yak!!!! Jung Yonghwaaaaa!!!!! IRONAAAA!!!!"

Brug!!!

I guessed i just fell from my couch. Ough... mani appa.... i rub my nape and my arm.

But then.... eottokhae?

How can i?

I see her.

I really see her standing in front of me with her glare and she pouted cutely. The girl with white t-shirt and simple blue jeans just standing straight in front of me. That girl....

Is it real?

Am i already die?

"A.. are you real?" I asked her doubtfully. I can  feel my eyes, my head, my throat are really in pain. And she throw another glare to me followed with her purse flying to my chest.

"Mwo? Who's real? Me? Ough... jinja.. Jung Yonghwa Ssi.. you really tested me, huh? If i'm not real, then who do you think i am? A ghost? What's wrong with you, Oppa? You forgot to fetch me, you didn't answer your phone, i found you sleep soundly like a baby here while i desperately worried about you, and now.... you asked me am i real? Are you kidding me, Oppa?!"

She shouted me. Yes. She shouted me like she absolutely real. But then she paushed for a moment and looked at me concernedly.

"O.. Oppa... are you okay? What happen to you? Your eyes, your..."

I hurriedly pulled her to my arms. I locked her body with mine. I hold her tight and i don't freakin care if she can't breath because of it. I just want to hold her. Damn... i missed her! I thought i lost her. I kiss her face, her head her shoulder like we've been appart for so long.

"Thank you!" My voice begin to croaked. I didn't notice that i already sob. I know, she must be confuse. But i don't care.

"Gomawo, Hyuuun... gomawo! Thank you for coming back to me! Don't leave me again, honey! Please, i know i was wrong. Naega jalmotaeseo, Joohyun ah. I'll do anything for you from now on, just please... don't leave me. I don't want to live without you." I cry like a kid. I cry on her shoulder and ignored all the pride i had as a man.

She say nothing. I know she's confuse but then she hold me back and give me a light pat in my back tenderly as i keep soobing hardly.

"Don't leave me, Hyun! You won't have any idea how scary this world without you. I.. i feel like dying. I was scared. I was really scared." I can't stop crying and i cried even harder when she held me tighter and brushed my hair with her fingers.

"Sshh... gwaenchanna, Oppa. I'm here, now. I'm really here." She released her body from my arms. She cup my face and look in to my eyes deeply.

"Look... look at me, Oppa. It's me. It is Seo Joohyun. Your Hyun. I'm home, now. Do you believe it?" She smile at me and i... damn... i cry again.

"Oppa, i don't know what's going on with you. But... baby, i'm sorry if i woke you up like that. I just...."

"Mianhae, i forgot to fetch you coz i got migraine last night. I was about to slept for a few hours before i fetch you. But... mianhae, Hyun..."

"Gwaenchanna, Oppa. But... what's wrong? Why did you cry like this? You scared me."

I bow my head when i try to rewind those memories of my dream. I hold her hands tightly as i remember how painful it was.

"I dreamed about you, honey. In my dream you left me. You... you got a car accident and you died! I... i was scared, Joohyun ah. It felt so real, jinjjaaa..!" I can't stop crying. Jinja i swear i never cry in front of her. It's the first time. And it's been so long since i cried so hard like this.

"Jinjja? Aish... i thought you did something wrong to me." Seohyun wiped my tears. She caress my cheeks gently. I hold her hand and kiss it longingly.

"Don't ever leave me like that, Hyun. Jebbal..." My voice sound really throaty. I'm sure, i might been crying during my sleep.

"Aish.... geumanhae, Oppa. It was just a dream. You're awake now and i am alive. I always used my seatbelt anyway. Not like someone." She pinched my nose.

"That's it! You said that too in my dream and then you got....."

"........"

Suddenly her lips touched mine. I stiff for a moment before i pulled her body closser. I kiss her gently. I kiss her longingly. I kiss her like never before.

She break her kisses and lock my gazed lovely.

"I got it, Oppa! And then i got your kisses. Do you feel it? I'm real, Oppa. It's really me. It's okay. It's over now." She caress my head and brushed my messy hair with her fingers. I organize my breath and try to calm down. It's so hard to stopped my tears. I don't care. Let her know that i will be on everlasting sorrow if she's really gone.

"I love you, Hyun. I'm desperately in love with you. Eventhough it was just a dream, it still broke my heart terribly. It was really hurt to accepted the fact that you're no longer existed in this world. In my world. I can't, Hyun. I really can't." My voice sounded like a whisper and i feel like i'm about to cry again. She smile at me and once again she caress my face.

"I love you too, Oppa. Words are never enough to describe how much i love you. I will never leave you like that. I'm promise that i'll always be careful with my life. I'll taking good care of my body so i can spent a long.. long.. time with you. Although it was just a dream, but mianhae... for made you cry this bad. Ough... your pretty eyes become like a frog eyes. You must be really sad, honey! Then stop crying like this before i end up crying with you." She peck my lips once again.

"Of course i was sad, baby. I felt like i want to die with you. For God sake, Joohyun ah... i never cried like this since i was choding. Mostly i cried this bad just because of a dream. And it's the first time you see me like this, right? Now you know how much important you are in my life, Seo Joohyun and how misserable my life will be if something like that happen to you."

"I know, Oppa. So do you to me."

I hold her hands and rub it back tenderly. I thank God for bring her back. No.. i thank God for gave me that dream. At least after this painful dream, i realise that she's really mean the world to me.

"Seo Joohyun...." I stare at her eyes longingly.

"Narang gyeoro nae julhae?"

She gasped. It's true. It's really sincere from my deepest heart. I want to marry her. I'm ready now. I'm affraid that will be no tomorrow if i'm not make it today.

She remain silent. She look at me with her shocking face.

"O..oppa..."

"Just say yes, baby! I'm promise to treat you my best. I know, i can't give you the whole world but i'll try to make you happy as long as we stand on it. I know i'm still lacking here and there, as a man i'm not worth it enough to have you, but baby... i love you and i want to spent my whole life with you. This year i'll enter the military service with the boys. I know that you have to finish your jobs and contact with SM too. As soon as i finished my military service, i'll marry you." The tears start to fall on her white pearl cheeks. She bowed her head and i swear i'm worry that she'll say no.

"Honey, i know i should give you a proper and better proposing. I'm even not prepared a diamond ring like every mans did when they asked his woman to marry them. I'm so sorry.. if it's so sudden. I know it should be a beautiful and romantic thing... but... Baby, for now i just present you my heart. I let you owned it along with my body and my soul. I'll dedicated all the rest of my life to be your one and only man. My angel Seo Joohyun... would you marry me?" I kiss her hand gently. She looked at me with her teary yet sparkling eyes. And a smile just blossom in her beautiful face.

"Of course it gonna be yes, Oppa. How can i refuse to say that? I don't freaking care about the ring. And i couldn't imagining the more beautiful or romantic moment than this. I never felt so contented like this before. Gomawo, Oppa... gomawo!" She buried her self into my embraced. I hold her tight and kiss her head.

"I'm the one who should to thank to you, Hyun. Thank you, for being a miracle in my life. Thank you for ever married me once and now you decided to marry me once again. For real. My love is never fake, anyway. Saranghae, Hyun...."

"Na do saranghae, Yoong....."

End