Yifan can’t help but mentally stomp his feet like a petulant schoolgirl that has been denied of her teenage rights, just as Yifan is being denied of his right now. The scowl on his face is directed to none other than his half fifty—and currently completely-irrational publisher Kim Minseok. While the scowl often scares more than half of the staff that works in the building, it has little to no effect at all on the forming crescents of Minseok’s eyes. 

 

Minseok has just assigned him under Chanyeol who will be working as his ‘editor’ for the next three weeks. Minseok even does Yifan the unwanted favour of pointing out their similarities and laughing at the way their heights remind him of the twin towers he had visited once as a kid.

 

“Give the poor guy a break, he’s honestly really not that bad and he might even loosen you up a bit.” Minseok clears his throat, almost forcefully if Yifan might so kindly add. To Minseok’s great luck, Yifan is too focused on the image of mentally flinging himself off a bridge to retaliate with a snarky comment.

 

"And I’m sorry that the inevitable fate has it written down that you’re an aspiring writer that’s reserved in more ways than one. If you’re going to help skyrocket our fundings to the furthest end of the galaxy with your Romeo and Juliet tragic love story, you’re going to need his help,” Minseok continues.

 

Yifan successfully chokes on his own saliva and shoots Minseok yet another death glare. It’s been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul.

 

He aggressively hopes that Minseok can see that his soul is in the form of a fire raging breathing dragon.

 

“Don’t be afraid of him, he doesn’t bite. I’ve known him since I was like 5 and I can honestly say that biting is not his thing.” A slight pat on the back and in half a heartbeat, Minseok’s out the door. 

 

Yifan concludes right then and there from the way that Minseok talks about Chanyeol that they probably spent half of their childhood life ruling out all the written errors in each other’s love poems.

 

He isn’t scared of Chanyeol.

 

What fears him is the way his legs tremble and his heart clenches at the mere sight of his assigned editor, 6 feet tall in all his shining glory, sticking out like yellow paint on a black chalkboard. 

 

He sighs for a good 10 seconds before storming out of Minseok’s office. 

 

____

 

The only thing that Yifan can think about after having his editor’s face all up in his own at 8 in the morning is that he should be the new face of horror. 

 

“Have no fear, your dearest editor is here!!!” Chanyeol singsongs, attractive features and bright white teeth so dangerously close it threatens to blind Yifan’s eyes. Yifan can’t help but think that his voice sounds a lot like one of the perfectly nurtured tunes that Kyungsoo belts out on quiet Friday nights.

 

Like honey on a child’s hand, they cling onto whatever’s left of Yifan’s sanity. 

 

Yifan frowns at whatever understanding Chanyeol has of a good morning wish and sidesteps just as Chanyeol steps forward. When Chanyeol gets intense about getting into his personal space, Yifan puts up a hand in between them because woah easy there tiger.

 

Though Yifan is not so sure if it's supposed to be more of a safety measure for Chanyeol than it is for himself. 

 

"Oh I like this hate love relationship thing we already have going on here, anyways Minseok tells me I’m in charge of love guru duty. At your service sir.” Amusement is evidently splayed across his beautiful face as he directs a wink? blink? (he’s not really sure) in Yifan’s direction

 

“Minseok says I’m way too reserved for my own good so there’s that and what—love guru?” 

 

Chanyeol shoots him a curt nod in response before continuing. “Aging does that to people, slaps them with the cold truth of reality and makes them insensitive, so really no offence on his behalf. I am going to be teaching you all about love for the next month, so get comfortable because it means that you and I are going to have to become one.” And then Chanyeol is happily skipping away, putting a good measure of distance from the growing beats of Yifan’s heart. 

 

Yifan can only groan inwardly at his misfortune.

___

 

It’s half past midnight when he regrets having made the phone call to tell Kyungsoo that he won’t be coming down to the bar tonight to watch him sing. Having Kyungsoo’s oblivious lover boy, Kim Jongin, as his company for the night is much better than being left alone with only his sketches of sad sheep in party hats to watch him suffer in misery. 

 

Yifan is just about to finish up another sheep with his funky party hat when his phone rings from the back of his pocket. It’s an unknown number so he really doesn’t bother with being friendly, answering with a rough yes when he finally answers the call. 

 

“Why so serious? I can see that the lights are on from your office. You need a break, meet me downstairs, I'm getting you coffee.”

 

Yifan walks over to look out the window and catches Chanyeol looking right back up at him, bundled up in a fluffy green coat.

 

Yifan thinks he looks like a puppy being put up for adoption or in other words  cute!! cute!! cute!! cute!!

___

 

Chanyeol had insisted on walking to the coffee shop to 'get it on' with Yifan but it’s only when they’re a block away from the office that Chanyeol breaks the ice between them. 

 

“I’ve always loved the smell of winter and the way my fingers get so numb it feels as if i don’t have any,” Chanyeol exclaims as he wiggles them playfully in front of Yifan’s face and hums into the winter air. 

 

It’s heartwarming to see the glint in Chanyeol’s eyes, almost as if they hold the light of a thousand fireflies. The urge to bottle it up and keep it for the rest of eternity is so strong Yifan has to force himself to look away. 

 

“How did you know I’d still be in the office?” Yifan speaks up after awhile, translucent white clouds in view before they disappear completely.

 

“Well I kind of just figured you’d be, I’ve seen you stay up countless times before. You seemed really stressed out so I figured a drink wouldn't hurt much. Though I’m not playing love guru just yet, I’m just Chanyeol for the night.”

 

"So tell me about yourself, Just Chanyeol. What’s under all that?” Yifan subtly gestures to Chanyeol’s form.

 

“If you’re expecting some kind of 6 pack abs then I’m sorry to disappoint, it's just skin and bones but other than that I’ve been told I’m second to none at breeding enthusiasm and I guess that’s kind of true. I’m also excited to be working with you, Minseok’s told me quite a whole lot about you."

 

Yifan doesn’t realize it but he has his eyebrows furrowed and a deep chuckle resounds from beside him.

 

“You’re going to get your eyebrows all knotted up if you keep on doing that and it does things to me so you’ve got to stop.” Chanyeol’s breath is hot against yifan’s face when he lets out a light laugh. “Anyways, writing shouldn’t be stressful. It’s a way for you to express yourself and helps keep you in touch with your human emotions, which works in making you more you but at the same time less you.” 

 

“Didn’t even realise I was doing it–why do you say that?”

 

“Well, a writer isn’t just a writer. They’re a bunch of different people all at once. A writer has to take up the role of their character to understand and portray them perfectly don’t you think? Who and what are you thinking of taking up for your next novel?”

 

A smile fits itself perfectly onto Yifan’s face at this, excited at the thought of finally filling in the spaces between the roughly built plot.

 

“Well with what i have planned out so far, I’m going to be both a singer named D.O and a dancer named Kai.”

 

Yifan also notices the way Chanyeol’s cheeks are tinted with a rosy pink from being out in the cold so long when he returns Yifan's smile with his own a few seconds later. He thinks this season was made just for Chanyeol, the whites of winter agree well with his beauty.  

 

They spend the next few minutes walking in silence and reveling in each other’s presence.

 

As thankful as he is to be walking with Chanyeol together in the dark because it would be absolutely dangerous to be walking alone in the dark right he could get killed or something, he’s even more thankful for the warmth that saves him from freezing his off when they finally step into a quiet coffee shop, the smell of freshly brewed coffee lingering in the air. 

 

__

 

It's a time somewhere in between catching up and laughing at lame jokes that Chanyeol dares Yifan to race him back to the office, to which Yifan agrees with a smirk playing on his lips. 

 

Words of empty threats and warning are directed at each other and soon they’re both running head on against the cold wind, hot coffee and bags of chinese take out teetering dangerously in hand with Chanyeol in the lead.

 

The rest of the night is a blur of whispered laughter and rustling of feet until they manage to settle down in front of Yifan's laptop, Augustus Waters on screen and laughing quietly under warm blankets. 

 

They’re halfway through watching Love Actually when Chanyeol feels Yifan go slack against his shoulder, eyelids heavy and unending complaints–about how the movie should go–coming to a state of peaceful serenity. One look at Yifan and Chanyeol can feel his pulse pick up speed at the overwhelming feeling that comes from being so close. 

 

It is with wary fingers and a heavy heart that Chanyeol finally moves his shoulder away and sets Yifan’s head down on the floor along with Yifan’s winter coat.

 

He shuts the laptop down and quietly cleans up the mess that they have made, only stopping to steal a glance every now and then at Yifan’s sleeping form.

 

The night is quiet again and the loud strike of an arrow to his heart is hard to miss but Chanyeol has learnt to deafen himself from the all too familiar sound.

 

One last glance and he's out the door, making a mental note to text Yifan the next morning. 

 

___

 

It’s two days later when the sun peeks out from behind the clouds that Chanyeol drags them out to stand in the middle of a park, listening intently to the way the leaves sings when the wind blows and travels in between the empty spaces.  

 

Silence is all there is left between them when the breeze finally stops blowing

 

Awkward silence.

 

And then a sigh.

 

“We are here to get an understanding of what love is all about. Something like that. More or less,” Chanyeol deadpans

 

“This is ridiculous. What does this have–zodhowit,” Yifan is abruptly silenced by a delicate finger that lands just right above his lips, soft and welcoming.

 

Yifan has to continuously blink for good measure when he accidentally catches the way Chanyeol’s eyes are directed onto his lips the first second he looks ahead. However, the warmth on his lips disappears just as soon as it had come when Chanyeol turns to look up again and Yifan has to shove down the whine that sits on the tip of his tongue.

 

In the back of his head, Yifan says a quick and silent prayer. I would like to thank not only my parents but also Jesus for this sense of abstinence. Amen.

 

“Don’t interrupt when your teacher is speaking, it’s not cute.” There’s a flurry of movement before a hand lands on Yifan's right shoulder. "As you can see, I’m not so into this either.” And then the other on Yifan's other shoulder. "It’s all Minseok’s idea. So we’re going to go after his right after we do this, don’t worry my child. Justice will be brought to light.” An attempted foutte until Chanyeol has his back to Yifan

 

Yifan wonders why Chanyeol has to be so theatrical sometimes and as interesting as it is to watch him, they’re attracting attention from the morning joggers. So Yifan grabs him and pulls him back before he gets the chance to swing another full circle around a nearby tree trunk. 

 

"You’re going to go around and ask people what love is to them and then we’re off to run after Minseok!!”

 

As soon as Chanyeol finishes, he claps his hands together to signal the start of yet another misfortune. 

 

___

 

Various answers are thrown around at the question; What is love?

 

Yifan arranges them into three different classes: worrying, slightly irrelevant, and then those which manage to get a tight grip on Yifan’s heart.

 

“Love is the way Sehun oppa breathes and blinks!!!!!!!!!” definitely worrying

 

“Love, according to the oxford dictionary, is a strong feeling of affection.” slightly irrelevant

 

“Love is not a reward or a prize, it’s a purpose.” grip 

 

“Love is to sacrifice for a greater love which is then to be sacrificed for another greater love and it just goes on. You can never get enough.” grip 

 

“Love is to hurt, without hurt you can’t love and without love you can’t hurt. They contrast against each other and work in a way that reflects the differences in each.”  griiiiiiip

 

___

 

Their vendetta against Minseok long forgotten, Yifan and Chanyeol are walking down the streets again with only the changes in their shadows from the occasional flash of a car's headlight and street lamps as a source of entertainment.

 

The cold air serves to freeze Chanyeol’s fingers again so he stuffs it in his pocket and continues listening to Yifan’s whispering voice. 

 

“There are a thousand books regarding love, how come it’s so hard for you to figure one out?” Chanyeol sincerely questions because he’s read whatever Yifan has managed to write out so far and it seems to fit the criteria of a horror novel more than it does a romance novel. 

 

“I don’t know. I’ve never really had the chance to actually fall in love or be loved ever since I was a kid. I’m all imagination when it comes to writing about love. I guess part of it is because Dad was always busy with his company and Mum was rarely ever home.” 

 

Chanyeol would have missed the quiet chuckle that followed right after if he hadn’t been listening so hard.

 

They’re walking mindlessly in Seoul with no destination in mind, the moon a dim light across the starless sky. Alarms go off in his head and the whole animal kingdom comes out to play at the sight of Yifan’s illuminated face, though he quickly recovers when Yifan finally continues. 

 

“I remember waiting up for him back when I was a kid, counting the hours that passed by and all 120 steps of the stairs in our all too huge house. He never came and I never stopped, that is until Mum told me that people like us don’t exactly hope for heartwarming family reunions and welcome home hugs.” 

 

Yifan has never really bothered about his past, had always focused on the present and future. His childhood a story left untold until tonight, about a boy who made empty wishes on fallen stars just so that they wouldn’t die alone. 

 

"Eventually I pushed everyone away and grew up thinking I was incapable of love, that I always break whatever I touch or what I get lucky enough hold but none of it really matters anymore."

 

Chanyeol almost wants to grab at the words that hang mid-air before they evaporate like they were never spoken to begin with. Chanyeol wants to remember them all and then tell him that no, they do matter, should have mattered and are probably all that will ever matter. 

 

He would have laughed if he had thought about this later in a more calm manner but Chanyeol thinks he wants to melt the ice in his heart, to stop it from freezing further in the cold so he quickly pulls them into a bookstore where it’s warm and not harsh–harsh like how it's always been for Yifan.

 

And maybe it’s the adrenaline, or the alarms in his head. He doesn’t know anymore. But Chanyeol slips his fingers in between Yifan’s and instinctively leans in to seal their lips together with a quiet promise.

 

You’re safe, you’re warm now. 

 

And then there’s a weight in Chanyeol's chest, a feeling as if he’s putting the two puzzle pieces that fit together but the picture puzzle isn’t complete, that there’s no big picture to look at.

 

It’s an organised mess on Yifan’s end when they finally break apart, Yifan has Chanyeol’s scent suffusing silently into his blood and his name tucked underneath the cracks and folds of his heart in the midst of it all.

 

it doesn’t take long until Yifan is dizzy and confused from the sudden lack of air but he thinks that no, it’s not supposed to be this way, so he forces his fingers out of Chanyeol’s hold and walks out before Chanyeol can say or do anything to make him stay. 

 

Yifan gives him no time to gather up all of the broken pieces of his heart because he’s out the door in record time and Chanyeol wants to run after him, needs to run after him but even when Yifan is no longer in sight and the air continues to crackle in his ears, Chanyeol is still standing there, struggling to hold all of the broken pieces in his arms. 

 

___

 

Yifan is back in the office again, heart thumping uncontrollably against his chest and all he can taste is saltiness on his tongue, in the back of his throat, on the tip of his fingers. 

 

He needs to write, he needs to get it all out, he needs to forget the taste on his tongue, in the back of his throat, on the tip of his fingers, needs to smudge them with ink to get rid of the taste. No, no they’re supposed to be bitter they're meant to be bitter.

 

So he does. He grabs onto whatever stack of papers he can find and uncaps the pen that’s been left on the table the night before. His sweaty palms make it harder than it should be and it angers him to be so sloppy and not in control but he manages eventually, he always manages. 

 

Yifan takes in a deep breath and with a shaky flick of the wrist, he rips his emotions raw and lets his fingers work magic throughout the night.

 

___

 

“I don’t like you.” Chanyeol hisses just as Minseok welcomes him in.

 

Minseok is bewildered at the sudden attack of feistiness but he softens when he sees the way Chanyeol drags his feet behind him and the way his shoulders are slumped as if the mountains on his shoulders are finally taking a toll on him. 

 

Chanyeol never drags his feet and well, those mountains, Minseok knows unrequited love wounds are never easy to bear.

 

“What happened?” Minseok mutters when Chanyeol huffs under his breath.

 

Chanyeol wants to scratch at his face when he thinks about the night again, about how differently things could have gone. It could have been a night spent running careful hands along book spines and reading aloud from random picked pages, laughing when they come across a book title typed out using microsoft word fonts and Chanyeol would crack a joke or two just to make Yifan laugh because god was there anything else in the world that could compare to Yifan’s happiness? 

 

If only it hadn’t been for his stupid hand-holding with a side bonus kiss stunt, then maybe, just maybe Yifan would have stayed longer. 

 

“I scared him off hyung, just like I always do.”

 

A worked up Chanyeol only surfaces once in a blue moon and it just so happens to be that Minseok has never been there to deal with any of it. 

 

Minseok is in distress so all he manages to do is flail around like a fish out of water because what is he supposed to do?? blow him?? with air?? 

 

“He’s in his office if you need to see him?? but just hang in there okay?” blow blow blow

 

They rarely ever engage in physical contact but Minseok really couldn’t care less right now, his ever so cheerful bff is upset and Minseok is genuinely worried. He’s hesitant but he widens his arms and signals Chanyeol to come over, tugging him closer when Chanyeol settles quietly in Minseok’s outstretched arms.

 

Chanyeol thinks it’s awkward but he’s grateful nonetheless for the effort so he excuses himself before Minseok can try to ease him further with his not-so-encouraging words. 

 

___

 

Feeling drained from all the what ifs that floats in his head, Chanyeol flops down onto his chair and trails his fingers mindlessly over the worktable before they come across a stack of papers with a blue post-it note stuck to the front. 

 

Eyes now wide with curiosity and fingers hastily reaching for the note, chanyeol reads every word carefully. 

 

these pages are important, will you please read them for me? 

 

21, 83, 152, 290 and 300

 

____

 

dedication

 

“for Park Chanyeol. Just like Jongin, I’ve learnt to dance again.” 

 

oh. well, . Chanyeol thinks.

 

his heartbeat is a sprinter taking his place on the block, palms sweaty with anticipation and adrenaline running through and through. If this is what Yifan wants, then Chanyeol will run with him. 

 

_____

 

page 21

 

Kyungsoo taints Jongin’s past winter memories of loneliness with cheerful snow fights and brightly lit eyes. Jongin isn’t surprised to find that he doesn’t mind it one bit.

 

He’s left breathless and gasping for air one winter night just from watching Kyungsoo’s eyes as they reflect on the falling snowflakes that lands on Jongin’s boots, hands swinging back and forth mindlessly despite the biting cold. Jongin thinks thats the best memory he has of him so far. 

 

on your mark

______

 

page 83

 

They’re 'getting to know each other’ in the studio, where Jongin usually dares to dream aloud. Just not today, he’s too caught up in the reality of his problems to even form coherent words. 

 

Jongin is pretty sure none of it is intentional or in any way directed at him, but Kyungsoo bruises him in all the right places when he voices out question #18 of the night, loud and clear.

 

“What is love to you?”

 

Kyungsoo lets it go when Jongin finally tells him that he’ll ‘pass’

 

get set 

___

 

page 152

 

“Kyungsoo is kind, loving and patient when Jongin doesn’t love himself right. 

 

This, Jongin learns when Kyungsoo witnesses Jongin’s limbs freeze into place under the weight of every passing second wasted waiting for comforting arms that never comes. Jongin slumps against one of the mirrors and Kyungsoo thinks none of it won’t do.

 

One, two, three long strides is all it takes to enclose the distance between them before Kyungsoo holds out a hand. Jongin only gives Kyungsoo a slight shake of the head and looks away. Kyungsoo urges, coaxes Jongin with pleading eyes that says, ‘dance with me’ 

 

And it is one that Jongin can’t say no to.

 

It’s not until Jongin takes his hand that he realises he’s afraid of burning under the warmth that homes in Kyungsoo’s palms, so he runs.

 

because that’s all he’s ever known how to do”

 

go

_____

 

page 290

 

When the seasons change and Kyungsoo doesn’t leave, Jongin continues to love love love.

 

He pulls himself together for once and tries to make up for what may or may not have went wrong. 

 

He expresses himself the only way he knows how. He dances.

 

Even when his movements is a second too late and time continues to like the songs that plays, always a beat ahead, eyes trail daringly to where the singer stands across the room. 

 

Jongin eventually learns to dance again after time, arms soaring when the bridge of the chorus hits at exactly 1:42

 

 Jongin’s eyes continues to find him across the room. He’s smiling now, Jongin feels like he’s on fire.

 

 

At this rate, it looks like a promising victory

 

The spark in his lungs spread like wildfire, burning down forests after forests of regrets. He’s laid out his heart like they were cards to play and now he knows he’s not playing alone. As if afraid of bursting into flames and turning paper into ash, he sets the papers down carefully in front of him.

 

_____

 

page 300

 

“now when he asks me what is love?, 

i can finally tell him that

love is him, and has been all along.”

 

there are now careful fingers threading along his heartstrings and plucking them into perfect harmony

chanyeol wants to sing along, loud and clear. 

 

 

His legs are moving on their own accord now, courtesy of his heart that’s busy leading the way. Chanyeol wants to laugh and cry simultaneously and all he can think of as he runs out into the hallway is Yifan and a whole bunch of profanities that fits.

 

Chanyeol knows Yifan fears commitment and the price that comes from putting his guard down but Chanyeol promises god he promises to love Yifan with gentle hands, soft eyes and passionate lips, to be kind and patient when Yifan forget what love feels like.

 

He hopes that can be enough.

 

He’s face to face with the mahogany door, Yifan’s rusty gold nameplate just right above his head. He draws in a long, deep breath and crosses the finish line with a raised fist.

 

_____

 

There’s a firm knock on Yifan’s door before they swing open with a breeze and when Yifan flicks his gaze upwards, another knock echoes in his heart.

 

 

---

 

 

MASTERLIST