I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted.

I can still see you. The places we would go and the things we would do together, I can still see you there. It's just like it was five years ago, you look the same as you did then, and I love you even more. Maybe it's my own selfish delusion, but I can't help it. I miss you so much sometimes it's hard to breath, but when I go back to the time when things were easier just because of your presence, it's like I'm alive again.

I thought about our last kiss, how it felt. The way you tasted.

How long has it been since I kissed you. How long has it been since I've pressed you against a wall and kissed you hard? I know if I asked you right now if you remember the way that felt, you would laugh. Please tell me you would. I miss your laugh, probably more than anything. Anything except for the way it felt when you kissed me back just as hard.

And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine,

I wish that I could ask you for myself how you are doing. The restrictions between us are killing me more each day, it feels so heavy. You're friends are my only connection to you, how did we get this way?

are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?

You left and took them with you. Are you still lonely without me? Do I make a significant difference in your life anymore, or are they enough for you? Do you miss me at all, Jae?

When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?

Do you remember when it started? The love notes, the letters, poems. It was soon after I met you, a letter just seemed much less confrontational and to the point than telling you to your face how absurdly beautiful you were. I was a mess. When you responded to my feelings, I was on top of the world.

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?

Where did our life go. We built a life together and now... it's in pieces before us. How did we let this go, this love we had between us. It was real and you, not anybody can tell me that it wasn't. How can I be second guessing every little word you ever said to me. Was I so caught up in a dream the whole time that our reality was beyond my own recognition?

If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

I see your smile every day. It's just as beautiful as ever, but my heart takes the hit in my chest, shriveling smaller and smaller every time that I see it. It's not for me, not anymore. You're okay, Jae. You are, aren't you? I am happy that you're smiling. But I don't think that smile will ever make me feel the same flutter stomach. Instead, all I feel is sick.

Cos I'm not fine at all.

You wouldn't like me sometimes, if you saw me these days. When I'm alone guaranteed for a night or two, I don't think I'm myself anymore. The grief of that magnitude, it eats you alive. You want to die, I wanted to die. But you keep living for the people that need you and that makes it even harder. So many people to please, but I just want to think about you.

I remember the day you told me you were leaving. I remember the makeup running down your face.

How can I forget when you tore yourself away from my arms. I can't bring myself to relive that day.

And the dreams you left behind, you didn't need them.

We were a family. Our dreams were synced and we were reaching them. We were soaring, collecting the fruits of our labor. So many years of hard work and dedication and you threw it away. We needed you. I needed you. But you had other dreams, of your own. We were just holding you back.

Like every single wish we ever made.

You and I, we had a lot of wishes. Secrets and plans. They were ours and we loved them. I told you how much I wished for one day to be able to show the world how we felt. I wonder if that scared you, but you never did show me your fears. I only came to know how you really felt when you left me.

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia,

Maybe it would be easier to just... forget. If I could forget you, everything about you and our lives, our struggles, our feelings and our love, would I be happy then? Could I erase all of precious memories together for peace? Lose hope for any future with you to calm my presently aching heart?

and forget about the stupid little things.

The little things about you were always the best parts. Like when you wore a sweater and pushed the sleeves up, one sleeve was always higher than the other. I could try to even them out, but it became something I recognized you for and I loved that about you.

Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you.

Your hair was always as soft and the strands would tickle my chin. I rested it on top of your head and you would nuzzle into my arms. It was warm and familiar. It was love, just by the way that we slept. To this day, I can't imagine anything that would make me happier than to fall asleep with you tucked safe in my arms again.

And the memories I never can escape.

I'm never going to forget you and everything we ever went through. Because we went through it together. You were always on my side, by my side. You were with me and that made every hardship worth the struggle. Our memories together become more and more distant as the days pass by, but they are engraved in my mind just like they happened yesterday. I can never forget you. I wish that you would come back to me. I'm tired of waiting, Jaejoong. You've been gone for long enough and... I just need you.

Cos I'm not fine at all.

If today I woke up with you right beside me,
like all of this was just some twisted dream,
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before.
And you'd never slip away.