Blue

To Daehyun, love had always been some kind of propaganda. It was a word meant to pretty up lust, the undivorceable need to make a living and the eternal investment loan that mutually benefited both parties. Daehyun thought the world stupid for falling into this trap it unknowingly conjured up for itself and glamorised a goal everyone was so obsessed with. This pursuit for a lifelong partner, someone who would be your safety net in case something happened to you, mutated into a disgust yearning for something unattainable. The world was bewitched by this false concept and made tons spend their lives seeking out the one only to find out his soulmate never truly existed. It was pathetic, how people pined and hoped like wishing on a shooting star. It was irrational, and Kim Himchan clearly demonstrated love's comedic prospects.

Perhaps, the reason why Daehyun toyed so long with Yongguk was because he wanted to know what exactly made Himchan so infatuated with Yongguk. Why was he so head over heels in 'love' with this man? There must be something Yongguk had that Himchan wanted, else he would not be so blindly dedicated to him. Daehyun was curious, and so he had taken Yongguk apart piece by piece. Analyse every individual fragment, hold it in the light to see if maybe there was something within those glass smithereens.

Was it Yongguk's body? The man was slender, yes, but it was not as though Himchan could not get someone else with as captivating of a built. Was it Yongguk's face? The man certainly was gorgeous, quite breathtaking, indeed, but Daehyun had seen much prettier faces in his life. Was it Yongguk's personality? The man had a peculiar vulnerability and innocence to him, and maybe, Himchan wanted to taint and ruin it just like Daehyun desired. But, as always, it was not as though Himchan couldn't find someone else to play the deer-in-headlights role.

Daehyun realised much too late that what he knew and saw of Yongguk was all there actually was to him. There was no underlying agenda Himchan had to claw out the treasure Yongguk discreetly possessed that Daehyun dug deep and hard for. Yongguk came from a poor family so he could barely afford to give Himchan anything; Yongguk was meek and shy so he could never protect Himchan; Yongguk bled poetry and music for a living so it wasn't as though he would advance very far in life in terms of his career. All Himchan wanted was for his first, possibly life long love to be happy.

Yongguk had always been transparent from the start, revealing every nook and cranny of himself to his first love, and yet Daehyun regarded the crystal figurine with cynicism. He smashed it into crumbs, searching through the mess of sparkles for a hidden gem, but he only understood what made Yongguk so beautiful and mesmerising when the damaged man was taken away. Under the light, the shattered sculpture Himchan cradled with endless wails shone with such a dazzling, blinding luminosity. And Daehyun wondered how his disgusting self could have looked at Yongguk all these years without his cruel eyes turning inside out.

It is quite laughable, really, for Daehyun to never have recognised Yongguk's value when he was whole, and only discern it now with the man all battered, bruised and broken. The biggest tragedy is that no matter how hard anyone attempts to piece Yongguk back together, there will inevitably be blatant cracks between his glued joints and plastered smiles.

And Daehyun was the cause of it all.

"I'm breaking up with you."

The woman opposite Daehyun arches a brow, barely a trace of hysteria in her dolled-up eyes. Her dark eyeshadow paints a menacing shade over her chiseled features, sharp angles and acute lines piercing through the atmosphere.

"I don't believe that is a good idea, Daehyun," she easily replies, condescendingly staring down at the blue flowers within Daehyun's grasp. Daehyun watches as the corner of her lips curl subtly, smirk carving wrinkles she would have to remove later with botox. Her face is cut precisely, so accurately it seems perfection is not out of her league.

Hyosung brings the rim of her cup to her lips, inaudible slurps complementing her poise and indestructible composure. Since a decade ago, Daehyun had been engaged to this girl who reflected the exact same look his parents had—no nonsense, all for business. Daehyun still remembers sitting with her at the porch while their parents' artificial laughs rebounded against the mansion walls. Hyosung had regarded him with minimum respect, stating not to get involved when she inherited her parents' shipment corporation. There was no stopping her in her ambitions, and that certainly did not exclude her for-show husband. Daehyun had swung his legs and plucked out a globe thistle between the blades of emerald grass. Don't you want to be anything else?

Hyosung's haughty laugh had burned itself into Daehyun's sinews as Daehyun watched, quite lost in the way her teeth smoulded imaginary cigars and her eyes diffused into cold-cutting corners.

"And I don't give a ," Daehyun spits, agitation showing as the table rocks back and forth. The coffee spills onto the white satin tablecloth, staining it a nasty brown. Hyosung languidly blinks, releasing a soft, amused sigh.

"I don't think you have a choice when it comes to this, no?" Hyosung chuckles, demeaning gaze drawing all entertainment from her clown of a fiancé. Her eyes veer to the bouquet sitting in Daehyun's lap, drawn out laughs inciting nips in Daehyun's skin. "And here I thought those were for me. Who is this... special someone?"

Her emphasis of the word 'special' rings patronisingly, tone like speaking to a mere child. "It's none of your bloody business," Daehyun swears, hands clenching into throbbing fists.

"But it is, my dear husband," Hyosung taunts, running a finger down her smooth jawline. "You do realise I will have to inform your parents about your sudden waywardness, hm?"

She bats her clumped eyelashes against her foundation, sighing. "I never thought you would be so idealistic, Daehyun. How disappointing." It is strange how they both regard one another with a sense of pity, skewered perspectives underscoring relativism in its greatest form. Hyosung believes impracticality is the ultimate downfall. Daehyun had been the same, viewing the mud as land for lucrative crops to grow, till Yongguk gently removed the suffocating hands over Daehyun's eyes and showed him the world had just as much place for dreams to sprout. 

"Isn't it sad?" Daehyun asks, inciting Hyosung's slow raise of the brows. He rises, releasing his fierce grip on his jeans and delicately grasping the stalks of flowers. "The way you're living," he provides. "All you do is just work to get more money." Hyosung stares at him for a prolonged moment before her face melts into pure amusement.

"Are you preaching to me about how I should live my life?" Hyosung incredulously clarifies, smile slicing up into her cheeks. She draws a circle into the table, watching Daehyun like viewing a mentally unstable freakshow on display. "You really have gone mad, Daehyun. Just look at yourself. Where did all your aspirations go?"

To a man named Bang Yongguk. Daehyun spares her one glance before turning on his heels, leaving the café. He slides into his jaguar, barrelling down the road towards the hospital. Gangnam bleeds out its cosmetic fillers into a serene neighbourhood as Daehyun's arms begin to tremble, his fingers exercising against the smooth leather steering wheel cover. It's always like this. Stopping at the traffic lights and contemplating hard, shifting to the inside lane to make a U-turn because what if Yongguk finds out today? What if he regains his memory and sees Daehyun as the monster he truly is? How would Daehyun be able to cope with the reveal of his identity?

The message from Youngjae is still clear in his mind.

Out for lunch at one.

Yongguk had a nightmare last night. I don't know if it was about you but he said he was drowning. Someone was pushing him underwater, but he didn't fight back. Be careful around him; don't barge into the room. I don't want you to trigger him.

Himchan is sure Yongguk dreamt of you. Says he'll kill you if he sees you. Now that Yongguk doesn't remember you, I'm not so sure he won't do as said.

Daehyun had taken a huge blow when he realised he didn't exist to Yongguk anymore, even though just a day before the accident, he had bitten into Yongguk's neck and marked him as his. He had been completely erased from Yongguk's life, as though he had never stepped into his life, as though he had never walked the man home after their late night dates, as though they had never been intimately involved. It was one thing to be abandoned by someone who Daehyun always believed he had infinite control over. But it was another to understand that Daehyun never actually had a presence in this godforsaken world, tugged like a sickly drawn puppet, and Yongguk was the only one who made him feel like he had something.

Daehyun was just a pathetic little Pinocchio spouting lies and begging to be a real boy. Yongguk cared and loved him unconditionally, and it took Yongguk being swallowed up by the ocean for Daehyun to grow an actual conscience. Feel the pain Yongguk bore whenever Daehyun gripped him by the collar and bellowed, hear the cries Yongguk wailed whenever Daehyun threw him against the corner and tore out his heart with slicing words, see the bruises Yongguk nursed whenever Daehyun punched him and told him he was nothing.

But for Daehyun to haunt Yongguk in his nightmares showed a whole new disgusting perspective on Daehyun's crimes. He chased Yongguk even in his subconsciousness; he had long manifested inside the man who could not evict the love of his life.

Daehyun gingerly trudges up the stairs, pespiration streaking down his neck as the anxiety clambers onto his back. Will Yongguk want to see him again? Will Yongguk welcome him with open arms like he always does? Will Yongguk look at him with those agony-infused eyes, melted with a tinge of love?

The door to Yongguk's ward is slightly ajar. Daehyun cautiously peeks through the gap, seeing a doctor and a nurse standing by Yongguk's side. Yongguk turns his head to meet Daehyun's eyes, but before Daehyun can jump away, Yongguk offers him a loving smile.

"My friend is there," Yongguk says, pointing to the man by the door. The doctor and nurse swivel around, nodding at the intruder. Daehyun hesitantly steps in when Yongguk gestures for him to, hiding the abundant bouquet behind his back. Friend?

"It is much safer to have someone accompany you, especially since you have suffered head injuries," the nurse states. Daehyun stands by the corner, observing the three in the room. Yongguk is particularly glowing today, the bright sunlight falling onto his face and illuminating his breathtaking eyes.

"I want to go out for a walk," Yongguk provides to a confused Daehyun, smiling at the end for good measure. Daehyun gulps and nods, unable to look Yongguk in the eyes for more than split moments. "Can you accompany me? Please? I'm sorry to be a bother," Yongguk says, twiddling his fingers. "Himchan, Youngjae and Jongup went out for lunch. They won't be back for a while since Youngjae dragged Himchan to a restaurant down in Dongdaemun."

"It's no trouble," Daehyun hastily says, averting his gaze once again when Yongguk brims with a cheery smile. "Yes! Thank you," Yongguk chimes, reaching out for the wheelchair. The nurse helps him into the contraption while Daehyun unsurely tries to help, retracting his hands in the end when he decides he would be more of a hindrance. As Yongguk settles into the wheelchair, the doctor briefs Daehyun that they can only go around the hospital's perimeter and if Yongguk experiences any signs of pain or lightheadedness, he must be taken back immediately into the ward.

When the hospital staff leave, Daehyun worriedly glances at Yongguk, the man excitedly swinging his free, uninjured leg. "...Are you sure you want to..." Daehyun starts, reciting the doctor's orders in his head in consternation.

Yongguk pouts, narrowing his eyes jokingly. "You sound like Himchan. Both like mums," Yongguk chuckles softly. The patient gazes out of the window and his voice drops to a dreamy whisper. "Please? I really want to see the sky. Everything is all boxed up in here. I can see where everything ends." Yongguk's beam melts into a sad, wistful look as he traces the circumference of the ceiling with his finger. Daehyun hurriedly nods, wanting to put the beautiful smile back in place.

"Here," Daehyun begins quietly, holding out the bouquet in his arms. Yongguk's irises light up, his angelic lips curving like ripples in a gentle stream. "Thank you," Yongguk whispers, admiring the delightful petals that cannot compare to his very own radiant face. "Delphiniums?"

Daehyun nods. "They mean infinite possibilities."

Yongguk nods, gazing up at Daehyun for a moment. "Is the meaning meant to be personal?"

Daehyun stares back. He wants to tell Yongguk that he got these delphiniums precisely because they mean that, because now that Daehyun is out of his life, Yongguk has a world of infinite possibilities waiting for him. He will find the right man for him, one able to treat him right, one who will shower him with all the affection he needs, one Yongguk will love with all his heart and forget not just mentally the demon named Jung Daehyun but emotionally as well. There had been so many things waiting for a beautiful man like Yongguk and he had given all of it up for some savage brute.

Daehyun keeps mum. Yongguk inhales lightly, gently tracing the petals and hugging the bouquet against his chest. "They are beautiful. Thank you so much." He perks up, smile such an ingrained part of him Daehyun wonders how brutal he had been to be able to rip it from Yongguk. "Shall we go?"

Daehyun nods. He begins to wheel Yongguk out of the room, Yongguk leaning back into the seat with the flowers in his grasp. They stroll down the hallway, white coats flittering past along with frantic leather shoes. They emerge from the white haven into the streets, the sound of bustling cars and incessant chatter b at their ears. A hint of bird chirps and light wind dab the afternoon, mild sunlight carressing Yongguk's skin. Yongguk lifts his head and admires the vast, unceasing expanse of light blue, the sun colouring the alluring hue brighter.

With the beauty looking far, far away in one direction and for sure, never back at the beast, Daehyun finally has the courage to admire Yongguk's profile. Part of Yongguk's hair is shaved for the doctors to operate on his head injury, his remaining bangs falling over his bandaged forehead. What a skewered version of Beauty and the Beast... A pitiful Belle who fell in love with a charming Prince who gifted her lavish gifts daily, and when he stripped himself of his facade to reveal a hideous beast, she continued to helplessly love him in the dungeon he trapped her in.

Why did you love me? Daehyun wishes to ask as they walk further down, circling the hospital's exterior. Just over the small patch of grass overlooks a picturesque park, flowers of all colours blooming from trees and the wide meadows. Why did you love me still, after all I did?

Daehyun doesn't think he will ever get an explanation. It was love; that was the only possible reason. It was the only thing that made people kill themselves when all the money in the world wouldn't get them to budge an inch, that made people endure eternal suffering for someone else's happiness, that made people not think twice before shooting so as to save their loved ones. Daehyun had thought love to be stupid, but little did he know, it was much, much more formidable than all the money he garnered deliriously to stand at the top.

"You know," Yongguk starts, humming lightly, "every time you give me flowers, it feels like..." Yongguk's words diminish into a soft laugh, shy and embarrassed in nature. "It feels like you're my lover."

The words punctures through Daehyun's chest with a tormeting, sadistic spinning knife. Rose thorns growing within him, piercing holes into jaundiced organs and brittle bones.

"It would be nice... to love someone like that," Yongguk confesses, voice bashful and timid. "To bring flowers every day."

Daehyun recalls the first week Yongguk and him had started dating. He had flooded their hotel bedroom with blood red roses and Yongguk had laughed in wonderment, laying in the bed of roses with disbelief all over his face. Daehyun crawled over him and kissed him so hard they sunk through the crimson petals onto the cold, hard floorboards, Yongguk whimpering against Daehyun's tough grasp.

"Sorry. I'm so sentimental," Yongguk chuckles. "Yesterday, I talked to you about love too. You must think I'm very desperate."

"No," Daehyun immediately rebounds, remorse jolting a wave up his throat. He swallows it back down and reminds himself he had asked for this punishment. "You aren't."

Yongguk titters, lightly grazing the delphinium's buds. "Everyone seems to be in love. I want to know what it feels like, but I'm scared to. I'm scared of getting hurt," Yongguk admits. The regret hits tenfold, doubling, tripling till Daehyun drowns in Yongguk's screams that haunt him in his nightmares, those he never cared about. His hand tightens on the wheelchair and he drops his head low, chewing hard on his lower lip. Yongguk had dreamed of being in a captivating romance like those in the novels he always read, and yet, Daehyun had given him just a taste of that before hurling him down into an inescapable hell of torture.

"About what I said to you... It felt like Himchan was hiding something from me, so I asked Youngjae," Yongguk remarks. "It seemed like I had a boyfriend before the incident; I was scared maybe he got hurt and they didn't want to tell me."

"Youngjae seemed really sad when I said that. He told me that there was someone, but he wasn't hurt. It was up to me whether I wanted to let him into my life." Yongguk clasps on his hospital gown, sighing softly. "I guess he chose not to come see me."

Daehyun holds back a shriek. He pummels it down back into his gut, because Yongguk missing his lover is much better than telling him his lover is a ing who doesn't deserve him for eternities to come.

"I haven't dated before. He must be my first love," Yongguk muses with a hum. He continues to speak, trying to fill the space between Daehyun and him to bridge some sort of forgiving connection. "It's... sad that I forgot someone I loved..." Yongguk tries to glance back at Daehyun and Daehyun quickly looks away, swallowing back the dagger scraping phlegm from his hoarse throat.

"Have you ever been in love?" Yongguk asks, tone light and curious. Daehyun stills, the motion of the wheelchair stopping abruptly. Before Yongguk can glance back in concern, Daehyun continues forth, demons let loose in his mind and releasing all delirium into his nerves.

"Yes," Daehyun whispers, eyes mapping the way Yongguk's jaw curves in and how they remind him of lush leaves ensconcing a enthralling wonderland. Yongguk hums in delight, almost as though excited for Daehyun. His obliviousness conjures anguish of the highest degree, stretching veins so far they snap one by one.

"Will you tell me your story?" Yongguk asks softly. Daehyun lets out a weak breath, pushing Yongguk down lampposts and ignorant passers-by.

"I met him a few years ago," Daehyun mumbles, piecing together Yongguk's beautiful physiogomy by the ivory walls. "It was at an art exhibition." His white dress falling to his thighs, that serene look etched into his eyes, the way he gently approached the artwork with such a whimsical expression...

"I asked him out." Jung Daehyun had been captivated right from the moment he met Bang Yongguk. He was a beautiful, beautiful prey and Daehyun's naturally predatory inclinations malevolently made Yongguk his target.

"He fell in love with me," Daehyun speaks, voice cracking as the light dabs an ethereal touch to Yongguk's pale, gaunt face. "He loved me. I didn't. After I had him, I didn't want him anymore."

"I used him. I beat him. I told him everyday he was nothing to me, but he came back again and again."

Yongguk visibly winces, as though the recollection is familiar and personal to him. Yongguk lowers his head, continuing to listen silently. "I was ungrateful. I never understood that I needed him more than he ever needed me." Daehyun bleeds blue over his choked, suppressed whimpers as he persists in his stroll, usual strict striding diminuendoed into hunched hobbling. "All he ever did for me was good. He showed me the beautiful side of life, and I just took him for granted."

"It was only when he left I realised I loved him." The remnants of winter dye the crevices in the pavements white, withered flowers reviving as the delicate spring breathes life into cherry blossoms and honey trees. Daehyun remembers his demented fingers raining down on Yongguk again and again, the way Yongguk had looked up with so much heartbreak and the boundless tears the ocean nobly begs to hemorrhage instead in place of Yongguk.

Daehyun's footsteps slow to a stop. He grips the handles so tight they leave marks on his rough palms and tears trickle voluminously from sore, ebony irises. Daehyun sobs, gruffly wiping at his eyes and digging his elbows into his pupils. He has been crying relentlessly for the past week, almost as compensation for the amount of times he has made Yongguk weep, but how can he ever make up for a thousand days of heartache?

"I'm so sorry..." Daehyun wheezes, crumbling into a pitiful, wailing mess of a man whose stature invoked fear in countless partners. He crouches, unable to hold himself up as the sobs wreck his entire body. He wants to beg, go down on his knees and plead for Yongguk to forgive him, but what's the use of it? The truth is that Daehyun has never seeked forgiveness from the man infinitely benevolent to offer it without asking, but hatred and contempt.

"I'm a monster, god, I'm so sorry..." Daehyun weeps, sobbing so hard strangers stop to glimpse at him. If they recognised him as Jung Daehyun, heir to the famed trading company that has expanded all the way to the other end of the earth, an empire every commoner so devastatingly wished to possess, what would they say?

A sudden movement ignites Daehyun's attention and he looks up to see Yongguk has just barely managed to hobble out of his wheelchair. Yongguk nearly stumbles but Daehyun catches him, hysteria igniting when he grasps Yongguk's familiar, sweet hands.

"I-" Daehyun darts his teary gaze from Yongguk's one eye to the other, the injured man cringing at the weight placed on his wounded foot. "You shouldn't squat; you haven't recovered yet-"

With just a soft smile, Yongguk silences Daehyun and appeases all the agony thrashing within him. Yongguk tenderly brings his hands up to Daehyun's face, dashing away the humiliating streaks of tears. His are compassionate and benign, his lips taming the sins threatening to break Daehyun in half. 

"Forgive yourself," Yongguk whispers, the words ringing so loud in Daehyun's head it seems like the world blends into lucidity and Yongguk remembers. He clearly doesn't, since his innocent eyes are devoid of the soullessness Daehyun gifted him, yet the words are so befitting of what Yongguk would say in the past.

Daehyun's face rests in Yongguk's grasp and the world stops for that moment. Yongguk's eyes crinkle and everything crashes around them, buildings demolishing and strangers vanishing without a trace. The apocalypse dawns but in Yongguk's weak, gentle hold, Daehyun feels safer than he has ever been in heavily guarded houses.

"There is always some madness in love," Yongguk breathes, Daehyun's face as Daehyun continues to grip Yongguk tightly in case the man collapses. Daehyun stares, and stares, and stares, and all he wants to do is press his lips to Yongguk's heart-shaped ones.

Yongguk flinches, the pain of being on his two feet convulsing through him. Daehyun anxiously helps Yongguk up, honestly unable to let go of the beautiful man. Yongguk offers him another smile and Daehyun hates himself so, so much more.

Daehyun carefully hoists Yongguk up into his arms, the gesture startling the patient. Daehyun heaves Yongguk against his chest, savouring the warmth from Yongguk's frail built. He leaves the wheelchair behind, silently walking ahead with Yongguk in his embrace. Yongguk simply looks up at Daehyun, unsure of what to say as they head back to the hospital.

Daehyun's tears drip onto Yongguk's light blue gown, the curves of Yongguk's body fitting abnormally well with Daehyun's study arms. Yongguk wordlessly allows Daehyun to break down as they walk through the corridors, bewildered staff sending them odd glances. Daehyun steps into Yongguk's ward, cautiously placing down the patient onto the bed.

Yongguk quietly looks at Daehyun, gaze gracious and kind. Daehyun roughly wipes his tears away, lips sealed. They have forgotten the flowers on the wheelchair, but that is the least of Daehyun's concerns right now.

Daehyun glances to the clock. It's almost time for Daehyun to leave; Himchan should be back any minute. Daehyun retreats, his phone vibrating in his pants. He makes no movement to answer the call, imprinting Yongguk's figure against the bed into his mind.

"Will you come again?" Yongguk asks softly, hope imbued into his brown irises. He breathes universes and starry galaxies into the air, blue nebula trailing like meteor dust.

"...I will," Daehyun croaks. Yongguk gifts him with a contented smile and a light wave as Daehyun reluctantly exits, a new flood of tears washing down his jawline. He takes out his phone, barely making out his father's name on the front. He cuts the call and disappears down the stairway, opening the text message from Youngjae.

Back in ten minutes. And stop sending me money. I'm doing this for Yongguk because he needs to know the truth. Some people don't live off money.

Haven't you learnt that from Yongguk?

A/N: Chapter inspired by this acoustic cover of Big Bang's Blue.