The moment when one respects herself.
A String of Solace
Please listen to this music if you want to:
Snowflakes.
Winter.
White Christmas.
A season of festivities.
Yet, for a festivity, she isn’t in a cheerful state. Winter… A white Christmas but it seems like the only white she can see is the coldness inside her heart. This year would be a year where she would celebrate Christmas alone. It sounds like a cliché love story but for the brown-haired girl covered in an excessively large scarf, it was her life.
“Ahhh! What was that for?” It was almost a knockout hit to the head, if only it wasn’t Dara that did that to him.
“What was that for, Jiyong? You just threw a snow ball on my back. I haven’t even said ‘go.’” Her gaze was as hard as steel. She gathered up the other belongings she dropped in that assault and placed them back in its proper place. Jiyong, in turn, walked to her and helped her pick the other things up properly. Jiyong smiled. He deemed Dara to be really cute but he’s not one to say. Dara frowned at him. She was not in a forgiving mood. The size of the snow ball clearly is no joke. Just as she was gathering the last set of pens on the cold patch of ice, Jiyong, all of a sudden, grabbed her waist and hugged the small of her back.
“I’m using body heat to cool it down noona, so please don’t be mad at me.” He craned his head forward and looked at her face sideways. She was looking away.
“Noona.”
Dara slowly turned her head, pink cheeks popping up. “Y-yes?”
He smirked. “Isn’t this a good idea?”
Dara didn’t know what to feel. She just tried to slow down her beating heart, hoping he won’t feel the loud palpitation it is doing to flip her to another universe.
Footprints. Back then, she used to see two pairs of feet imprinting the vast whiteness of the soft earth upon her but it seemed, just like how the seasons changed from Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter… The other pair of footprints have faded away. Not only is it some kind of footprint but it’s a kind of an embossed print that had already faded from the emptiness and coldness of her heart.
Hauling all the groceries in one hand, one could consider that she’s close to superhuman but her skinny-like features are for real. She grunted at every step. The footprints she made were like a foothold of permanent stamps in the white soils of one winter afternoon. “Twenty three more steps… Twenty three… Tw--“
One hand clamped over her right hand, gripping the plastic bag. That one hand took the plastic bag off of her fingers and carried it with him in ease. She looked sideways in surprise and saw the familiar auburn hair starting off to walk briskly at her side toward the array of houses in her quiet neighborhood.
A smile instantly graced her lips as warmth covered her heart in sudden bullets of love.
“Jiyong.”
Letting the cold air brush past her senses, she held her breath and closed her eyes. It’s not as trivial as her other problems but the mere shut eye can either make or break her. She was scared of what will happen, of what kind of thoughts her mind will eventually spill, of what memory will be brought back to life by her own imagination. Although she was really scared about it, she toughened up her resolve and basked in her underlying emotions, making them run freely as it enveloped her senses.
So warm. Like that of the warmth of the scarf that he gave her for her birthday. It was clearly an unexpected gift coming from him. Exchanging gifts in various occasions were usually a happening between them… An unforgettable moment; The sight of auburn hair, pointing at every direction, more precisely described as bed hair but not exactly, made her remember him even more.
Dara was shocked at the sight she saw inside her house. Spools, needles and all of those sewing materials were sprawled over the floor decorating the white tiles. She scratched her head as to what was happening until she reached the threshold of the living room and the kitchen. She saw a pink mat splayed on the floor and a foot sticking out.
“AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!” Her screams reverberated around the house like a huge gong echoing inside a monastery. Jiyong abruptly opened his eyes at the sound and sat upright, looking around to the cause of the commotion.
“J-Jiyong?” She quickly placed her hands on top of his forehead, worrying over if she got the flu or what.
“Oh, noona… You’re home.” His eyes were failing him, it kept closing. God knows what time he slept last night. He stood up with the help of the wall and walked over to the living room which was clearly a mess right now. Surveying the living room, he saw the paper bag that he was meant to give her.
Jiyong grabbed the bag and gave it to her quickly. “Happy birthday, noona,” he said as he stretched his arms. He walked over to the sofa and closed his eyes once again. Not longer than a minute, he’s already knocked out.
Dara, on the other hand, opened up the present and was utterly surprised because it was a scarf. But not just another scarf… It seemed homemade which explains the spools and the sewing materials. Dara did try asking about it to him on a different day but then Jiyong just smiles and changes the topic every single time.
An addictive smile appeared as it slashed its way through her senses and has clearly emanated her own desire to reach out and to touch. But then, as good memories cover the surface, nightmares that she wanted to be kept out of the way also resurfaced…
“I love her.”
“Who?”
“Kiko.”
“Oh.” Was all that Dara could say.
Something broke. Dara felt it. Not only her heart but this friendship of theirs is already on the rocks ever since he came back from Japan. Jiyong seemed a bit off compared to before and ever since he came backand he suddenly changed. It may not be something visible for other people but it was something she observed firsthand..
“Confess to her. The feeling might be mutual.” She smiled, even if her mind is drawing big bold X’s in her head. But what can she do, he has already said that he loves her.
She gulped down the lump in and looked down to the floor. Dara can feel Jiyong’s strong stare but she didn’t say anything.
Silent cries usually are better kept hidden.
“You really think so?” Jiyong added, as if waiting for another answer. Dara schooled her features and replaced it with her usual bright aura.
“Yeah, it’s worth a try.” Jiyong smiled but then… Jiyong won’t know what Dara truly feels.
That conversation. Her intense feelings are recklessly knocking on her doorstep; as if the fire cannot be doused off, settling in its entirety inside her chest, inside her heart. It kept burning her, eating her soul and spitting it off at the white pools of the snow canvas before her, of where her heart used to be. Suddenly, a flash of emotion poured out of nowhere and shook her heart and mind. A quiet flash of tears soon followed.
One bead, two beads… Three and four… Tears falling down incessantly and unceasingly down her cheeks as she fought the urge to moan in pain. She covered to stop her cry. Her face was wrinkled in stress and tiredness. Her beautiful face mired with unkempt hurt. Enormous strong emotions that were lying deep in her depths suddenly unfurled their hatred on her as if appearing to attack every part of her being.
They always say that no matter how beautiful a place is, if the heart is hell… Then it would hell. It is hell.
“Dara…”
“Stop drinking.” She swiped the bottle off of his hand and placed it where it is hard to reach. “Let’s go home. Please.” Dara pleaded but Jiyong wasn’t having any of it. Jiyong produced a string of curses out of his mouth which wasn’t silent enough since it reached Dara’s ears.
“Stop butting into my business. Go home, if you like.” His eyes were red from crying and the expression on his face was undefined. The black pools of his eyes that were once so lively have been replaced with a dull spark. Something might have happened with his relationship with that Japanese model.
“Jiyong, please…” She held his hand and stood up. She dragged it with her and looked at him. Her features were hard. She breaks when she sees him with another girl but she is also breaks when she sees him like this. Jiyong, a little tipsy, untangled his hand from Dara and stood up also, towering over her.
“Why are you even here? Did I call you here? You went here out of your own accord and you’re asking me to go home? Why don’t you mind your own business?” Jiyong clicked his tongue. His anger is starting to increase. Alcohol is starting to kick in.
Dara looked at him, masking the hurt that is attempting to show in her features. “I’m worried about you… Please stop doing this to yourself…”
“Stop doing what? You’re always meddling with my affairs. I don’t even try to put you off anymore or block you because I’m too tired. I’ll say it nicely but you’ll brush it off as if nothing happened… I’ll say it a bit harshly but you get hurt. Just what is wrong with you?” Jiyong sighed heavily while crossing his arms.
“Am I not allowed to worry about you anymore?”
Dara tried her best to control her voice from breaking. Tears are slowly forming behind her eyes.
“I don’t need it. Just mind your own business.”
“Okay…” Dara, then, looked at Jiyong eye to eye. “From now on, I will. From now on, I won’t worry about your health. From now on, I won’t worry about how you are. I am so worried for your wellbeing that I even forget how I am and how foolish I am.” She breathed another big sigh, controlling the tears that are about to spill. “I can’t control how I love you. I can’t control it. It just continues to spill… But since you’ve already said all these things, maybe we should already end this…”
No matter how she wanted to control the tears, her tears slowly dropped one by one, miring her beautiful face. She tried wiping off her tears using her hands but the tears are continuously falling down, unceasing.
“I feel like I’m bursting. I’m hurt when you’re with her but I’m more hurt when you do this to yourself. It hurts my heart so much…”
Jiyong froze from his spot. He didn’t expect this. He didn’t expect any kind of confession. The sight of her face crying woke him up.
Dara heaved and released all the pent up feelings. She cried so hard as if her heart will fall off from its proper place. “I just love you so much…”
Jiyong held her arm tightly and looked at her. His own storms attacking his insides with the sight of her tears and her evident hurt of this whole ordeal.
He didn’t know.
“But since I’m already meddling with your affairs, then let’s just end this one.” Dara looked down and tried her best to compose herself. The grip where Jiyong held grew tight. “Consider that this didn’t happen and I will promise you that you won’t see me again…” Dara slowly stepped back from him, pulling her arm from Jiyong’s grip.
She looked at him even in just this one last time memorizing the outline of his face, the auburn color of his hair, his expressive eyes, the arch of his nose and the growing stubbles under his chin.
I won’t forget you.
Dara smiled despite her tear-stricken face. “Thank you for everything, Jiyong-ah.” She patted his arm and turned around just when he held her wrist so tightly as he pulled her to him.
“Dara…”
“Dara.”
Shocked, she quickly opened her eyes and looked around. She swore she heard his voice. Moving forward as she surveyed the surroundings, her feet caught up in heaps of snow halting her every movement, halting her foolishness.
She missed him so much. She still believes he’s the only one who can melt this winter inside her.
“Stupid…”
No more, Dara. Let’s stop it. Please. No more.
Once more, she looked at the surroundings again. Although it’s snowing very hard now, the sight of the visible Christmas lights hanging from the pine trees and various houses along this street as it is being uncovered from afar gave her a sense of peace, a sense of solace, where the memory of the “has beens” took place.
Only those lights and these leafless, skeletal-like trees are a witness of all of those memories.
Smiling, not knowing if it’s either bitter or better, she slowly pulled one foot out of the snow and decided to walk her own path along the thick sheets of ice.
Let’s end this one-sided love once and for all.
A shout inside her mind reverberated within her whole being, hoping to wake her reasonable side. She promised herself that she won’t close her eyes ever again.
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