“Daehyun? Daehyun, wake up!” Fingers snapped in his face and Daehyun jolted to attention, blinking in irritation at his annoying friend, Himchan, beside him. He wasn’t asleep – he was just admiring the beauty that was sitting a few seats over.

Yoo Youngjae. To most, a name that they had heard and could vaguely put a face to. Above average grades, above average looks, but no athletic or academic prowess that would make him stand out from the rest. He wasn’t even considered popular, although he did have quite a wide ring of friends. Friendly, kind, a gamer of sorts – he fit in with every group, never staying with one, never associating with one particular clique. Like he had said, nobody special.

Except to Daehyun. To Daehyun, Youngjae was everything.

It had started in junior year. Not even a crush – just an admiration for the way that Youngjae smiled, how he refused to take sides in arguments, his easy going laid back attitude. He had blown it off as some sort of weird crush-fling sort of thing that he went through, liking one person and then another, flicking through them so quickly he couldn’t keep track of it himself. Things had changed, however, as time went on. Daehyun was a naturally clingy person and he touched everyone within arm’s reach: their hair, holding their hands, fussing with their clothing. Most of his friends allowed it, some didn’t like it at all. Youngjae was quite averse to physical affection and the way that the other boy shook him off or complained only encouraged the teasing of their other friends, egging him on to continue reaching for Youngjae’s hand. Daehyun didn’t protest, of course, because he liked it. Youngjae was warm and strong enough to hold his weight, while also soft enough for him to lie on. Every opportunity, he would reach out to comb through the blonde strands of hair, pull at his sleeves, hug him from behind as he did homework.

The crush had started the night that they had gone out, just the two of them, to see a science fiction movie that no one else wanted to watch. Truthfully, Daehyun was rather ambivalent, but he jumped at the chance to spend time alone with Youngjae, without the usual crowd around them. They had watched the movie, which was a little scary and a whole lot of boring, and then decided to walk around downtown for a place to eat. The night was cold and Daehyun had forgotten to bring an outer jacket, despite the fact that his mother had warned him. It didn’t matter, anyway, because Youngjae had thrown his jacket around Daehyun’s shoulders, zipping it up for him. Despite his protests, Youngjae refused to take it back, instead walking away until he had to scurry to catch up. When he did, Daehyun slipped his hand into Youngjae’s and the other allowed the contact to continue for four minutes (he counted) before pulling his fingers out.

                And Daehyun decided that his ideal partner would be someone like Youngjae.

Himchan was still talking, pointing to the graphs that the teacher had told them to jot down. It was all very confusing stuff, with lots of numbers and letters and other strange squiggly symbols, and Youngjae had allocated them far away from him so that at least he could get a good mark.

“Do you understand how she got the minimum maximum thing? I think my calculator hates me.” Daehyun didn’t understand it, not at all, but he made a few unhelpful remarks to divert Himchan’s attention from the fact that he had been admiring Youngjae’s side profile. The florescent lights, which normally turned their skin to a sickly kind of yellow, showcased the others recently blonde dyed hair, his pretty curved lips, his eyes rimmed with thick lashes. He wasn’t flawless, not by a long shot, but Daehyun couldn’t see anything that he would want to change, not even the smallest thing. Youngjae, in his opinion, was a perfect human.

As if the male felt his adoring gaze, Youngjae twisted around and looked at them, his eyes questioning and mouth slightly open. Daehyun’s expression immediately arranged itself into a smile, eyes crinkling up at the corners as he mimicked a gun with his right hand, raising it and pretending to fire a shot off into his head. The resulting snort of amusement was loud enough that the teacher heard, striding towards them and ordering them back to their books.

Their class was let out ten minutes later and they joined the stream of students walking through the hallways, Daehyun slowing down just enough so that he could walk side by side with Youngjae.

“Why were you staring at me during math?” The other asked, trying to juggle all his books and sheets and pencils in his hand. Daehyun took half of the load, listening to the thankful murmur while he tried to come up with a reasonable excuse.

“I was searching for the answers on the back of your head.” That got another laugh and he felt so proud of himself, being able to make the normally calm man chuckle, and he was just about to make another remark but there were feet running behind them and then a weight landing on his shoulders, dragging him down.

“Junhong! Get off!”

“Hyungs! I got an A on my physics test!” The piece of paper was vigorously shaken in their faces until Daehyun grabbed it, glancing at the score before passing it over. He had not taken physics and the numbers and strange symbols gave him a headache. Youngjae, on the other hand, was far more impressed.

“Wow, you got number 9 right. That was a difficult one. I remember when I did it last year. But there is an easier way to do it…” The rest of the conversation faded into the background as Daehyun instead focused on the way that Youngjae’s shoulder brushed with his as they walked.

They found the rest of their friends at their regular table in the cafeteria. Himchan was eating salad, piled so high with meat that it probably counteracted all the calories he might have lost from the leafy greens, Yongguk was bent over a few worksheets, his brow furrowed in concentration, and Jongup was chattering over the din of the other people.

Lunch was halfway through when Yongguk looked up from his work, blinking around in confusion as if he didn’t know where he was before focusing on Daehyun.

“Your friend is coming over this weekend, right?” He asked in his low timbre, twirling his pen between his fingers. Daehyun nodded. His childhood friend, Insoo, was coming up from Gyeonggi-do Suwon for a few days, and they had arranged to meet during that time. “You should invite him to hang out with us. Weren’t we going to have a movie marathon on Friday?”

They had, in fact, but he was a little hesitant about letting his long time friend meet his newer ones. Because Insoo lived so far away, Daehyun had been comfortable with spilling all his secrets – especially the ones about Youngjae. The teasing nature of his friend would guarantee jibes, allusions and a lot of significant looks.

“Um, yeah.” He mumbled, picking at his rice, “we shall see. He might be a little bit busy-“

Youngjae interrupted, nudging him in the ribs. “You’re sure you’re not just saying that because he has a lot of secrets and stories about you?” That was a large part of it, but Daehyun rolled his eyes and shoved the male.

“Maybe I don’t want him to see your ugly face and get scared!”

“Please,” the other shot back, “I’m flawless. You’re afraid he’ll fall at my feet and worship the ground I stand on.”

“Ha! You wish! You- you ugly poop!”

Their argument ended when Himchan slapped a hand over both of their mouths.

“SHUT THE UP!”

.   .   .

“So, what are your friends like? Is that blonde cutie gonna be there?” Insoo was sprawled out on his bed, playing with his kitten, Coco. His friend had arrived half an hour ago and immediately made himself at home while Daehyun attempted to clean his room and stop the nosy male from going through all his things.

“They’re weird. Just like you. And for the love of God please don’t call him that to his face.” Youngjae didn’t actually know that Daehyun referred to him like that in his head, nor the fact that he had shared a few of his pictures with Insoo, to illustrate his beauty. Throwing an armful of clothing into his closet, he pushed Insoo over and flopped down onto his mattress, burying his face into his pillow. “He’s so…so…perfect! It’s too bad he doesn’t like me back,” he sighed, “my heart is broken.”

The other found that incredibly funny and pushed at his shoulders, laughing loudly before transferring the cat from his stomach to Daehyun’s back. “Cheer up, Dae,” Insoo said, “he probably deserves way better than you.”

Everyone else arrived an hour later, in bits and spurts. Jongup and Junhong came together, both carrying chips and soft drinks, and then Yongguk, and then Himchan and Youngjae. They settled into the living room, around the large TV where movies were already laid out for them to choose from. Yongguk was advocating for war movies, Junhong agreeing to everything that the elder said, while Youngjae waved around the new Captain America movie and Himchan was attempting to shove his own choice, some old classic, into the DVD player. Jongup and Insoo were reclining, oblivious to the bickering going on and talking to each other.

“I’m going to go get drinks and some food,” Daehyun interrupted loudly, glaring at his friends, “don’t ruin my house while I’m gone.”

There are bags of chips and candies and other snacks that he had bought for the occasion and he stood in front of the pantry for a few minutes, deciding what would go down the best with his friends. In the end, he picked out a selection (where he was sure to include Youngjae’s favourite sweets) before returning back to the living room. Voices floated from down the hallway, and he slowed down to listen.

“So, Youngjae,” Insoo was saying, talking in that conspiratorial voice that always meant gossip, “so you’re the heartbreaker?”

“A hearbreaker?” Youngjae sounded confused, and rightfully so. “What are you talking about?”

If Daehyun had control of his feet, he would have run into the room, tackled Insoo, made him shut up. But he was frozen to the ground, straining to listen to the voices and confused murmurings.

“Wait, you don’t know?” Even Insoo sounded taken aback, as if the conversation had not gone as he had planned. “I mean, you know that Daehyun…you know…he…likes you.”

Another pause before Himchan’s voice broke in, confident and smooth. “Of course Daehyun likes Youngjae. They’re friends. Now, we need to decide on a movie. I nominate the war one.” The room descended back into squabbling and, a few seconds later, Himchan slid into the corridor.

“Daehyun,” Himchan murmured, stepping towards him, “did you hear that?”

“Yeah.” He replied quietly. “Thanks, for…you know.”

The elder regarded him briefly before clapping him on the shoulder, drawing him into a one armed hug. “Don’t worry about it,” and he had that look that reminded him of Himchan followed Yongguk around like a lost puppy, “things happen sometimes.”

Daehyun pulled away after receiving a few more pats on the back and walked in to join the rest of his friends. No one said anything – he wasn’t even sure if they knew that he was listening. Taking his usual seat beside Youngjae, he pulled his knees up to his chest and then turned towards Insoo, who had a terribly guilty look on his face and leaning towards him.

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” His friend whispered into his ear. At first, Daehyun contemplated being angry, but Insoo truly didn’t know and he had kind of opened himself up for it.

“It’s okay.” He whispered back before returning to Youngjae’s side, cuddling up a little to him.

On the screen, the opening titles played on.

.   .   .

“Daehyun! Glad you could come!” Himchan waved him enthusiastically inside, where the Christmas party was in full swing. Every year, Himchan and Yongguk held a grade wide party, each more extravagant than the next. Mostly it was Himchan’s idea (Daehyun knew that Yongguk had made an unsuccessful attempt to burn down the Christmas tree and the invitations) but it had proceeded without more than a few charred needles and a whole lot of screaming.

Inside, Christmas lights were strung from every available surface: taped to the ceiling, draped over furniture, filling crystal bowls. Some people, already a little tipsy, had wrapped themselves in the strands. He spotted Jongup dancing in the middle of the floor, Junhong not far from his side. Yongguk, no doubt, was hiding in one of the upstairs bedrooms, probably ready with a spray bottle of water and a bat to chase couples back downstairs.

Arms wrapped around his waist and Himchan leaned close to his ear, having to shout above the booming music, “I’ve hung mistletoe everywhere! Try not to get stuck under it with someone- or,” he winked them, although Daehyun couldn’t see it, “try to get a special person under it.”

Himchan was a gossip but he hadn’t told a single soul about the thing with Youngjae, from what he had gathered, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a teasing point for him. Every chance he got, the elder pointed out the flex of Youngjae’s muscles, the way he wrapped his lips around a bottle and sometimes, his observations got so dirty that Daehyun felt himself get hard under the desk.

“Yeah,” he replied, shaking the male off, “but knowing the people you’ve invited, I’ll end up getting herpes.” He received an admonishing smack on his for that but then Himchan was gone, playing the perfect role of a host and entertaining his guests.

There was alcohol, although everyone was more or less under aged, and Daehyun snagged himself an unopened cooler from an ice bucket before looking for Youngjae. Since the infamous intervention from Insoo, they had become closer; almost as if Youngjae had become more aware of their physical affection and allowed it, sometimes even invited it. Nothing too much, but just enough to make Daehyun giddy with joy when Youngjae singled him out to sit beside him, or waited for him at the end of class, or – once – wrapped his arm around his waist and hugged him tight. Daehyun didn’t know what really brought around the change but he enjoyed it nevertheless and harboured the secret wish that, maybe, Youngjae liked him back. It was a low probability – the other had had multiple girlfriends in the past – but the delusional part of him imagined what it would be like if, one day, Youngjae held his hand and didn’t let go. Nothing big. No kisses or extravagant displays of love, but just enough to solidify the idea that his affections were returned. He had already accepted the fact that Youngjae would not and possibly did not know of his feelings, and that was okay too. Just as long as he got to be around him.

Taking a sip from his cooler, Daehyun skirted the dance floor and escaped outside. Space heaters had been set up randomly, creating hot spots and then freezing spots, although he could see some places where Yongguk had intervened and there was an even spacing between the machines. The patio had also been decorated with Christmas lights and there were even a few of the deer shapes, propped up in the center of the grass haphazardly. Daehyun chuckled when he realized that some of them, on uneven ground, had their hooves dug into the ground and planted like strange trees.

“Daehyun.” A voice called for him and he turned around, smile pulling on his lips when he saw Youngjae walking towards him.

“Hey,” he greeted, stepping towards the male, “the party was too much for you too?”

It was colder where they were standing and he shivered a little, trying to wrap his arms around himself and still hold onto his cooler. Youngjae immediately removed his jacket and slung it over his shoulders. Immediately, Daehyun felt warm and it wasn’t only from the extra layer.

“You’ll get cold too.” He murmured, boldly wrapping his arms around the others body, under the excuse of sharing body heat. His friend didn’t move away and instead chuckled, raising a hand to ruffle his hair fondly.

“You always forget to bring warmer clothing. I know that you always forget, so I came out here to give it to you.” Daehyun rested his head on the males shoulder, feeling strong arms wrap around his torso carefully.

“Good thing I have you.” The alcohol, although not a main reason, gave him a looser tongue and he said things he would not have said regularly. Youngjae just laughed again, pulling at a strand of hair that always ended up in his face.

“Yeah, what would you do without me?” It was obviously meant as a joke but he considered it carefully before arriving to the conclusion that he, truthfully, wouldn’t be able to do much without Youngjae.

“I don’t know.” His voice was just above a whisper and when he tilted his head to look up at the other, his eyes lit upon a bunch of green leaves tied together by a red string. “Look. Mistletoe.”

Youngjae looked up as well before glancing at him, mouth curved up into a grin, “I guess we have to kiss now, huh?”

It seemed like fate and they were so close and Daehyun nodded, already leaning forward with his eyes shut. Their lips touched, for a split second, before he was being pushed away and Youngjae was stepping back, disgust showing clear on his face.

“I was joking, Daehyun.” Youngjae said, wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve, “I didn’t really expect you to try and kiss me.”

Disappointment flooded through Daehyun but he nodded, trying to crack a smile. “I-I know. I just wanted to see your reaction.” He laughed, even though to him it sounded forced.

“Was it true?” The other asked suddenly, turning to look him straight in the eyes. “What your friend said? About you liking me? Because I thought it was a joke or something, but…Dae…I mean you know I’m straight, right? I like girls.”

And now it wasn’t just disappointment, it was misery that cut through him and even though he already knew that and he had already braced himself for the inevitable outcome, he couldn’t help but feel rejected.

“I know,” He whispered, “I- we can still be friends though, right? I won’t try anything else on you. I won’t even touch you if you don’t want me to.”

A long, drawn out pause while Daehyun tried to fight down the silly tears that wanted to spill out. And finally, Youngjae spoke, “I’m sorry, Dae. We can still be friends. I just…” He seemed to give up on words and instead turned around, laying a hand on his shoulder before leaving.

When he had heard the sliding door shut, Daehyun finally let the hot tears roll down his face. Even with Youngjae’s jacket around his shoulders, he felt incredibly cold.

____

finished! this was supposed to be a bit angsty but only got to it at the end idk. anon, if you are reading this, i hope it was what you wanted and you enjoyed it! 

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